Struggling Partner

[sarah-jayne]

Hi,

Im currently in a LDR and my boyfriend is struggling with the distance. he wants to end the relationship but i believe we can make it work, how can i try and fix things?

we are both in the defence force under training he says that we can try again once we are both rated but at the end of the day there will always be a time where we are part because that is what our job entails for us to go to sea.

i dont know what to do, i really love the guy and dont want to lose him.

[Rugger]

You have to talk to him. Tell him the stuff you just told us. Make a list of reasons you think it can work

[LadyMarchHare]

I second Rugger.

And really, you can't just end distance, there's a lot of planning, saving, etc that goes into it and as you said there would be moments where you're both apart anyway because of your jobs. Yes the distance is hard and some people deal with it better than others, but it's not impossible to live with. And if you, personally, are not ready to do something like that it wouldn't be fair for him to pressure you into it.

[nic&matt]

It would be a shame to end a relationship that's working over something like distance. I understand it's tough and very hard to come but you know there's an end result waiting on the other side. Talk to him openly, just like Rugger and LadyMarchHare suggested. When you open yourself up completely I think it can really change the outcome.

[sarah-jayne]

i have tried to do that but it seems like he has made up his mind and wont change it and doesnt want to try to make it work. but he said that im not losing him that he will still come and see me. but does that ever happen when people break up? and can we try again later? chances are he will probably find someone else and move one. he is an amazing person it would be so easy for him to move on.

[LadyMarchHare]

If he's made up his mind to no longer be invested in the relationship, then there's not much you can do especially if you've already tried talking to him about it. You can't make a person stay if they're not happy, just the same as you can't make someone love you. There is always the possibility of trying again when you're both in better positions but if you're in a job that will require some amount of distance here and there he may still pull that card.

[kiara_silver]

that list idea sounds like a good one, why not have a sheet of paper and on one side have him and you write down reasons to stay, and make it work and why it would be worth wild, and on the back write down the reasons to end the relationship, and if the bad out ways the good then so be it, but if not talk to him. But if he's made up his mind... im sorry, but i don't think you can force someone into this. a LDR is really hard, so to be in one when already you have so many doubts and are unsure, thats just going to make it harder. Maybe for now you guys are meant to be friends? Idk... im sorry im not much help, i hope all works out for you two though, i wish you the best

[princessmeg1328]

My SO and I actually did break up temporarily when I had gone to visit him. He said the distance was too much for him and that things just weren't the same (we'd only been together officially for two months). What I did is going to sound kind of manipulative, but things have ended up working out for us. I knew from the very beginning that my SO is a very logical person so I appealed to his logical side. Sometimes girls put emotions into what they're saying way too much. Try to take what you want to say emotionally and say it in a more logical format. You're still telling him why you want to be with him and why you think the distance is worth it, but you're saying it in a way that he might understand better.

[LadyMarchHare]

My SO and I actually did break up temporarily when I had gone to visit him. He said the distance was too much for him and that things just weren't the same (we'd only been together officially for two months). What I did is going to sound kind of manipulative, but things have ended up working out for us. I knew from the very beginning that my SO is a very logical person so I appealed to his logical side. Sometimes girls put emotions into what they're saying way too much. Try to take what you want to say emotionally and say it in a more logical format. You're still telling him why you want to be with him and why you think the distance is worth it, but you're saying it in a way that he might understand better.

That's actually a good idea. Men are more logical by nature, they are tailored to solve problems and work things from a logical perspective, not an entirely emotional one. To take out the emotion that may override the logic and present the argument to them in such a manner is almost like translating it into another language, one they're fluent in.

At the same time you can't guarantee it'll work as nothing's 100%. Plus it takes a good amount of self control to pull out emotion from what you're saying, especially when it's something you feel strongly about.

[princessmeg1328]

That's actually a good idea. Men are more logical by nature, they are tailored to solve problems and work things from a logical perspective, not an entirely emotional one. To take out the emotion that may override the logic and present the argument to them in such a manner is almost like translating it into another language, one they're fluent in.

At the same time you can't guarantee it'll work as nothing's 100%. Plus it takes a good amount of self control to pull out emotion from what you're saying, especially when it's something you feel strongly about.

You're absolutely right that it's hard to take all the emotion out. I don't think that taking all of the emotion out is possible, but to present it in a more logical way is doable. There's never any guarantee in life. You just hope for the best and roll with the punches.

[sarah-jayne]

How did you make it more logical?? im not sure how to do it.

[sarah-jayne]

also do you think if we were to break up now that we could try again later? is that possible?

[Joyce:)]

if you're both training tell him that you will need to have someone to talk to at the end of the day, no matter how far away you are from each other.
relationships are not just about physical contact, and i think all the members of this community are living proof of this.
Long distance relationships can work, just like normal relationships, when you are comitted to the right person, to the love of your life.
I wish you the best in talking to your boyfriend and telling him to give it a try.
xoxo

[Joyce:)]

also do you think if we were to break up now that we could try again later? is that possible?

it can be possible, but that is if one of the two of you hasn't moved on with someone else..

[princessmeg1328]

How did you make it more logical?? im not sure how to do it.

I'm not going to lie and say it was easy. It wasn't, but it ended up working for us. I told him that I really wanted to be with him, and I asked him what e didn't like about it. He said the distance. I kept asking him questions about how he was feeling about our relationship. It turned out, it wasn't even the distance that as bothering him so much. He felt like we were moving too fast. I remember that we set a one month deadline to see if we still wanted to be together at the end of that month. We slowed things way down, and we're together. We're about to celebrate 7 months together.

I know this doesn't really help you too incredibly much as far as examples of what to say. My SO and I are about to Skype so I'll ask him if he remembers anything I said during that conversation.