I don't know what to do

[Insanity]

My guy and I are having a really rough time. He came online like he had said so we could talk about our issues but only stayed connected for like 3 minutes. So no real talking happened, I sent him a text message offering to call, I tried to call 3 times and nothing. He stood me up on Sunday when we had planned to talk on the phone, we barely get to talk anyway, he has only been replying to selective text messages. I dunno what's going on, we had a great month together and now I feel like he doesn't even want to have anything to do with me.
I just sent him a text pretty much putting everything out there (dunno if it went through because I normally get an alert but this time I didn't but I think I have been charged for it) I asked him to reply, that as his gf I need him to.... I guess we'll see if he does.

I really dunno how this happened, things were so great and now I feel like we're just getting closer and closer to breaking up. We've been through so much together, it feels like a right cop out if this is the way we end. I've tried my hardest, I've done whatever I could to make the distance work but to me it feels like he just isn't putting in his part and if he is I can't tell because he never tells me, I have no idea what is going on with him and his life. We've been together over a year & a half, things were pretty perfect together in person, he spoke about marriage and kids, I really am so confused as to how things have gone completely and utterly down hill in a matter of 5 weeks.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to end things, I love him and thought he loved me. I'm a right mess.

[Deleted Account]

well... i guess you just have to wait and see what happens really.... hopefully its not something extremely bad like breaking up etc... maybe he has something going on in his life thats putting a lot of stress on him... you just have to wait and see if he answers...

[lovemnmz]

ouch...seems like im reading my own story, i've also started to loose that communication with my SO and i've tried very hard not to fill his inbox with messages about me being needy and what not. Its hard and im also thinking about breaking up. It seems like he isnt putting in much work, all he seems to do is say im sorry babe, i love you, and i'll wait for you. I'll see him in 2months and it seems like if I do see him we wont be a couple anymore, that we are going to be just friends like before.

I think this is something that is being spread like the common cold, i've talked to alot of other LDR couples and thehy seem to be going or have gone through a similar situation. In my opinion, this is a test, and if we can pass is then theres a future and if we cant then it wasnt meant to last. Hopefully we pass this test and will look back at it in the future as a mere rock on the road. Good luck and have faith....lots of it.

[Micah]

Since you can't seem to get a hold of him any other way, is it possible you could write him a letter or an email stating how you feel? I'm sorry that you feel ignored by him and that your online conversation got cut short.

[Insanity]

Thanks lovemnmz, good luck to you too

I told him in my text message which I'm not sure if it sent how I felt and he still hasn't replied. I asked him as his gf to reply to me because I needed it and he hasn't. I feel like nothing to him. I could email him but I don't believe he'll read it or reply. I sent him another text message saying the ball is in his court, if he wants me then it's up to him. I can't put in any more because the more I put in and the more he doesn't respond, it just breaks my heart and makes me feel less and less loved.

I still don't know how we even got here, when I first got home he answered my phone call at 4am and came online to make sure I was ok and now he can't even send me a text message. I can't even sleep, I have a massive headache and feel so sick from all this.

[LadyMarchHare]

Does your phone have an outbox feature, or anywhere in the messaging part of your phone that would hold a message if it didn't go through? My phone when a message doesn't get sent, sends the message to another folder where I can either delete it or try sending it again. Sometimes it goes through, sometimes I have to delete it and retype everything all over again.

That aside, it is very curious that he won't reply to your texts. There could be several explanations for it, but that's all outside speculation and assumptions. At the end of the day if his phone was screwing up he still has ways to contact you, so the question is why isn't he? There's a line between having that readjusting period from a visit and playing cold shoulder and I think whether intentionally or not he crossed that line and is continuing to walk. I'm really sorry you're going through this, especially to the point it's affecting your sleep. Whenever I'm extremely stressed I rely on at least a cat nap to clear my head, I can't imagine what being denied that would do.

[Joyce:)]

*hugs*
i hope he's just going through some phase, because if he wanted to break up he'd have no reason to treat you this way.
keep us posted on what he does, and yes, writing him an email saying all that you feel would be a good start.
best of luck xoxo

[Joyce:)]

anyway, Chloe, reading your first thread i actually thought that right now he may be going through a phase of depression or something after you left england?

[Insanity]

Does your phone have an outbox feature, or anywhere in the messaging part of your phone that would hold a message if it didn't go through? My phone when a message doesn't get sent, sends the message to another folder where I can either delete it or try sending it again. Sometimes it goes through, sometimes I have to delete it and retype everything all over again.

That aside, it is very curious that he won't reply to your texts. There could be several explanations for it, but that's all outside speculation and assumptions. At the end of the day if his phone was screwing up he still has ways to contact you, so the question is why isn't he? There's a line between having that readjusting period from a visit and playing cold shoulder and I think whether intentionally or not he crossed that line and is continuing to walk. I'm really sorry you're going through this, especially to the point it's affecting your sleep. Whenever I'm extremely stressed I rely on at least a cat nap to clear my head, I can't imagine what being denied that would do.

My phone doesn't have that option, normally it'll notify me if a message has sent or failed.

Well after 5 weeks you'd think somebody would have readjusted to being LD again. I know there have been big changes for him, he started working again and he did say his grandpa is unwell but he really has seemed happy when we talk. We've had set backs with his plans to visit me, he won't say anything but I suspect he couldn't afford to come here when we had planned and then he found out he won't be getting his passport till at least late July. I can imagine that would be hard on him.

He has a tendency to shut down and I'm really hoping that is the case, in the past he has disappeared for weeks on end, ignoring my numerous emails. Sometime just goes on in his head and somehow just can't contact me :S I thought we were over that though, after 5 months of things being pretty good the future looked promising.

I managed to get to sleep at about 7am, lately when I go to bed I just end up crying for hours on end. I dunno how but I slept till 5pm though kept having horrible nightmares and felt like I hadn't even slept.

Thanks joyce *hugs* he could be depressed now I'm gone but he seemed happy, of course I could have it wrong but he said he's loving working. I really am hoping after a few days he'll contact me, he should get a parcel from me soon (which I sent a couple of weeks ago, wanted it to arrive before his sons bday, which is this Saturday).

This is just so hard on me because I have my own issues, I'm recovering from depression and I have anxiety. I've just started university which is really overwhelming, I'm trying to balance my life with all my voluntary work, uni and my arts and crafts (which helps me save a little money for visits). My motivation for it all has been him and his son, I've come home to get a degree so we can have a better future so I'm feeling a little lost now.

[LadyMarchHare]

I guess the adjustment period's longer for some than others, especially if there are other elements adding stress or depression that hit during that critical time. If he ended up not being able to afford seeing you, I can see where that's a major embarrassment, especially in a guy's world where things are supposed to rest on their shoulders financially.

My SO has that weird tendency of roaming back into his head and avoiding people, but it's usually when he's angry or severely upset. Last time I remember this happening was last July when he was gone the entire month out of town dealing with his diabetic mom (who he hates), her stripper boyfriend, and then the anniversary of his stepfather's death. I had stupidly blown up on him for not contacting me for 3 weeks (thanks to an ex-friend who was putting bad thoughts in my head because I thought I could come to her with my problems) and it cost me more contact because he refused to speak to me when I was angry. Anyhow, sometimes people 'fall off the wagon' regarding their behavior, it happens and they can always get back on. It's hard to know these things or be alright with them when you're not close enough that you can drive over and ask, "what's wrong?"

Sleeping when stressed out or upset can lead to nightmares, I know I get them. Perhaps when you two do talk, you could ask him to make an effort to contact you even when he's upset because this behavior does affect you and he needs to remember that he's not the only one that hurts sometimes. You guys are a couple, when one hurts the other hurts too, it's how it works.

[Insanity]

I've asked him over and over to make an effort when he starts to shut down but he just doesn't. It makes no sense to me, he says he knows it hurts me and he hates to see me hurt but something stops him. It's weird because he seems to try extra hard when he's ok though, would leave me messages when in reality he wouldn't have to. Even when I was with him he'd message me on facebook saying he loved me.

Just hoping this is all it is.

[LadyMarchHare]

Old habits die hard and depending on his frame of mind he may either not be aware he's doing it or he can't really see past the proverbial blinders to figure out how to stop. It's the biggest downside to long distance. In person if they shut down there's still physical presence and you can be in their face anyway to snap them out. Over the phone or internet, when they shut down, that's pretty much it. You can't interpret silence via text or phone, there's no way to tell how they're feeling if they won't say anything.

[Joyce:)]

i'm hoping you're doing a bit better, keep us posted <3

[Insanity]

LadyMarchHare, Yeah that's exactly it. He got a little distant as it got closer and closer to me leaving and I can't imagine it was overly easy on him when I was sick but at least he was still there, I could still see him, I knew he still loved me, just need his own space. We could sit opposite sides of the couch and barely talk and I was ok with that because I knew I'd get time to cuddle with him when he felt like it. It's extremely hard when he's distant online, I worry about him and jump to conclusions.
I just wrote out what I want to say to him in word. I'm not sure I'm ready to send it to him but I will at some point. I feel very vulnerable in it and at the moment I don't think I feel comfortable putting myself out there again for him.

Thanks Joyce, I'm getting by. I'll let you all know how things go.