Is this unhealthy, or just a coping thing?

[beaton]

Sometimes, when my so is too busy to talk snd I haven't heard from him in a few days and miss him, I feel extraordinarily helpless and sad (I'm sure we've all been there) where I feel like I need him, right then, but I can't have him. I'll end up obsessively checking messenger to see if he's online, or I'l text him, fishing for any response just to feel like he's there. If he doesn't respond I end up getting really upset and spiraling into frantic needy mode. I can't get anything done and end up distracted from my work and just, plain upset.

^^ not healthy.
So, instead, lately, I've just been making the decision not to speak to him at all, not even respond if he contacts me (of course I always cave and respond, but,) When I decided not to speak to him, I felt relieved, free, and in control of my life.

I don't know if this is a good thing, that I have to make the mental decision to cut my boyfriend out of my schedule to stop missing him. I feel like I have to mentally break up with him on a daily basis to be productive in my life here. I feel like this every time we separate. I in no way want to actually break up with him, but this is the only way, in my head, that I know how to deal. It becomes a rollercoaster because when he eventually texts or calls me, the cycle starts over and I feel dependent on him again.

Advice?

[kiara_silver]

omg i am not the only one who thinks like this lol I try to do this too, i feel like im waiting around for him and i feel clingy and to dependent on him so i make myself... or try to... stay away until hes not busy or when he has time. But of course im never really successful. Theres not really a easy way to handle the distance, but i find staying busy does help, we still have to live our own lives and not lean on our SO all the time, but your not alone in this feeling, it gets hard!! lol our poor SO's huh? but they love us anyways, just make sure to give him some space sometimes, and try to get out and have time to yourself, and hang in there!

[Prince_of_Light]

Something tells me you need a good hobby. Going without for days is really tough, but if you're doing something you love, it helps you forget.

[stargazerlily]

When my haven't heard from my SO for days, I feel very sad, too. I text or email him when I miss him too much. If he doesn't reply, I don't send him any more messages thinking that he might be too busy. I ignore him until he finally texts or emails me. My reply to the text/email would always include how glad I am to hear from him or something that would positively reinforce the action of initiating a conversation.

I understand why you would want "mentally break up" with him so that you would be productive. I don't know how you do it and I don't want to jump to conclusions. So my advice is: Assess whether this behavior would cause you to eventually build walls and to be closed off from him. If the answer is yes, then it is not a good idea and you have to look for other things to stay focused with your work. I know it's easier said than done. But I hope this helps. Good luck!

[kiara_silver]

I don't know how you do it and I don't want to jump to conclusions. So my advice is: Assess whether this behavior would cause you to eventually build walls and to be closed off from him. If the answer is yes, then it is not a good idea and you have to look for other things to stay focused with your work.


I can't speak for beaton but as for me it never makes me feel closed off to him and helps me, when i feel distant its because of the waiting an missing, but it never lasts, if i go days without talking to him all i need is one day or heart felt message from my Nathan and i get all my strength back. Its hard but you can't help to always have a longing for your so, when you can't see or hear or have any contact with them it gets hard, to sit around and wait for him, so sometimes distancing yourself helps, not pushing yourself away but to not be waiting around, because whenn you wait and he doesnt show its depressing, so i get what beaton says and means, idk if im making sense sorry lol

[beaton]

Thanks for the advice. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. I don't really have time for a "hobby" anymore-- I'm really busy with school and work, so I guess my major is my hobby, yuck, but it just sucks when I finally have downtime and want to hear from him, and he's too busy.
I think I'm just going to call him when I want to talk, and, if he doesn't answer, be satisfied that I at least did something about how I felt and plan to call in a few days so I can look forward to that, instead of deciding to ignore him as a way to get some sense of control back, which obviously fails. haha. Then I'm not constantly in limbo, so to speak. That way if he calls in between it's a bonus instead of a lifeline. Yeah, this all sounds good in theory. We'll see. haha

[Prince_of_Light]

Thanks for the advice. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. I don't really have time for a "hobby" anymore-- I'm really busy with school and work, so I guess my major is my hobby, hah, yuck, but it just sucks when I finally have downtime and want to hear from him, and he's too busy. I think I'm just going to call him when I want to talk, and, if he doesn't answer, be satisfied that I at least did something about how I felt and plan to call in a few days so I can look forward to that, instead of deciding, to ignore him as a way to get some sense of control back, which obviously fails. haha. Then I'm not constantly in limbo, so to speak. Yeah, this all sounds good in theory. We'll see. haha

Have you tried sending him something while he's away? Any good boyfriend would have no choice but to call you. ;P

[kiara_silver]

Well talk to him and schedule a date, like plan it once a week at a time that both works for you, that way even if its only once or twice a week at least its a guarantee and your not left guessing and waiting. let him know that your struggling, if you read one of my blogs i had a convo with my so and he put it so well how i was feeling. He understands me well, and its cause when we communicate i vent a little and let him know its hard, so let your SO know, not yell or nag but be honest and see if you guys can compromise

[LadyMarchHare]

If you have the time to obsessively check messenger and worry yourself into a frenzy, you have time for at least a couple rounds of solitaire or some online game to distract you. If you're doing it during times when you should be working, sleeping, or have things that need to get done that minute, then you need to shut down the temptations and bury yourself in said work. Also going from missing him like crazy to avoiding him is pretty detrimental to the relationship because you're hopping from one extreme to the other.

It's completely normal to miss your SO if you guys don't have constant, reliable contact. It's normal to get sad and try to initiate contact, but you can't wallow in self pity about it and then decide you're going to 'make it better' by not responding when he tries touching base with you. Like kiara suggested, talk with him and see if scheduling a date night or specific times on specific days of the week to talk or play a game or whatever you guys like doing together so that not only will it give you less chance to feel that desperate, but it gives you something to look forward to when you do become down and depressed.

[LeilaniJoi]

I guess I don't understand how people can go days without talking. I hope I'm never too busy to at least respond with a quick text much less a short conversation.. but saying that, hobbies are awesome. I have my work and my home and daughter to keep me busy, and other friends... but the only time we are ever out of touch is when we are sleeping.. but maybe that's just us O.o

In any case, for those moments that for whatever reason we are out of touch for a few hours and I feel the needies coming on, if I can wallow in any luxury it's listening to our music and thumbing through pics of him and of us together which carry me through until I can hear his voice or see his words again.

[Jonesonaboat]

I can totally relate to this too.

The way I've coped is to keep reminding myself that my man wants to talk to me just as much as I want to talk to him, but for whatever reason at that time, it's just not possible. But if he could, I knew he wuld be.

And as always, just to keep busy. Keep your mind off the fact you can't talk at that moment in time, because dwelling over it really, really doesn't get you far. You'll feel better in yourself for keeping busy and keeping your mind focused on other things. I like to exercise and keep fit, or loose myself in a book

[Semperfikindoflove]

I'll give you some advice from a Marine girlfriend perspective. You go days without talking to your man and it's really hard. Sometimes it really hurts and you will be really sad. When I dated a Marine for the first time, I didn't understand the lifestyle at all. I constantly worried, I constantly wanted to talk to him, and I got angry when I couldn't do that. I decided I wouldn't talk to him and that made me feel like I was more in control of my relationship and myself than I actually was. To be honest, do not take for granted the time that you do get to talk to him. I know it's hard but get out and do things, go hang with friends, go out to eat (with someone or by yourself), surround yourself with positive people, and remember that positivity is what will get you through. It is a relationship, you two are not married, you should be dependent on yourself and no one else.

I know it's really hard to do but try to remember that you both have separate lives and it's going to hard for both of you to have communication time match up. Just have fun with it, have fun with your life, and remember that you two will be together soon enough. Try to stop depending on him, you have only yourself to rely on in a long distance relationship when you have no communication with him. Let me know if you need anything.