Reflect

[vpavelock]

I really haven't been on here much at all since the break up simply because I don't believe on dwelling on these things too much. But I really wanted to come on here to shed a little bit of wisdom on the people here. Specifically, the younger people.

I used to think love was enough. No matter the circumstance, love prevails in the end. I thought that things were so hard, but they'd get better, and I thought it was natural to feel so down because you missed someone. Perspective changes when that person is no longer in your life. Love stops blinding you and you begin to see the oppression you dealt with, you see how MUCH you were really sacrificing, and you see that other things besides "him" can make you feel happy (possibly happier.) In our society, so much emphasis is placed on who you're with. Serious/married couples are rarely thought of as separate individuals, but rather one entity. You may go out with friends or family and people ask "Where is [Bob]? As if you do not exist standing alone.

I know many of you are truly, utterly in love. But no matter how in love you are, I think it is extremely important to reflect on how much of yourself you're giving up. How much is your fault? How much are THEY oppressing you? Do they build you up or tear you down? Do they support your goals, or do they make you feel guilty?

Since my break-up, a few weeks ago so much has happened.
I got a job as a tutor on campus, I applied to a new school that has the major I truly want (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages PreK-12 Teacher Certification Program w/ a major in linguistics), I've decided if I don't transfer I will be changing my major to Linguistics at least, I've decided I WILL be studying abroad next Spring (guilt-free!), I decided I REALLY want to join th Peace Corps after college, and I've just been feeling very positive (and empowered.) I've been a much better friends lately, I've been hiking and enjoying nature, my photography drastically improved, etc. All in a few weeks.

I really have no intentions of making anyone leave their SO, but I do intend on making you all reflect for a moment, because I know how blind I was. My SO was not a positive thing for me. You may say in the end, I did not choose love. But I did. I've spent years and years of being the selfless girlfriend that goes completely out of her way for their bf, just to make them happy.

Well finally, I've decided to be a little selfish.
I choose the love of myself.

[LadyMarchHare]

This could've been posted elsewhere on the forum.

And while I agree with your point about making sure things are not on a severely unbalanced scale against your favor in a relationship, I still can't help but detect a note of bitterness in your post. Maybe I'm getting the wrong tone from your text, that's the downside of it.

[mllebamako]

I'm happy for you that you are doing positive things in your life and obviously that relationship was not lifting you up.

Just know that it is possible to have both. I love myself and my relationship. I am lifted up and empowered by myself and in my relationship.

[Trethsparr]

I'm happy for you that you are doing positive things in your life and obviously that relationship was not lifting you up.

Just know that it is possible to have both. I love myself and my relationship. I am lifted up and empowered by myself and in my relationship.

^This.

We do wish you the best in this next phase and know that you're always welcome here.

[vpavelock]

This could've been posted elsewhere on the forum.

And while I agree with your point about making sure things are not on a severely unbalanced scale against your favor in a relationship, I still can't help but detect a note of bitterness in your post. Maybe I'm getting the wrong tone from your text, that's the downside of it.

What you're detecting as "bitterness", is a small bias that for ME I found out that my relationship was bringing me down. I understand completely that you can have both, but I know I'm probably not the only person that this was happening to.

[Michelle]

Just know that it is possible to have both. I love myself and my relationship. I am lifted up and empowered by myself and in my relationship.

well said. i feel the same. the only time i'm down is when frank leaves and immediately after. neither frank or i feel down at any other time unless there is a reason for it. we've adjusted to the distance and there is no 'woe is me' attitude being apart. i would have left him years ago if that is how i felt.

long distance relationships are certainly not for everyone especially if you're not with the right person.

... i wish my shift key would work ;9 that's a frown face.

[vpavelock]

long distance relationships are certainly not for everyone especially if you're not with the right person.

certainly true. I thought it was normal to feel as down as I did, but now I see the manipulation, the control, the lack of support that made me feel that way. When a relationship stops being a positive thing, it doesn't stop being love, it stops being worth it.

[toggle]

I understand what you are trying to say. Some of the stuff that I read on this site makes me really grateful about mine and my SO's relationship because we don't oppress each other or restrict each other's lives. We spend hours talking to each other because we want to, not because we have to. I'm currently trying to work out whether I will stay in England next year or if I will move to Nebraska after graduation. But my SO is really supportive and although I know he really wants me to go there instead of staying in England, he's completely supportive and doesn't make me feel guilty about giving preference to my career. I don't think that LDRs are for everyone but for me and my SO, I think we work really well at it. I sometimes wonder whether it is wrong that I don't find being in an LDR extremely difficult. Don't get me wrong, I do miss him, but I never get to the point where I think that breaking up would be the less painful option, because I would miss not talking to him every day. I think the most important thing is that we have complete trust in each other, so do not get angry or jealous if the other is going to a party or having fun.

[Jonesonaboat]

I would like to give you one massive internet high-five!

[folclor]

I understand your point but like everyone else has said (best put by Michelle and mllebamako) a relationship does not exclude you from following your dreams. In my first relationship I can relate to you but in the one I'm in now is the way a relationship is supposed to be.

Also, I do have to say I think the reason people ask about one's significant other at family gatherings or friendly gatherings is that if you married that person then it's as good as saying that he or she is the most important person in your life at that moment. If it's a girl's night out that'd be an odd question to ask but if it's a gathering with a lot of other couples I think it's almost appropriate ^^; I think it shows more concern (is he/she sick? injured? or did he/she just have something better to do? in that case, oh, that's great, you're here) than an unwillingness to separate the person from the couple.

[Rach321]

What you're detecting as "bitterness", is a small bias that for ME I found out that my relationship was bringing me down. I understand completely that you can have both, but I know I'm probably not the only person that this was happening to.

Very true! It really is true that our relationships with others are strongest and healthiest when we truly do love ourselves and look out for ourselves and what we individually need. I'm glad that you're processing through your breakup in a positive way. It will make your next relationship 100 times better. Best wishes to you!

[Joyce:)]

I think that having a boyfriend that oppresses you can happen both in a long distance or a normal relationship.
sure, we mustn't be blinded by love, and there are people who stay in relationships in which they are being treated worse than the "welcome" mat in front of their front door, but i'm seriously hoping that most of the people here who are willing to persue the long distance challenge are doing it because they believe they have found their better half, the person who makes them better people by loving and respecting them.
You obviously were in the wrong relationship, and it would have been the wrong one even if he had been living nextdoor.
I'm glad you're getting your life back, that's what i did when i broke up with who obviously was ABSOLUTELY wrong for me.
I hope you'll find the one that encourages you to persue your dreams, who makes you want to be even better, who reminds you that you are his day and night, stars, sky, sun and all those other lovely cheesy things
xoxo

[vpavelock]

I understand what you are trying to say. Some of the stuff that I read on this site makes me really grateful about mine and my SO's relationship because we don't oppress each other or restrict each other's lives. We spend hours talking to each other because we want to, not because we have to. I'm currently trying to work out whether I will stay in England next year or if I will move to Nebraska after graduation. But my SO is really supportive and although I know he really wants me to go there instead of staying in England, he's completely supportive and doesn't make me feel guilty about giving preference to my career. I don't think that LDRs are for everyone but for me and my SO, I think we work really well at it. I sometimes wonder whether it is wrong that I don't find being in an LDR extremely difficult. Don't get me wrong, I do miss him, but I never get to the point where I think that breaking up would be the less painful option, because I would miss not talking to him every day. I think the most important thing is that we have complete trust in each other, so do not get angry or jealous if the other is going to a party or having fun.

It sounds to me like you have a very healthy LDR. I used to think it was weird not to feel terrible while you're separated, but now I realize I only felt that way because he didn't make me feel good while we were apart. A healthy LDR is exactly what you described, you still have the all of the same connection, minus the physical one.

[PucasKitten]

I agree I realized this after my first serious relationship that was CD but it can still happen if you allow yourself to be lost in the emotions.