Angelmichu's Weight Loss Thread - a query

[Trethsparr]

I just don't agree that because your SO, spouse or whatever would like you to lose weight means that he/she doesn't love and accept you. I mean don't we all want what's best for our SOs?

It depends. It's a sensitive situation, certainly. I tend to see it as one thing if a person comes into the situation where the SO is already overweight and doesn't have any interest or inclination in changing their lifestyle. Ultimately, it was well-established before we even enter the picture, and the SO would definitely resist our efforts to "save them from themselves." That's a subjective opinion as to whether the "saving" is actually necessary or if it just comes from us trying to force our own perceptions of how a person should be on them.

However, if a person does gain a lot of weight when we're with them, we might need to closer look at what the causes for that might be. If the person recognizes it and is open and wants to change, then fine. If the person talks to the doctor and even the doctors says that he or she needs to lose weight, even that's often ignored in the cases where lifestyle changes can make a difference IF the SO never wanted to change in the first place.

[maja]

Well, I think everyone has their standards and limits, and everyone has to decided what is ok for them and what isnt. I myself am naturally really skinny and athletic, and my boyfriend is not the skinny but muscular type, and if he doesnt do sports hell get a bit chubby and thats ok, but as he has a heart problem he cant weigh too much because its actually dangerous for him, yet hes not allowed to do tooo much sports. Anyway, me being the way I am, I wouldnt accept someone too big, simply because it doesn't fit my lifestyle, not because I'm discriminatory. Its just that I love being outside and run and sail lots and swimming and stuff like that and I couldnt deal with someone who can't do these things with me and can't keep up with me, so even though I really really love my SO far beyond reason, I have told him in the past that he needs to lose weight, not for me but also for his health and I would always do that again.

[NaNi]

"This is what you're getting, either deal or leave."

That's how I think, too. But not once has my SO told me that I should lose weight, she didn't even hint at it. She always tells me that she loves me just the way I am. I do want to lose a few pounds, but I'm only doing this because I want to. I'm not giving myself a deadline though. I lose weight when it happens and when I want to eat a whole tube of Ben & Jerry's then damn, I'm so going to do it without feeling guilty.

[kiara_silver]

i asked my SO and he doesnt seem to care about weight either

12:09:44 kiara We're all with our SO's based on some measure of physical attractiveness. You mean to honestly tell me that if your SO gained 50 lbs...say 100 lbs...you would STILL be attracted?
12:12:01 Nathan yeah because its the person you fell in love with
12:12:21 kiara not love, but attraction
12:12:27 kiara u would stil be attracted?
12:12:34 Nathan yeah
12:13:07 kiara lol yeah
12:14:49 Nathan not think so?
12:15:28 kiara no i totally agree
12:15:39 kiara i already had wrote my opinion just wanted to see if u matched
12:16:12 Nathan fair enough lol

when i first got with my nathan i was 30 pounds heavier, im 5'5 so that shows on you, but he never thought i was over weight now im down and he loves me just the same. Even he was prob 10-20 pounds heavier when we first got together, i didnt notice until i went and looked at pics from then and now lol, but he's always been sexy to me. Think it should only matter IF its serious for there health and only then

[AllieBaba]

Physical attraction is a very big factor in a relationship for me. I wouldn't date anyone that wasn't good looking (to me, that is). I could be super good friends with them, but there's no chance for a relationship. If my boyfriend didn't look the way he does, we would never even have gotten to know each other.
I really don't know what I'd do if someone I already was in a relationship with gained (or lost) a lot of weight, though. It's a tough question, because while it was his looks that initially caught me attention, I've fallen in love with the person he is. 20kg or even 50kg or him shaving his head (I <3 hís hair) obviously won't change him as a person, he'd still have the same views, the same sense of humor and personality that I love so much.
I'm not sure if that could make up for the loss of physical attractiveness that such a weight change would mean to me.

I have to agree with Dziubka. I feel like to be with a person I not only have to like their personality but I also have to be physically attracted to them. My SO has been playing soccer since he was a little kid so he's in pretty good shape. Everybody has different preferences and I have to admit that the fact that my SO has a fit body is something I like. At the beginning I felt I liked him because I was attracted to him physically and then I started to get to know him better. Now I've learned to love him no matter what. I know he's not perfect but I love him more than anything regardless.

If he gained weight now that would be a completely different story because when everything started I was focusing more on looks since I didn't know him but now it is way more than that. I wouldn't brake up with him that's for sure but I would try and get him to work out or eat healthier if that wasn't the case.

I hope I didn't offend anyone here and if I did I'm really sorry.

[Gelfling]

I mean don't we all want what's best for our SOs?

Almost, but not quite: I want for my SO what he thinks is best for him. He's a grown man and I'm not his mommy; I don't know better than he does what it takes for him to feel happy and healthy.

Also, when I was depressed I was also anorexic. I'm still pretty thin, and I prefer men on the cuddly side. Skinny guys (and hard-bodied ones) hurt to hug.

[LadyMarchHare]

I have to agree with Dziubka. I feel like to be with a person I not only have to like their personality but I also have to be physically attracted to them. My SO has been playing soccer since he was a little kid so he's in pretty good shape. Everybody has different preferences and I have to admit that the fact that my SO has a fit body is something I like. At the beginning I felt I liked him because I was attracted to him physically and then I started to get to know him better. Now I've learned to love him no matter what. I know he's not perfect but I love him more than anything regardless.

If he gained weight now that would be a completely different story because when everything started I was focusing more on looks since I didn't know him but now it is way more than that. I wouldn't brake up with him that's for sure but I would try and get him to work out or eat healthier if that wasn't the case.

I hope I didn't offend anyone here and if I did I'm really sorry.

Everyone has a different preference regarding looks. If you like guys that are fit, chances are you'd want them to stay fit when you're with them because it's part of the attraction. But to get into a relationship with someone bigger and then down the road decide it's better that they be thin, well someone has some issues they need weeding out.

To me personally I've never had a physical guy type. I've had crushes on short guys, tall guys, really thin guy, built guys, big guys, etc. My only criteria was that they had a sense of humor. I'm not saying I don't drool over a toned ass or anything because I'm still human, but my personal preference doesn't hinder me to where I'd be in trouble if my SO suddenly became the biggest black guy on Earth. That's merely going on the hypothetical which you can't always guarantee the answer is the same when they actually DO gain a ton of weight. But as mentioned weight doesn't show up overnight so there's always time to stop the train.

Honesty's a good thing even if people don't agree with you. If someone gets offended by what you say, that's entirely their problem because you didn't waltz in here looking to spit on anyone.

[Michelle]

I don't think it's wrong to want your bf/gf to lose weight for health reasons. It is wrong to pressure them or try to force them to lose the weight when they don't want to. If they do want to lose weight, you can only just provide encouragement and eat healthy/be active with them when you're together.

To clear up some definitions...

Morbid obesity = 100+ lbs overweight or BMI > 40
Severe obesity - BMI 35-40
Obesity = weighing 20-25% more than ideal weight or also defined as a BMI that is over 30
Overweight = BMI is 25-29.9 (while the obesity term refers to body fat, "overweight" can refer to either fat or muscle)

My father is actually trying to lose weight right now. He is 288 lbs and is considered morbidly obese (it even says it in his medical record). He is actually in a weekly weight loss group through the VA. I want him to lose weight very much so. He is 49 and is the only parent I have left. He has high blood pressure and a family history of heart disease/heart attacks. So I just encourage him and avoid buying unhealthy foods/snacks that he would be tempted by. But I don't nag or complain about his weight and never did before he started going to the weight loss group.

I already got him to quit smoking by offering an incentive: I'm buying him a wood splitter next week. I told him if he could go without smoking for 3 months straight I'd do it... he was more than willing to quit smoking after I made that offer (he had been eyeing that particular wood splitter for a long time, but couldn't afford it). He's been smoke free for 3 months and is happy and says he'll never go back to smoking again. All the times he had tried to quit in the past he failed miserably. He would quit for 2 days and start smoking again. He says he doesn't think he could have done if he didn't have the incentive of the wood splitter. Whenever he had a craving he just thought of running that wood splitter! It was the best investment I have ever made Now I get to keep my dad around longer. He has smoked from age 10. Yes, 10 years old. It was a win-win for us. He gets his wood splitter, and I got a healthier dad. But I didn't make him do anything he didn't want to do. He always wanted to quit, he just never was motivated enough.

So anyway, in my opinion it is okay to want someone to change for health reasons, but there is a right and wrong way to go about it. Pressuring, trying to force, and nagging about it are all wrong ways. You just want to encourage positive actions the best you can.

[LostInLove]

IMO, she is more than welcome to want him to lose weight, and to gently encourage him to do so. My only concern is that they're getting married, and if he never is able to lose the weight what then? Has she considered it? Is she able to live with that?

If my SO gained a huge amount of weight, I would certainly be less attracted to him. I would still love him, but I would be really encouraging him to get back to a healthy weight. I wouldn't leave him over it though, because looks aren't all that important to me.

[hillke]

I think we all need to step back and take our personal emotions and opinions out of it.

Obviously if she wants him to lose weight, she is not attracted to people that are of a certain body type. I don't think anyone deserves to be judged for that. People in this thread keep pointing out that "everyone is attracted to a different body type and some people are attracted to bigger people". That's obviously true but the individual who asked for advice may not be, probably isn't, and that's fine by me. If she said she wanted him to cut his hand off because she's attracted to people with only one hand I would be concerned, but weight loss isn't quite the same.

I don't know, there just seems to be a sort of "holier than thou" vibe in this thread and I think we need to stop judging this girl for coming to us for advice.

[Moon]

Without reading the comments yet - I think the difference is Angelmichu's boyfriend was like that when she met him, therefore it seems a bit shallow to harp on him about it now, since she accepted him as he was at the time. Had he gained a lot of weight after they started the relationship, then I think she'd have a very valid argument. You should never start a relationship with the intent of changing someone, but that's what it sounds like she's trying to do. If the guy is satisfied with how he looks, he needs to be with someone who's satisfied with him as he is, too. Just my 2 cents.

[Rosebud]

I think we all need to step back and take our personal emotions and opinions out of it.

Obviously if she wants him to lose weight, she is not attracted to people that are of a certain body type. I don't think anyone deserves to be judged for that. People in this thread keep pointing out that "everyone is attracted to a different body type and some people are attracted to bigger people". That's obviously true but the individual who asked for advice may not be, probably isn't, and that's fine by me. If she said she wanted him to cut his hand off because she's attracted to people with only one hand I would be concerned, but weight loss isn't quite the same.

I don't know, there just seems to be a sort of "holier than thou" vibe in this thread and I think we need to stop judging this girl for coming to us for advice.

Actually, if you read the original post on THIS thread the poster was asking if we would honestly be still attracted to our SO's if they gained a significant amount of weight. So excuse me if I'm going to answer that honestly because yes, I would be attracted to my guy if he did get chubbier than he is now. No one is acting "holier than thou", we're simply answering what the OP asked for. And of course people are perfectly allowed to have their preferance for what they are attracted to, no one is saying you can't, but when you go around trying to change someone else just to make YOURSELF happy, that's overstepping some boundaries imo, especially if the other person is healthy and happy with the way they are. Of course not everyone is going to be attracted to larger bodies just like some people might prefer blonde hair or brown eyes, but there are some people who just naturally have bigger bodies and some people who are perfectly HAPPY being fat, so how fair is it to pressure them to change? That's like saying I'd have to wear a redhead wig every time I was with my boyfriend cause he prefers red hair. Why should I have to do that? So why should someone's SO have to lose a lot of weight if they're healthy and fine with the way they look? These threads are bothersome because they come off as only caring about the way someone looks and the whole "I want them to be healthy!" seems like it's tacked on as a PC afterthought.

[Rugger]

I'm an active person. I like to go hiking, swimming, play soccer, rugby, football,etc, etc. I couldn't be with someone who couldn't keep with me. \

My SO is extremely fit and muscular and takes his fitness seriously ( He goes to the gym quite a bit). If he started gaining weight, I would be extremely worried because that's not him. Some thing terrible would have to happen to put him off his fitness routine.

[Rane]

Well there's wayyyy too much I could comment on through the thread, so I think I'll just answer the original question, and then disappear again into the woodworks... >.> <.<

Since this thread as opposed to Angelmichu's is solely about attraction, and not physical health, I'll disregard that aspect in my considerations.

If Garnet gained 50lbs, or 100lbs, I can honestly say that I believe I would still be attracted to her. But each person is different, and with all of my past interests, they haven't been based on appearances as strongly as personality, and that certain something that just made me want to be around them all the time.

When we first started dating, she had showed me a picture of herself at what she said was her largest to date, and from the picture, at the time I told her that honestly, I wasn't sure if I would be attracted to her. Since then, with a whole baby in her belly, she says that she's the largest that she's ever been, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that size does not matter to me, and I am 100% attracted to her. Now I know that's not 50, or 100 pounds, but I think it's a fair gauge.

I know that everyone is different, and you can disagree with me if you wish, but it's my own personal opinion that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and if you love who you are with, then they will be beautiful on the days they think they look the most dreadful.

[LadyMarchHare]

I think we all need to step back and take our personal emotions and opinions out of it.

Obviously if she wants him to lose weight, she is not attracted to people that are of a certain body type. I don't think anyone deserves to be judged for that. People in this thread keep pointing out that "everyone is attracted to a different body type and some people are attracted to bigger people". That's obviously true but the individual who asked for advice may not be, probably isn't, and that's fine by me. If she said she wanted him to cut his hand off because she's attracted to people with only one hand I would be concerned, but weight loss isn't quite the same.

I don't know, there just seems to be a sort of "holier than thou" vibe in this thread and I think we need to stop judging this girl for coming to us for advice.

Wrong thread to write this in, sweetie. The thread this one is referring to, the OP already discussed that she's changed her mind, to a degree, about how she feels. As Rosebud said, this one's asking the hypothetical question that if our SOs gained significant weight would we still honestly love them. Naturally people are taking offense to the idea that saying "yes" to that question is considered a lie or that all relationships are based heavily, solely, or just too much on physical attraction and the way someone's built than anything else. However no one is taking a 'holier than thou' attitude. What you're probably seeing is a heated debate with people sticking to their guns to try and get their point of view across despite disagreement. Being holier than thou means someone in here's saying "My opinion is fact, all your opinions are shit in the toilet bowl and I'm flushing." No one's doing that.

Also unless you've been big and told the only way someone could care about you is to look like you puked every day for a year, it's pretty much the same as being asked to cut your hand off for the sake of attraction. Yes people are attracted to different types of people whether that type involves race, gender, hair color, eye color, or even weight but that doesn't mean if any of that changes or isn't in the person you fell in love with that you force them to change for you. The person, first and foremost, has to want to change and has to want it for themselves. The added incentive of a loved one can help but not if they're harping on you. Catch more flies with honey.