Just when you think you know what you want

[vpavelock]

I don't know if anyones read my threads about independence and getting through the break up process, but me and my "ex" haven't spoken for a few weeks as a way to grow on our own. Today, what would've been our one year and 5 month, I got 6 texts messaged in the middle of the night, along with a long message, all of which I read when i got up.

My "ex" basically vented about how horrible living without me is, and it being so hard to live with the mistake he made. He told me it hasn't been like my process, feeling good some days, bad others, he told me he misses me all the time and he tried to not talk to me but he couldn't do it anymore.

So with the break up and I've been dealing with it, feeling really empowered and all, I was starting to think I was really happy single and that I'm basically over him. But now, as I'm trying to sort out my thoughts, I'm trying to figure out how much of me wants to be over him, and how much actually is. I'm really not sure what to do. He wants me back and he has agreed to be more supportive and willing to work out our problems rationally, but I just don't know if I can do it again. I never stopped loving him, I just stopped thinking it was worth the pain.

Advice, thoughts, similar circumstances?

[LadyMarchHare]

I have mixed feelings on stuff like that. My SO went through a similar situation with a friend who actually was an ex, she did something to break their friendship and his loyalty to her and so he let her go and despite it being her choice to end the friendship she was making a show of how miserable she was without him and was assuming he was in the same emotional boat she was when in fact he'd gotten over her pretty quick and even forgotten about her. At one point he did try salvaging the friendship but she pulled the same stunts and so he shrugged it off and kept walking saying that it was her choice to be a "frosty bitch" when he'd apologized for his bad behavior. So naturally he had enough desire in him to at least try to fix the friendship, I mean after all they'd known each other 7 years, but it just went down the same drain.

It's nice and dandy and not a lot of effort to thumb out a long "I miss you I screwed up please come back" and send it, but in the end it proves about as much as a blurry photo does that aliens exist. If you're willing to go back the way you came and watch him pull his own weight with his teeth to regain your trust then that's your choice, but my thought is "too little too late" on the whole thing. There's always a possibility it can end up the same as it was, and there's always a possibility things have changed, whether for better or worse. Just a matter of if you're a gambling person and feel lucky.

[Mara]

The heartbreaking thing about relationships is that love isn't enough. Just because you love someone and that person loves you, doesn't make a relationship between the two of you work.

I think you need to decide what you truly want. There's no rush to decide this and there's no right or wrong answer. Don't think about anyone's feelings, but your own; think about what you want and what will make you happy.

In my opinion, it does sound like you were moving on from him and that this message has just set you back and gotten you confused. Totally normal, just don't confuse present feelings with past ones. Personally, I don't do the back and forth thing anymore. Either I'm with someone or I'm not and if I'm not then there's no going back for me.

Also, when thinking about things, remember that he hasn't actually changed he's just saying he's willing to. Which things may or may not be different, but I have a rule of thumb that I like to live by- if I'm not happy with someone the way they are I'm not about to sit around and wait and hope and pray that they change. If you take him back do so because you want to be with the person that he is, not the person that he says he's willing to be.

[BabyGund]

Well, not sure how much you keep up with the push-pull that has been The Boy and I....

Even as I read his email and text, which caught me off-guard and were extremely spiteful, it didn't mean I had stopped loving him. But I did cut him off - meaning I had unfriended him on Facebook, unfollowed him on Twitter and deleted my access to that other forum. But that was more for my self-protection than a means of punishing him.

I knew that if we had given it some time, cooler heads would prevail and we could talk about our relationship. It happened much sooner in this last case...2 days. Well, we still haven't talked about the relationship. But we are talking, we both apologized, and I think we both need to take an objective look at our relationship and where it is going to see if we want to continue.

So, I guess that's my advice.

[Sav88]

My SO asked me back when we had a "breakup" and I was near the same point of being able to be single again and independant on my own- great timing guys have hey!

I still loved him and I had to think about it as we did remain friends after the blow out. I felt, this was his last chance to prove to me he will respect and love me. So it's been 11 months since and he's been amazing

But just have a good think beforehand.

[Sierra]

I've been through this with another man I dated. First we broke up, and a few weeks later, we got back together again. But when it came time for our mutual breakup, I told him, this time it was for good - there was no getting back together, and we stuck with that.

There's always pain that comes with breaking up, especially when the other person wants you back, and it's easy to fall back into those old patterns with someone you already know again. It's up to you if you want to get back together or not.

Why did you break up in the first place?

For me, breaking up instead of working through an issue when you REALLY want to be with a person is an issue. You've gotta make it through the good times and the bad to make a relationship worth it, but if you ask me, when the bad outweigh the good significantly, it's time to move on and stay moved on.

[Semperfikindoflove]

I'll give you a little bit of advice from my experience. My boyfriend and I broke up after he got out of USMC boot camp, we had been through so many ups and downs in the past year that it made him feel like it wasn't worth it. I wasn't happy and for a while I tried to get back together with him one day. Another guy came into my life and became one of my great friends. He told me that I deserved what I though I deserved and I needed to get back to being the confident and independent girl I use to be. Even he could see how miserable I was. Well, my SO found out I went snowboarding with this guy friend and realized how much he screwed up. He wanted me back and being the sucker I was, I realized that I still did want him back. Some days I regret that because he went back to being the same old guy he use to be. But other days I feel like I made the right choice. Just know that he could go back to his old ways as soon as he has you back. Good luck to you and let me know if you need anything!

[vpavelock]

Thank you so much everyone for your responses, I think most of what all you said is true. It's definitely a "actions speak louder than words" type of scenario, and if I do allow this happen to happen again, I need to actually see changed being made. Since we didn't always have these problems, I don't feel like I'm making him change, it's more or less mending our relationship back to where it once was and him treating as he used to. I think throughout the relationship he lost sight of the need to make me happy, and I am starting to see that he wants this to be a good thing. I'm pretty sure I'm going to spend some more time just in a talking stage, so we can just sort out what we're thinking and make things right before we jump back into this, but yes as much as I hate to admit it-- I do want him still, through all he's put me through, I still do.

What I've learned from this break up was very important and I' really happy it did happen. I learned that I love myself, and I was loosing a lot of myself in my relationship. I learned that I was putting up with a lot of things I really shouldn't have been. So with both me realizing this and him realizing the error of his ways, I'm hoping we might be able have a healthier relationship this time around.

Btw, you guys really are great and understanding.

[Sierra]

Good luck!

[vpavelock]

Thank you!

[amandamayaaa]

so i had sort of the exact opposite thing happen to me
right before eric broke up with me.. well before that i was having some needy problems, and i had been trying really hard to work on them

so right before he broke up with me i was finally feeling genuinly happy without always needing to talk to him. i was actually appreciating having him to miss vs. not having him at all, and i was just feeling all in all happy because i wasn't focusing on all the negative things like him not being with me and stuff.

and as soon as he broke up with me all those things came crashing down and i was like what the hell i was on such a good groove!

so i know exactly what you mean when you say just when you think you know what you want

[vpavelock]

why is love so confusing!