dont know how to get over it

[hperovich]

last year my SO told me he would move back to florida where i am this august. I was fine with it then but this year we have been so bad. he let 3 months go by without seeing me because he would not miss one day of work to come to a doctors appointment when i really wanted him there. i have been miserable all year and the fact he fights with me does not help. i thought maybe with us doing so bad it would change his mind and he would want to finally be with me and move in may when school is over. the ONLY thing keeping him is him coaching his little brothers baseball team. I feel like that is being chosen over me. and when i say i rather have him here sooner, he says he would regret not coaching. how could he regret something that finally ends our distance after a year and a half?

im so hurt. i know i said it was okay a long time ago but we were better then and i didnt need him so much. i know if i say its either baseball or me we will either break up or he will move and not be happy. i just feel crushed that he would postpone being with me finally for baseball when he knows how miserable i am.

im only living here for him.he has all his friends and family there when i have no one here. he says its to spend time with them before he moves for good but hes been spending the past year and a half with them when i been here waiting. i feel like i am not important and that i care way more about him then he does. im over the distance but we cant end this fight without someone not getting their way and being upset. so i just keep flipping out everyday. i try to tell myself its only a few more months but why do i have to wait longer? its not fair.

[LadyMarchHare]

This all sounds like it was posted out of pure anger. I can understand being upset that he wasn't with you at a doctor's appointment and being upset that he's arguing with you over certain things, but you mentioned this was his BROTHER'S baseball team. Maybe it's because I'm Southern but family comes first, especially if you're close to them to begin with. If he would honestly regret not doing this for his little brother, I personally think you have no right to push the issue and give him some whack ultimatum.

You chose to be where you are, you can choose to leave at any time if you feel he is not giving you the attention and affection you deserve, hon. Staying where you are miserable for one person makes no sense to me, no matter how much you love them because in the end you're going to end up hating them for that reason. I think, personally, you need to calm down, think rationally, try to get his side of the story without flipping out on him, and work it out with him instead of stating how unfair it is. No one made you move, no one made you stay where you have no one but him whenever he decides to be there with you.

[Semperfikindoflove]

I know that you're having a hard time with this. Here's what I think. First off, breathe. I know right now it hurts and it sucks but it isn't the end of the world. Take what you said on the flip side, why can't you guys wait a few more months to end the distance? I mean if you think about it, you're ending the distance anyway, so what if it's a few more months. Maybe that's not great advice coming from me when I'm use to deployments and being away for long periods of time, all the time. But I think that you should realize that he will be moving to be with you. He won't be coaching his brother's team then, he won't be focusing on anything but a life with you. Be patient, all good things come with time. You can fight with him all you want but you will lose him if you fight him on this one.

Family use to be one of the things my boyfriend and I fought about most because he was constantly doing stuff with his family and not me. I realized a long time ago that that would destroy us. Family is family, some day you will be his family, but right now his life with his family is only going to last a little while longer and he will regret every opportunity he missed with them and you don't want him despising you for it. Good luck and if you need to talk, just message me.

[hperovich]

i guess i forgot to mention he was supposed to move here in december but he wanted to stay at his new job for at least a year. so i continued to wait. and i thought it would be for his work and school but its not for any of that now. its just baseball. the fact that i have been waiting but he says if its me or baseball, then we are over, shows how little he cares or appreciates me waiting. if he really did not want to be apart and missed me so much, he would be here.i know he is scared to disappoint his family but what about me? he always got to do what he wanted.

[LadyMarchHare]

If baseball is his passion, something he cares about, and you approaching him about the subject comes off as harping, I can see why he'd say something like that. I take my art seriously, if I had an opportunity to do something with it even if it was as asinine as teaching a summer camp art class and my SO put his foot down about me choosing him over that, I'd give him the same line. It sounds to me like you have a lot of resentment and anger pent up because he's choosing to do things that don't involve you, over you. If you feel so slighted by this, then that's between you and him and needs discussing. You can't expect to sit back with your arms folded over your chest like a child and whine when the date gets pushed back for this or that. Sure his priorities may be screwed up from where you see it, but unless you approach him like an adult and discuss it like one, you're not gonna go anywhere. And even after that if he's still saying that he'd rather choose x over you, whether it's baseball, family, whatever, then it's up to you to decide whether you're comfortable playing second fiddle instead of first. A lot of people would have moved on, no matter how much they loved this person, because they still know to watch out for themselves first and make sure they're happy, which you obviously are not.

[TknandLvnIt]

Maybe I'm the only one that is a bit confused by this thread...but my first question would be why would he be moving if things aren't going well between you too? Are u expecting that when he moves everything will go back to normal? I don't think that him choosing baseball over you is the real issue. The issue from my point of view is that he is not putting effort into your relationship or making you a priority in his life. I definitely think that this is something that you need to talk about with him rationally and the more you flip out on him the more likely he is to pull away. I understand that you are hurt and disappointed and want to be near him but I think blaming him for your unhappiness is what may be causing him to pull away from you. You have a lot of things going on and feel alone and feel like you should be able to rely on but you have others who want to support you. Why don't you move back home so you can have the support that you need until he can move to you? How long have you been in the new place and why did you move there?

[Rugger]

If my SO made me choose between him and my family, you can bet your sweet ass I wouldn't be picking him. Family is extremely important to some people. It's not like he's just coaching any team. He made a commitment to his little brother to coach his team. When you are already apart, what's a couple more months?\

You should talk to him, but don't get angry because that is only going to make things worse. Talk to him like an adult and let your point be heard. DO NOT give him an ultimatum because he's not going to pick you.

[hperovich]

Thank you all. I know i overreact about a lot. and I do feel like in the past few months that he has been neglecting me and not being there for me. Like the relationship is just a burden to him. I see how long some of you go without seeing your SOs and I know if I decide he is worth it then I will wait for him and we can hopefully be happy together when he moves here. I just felt hurt that he kept me waiting, no matter where i am at, and that he is not rushing to be with me.I just wish we could finally end the distance and there was the opportunity for him to and he didn't. i just feel sad when he says he misses me and it will be so much better when he moves here, yet he is keeping us apart for longer. he did say he will try to see me more throughout the summer and make me a priority and show me he cares more and i guess i just need to wait to see if that actually happens and if it doesn't then i know he doesn't care as much as i do and i should stop waiting.

[Deleted Account]

i think what you have just said is a more reasonable approach. Just give him time, but try to keep a positive attitude and not nag him too much. He must've stayed at his job longer for something better in the future.. not necessarily because he's pushing back the opportunities to see you. You also have to understand that he needs to look out for himself as well.

As for the baseball thing... its his little brother... When my bf is back home, he has to help his brother studying for school... and that could be annoying to me because he takes a long time doing that. Also, last summer he couldnt come and visit me except for a few days at the end of summer and all because he had to work.. things happen like that sometimes, and you just have to wait and be patient. You'll be able to be with him.

[Mizpah]

I agree completely with Lady March Hare. As much as I love my husband, if I was doing something like coaching a team for one of my younger sisters, I would see it through even if it meant waiting to be with Aaron. My sisters are very important to me, and I think your SO recognizes that he needs to make memories and be there for his brother while he can before he moves to be with you. You need to understand that while you are an important person in his life, you are not the ONLY person in his life. I wouldn't respect Aaron, or myself, if I cut ties and let down the other important people in his/my life.