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**NaNi** · April 13, 2011, 04:27 PM

I read through the whole conversation, but I can't really give you any advice. Mostly because my SO and I sometimes have the same issue. It starts out with a small thing really, but it turns into this huge argument which lasts for a few good days. Later we can talk about it normally and we promise that we're going to change things. Right now we're really happy again, so I'm thankful for that. As for how your conversation ended... if he's really that annoyed with that topic I would probably just give it a rest for a bit. It's totally understandable that you want those romantic things, but he seems pretty annoyed with it right now so it won't get you far.

**meldir** · April 13, 2011, 04:42 PM

its hard to discuss these things via IM because you cant guarantee how text comes across, depends on the mood each person is in, punctuation etc etc. your reasons are very understandable but id try to solve it over the phone next time

always try not to sound accusing if its a touchy subject :>

**Darth_Taco** · April 13, 2011, 04:45 PM

I don't know how often you bring this up, but this can seem like nagging behavior. This can cause a guy to want to do something less. Men never respond well to nagging behavior, hence why I rarely even listen to the women in my life XP (not sexist, just that guys never nag me). Regardless, it's stupid to say "we're fine" when it's pretty obvious that you're miserable. If things were really so good you wouldn't be feeling so crappy or looking to other people to try and help you understand why he's acting like an ass. I get he's feeling crappy himself due to the job-hunting, but that's no reason to take it out on you. Maybe next time this gets brought up, you can make those two statements to him. Just give this argument a rest, maybe a week. See what happens, and if you still feel like it's a problem then bring it up again. Don stay quiet about your relationship problems, but careful how often you bring it up.

**Joyce:)** · April 13, 2011, 05:04 PM

all i can say is *hugs*, and okay, i understand he's stressed out and all by work, but yes, really, it takes no effort to post on walls.
you have my total understanding, you can email me if you need to vent.
xoxo

**Rosebud** · April 13, 2011, 05:10 PM

Hmm, I'm seeing this more from his point of view so perhaps this might be what's going on. It's perfectly understandable that you miss your husband, obviously all of us here know what that's like to want to be with and talk to our SOs. But going by your signature it seems you and your guy will be closing the distance in just a little over 2 months. Now, I don't know how long you guys have been long distance (though if I remember your intro thread correctly this hasn't been a long term thing), but it's possible your husband just doesn't view the long distance the same way as you do. As he said, he IS looking for a job as he knows the distance will be closed and I can see it that it is that which he is focused on, not the distance or how much he misses you because he knows there is an end date in sight and it's not going to take years and years. I could see how you'd want these things in return from him, but at the same time my advise is to step back, realize this'll all be over very soon and maybe you should focus more on that instead of what's going on in between. I have no doubt your husband loves and misses you, but searching for a steady job is extremely stressful and is probably more important to him than sending you little things to show his love of which he knows YOU already know how much he cares for you.

**Mara** · April 13, 2011, 05:13 PM

Are you nagging him on this issue? Obviously, I'm just some random person on the internet I don't know the conversations that go on between you and your husband, but it seems like you are being a bit of a nag and harping on this one issue. I'll tell you right now; that isn't going to get you anywhere and that's just going to make your husband pissed off. No one wants to hear the person they love go on and on about one thing that they aren't doing that is making their partner unhappy. Men especially feel this way.

Another thing, don't keep record of what you do and what your husband does. The two of you are two different people. He won't show affection the way you show affection so saying well I've done this, that, and the other and why can't you do the same isn't a fair statement at all. I send my boyfriend emails and I write on his wall and send him gifts and cards and things. He doesn't reciprocate everything I do and I don't expect him to. I know he loves me and I know some things are just not in his nature to do or he doesn't have time/money to do. I do those things for my boyfriend to make him feel special not because I want or expect him to do the same.

Find out what it is that you need in your relationship to be happy, not based on what you do for him or how other people's relationships are, but on what you NEED, not want, and then go from there. For right now though, I'd leave this issue alone because it seems it's become a sore subject between the two of you.

**arzelturner** · April 13, 2011, 05:30 PM

Its hard to keep a record when he really hasn't done anything. I just wish he would express it more. I tried talking to him about it in a calm matter and it turned into an argument. What I am upset about is that he won't even TRY. How long does it take to post on someone's wall? Less then a minute. Thats just what I want him to do. I just feel like I have done so much and the most he does is call once in awhile

**snow_girl** · April 13, 2011, 05:37 PM

The first time we said our 'i love you's right after he said that he didn't want to be those couples that flood eachothers wall with cheesy stuff. It kinda killed the mood a bit but it doesn't mean he doesn't love me cause he doesn't publicly express it. In the log it doesn't seem like he is one of those mushy guys either.

**Silencedsongs** · April 13, 2011, 06:14 PM

Originally posted by Rosebud View Post

Hmm, I'm seeing this more from his point of view so perhaps this might be what's going on. It's perfectly understandable that you miss your husband, obviously all of us here know what that's like to want to be with and talk to our SOs. But going by your signature it seems you and your guy will be closing the distance in just a little over 2 months. Now, I don't know how long you guys have been long distance (though if I remember your intro thread correctly this hasn't been a long term thing), but it's possible your husband just doesn't view the long distance the same way as you do. As he said, he IS looking for a job as he knows the distance will be closed and I can see it that it is that which he is focused on, not the distance or how much he misses you because he knows there is an end date in sight and it's not going to take years and years. I could see how you'd want these things in return from him, but at the same time my advise is to step back, realize this'll all be over very soon and maybe you should focus more on that instead of what's going on in between. I have no doubt your husband loves and misses you, but searching for a steady job is extremely stressful and is probably more important to him than sending you little things to show his love of which he knows YOU already know how much he cares for you.

^
Precisely.

**Deleted Account** · April 13, 2011, 06:17 PM

i think you are handeling it all wrong.. and here's why.

If he's not acting in any way nice towards you, like finding you a song lyric etc.. thats just not his way of expressing how much he loves you. You shouldnt want him to do this for you.. those things need to come from his heart. What i think you should do is sit down, and think about all the other things that he has done. You cannot change who he is.. so you cannot expect him to do these things for you just because thats what you want.

My bf has never showed me a song that has made him think of me, where as i've showed him about 5. I would love it if he did, but he hasnt. That doesnt mean that i hate it tho. He does a million other things.. like draw hearts with different emoticons and send it to me.

The thing is... you should try to please him in different ways (and i dont mean just sexually, altho those are generally good ways of getting a guy to feel a more emotional bond with you). Just do things that he would appreciate. Not things like a song etc that you found that reminded you of him.. cuz he doesnt see the connection.. so you know that wont work. But you should find other things to make him happy, that way he'll be able to express himself in his own way.. later on.

I cannot tell you which things, because i dont know him.

Also, a while ago i read an article about how to keep a balanced relationship. one thing the woman said was that you should try to remind your partner how incredible, and awesome and wonderful he is... but those things should come from your heart. After i read that, it made me happy, because ever since i met my bf, i tell him pretty much every day that he's the most wonderful and amazing and incredible guy in the world! (which he is :P)

stuff like that are more likely to make him want to express himself in a similar matter towards you.

**Brandie** · April 13, 2011, 06:25 PM

I think that bringing this up a lot is an issue. I don't think it's wrong to want him to do romantic things for you at all, EVERY woman wants that from their SO. But maybe bringing it up all the time isn't a good idea. This probably makes him feel like he's not a good boyfriend, and isn't leveling up to your expectations. And maybe he's just not the romantic type, I'm sure he will get more romantic when times goes by, but telling him he needs to be more romantic, exactly what you want, posts on your wall, an ecard, that's making it not be so romantic after all because you're telling him what to do. He needs to think of his own ways of being romantic, and that might not be making public on your wall that he loves. Everyone has a different way of showing emotion and love towards their SO, you just need to give him that time to think of his own romantic ideas instead of nagging over and over what he should be doing. I hope you guys can figure things out soon!

**kiara_silver** · April 13, 2011, 07:14 PM

Guys don't feel the need to always be romantic. But one thing this convo sort of reminded me was when i was missing my nathan and he was on and i was just teasing saying before i say what i wanted to say i needed him to show me he loved me more, and he replied me being up late spending time with you isn't prrof enogh. (or something like that kind of forgot exactly what he said.) but the part where he said 12:15:45 PM obsidian.raven6906: I went out of my way to come up amd risk not having a place to live in a month. Hows that for our of my fucking way?
Sounds like he feels he's proved his love. I had recently read a article, and said about how when you first start dating and he's trying to win you over he showers you with love and gifts and such. But the more they are with you and the more secure and comfortable they are with you the less they have to work. Not that they love you any less but there confident in there relationship. He's busy with work and such so he's focused on that and and your waiting for him wanting more, and its frustrating. (im in this boat, my SO is so busy and i want more attention from him or some kind of gesture) but patience is key. You two will be closing the distance soon. You know he loves you, so yes its hard but i think you should try to be a bit more understanding of his side and maybe give some space? Im sorry i don't have great advice, i really hope all works out!

**Deleted Account** · April 13, 2011, 07:24 PM

actually... now that i've found a few of your posts around the website... i have a few more things to add...

i wish u could talk to him.. in a none nagging way.. approach him in some way.. but you need to talk to him. a long distance relationship, requires a lot of effort from both people. Not just you. He needs to understand that you have your needs.. just like he has his.

Im saying this because i feel that he's not putting any effort at all to keep things good between you too. Instead, i feel like he's just being overly negative about every aspect and not giving you the opportunity to experiment and open your minds to these changes that are currently going on in your relationship. He needs to understand that ok.. you're not together anymore.. but that doesnt mean that every aspect of your relationship is dead. There's more to a relationship than just physical contact and thats where you both need to work things out.

I still stand on my previous post.. i do feel like your nagging him.. and i suggest that you also change your mindset to be more positive about all these changes. You shouldnt preassure him too much..

I know right now, you're probably feeling really desperate, but please calm down.. and try to think reasonably.. you know your husband and you should know a way to approach him. Maybe doing something really nice, like a letter that you decorate in photoshop and email to him.. might get the point across. You need to remind him that he's the most important person in your life, and that all you want is for him to be happy.. that you just want to be able to find ways in which to cope with the distance, and that you need his help to find out what those things are. Just talk to him...

suggest different activies to do.. like setting up a date night in which both of you can spend the night talking or watching a movie syncronized on your computers etc, and find out what he thinks about these things.

I feel like those are the kinds of things you should try to do.. instead of preassuring him into finding a song the reminds him of you.

Here... imma paste the article of my first post so you can read it.. and for every1 else... I thought it was an amazing article and that every1 should really use it as their 10 commandments.

10 ways to maintain a balanced relationship
by Katarina Kovacevic

10 ways to maintain a balanced relationship
Being in a relationship can sometimes feel like more work than play and there may be days when the bad seems to outweigh the good. But the most important element in a successful relationship is learning how to work through the tough spots. Arguments are inevitable but just because you and your significant other disagree doesn't mean you're doomed for splitsville. We connected with several relationship experts to get their thoughts on what truly makes a healthy relationship.

Dr. Karen Sherman is a relationship psychologist specializing in premarital, on-going and married relationships and she's got this advice to offer couples:

"Make sure you know the skills to have a healthy conflict," she said. "When a couple is able to do this, they can actually have a more intimate relationship." So an argument from time to time can actually be good for a couple. Just don't hit below the belt!

"Never humiliate your partner publicly or throw something back in his or her face that has been offered to you as something private. These can be more a breach to your relationship than an actual affair." Lesson: what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Learn how to keep some elements of your relationship private.

"Do not expect your mate to fulfill all of your needs and take time to understand how your partner's needs are met through words and actions." The "you complete me" scene in Jerry Maguire may have had you sobbing like a sucker but learn how to take care of your own needs and nurture your partners – but don't live for them.

"Give verbal aphrodisiacs daily to your partner," she said. "Tell them they look good, that you loved the dinner they cooked." Who knew foreplay and wordplay went together so well?

"Try to go to bed at the same time every night," she said. "Even if one of you has to get up later for work."

Ladies and gentlemen, it should come as no surprise. Sex is just as important as communication. Thank you, Dr Weil! "Make sex a priority," she said. "Schedule it in. Take turns developing a sexual adventure for your partner. Use sex as a stress buster!"

"Put your partner first," said Barnes. "Put yourself in their shoes and try to think what it's like to be them before making any judgments. Most importantly, trust them." So, the next time you want to go out and party with the girls instead of following through with your set dinner plans, try to think how you'd feel if the tables were turned.

According to Barnes, the language of love comes in many different forms. "There is a fine line between being honest and being cruel. Be honest with kindness and use soft language, don't be brutal." So the next time you're ready to explode, take a step back and reconsider your approach. "And every night before you go to bed, tell your partner seven things that you are grateful for in your relationship."

"Become unbeatable together. Stay strong together under any circumstance and be each other's rock. You are each other's best friend, lover and confidant. Be loyal to one another and don't let anyone talk bad about your partner."

We've always heard it's important to pick your battles and Barnes definitely agrees. "Stop criticizing and complaining to your partner. If you have complaints try writing them down in a notebook and read them later. You'll be surprised how petty they really are.

**Sav88** · April 13, 2011, 07:47 PM

The problem with the IM'ing is that wires get crossed even though you tell him you're calmly letting him know and not trying to start anything. I guess he felt hurt by you saying he needs to do more romantic things and then decided to go all sulky on you and wanted to blame you. I've been through this when I first started with my SO. We'd get our emotions all wrong over the smallest things and it'd turn into a petty fight. I liked how you said you'd rather talk it over on the phone but since he was already hurt and sulking over it, it was too late to even start a phone conversation. I know it's hard, but he just has to think about whats happened and try and get over it. Some guy's aren't into giving lovey dovey messages to their partners on FB- my SO used to do that to me and I'd be the one posting cute love things to him and get nothing in return. But I had to accept the fact he wasn't that sort of guy back then. I must say he's now better at it and I get some suprises now and then

But yeah, sounds to me like your hubby is sulking over being hurt but needs to think about it. It'll be fine.

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Did I hadle this wrong? IDK what to do

Did I hadle this wrong? IDK what to do

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