On letting the SO off the hook

[stargazerlily]

The time difference between my SO and I is 12 hours. As such, it is quite difficult to have a lengthy conversation. When we decided to have regular skype date, he suggested that we have it every Sunday - evening for me (usually 10:30 pm here) and morning for him. The thing is, he had missed several dates because he overslept. The first few times, I let it slide because oversleeping on a weekend is normal. A couple of times more, I still readily forgave him but made it clear that he is making me feel unimportant. He said that he feels bad about it and he would really try to wake up early every Sunday. But last night, he was a no show again. Then he emailed me if we could reschedule it to Monday. Right now, I'm mad and sad at the same time. I didn't reply to his email and I am actually thinking of missing the Monday skype on purpose and not talking to him the whole week. Do you guys think that it is a good idea or do I just let this slide once again?

[LadyMarchHare]

I don't recommend you take the childish route of "well you ignored me now I'll ignore you because I'm hurt". That doesn't get the problem solved and you end up stewing all week about it, especially if he says nothing in regards to you missing Monday's skype session.

That you know of, has there been any change in his work schedule the past few weeks, has he been significantly more busy than usual, anything that would warrant him sleeping in instead of showing up? If not, I would talk to him tomorrow about that and get the reason why he's been sleeping in instead of talking with you. You could also use that opportunity to express better that you've felt neglected. But as I said, I would seriously not ignore him just because you've felt ignored. For all you know there's a logical reason behind it all, to me I'm getting that hint with his suggestion to move your dates instead of just letting things continue on.

[paulawriteslove]

I don't think you should ignore him either. I agree with LMH, it doesn't get the problem solved and could just makes this little problem into a huge mess. Also, I would talk to him Monday and express to him how this is making you feel. He isn't a mind reader, so you should just tell him exactly how his actions have been having an affect on you. He could have a logical reason on why he has been so tired lately and then maybe you two can move your skype date to another day/night and time. Best of luck!

[kiara_silver]

I have been in your situation and been mad and think im tired of waiting im not doing it anymore and tell myself im not going to go on at all today and not try to talk ti him. of course i always do lol. But when you do that you just stay upset and it helps no one. I would suggest going on and tell him seriously that you can't keep doing this, that this is going to put a wedge between the two of you if you guys dont find a way to work things out. Communication is key! And maybe reschedule things a little later or such? But talk and vent, because venting is good you let it all out and can work through the problem right then and there, so don't hold back telling him how you feel.

[LadyMarchHare]

I have been in your situation and been mad and think im tired of waiting im not doing it anymore and tell myself im not going to go on at all today and not try to talk ti him. of course i always do lol. But when you do that you just stay upset and it helps no one. I would suggest going on and tell him seriously that you can't keep doing this, that this is going to put a wedge between the two of you if you guys dont find a way to work things out. Communication is key! And maybe reschedule things a little later or such? But talk and vent, because venting is good you let it all out and can work through the problem right then and there, so don't hold back telling him how you feel.

I think the venting should be held off until she finds out whether or not there's a valid reason behind him missing the skype dates. I know I'd feel like an ass if I yelled at my guy and then found out there was a reason and he wasn't doing it because he was lazy or trying to hurt me.

[FadedSunrise]

Yea, definitely ask him what's up. I know my SO's going through quite the busy period, in which he's working 54-60 hrs a week now and visibly tired all the time. I feel almost bad for asking for his attention when I'd rather the boy would be eating more and sleeping. It could be that, and he didn't mention it to you.

[kiara_silver]

When i say vent i don't necessarily mean yell. but don't hold back on your feelings, just let it all out. With me and my SO I tend to feel like he has to take me emotions and all and know how im feeling. And in the end it always works out better for me and my SO but then again thats just us we never yell we just have hard emotional talks when it comes to these kind of things. You know your SO best so you have to find a way to communicate the best way for you two. But if this keeps going on and you don't tell him how hard it is for you it could eat up at you and put a wedge. So sorry if im no help, i really hope you two work it out, im sure he doesn't mean it and probably doesn't realize the extent it upsets you.

[NaNi]

Well, my SO and I also have a 12 hours time difference (though it's 10 hours at the moment due to daylight saving) and we never have any problems with getting up early to talk. Mostly because we both use our mobile phones as an alarm clock. We also only get to talk on the weekends as well, so you should definitely talk to your boyfriend and let him know how important those Skype dates are.

[stargazerlily]

Thanks for the advice guys. I would talk to him later. Although I don't know how I can be cool-headed about the whole thing. To give you a better picture, my SO is a freelancer and because of the economy, he doesn't get that much projects (one project a week on the average). More or less, he oversleeps because of videogames or other insignificant things. I'm the one with the 8-5 job yet I am always the one making an effort keeping in touch (ie emailing/texting every other day and calling at least once a week). I am not trying to give you the impression that he is a bad guy and that I am getting the short end of the stick because, generally, we're okay. But I am just really sick and tired of this lack in communication. Believe me, I have cried and poured out to him how all these is making me feel neglected. I just don't know what to do anymore. Apparently, talking to him about it gets us nowhere.

[Insanity]

Sounds like a tough situation, it can be really hard when you feel like you're putting in all the effort. I wouldn't give up on trying to talk to him about how you feel and try to set up a schedule, maybe he needs to set his alarm clock so he does wake up or even change his sleeping pattern a little if possible.
Though he may never change, this might be the way he is and you'll need to weigh things up and determine if you can be with somebody like that. No partner is perfect, my SO has traits that down right piss me off but I deal with them because most of the time things are great between him and I (excluding the annoyance that is his damn internet, it really is a pain in the ass).
I hope you guys can sort things out

[LadyMarchHare]

Perhaps he's not making the effort towards these things because you already do and it's been a constant, so he feels like this is how it should be, you initiating the contact because he can count on that. Doesn't mean he doesn't care or doesn't want to hear from you, you've just wordlessly taken the ring leader's baton and told him "I'll handle this end of the relationship." My SO and I are a bit similar in that he initiates all online contact and I, mostly, initiate offline contact such as texting and phone calls. If I do start slacking he'll ask me nicely to please text him more, but otherwise it's just how we run things.

If he has enough free time for video games, movies, parties, whatever that's entirely his right to have hobbies to pass the time. Sometimes time gets away from you with these things, especially video games, so you're up late or you just exhaust yourself enough to oversleep. If it bothers you, ask that he try and limit his time with these things around the day(s) you guys are going to talk so that he doesn't accidentally miss it and upset you. It's not a huge sacrifice. As for talking to him, you kinda have to beat it into his head repeatedly that he has to make a better effort, communicate more, and so on for him to get it. I'm not saying men are stupid, but repetition works wonders on anyone.

[acroush]

To be honest I would be pissed too, but shuting him out is not the answer. I currently live with a 15 hour time difference and I am able to talk to my SO atleast for a little bit everynight and we have weekend movie dates atlleast twice a month. I think you need to talk to your boy about needing to be able to have that time together. Maybe plan a date that includes a movie or something on the 90 things to do list.

On a good note though atleast he is emailing you and appoligizing for missing your dates, but missing so many makes you feel like sleep is more important than spending time with you and that is unexceptable!

Hope everything goes well!

[stargazerlily]

If he has enough free time for video games, movies, parties, whatever that's entirely his right to have hobbies to pass the time.

Of course it is his right! I never said that he should stop playing videogames or whatever hobbies and interests he has and I don't have the right to demand such thing from him! I don't even have any problems with any of his hobbies. All I want is the Skype date, the schedule of which, we have agreed upon.

But yeah, maybe I have taken the ringleader's baton when it comes to texting and emailing. Though of course, it would have been nice if he initiates once in a while.

[LadyMarchHare]

Of course it is his right! I never said that he should stop playing videogames or whatever hobbies and interests he has and I don't have the right to demand such thing from him! I don't even have any problems with any of his hobbies. All I want is the Skype date, the schedule of which, we have agreed upon.

But yeah, maybe I have taken the ringleader's baton when it comes to texting and emailing. Though of course, it would have been nice if he initiates once in a while.

I was not implying that you said that, please don't put words in my mouth. My point of saying that was you sounded like you were aggravated that he was getting tired by doing these things and not something more 'important' from your point of view, and I was merely pointing out that everyone has a passtime and it isn't a lesser reason. Yes it's easier to control how much you put into them, but all the same.

And if you want him to take the initiative once in a while, tell him so. As mentioned by someone else, he is not a mind reader and you grumbling about it and not tactfully discussing it with him like an adult's not going to change anything.

[Joyce:)]

oh i have had those moments when you just sit in front of the computer staring at their name, that's offline, wondering where your SO freaking is.
i have a 9 hour difference, and it makes things difficult, so i can't even imagine how frustrating it can be for you two. Tell him that you feel like you're making so much of an effort, tell him you need to talk to him and see his face in order to make things easier. skype is the most amazing thing ever for long distance relationships, and it's often taken for granted, and sometimes people don't see how much it helps keeping people together. tell him you need him to be totally in this with you, to stop playing games the night before a few hours earlier because talking to him makes you happy, and boyfriends are supposed to make their girls happy.
good luck with future skype dates <3