Dealing With Unsupportive/Jealous Friend

[Snowy.Winter]

I agree with you, it does seem like she's jealous. I had a few unsupportive friends and would make fun of the fact I was in an LDR. I'm no longer friends with these people, they're too much hassle and just put a dampener on everything. They're not worth it.

Hope you had a nice time with your SO

[LadyMarchHare]

I can't speak for everyone but in my case there were a multitude of reasons as for why my now ex-best friend was not supportive. Even though she had been in four LDRs over the years, they all ended badly. The first guy she dated a year and he cheated on her locally. (which I think was better in the end, she was 14 and he was 19 at the time) The second I have no clue what happened but it lasted maybe 6 months, same with the third only that guy was just a pure asshole and treated everyone like the scum of the earth. The fourth she dated for a little more than two years, he was perfect for her, but after he was arrested and banned from his airport for having suspicious chemicals in his luggage (he was a chemist over in Scotland, they thought he was going to come here to sell the stuff for drugs or bombs) he became highly possessive, very clingy, and threatened to kill himself every time she didn't answer her phone. Nutball even proposed to her during a fight. So she became jaded about online relationships even though when I told her I liked my guy she was all for me telling him.

Another reason was she was already jealous of me because my home life was better than hers. Her parents were psychos, I at least had a mom who cared. She had to pay $400 a month rent to live with her parents while working at a $7.50 an hour job six days a week, and I didn't have to pay rent. I had this, she didn't. I had that, she didn't. So on. She practically oozed jealousy sometimes but I figured everybody's gonna envy somebody until after a couple months into my relationship she began trying to get a guy too. Unfortunately she dressed like a hooker and acted like a nympho so all she would get were sleazebags and strangers offering her quickies in a broom closet or the back of their car. She'd even brag to me about these things just to have the right to say she was so attractive even strangers wanted in her pants where all I had was one guy I'd never been in the same room with.

Eventually the jealousy overtook her and she stopped treating me like a friend or even a person (I came to her crying one night because I was depressed, she told me, "yeah well I've felt like that for three years now, good luck") even though I took her to musicals we liked, concerts, bought her all sorts of things, and spent so much money on gas just driving the hour's distance to see her instead of letting her drive to me. She accused my guy of things, got me so riled once I almost destroyed our relationship from anger she put in my head, and finally I couldn't take it anymore no matter how many times I talked to her about it. Several days after I told her we couldn't be friends she went out and got drunk and blamed it all on me. So really in my case SHE let a guy come between us, not me.

Friends shouldn't have to alter how they talk to each other or treat each other just because one is in a relationship. In doing that it's basically already deciding who they're going to pick if it comes to "me or the man". I guess some people think they have to be number one in that person's life and get all the loyalty and free time this person has.

[Sierra]

What bothers me is that I was previously in an unhealthy relationship that literally, cost me all my friends. She was supportive of that relationship then, because she says that she knew everyone turned their back on me and when it all fall apart I'd need someone to turn to.

I have been jealous of plenty of friends for being in relationships, and this LDR is not something that I would have ever chosen for myself, but when the person is right for you and you have such a strong connection, I think it's worth giving it a chance. I've never let my jealousy get in the way of any of my friendships, and it's sad to see how relationships do get in the way, or may be the straw that broke the camels back in many other relationships.

I can't imagine turning my back on a friend because they were finally happy. In my case, I waited over a year to meet my man, and I can understand why people would have discouraged me from doing that - I could have been (and still may be) wasting my time, but I don't think I am. I always say that we never know if a relationship is the one that'll last our lifetime until it's too late.

I'm really saddened to read that so many of you have had to deal with unsupportive friends, I honestly would believe that in this day and age, with the prevalence of the internet and LDRs becoming much more common that not only would people be more accepting, they would be more supportive. But I suppose that's too much to ask.

For me, I know that there are other issues that are leading to what's going on with my friendship as well, I think this just may be the straw breaking the camels back. But maybe I just need to move her from my inner circle of friends, to my outer circle.

[LadyMarchHare]

My thought is a lot of the wariness and non-support for an online relationship or one based so far apart physically is due to the media's constant streaming of how the internet is bad, how everyone on the internet is out to hurt you, etc. People buy in to the aggravated media coverage and it colors their own opinions. And of course there are folks out there that believe because it's on the computer, it's not real. People will cheat with lovers or spouses with online folks and say it doesn't count when in actuality it does. Naturally not everyone thinks these things or is like that for those specific reasons, but it's common enough.

I agree with you in saying I couldn't imagine turning a friend away or being cruel because they're happy, regardless of whether I am or not. Otherwise why be friends with them? It's when things like friendships go through the ringer that you see who needs keeping and who needs to be shown the door in your life. It's why I'm grateful for places like LFAD, we all may essentially be strangers but we form bonds enough that we can rejoice with someone when they're happy even if we're a touch jealous, and support them when they're sad. Basics of friendship.

[Sierra]

I'm surprised the media is still fear mongering about the dangers of the internet. I mean, I agree with it for minors and I think it's important to be mindful, but internet relationships are so prevalent now. Luckily, I've been on the internet and meeting people from the internet for a very long time, and most of my family and friends realize that I have good judgement when it comes to who I reach out to and allow into my life from the internet. There is still that stigma that exists though - oh you met on the INTERNET?

I understand being worried about the safety of friends, but when it's passed that point and you realize that this is a normal, decent person, you would think that more would be more supportive. Hopefully in the future.

I am glad to have found this place as it seems to be filled with love and support, and it's great to talk to people who are in the same situation.

[LadyMarchHare]

As long as bad things happen, the media will continue to dig its spurs in. Case in point being the incident where a girl committed suicide because of being bullied online by someone else and their mother. The media jumped on it and still brings it up. Yes it was a tragedy and I think the bullies need to be whipped with a bamboo cane but because it's left to fester in the media and thus the minds of those who watch the news, read the newspaper, etc things snowball.

My view on the concern is, if you know the person well enough to know they're not the type of person to do things on a whim or be reckless, you can give them that "be careful" speech but then you have to trust THEIR judgment. Essentially it is their life and you can't shelter them or keep them from doing anything any more than their parents can. If you don't agree with what they're doing, either say so and talk about it or put emotional distance between you two so you're not left with a headache and they don't have you verbally beating them with your opinion.