How to Help During A Rough Time? (It's Long But Thank You In Advance!!)

[jlb14]

Hello everyone!

My boyfriend has been going through a rough time the past month trying to decide about the future. He recently has been making decisions about his future (staying in school an extra year and possible internships) while watching the last year of his volleyball career go down the drain due to players who don't care and an under-performing team. We have been apart seeing each-other every two weeks.

Recently he has closed himself off to me. He has said a lot of communication overwhelms him so I was lucky to get a few texts a day. Finally I had the opportunity to see him this weekend and it began rough. I had to tell him everything I was feeling because it was getting overwhelming. I told him I felt that a few texts make me feel like a random friend instead of his girlfriend. He hadn't said he missed me in two weeks and I rarely got an "I Love You." I was pretty devastated. My goal of the talk was to tell him everything I felt because the chance to do that is rare due to the distance.

At first he was very closed off to me and wouldn't even look at me. Of course after I began crying that changed. He finally broke down telling me everything that was bothering him. He admitted he still isn't coping with my leaving and that he has been pushing me away. He also said that if we can get through this next year (nine months of the twelve months will be apart) he will marry me.

I am lucky that after three years we do not have to worry about cheating or affairs. I am also lucky that he has a huge and generous heart even though it sometimes gets lost in translation.

I was just wondering how the wonderful members here dealt with situations similar to this. I am trying not to put my problems on him since he is working through his own but that also gets hard because I have a lot of life changes coming up that I am nervous about since that means I have to grow up.

On a positive note since our talk things have gotten better. He promised he would text me more (he will communicate other ways more but he is starting slowly) and over the last two days he has! Our day spent together was great and he spilled the beans that my anniversary present is him starting to save for a summer trip for us.

Okay that was long and if you are still reading this THANK YOU!

[LadyMarchHare]

A lot of people, not just men, when they feel upset or overwhelmed or any negative emotion will push those closest to them away. It can be for a number of reasons whether they believe they're protecting these people from themselves, whether it's just how they cope, maybe they feel closed in if too many folks are crowding them emotionally, and so on. Best of intentions usually put into the wrong action, but I'm glad you two have got that out in the open and are working towards better communication and ways to make you both happy and fulfilled in the relationship. That is a sign of commitment and love.

My SO, in first few months of our relationship and even a few times later on, would try pushing me away as well and give me some speech about I deserved this or he wasn't that, which he thought I needed and basically trying to find some way to make me happy but with the wrong intention of either having me say "yeah OK you're not good enough, goodbye" or anything else that would see me with some local guy and not have to deal with the aggravation and pain of not only the distance, but the lack of communication between us due to his job. I remind him every time the only time he's getting rid of me is with a shotgun and that if I didn't honestly love him or want to be with him I wouldn't be with him. It's hard, it's honestly hard no matter if you see them every other week or every other year, or if you live an hour away or three days' in a plane ride away. Distance is distance and it strains the best of us. But man if it isn't a good test of how strong your love is.

[Semperfikindoflove]

The best thing to do when he starts to shut down is remind him that you love him and care about him. Try to get him to open up more often and once he has, make an agreement that the two of you can openly talk about issues that are affecting your relationship. Communication is key. While he is having a hard week, do whatever you can to surprise him, support him, and let him know you will always be there. Make plans for the future, that will help him to feel like the time will go by more quickly. Time is only as long as you make it out to be and distance is only as far as you believe it is. It starts with positivity, if both of you can stay positive about it, then things will work out just fine.

Everyone shuts down once and a while but just give him as much support as possible. Try to come up with ways to make the time pass more quickly when you are separated. Here's a couple of ideas:

1. Count down the days in terms of paychecks
2. Set aside one night a week to have a Skype date or a Netflix date where you watch a movie together
3. Set aside time for a phone call every evening or in the mornings
4. Send letters back and forth because those you have to wait for, believe me it made boot camp fly by for me and it will make any time fly by
5. Plan trips
6. Hide notes around his place for him to find while you are away for the first couple of weeks to ease yourselves into the distance

Just make sure you talk often and make sure you remind each other how important your relationship really is. You're strong and he seems very tough. The two of you will be just fine. Good luck!

[Brandie]

I know what you're going through. My boyfriend lately has been going through a lot and is still going through a lot, from quitting smoking and drinking, to deciding whether or not to stay in college, to personal issues. He has been so stressed and overwhelmed about so much. A lot of times he'll end up not texting me throughout the day, and I'm the one trying to make a convo, but it never lasts long unfortunately some days. He always tells me don't take it personally, I love you, don't worry, I just need some time to think. I totally understand even though it's hard as hell. Being his girlfriend, I want to be the one he calls all the time to talk, and sometimes he just doesn't want to talk to me about it, and I feel that it's me, it has to be me. But then I realize he just deals with things differently, I just have to accept the fact that this is a stressful time he is going through, I know he loves me, and I just have to support him as much as I can without taking it personally, because I know he doesn't mean it in the way I sometimes feel.

[koreagirl]

My SO has a similar thing, as do many other men I know. While it's maddening to us girls, I'm beginning to think that shutting down or pushing loved ones away is a classic male defense mechanism. The thing you have to know is that while they may not be able to express it, the thing these guys want more than anything (just as we girls do) is your support and encouragement as they go through a rough time. While girls are much more able to vocalize it, guys are sometimes very sensitive about opening up and admitting they need to be supported. Maybe they think they have to handle it on their own since they're men, and maybe they do that on a subconscious level, but I do know that no matter how frustrating it is, they need our support and that's what we're there for. My advice would be to continually support and encourage him to try and talk about it but if he seems really resistant to talking, then just tell him you love him and that you are always going to be there for him. He'll appreciate it more than you know (and you may not know!). Maybe later, when things are not quite as intense, let him know how important communication is in a relationship and maybe the two of you can discuss how you guys can better communicate with each other when one of you is stressed out.

[koreagirl]

I am also lucky that he has a huge and generous heart even though it sometimes gets lost in translation.

Also, this is very true. Always remember that above anything else - I feel the exact same way about my SO, and it's always the case no matter what he is going through!

[jlb14]

Thank you everyone. I just wanted to update he called me yesterday and we talked for over half an hour and he has improved with his texting even though he is in Houston for a volleyball tourney this week. That has helped a lot. I do know we are going have to make sure we don't fall back in old habits.