Suddenly Long Distance. How do I tell him he needs to make more of an effort?

[arzelturner]

I know I have done a lot of posts tonight theres just a lot on my mind, My husband and I have lived together for 2 years before we had to suddenly become Long Distance. He has never been one for talking about his feeling so he always showed it by stuff like cuddling and back rubs and so on and so forth. Now that we are long distance that part is gone and its starting to feel like we are just friends and its making me sad. We never really do anything sexual. (see my other post) the only time he tells me that he loves me or that he misses me is at the end of a conversation and its usually only a response back (Like "I love you too" or "I miss you too") I have already sent him 3 letters and a care package with his favorite candy. I post on his facebook everyday and I always call him. I have tried talking to him about it before but he just said "I call you once in awhile isn't that me showing that I care?" Am I being selfish? What do I do? I love him with all my heart yet when we talk on the phone its mainly silence and I tried the whole "100 questions" thing and he hated it. How can I tell him he needs to make more of an effort?

[LadyMarchHare]

Ever heard the saying "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar"? Same principle. Use I statements, be encouraging. "I really appreciate it when you text me/call me. I love hearing you say "I love you". I would really appreciate it if you [insert whatever you want him to do more, whether it's call, text, talks to you a certain way, whatever] because it makes me feel loved." Don't say "I want you to do this" because then it becomes an obligation, but if you enforce it with positive feedback and leave him room to decide to do it or how to, it's more genuine. Some guys when they get comfortable in a relationship don't find it necessary to voice affection because they know you already know they love you, so why say it? Thing is a lot of women need the reassurance, to hear it from their partner even though they do know they are loved. It's just nice hearing it and being reminded.

[arzelturner]

I just go through changes because I send him these emails telling him about my day that he never responds to, I am starting to wonder if I should stop posting on his facebook because I post on his all the time and he has yet to post on mine. I send him songs every day. I asked him to try and take a picture every day for me and he said no because "I will forget and you will get mad" I asked him to send me a letter like I have been sending him letters and at first he said "I don't know how to write a letter" after I sent him links and told him pretty much what to tell me and he said "I have to save all my money so I can't afford a stamp."

I am starting to feel like he is just making excuses and I don;t know what to do.

Part of me worries that he is enjoying his freedom up there and he is going to realize that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

[arzelturner]

I just go through changes because I send him these emails telling him about my day that he never responds to, I am starting to wonder if I should stop posting on his facebook because I post on his all the time and he has yet to post on mine. I send him songs every day. I asked him to try and take a picture every day for me and he said no because "I will forget and you will get mad" I asked him to send me a letter like I have been sending him letters and at first he said "I don't know how to write a letter" after I sent him links and told him pretty much what to tell me and he said "I have to save all my money so I can't afford a stamp."

I am starting to feel like he is just making excuses and I don;t know what to do.

Part of me worries that he is enjoying his freedom up there and he is going to realize that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

[LadyMarchHare]

If you're constantly making some form of contact with him whether it's sending him things or posting on his wall, etc maybe you need to cut back? It could be you're coming off as clingy or needy. You have every right to miss him and want to talk with him, share your day, but there's a line. Yeah it does sound like he's making excuses, especially with the stamp deal (they're, what, 49 cents right now? A roll of 12 won't set him back much) but that may be because he feels overwhelmed by all you've done and he may not want to start something he can't keep up with and possibly incur your wrath. But that's all speculation because I don't know your husband personally.

If he's actually enjoying himself to the point of wanting a divorce then he wasn't worth your time to begin with but I highly doubt that's the case. Just calm down, find stuff to occupy your time that's away from any negativity or temptation to contact him every five minutes and enjoy having the time to yourself. If you really need the reassurance and the little things like that from him, talk to him about it. Don't ask for a whole slew of things, maybe ask he write you once a month or every two weeks, or just something simple, easy, and quick that takes just a minute out of his time and little to nothing out his pocket so you don't feel the effort's all one-sided.

[arzelturner]

I am not really posting every 5 minutes, I maybe do 2 posts a day. Mainly the Songs and once in awhile I will put something else on there. We have been together for 2 years physically and its just hard to have him gone and it seems like it doesn't phase him at all. I miss him so bad but to him its like its nothing. He has always told me that I saved his life and that I am the best thing that ever happened to him but suddenly its like that kinda went away and idk what to do. Its more like we are friends then husband and wife and the only thing that you can tell that we are even together is the fact that we say "I love you" at the end. *sigh* I mean in the 2 years we have lived together the longest we have spent apart was a night and when I was gone he spent the whole time messaging me and IMing me.

[njoki]

hi Arzel,
Am in the same boat , i write email, send poems every Monday , call when i can and ill i get some times is a forced " i love you too " Every day i want stop but something tells me not too.Ive Tried addressing this by letting me know how I feel but all on deaf ears. I don't know what to do.

[LadyMarchHare]

I am not really posting every 5 minutes, I maybe do 2 posts a day. Mainly the Songs and once in awhile I will put something else on there. We have been together for 2 years physically and its just hard to have him gone and it seems like it doesn't phase him at all. I miss him so bad but to him its like its nothing. He has always told me that I saved his life and that I am the best thing that ever happened to him but suddenly its like that kinda went away and idk what to do. Its more like we are friends then husband and wife and the only thing that you can tell that we are even together is the fact that we say "I love you" at the end. *sigh* I mean in the 2 years we have lived together the longest we have spent apart was a night and when I was gone he spent the whole time messaging me and IMing me.

Hate to bring gender stuff into this but a lot of men don't outwardly show their emotions in the same way women do. Women can talk about how they feel all day long and guys just sit there and look at you like you're crazy. You mentioned he's more affectionate physically when you're together and that's the reassurance I think you're missing. Because you're now no longer together in the same room for him to express himself in a way he's comfortable, you're looking to fill that gap with something else and he may not be up for it. Doesn't mean he loves you any less.

[arzelturner]

Yeah Its hard because thats how he shows love is by doing things for me and he doesn't make the connection that part is gone to us right now and we need to find some other way to show our love. He doesn't really have money right now so he can send me gifts or anything like that. I just wish that he would write me like one email or a letter or hell even post on my wall that he loves me or post a status about how he misses me. Is that asking for too much?

[LadyMarchHare]

To him it may be, if it's out of his comfort zone. Maybe you could try talking to him and see what he's willing to do to show you affection while you two are apart?

[arzelturner]

I have mentioned the stuff before and he said that he would do it but he hasn't and if I know my husband (and I do pretty well) If he hasn't done it by now he has forgotten. (gotta love being married to a man with ADD) Maybe I need to try talking to him in a way of instead of saying "This is what I would like you to do" I should instead say "What do you think is a good idea to do?" It could work its just the last time we talked about this it was clear that he thought that just because once in awhile he calls me instead of me calling him that is enough,

[LadyMarchHare]

If he has problems remembering, there's no harm in reminding him, just not in an accusing way. Very well could've been at the time you talked about that he was frustrated already and didn't feel like dealing with it. If that's how he honestly feels, just honestly tell him that to you, it isn't enough and you would appreciate a bit more than that.