Completely confused.

[Insanity]

I'm so confused, I really don't get my SO at all. We had 4 great months prior to me visiting him and then the month I have with him to me went so well, we seemed perfect for each other and instantly became comfortable with one another.
Now I'm back home and been so for over 5 weeks and things have completely changed, he says he's having issues with his internet and phone line, which sounds like wont be resolved till at least mid May. When I first got back, he'd say he loves me and misses me, would leave me messages on fb. The day I got back I was a mess and had a massive scared and he came online at 4am especially to talk to me because I needed him, even though he had barely slept for the last few nights. But now it feels like he just doesn't even have the time for me, he doesn't say he loves me or misses me without me saying it first. We only talk about 10 minutes a week (which is a massive change from hours on end prior to me visiting him).
To me it seems like he's not interested any more, but I dunno how he could change so dramatically, he was the one who'd talk about getting married and kids. I could tell when I was there he loved me so much.

I guess what has pushed me to the edge is I made plans with him that I'll call him every Sunday at a specific time and he didn't even answer his phone. He knew I was calling and to be honest I'm sick of all the excuses. I really dunno what to think and feel any more, we've had so many issues in the past and I just thought we were past all of that. I'm trying to be understanding, trying to see things from his point of view but I really just don't understand how he can go from being so affectionate to barely giving me the time of day.

[meldir]

I can relate a bit to that. I know how frustrating it can be and how you dont constantly want to bring it up when you do talk to him cos usually at the time of talking you tend to forget or dont want to whinge. I dont know how it is with time zones for you but despite time zone related difficulties you should tell him that you need to talk to him for more than just 10 mins. Maybe not everyday but at least at set days and then stick with it.
I think men just think differently. They set their mind to a thing and then dont worry about it not happening. They dont go through as much emotional stress and put less 'what ifs' into a certain thing because that just adds stress. Women are different, I see it in myself a lot. We put a lot more thoughts into everything, especially the 'what ifs'. I'm very certain he loves you just as much as he did when hes last seen you but hes just readjusted his life to LD-mode. I try to evolve my day around speaking to my guy but that isnt good either. It needs to be balanced, while certainly he should put time into speaking to you frequently and thoroughly, its also important to live. I know thats sooo much easier said than done, I dont manage it myself either. I hope you can speak to him about it and things will improve for you!

[Insanity]

Thanks meldir, I'm definitely like that too, I think about the what if's all the time... he's quite a sensitive and emotional guy so I thought he'd understand what I'm going through more. Pretty much the only reason we don't get to talk much is because we rely primarily on the internet, if it doesn't work we don't get to talk. That is why I made the plans with him to call him once a week, I asked when it suited him and let him part of the process so I'm just annoyed he didn't go through with our plans. It's not cheap for me to call him but I rather spend the money and talk to him. We have 9hrs time difference and since I've got home he has gone from being a stay at home dad to working 6 days a week, given the time difference it pretty much only gives us Sunday to talk.
I have a life during the day, I'm a university student and do a lot of voluntary work. My days are busy but at night I don't have so much to do and that's when we'd talk, so I miss him greatly then, I miss his son too, I absolutely love his son.
I've done everything I have to make the distance work but he just isn't putting in. I know he started working to save up to come here but that was only 3 days a week, now he seems so happy working (and of course I want him to be happy but it's like he has replaced me).

[meldir]

I totally understand what you mean. I'm busy throughout the week with work as well and dont have much time to think but as soon as I'm home and have time, I just want to talk to my guy and tell him how my day went etc. Weekends during which I have nothing to do (like now ironically enough) are the worst because you just focus on the thought of him not being on when he could be. I'm trying to be reasonable and think he has his own life and its spring now so he might not want to sit infront of the computer all the time. I totally understand you but I'm sure your guy is readjusting at the moment and trying to fit it all into a new shape, especially now that hes working full time! I would, however, still suggest to bring it up, its important and since youve described him as emotional and sensitive, he will know what you mean I know doubts are so hard to handle, I have them all the time, but we must be strong and get through to make it work!

[Insanity]

Thanks, yeah it really is hard when you have time. I was ok with him working, when he said it was 3 days a week, I was fine with not getting to talk to him, I just need to talk to him longer than 10 minutes and offering to call him was my way of trying to change that, I know I can't change him working, I can't change the issues with his internet but I put in the effort to call him, to make the time, to invest my money into calling him even though he doesn't even give me the consideration of texting me (which to me has no excuse, if I can afford a 50c text message so can he). For him to not even answer is like standing me up, we made the plans yesterday so he couldn't have forgot.
I'm trying to be strong I just don't want to feel like this all the time and worry this is what our relationship is like. I rather be single than be with somebody who makes me feel like I'm not even worth a text message. For me there is no amount of money that could stop me from seeing and contacting him (and I'm a complete tight ass with money), I'd live off packet noodles if I had to, if it meant I could see or talk to him.
I'm hoping this is just a rough patch.

[Micah]

You said he has went from being a stay at home dad to working 6 days a week. Could it be possible that he is really tired and he's having trouble balancing everything now that he has a job that takes up so much of his time? Especially since he has a kid... I have two children and they take up a lot of time, especially if you're a working person. Maybe once he gets adjusted to working and has his internet back the communication will be back. Just an idea.

[Insanity]

I hope that is the case, I know his work is very physically tiring and I have been really understandable, I haven't pushed him or nagged him. He used to leave me messages on fb from his phone when he was working and that has stopped. I think it's just a build up of little disappointments, he doesn't work sundays and we made the plan to talk, if he couldn't, if things had changed he should have texted me. In my eyes he stood me up and still haven't texted me back. He has missed my calls a few times now and doesn't reply to my messages any more so I'm not very sympathetic of excuses especially when I had made sure it was at a time that suits him.
Sometimes I feel like when I'm not there with him physically he forgets I'm a human being, that I have feelings, it's just easier to become distant without feeling as guilty.

[Micah]

Yes, I get what you mean. You only have a small window of opportunity to talk and he should have notified you if he wasn't able to be there, or made alternate arrangements to talk to you. I hope that he has a good explanation that will put your mind at ease. It is very easy to send a short text, which he should have done. You really need to talk to him about how you are feeling, and then maybe he will realize he needs to step up the communication a bit. Maybe he doesn't even realize what he's doing since he is so busy with his job. He should be willing to make some compromises and sacrifices so that you two are able to talk more. It is obvious that you have been doing that, so he should work with you and try to meet you half way somehow.

[Insanity]

Yeah that's exactly how I feel. I knew the distance wouldn't be easy and I'm fine with that but I feel like we both need to work on the relationship. It can't be just one of us. I know he started working to save up to visit me which is sweet but there isn't any point saving up if we don't even make it. We have probably at least 4 months before he'd be able to come here and I definitely don't think I could handle another 4 months like this one.
I was going to talk to him about what's going on when I called him, I had been really anxious wondering what to say so when he didn't answer I was so annoyed.