Rant rant rant rant rant. (Advice welcomed!)

[juliaentwined]

I really don't know what to do anymore. It's extremely sad that every time troubles come, my first instinct is to give up, but most of the time, I don't know what else to do!

Every time we try to plan a visit, Parker's parents get in the way. This time it's for my birthday. My 16th birthday, to be exact. And like everyone else, I sorda make a big deal out of it. All I'm asking for? Parker to come for the weekend. But no, i can't even get that.

First, his mom is super protective. Parker is almost 18 (I know I've said that many times, but I'm trying to make a point). In America, 18 is of legal age. Granted, it's still young. But I think someone at 18 should be able to handle a 2 and half hour drive. His mom doesn't agree. She wouldn't even let him drive 20 minutes to the prom venue when I went down for his prom. So, his parents always have to come when he comes to see me.

Second, they refuse to stay over night. I've offered many times to let them stay at my house, but they won't. Their reason is that they don't want us having sex. I'm saving myself til marriage, yet his mom is set on the image that I'm going to take her son's innocence while adults are in the house.... She's even forced him to take condoms after being told about 10 times that I'm remaining abstinent.

Third, Parker will never stand up to them. He cowers every time. He never says anything. I've tried to get him to, and he says, "I've tried." Yet, I never feel like he really does TRY.

Fourth, his mom comes off as extremely selfish to me. She even told my mother that she wasn't going to take time out of her schedule to take Parker here. Now, I'm not asking for every weekend. I'm asking for important dates. Like 6 times a year. And she wouldn't be needed if she would let him come by himself.

I'm almost about to just say, "Forget even ever coming. Not until you don't have your parents with you." Because I'm sick of dealing with them. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth staying with him at all because I feel like his parents are so in control that one day they'll say, "You need to break up with Julia." and he'll just be like, "Okay!"

[Sierra]

Parents are a tricky thing, especially when you're so young. While yes, 18 is the age that we can all legally be "free" the truth is you aren't free from your parents grasp until you can support yourself. I don't want you to think that I don't understand why you're frustrated, because I do, but I want to ask you these questions first.

Did he buy himself or is he the title holder of the car?
Does he pay his own car insurance?
Does he pay his own gas?

If the answer is no to any of these, than his parents do have a right to control where he does and does not drive to. Maybe he can find an alternative, such as asking a friend if he can pay them to drive him to your place.

As for the overnight thing, ever parent thinks their kid is going to have sex, especially since he's at that age. You can't blame them for being worried or not trusting him, horny young men can't be trusted.

As for him standing up to them, I do think he should find out and address why they have such an issue with your relationship, maybe it's a conversation you guys can all have together. I don't think his mom is being selfish, I think she disapproves of the relationship and you're asking her to take major time out of her life for something it sounds like she doesn't approve of, the real question here is WHY. Why doesn't she approve?

I came from a very controlling household, and even at 20 when I asked my mom if a guy friend (not a boyfriend, not someone I was sleeping, literally just a guy friend) could crash on our couch and she freaked out and said no. WTF? In the end though, it's her house, her rules.

I hope that you guys are able to resolve this and I think the first issue would be to figure out why his parents are so against this in the first place.

[juliaentwined]

I would, however, Parker will not address anything with his parents. And to an extent, I don't blame him. I've been on the phone when he asks something to them, and no matter what, his mom ends up yelling.

They don't even want me at his graduation. I had his gifts planned out and everything, and I can't even go.

[Sierra]

I would, however, Parker will not address anything with his parents. And to an extent, I don't blame him. I've been on the phone when he asks something to them, and no matter what, his mom ends up yelling.

They don't even want me at his graduation. I had his gifts planned out and everything, and I can't even go.

Why can't you go? Can you not get a ride there?

[BabyGund]

Julia, I'm going to be blunt here, after reading several of your threads tonight.

His parents do not like you. I don't know why, but they just don't.

The solution? You can deal with the restrictions Parker has until such time as Parker can move out, be independent and then it doesn't matter who he dates. Or you can break up.

Does Parker have any plans to go to college, to start with the independence?

[LadyMarchHare]

Gonna agree with BabyGund. There are times when people just dislike you and think you're gum on their expensive shoe for no reason other than you exist. Because you're young and he's still dependent on them as far as shelter, food, and other variables that means you are both at their mercy. You can't force people to like you and I think in this case the more you shove your face into the picture the less they will like you. You guys chose to be together despite this and it's up to him to either lie back and take it or take the necessary measures to slowly get out from under their thumbs so that when they balk, that's all they can do, they can't pull the plug.

If you think you are unable to handle it, then leave. I know it's not what you want to hear, but just because someone's an adult in the eyes of the law doesn't mean it trumps all authority their parents have, especially when they still live with them.

[Zephii]

I know it's hard, but you need to face the fact that if you stay with him, they are likely to be part of your life forever. People are all like "you're not marrying his parents blah blah" but in a way you are. Family dinners, events, the influence they will have on your kids and all that. So really, think it through. Can you handle that?

That aside, he's nearly 18. He's not yet 18. So you will just need to be patient. Hopefully when he is 18 he'll be man enough to make a stand, but perhaps he wont be.

With that said, there's always a way, always something you can do. Don't give up so easily if it's something you really want.

[paulawriteslove]

It sounds like you and your SO's parents just don't get along. That can be really tough in a relationship. If you feel like you can't handle it anymore and you feel like he isn't doing anything then end it. You should be happy and not stressing this much, do whatever makes you happy. *hugs* best of luck!

[Silencedsongs]

Sadly, I've witnessed something similar to your situation.

My best friend and her now husband had a similar start to their relationship. His parents did not approve of her, and they did not find her worthy of their son. While the circumstances might be different, and you are indeed young - if you stay with him, you're going to be staying with the family as well. Her husband has not and will not cut the ties with his family despite how horribly they treat him or her. (The speech his mother gave at their wedding... Humiliating to him. People actually walked out.)

If you love him enough, are you willing to put up with it? Because this is not going to change.

[Riyko]

Honestly i think you need to reconsider your relationship with parker, sure you love him but his family is also part of his life can you deal with them for the rest of your life and from what it sounds like he doesn't want to give up his family anytime soon.

Also even if he's 18 or not he's living under his parents roof so he has to abide by their rules no matter you or him like it or not. Things won't change until he stands up to them and it sounds like he won't do that either.

[Tanja]

I sort of agree with what everyone said with a hint of disagreement. I think this situation is made out to be something YOU need to worry about and handle but IMO it's Parker who should do something about it. Because he's got the power to change things, you don't.

If he really wants to be with you then it's his job to stand up for you and for himself and not let his parents treat you like garbage. He needs to tell them that every time they hurt you, they're hurting him too. Being controlling and mean only makes things worse on the long run and Parker will either give in and break up with you (or you'll leave him) or he decides to stay with you and resents his parents for the rest of his life. Saying that, if he would ever fall out with them he might start to blame you for it in the future.

I know he's dependent on them but that does not give them the right to control his whole life and who he falls in love with. Parents are supposed to look out for you, support you and let you try your wings when you want to and then catch you if you fall. Sounds like he's more like a prison than a son to them.

I hope he steps up at least enough so that he would see you on your birthday. On a side note, you're both still young and this kind of strain can ruin your relationship from the start so think long and hard how long are you gonna be able to put up with this cause it's not going to change overnight.

[juliaentwined]

Why can't you go? Can you not get a ride there?

No. His parents don't want me there. It's apparently a "family thing". Which I would respect if I didn't think they hated me.

[juliaentwined]

He is going to college, yes. But again, his parents are refusing to even let him move for it. He constantly says he's going to move out, but I feel as if he's such a baby, that he won't.

We had a huge fight on this last night. And apparently, the whole reason his mother does not approve of our relationship is because "things have happened before". He told me what happened, though I would feel as if I was being disrespectful if I told the entire situation on here. The point I got was that his mom does not want him hurt again.

While I understand this, entirely, I'm not sure it explains any of her behavior. She acts so sweet to me when I'm around then pushes me almost out of his life entirely when I'm not. I explained to him that, I am not these past relationships. I'm Julia. I am who I say I am, and that he needs to tell his mother that if he really cares about me. All I heard from him was, "It's not that easy." Well, NOTHING is easy in this. But it's not going to get any better if he doesn't try.

It would kill me to break up with him, but if his mother's dislike of me keeps tearing us apart, I can't do anything else about it. I wish it could be something like, "When you learn to live by yourself, then we'll try again." or "It might work when we're older but not now." but by that time, both of us will have probably moved on.

[Dziubka]

I agree with everything Tanja said.
He should stand up and try to change things.

I know how hard controlling parents can be. My ex's parents were a prime example of that. They let him move away for uni, but they'd call all the time and always wanted to know where he was going, with who and when he'd be back (like it'd make a difference or they'd knew the places - ugh. Really what does it help to say "I'm going to superhyperclub with Tony, Harry and Susie and coming back at 1am."??). Anyway, as he obviously had had to deal with this all his life he'd just flat out lie to them all of the time. It worked quite well for most of the time. I think they in a way wanted him to lie...
When he transferred from his uni to mine, they went totally insane.
His dad called and offended me, wanted to call my mum (mwhaha), threatned to beat up my ex (he was 21 at the time). He even called his old uni, asked about my ex's grades and went batshit when they told him that they weren't allowed to tell him anything.
I felt like I was in some kind of poorly written soap opera.
My ex ended up writing them a letter and not talking to them for two weeks. After that things were relatively civil for a while, but they still made snide remarks about me all the time and were still being controlling.
We broke up, so I don't really know what his relationship with his parents is like now, but from what I know, after our break up he realised that he needed to become more independent. He has started working and is financially independent now, so that's a big step forward.
Oops, that was somewhat off topic I guess.
But what it boils down is that you have to deal with this until he is able to stand up for himself, you and your relationship. I don't think there's any way you/he can make his parents approve of you(r relationship). As whatever it is that they don't like about you, seems very irrational. If he wants to stay together with you and see you regularly he has do to it, against their will (now and probably in a few years, too).

[leonsfangirl]

I can see this from a parents point of view,
I wouldn't be comfortable with my 17 year old traveling for that amount of time on his own, it's a LONG drive for me and I'm 28 so i can see where there coming from on that front as if it was my son i would insist on taking him.
To me they are just looking out for there son, which as parents is there job BUT it does seem that maybe they don't fully support your relationship otherwise they would make the effort to bring him to you and you'd be attending his graduation.
You can't expect him to stand up to his parents yet, he's not an adult yet and as many others have said until he moves out and supports himself he has to deal with them.
The best you can both do is try to reason with them, Is it possible for them to drive halfway and be met by your parents at a halfway point?
Just try and be reasonable and understanding to his situation, not everybody has there parents support all the time. They will come around eventually if you can show enough respect and understanding.