Telling my parents about my LDR

[cartoonartist]

I have been in a relationship for 8 months with an 18 year old guy and I feel guilty for hiding it from my parents for so long.

Even bringing up the idea of having internet FRIENDS caused a huge argument that last for 3 hours. My mother and father were furious at the idea of having internet friends, and I can't see the reason why, my mother immediately said that I should stop whereas my father said, continue on as long as you don't give away key information like where I live and my phone number, and that he will never stop me from doing something I like.

Despite the support given to me by my father, one of the things my father had mentioned and stuck was that he too was in a relationship similar to mine when he was my age (15) and it was through the phone. It was a phone relationship for 4 months and it ended very badly. He was angry at the idea of an internet relationship too which made me very upset.

I love Donovan very much and everyone (my friends) can see that he deeply cares about me, but I'm afraid of the time when I mention this to my parents, they freak out and ban me from ever seeing him again and it is a harsh end especially when he has done nothing wrong.

I wish to tell them soon, but I figure the right time would be after my IGCSEs and when I receive my grades. I hope to prove to them that a LDR is not a distraction to my studies.

However, my fear is still there that my parents will ban me from seeing Donovan ever again and I love him with all my heart and will never ever want to see him hurt, especially if it is something I can prevent.

Please give me advice or some help. I have been losing sleep thinking about this...

[13000km]

I didn't see this thread...I wrote regarding telling the parents on your other thread. (:
You mentioned something very important here--the right time.
It IS key you find the right time to tell them. The parents might not trust you yet to make good judgement calls on people you meet over the internet. It may help to introduce your parents to him through skype so they can judge him (as a friend first?) for themselves.

[LadyMarchHare]

My mother was the same way for years. When we first got internet chat rooms were all the rage and I was barred from those because of the media hype of pedophiles roaming said chats looking for kids. She associated forums with chat rooms even though I explained the difference to her hundreds of times and any IMs I had (this was back in the days of AOL and its service of a "kid account" where all activity via AOL was e-mailed in detail to the parent account) were torn apart and I was constantly grounded. She was fine if I used the internet to talk to school friends but she was of the mind everyone on the internet that she hadn't seen for herself was a fake or really some old guy in nothing but a trenchcoat.

Ironically when I presented my relationship to her (ala whipping out a picture and saying "this is my boyfriend, he lives in Florida") she had no problem with it being via the internet, but she had problems with him elsewhere (read: he's black and I'm an 'innocent little white lily') so I got about a 20 minute earful and even after a year and a couple months she still doesn't like him. Luckily even though I live with her she has not tried to disconnect my internet, take away my phone, or any other means I have to contact him. But, I'm 21, I guess she realizes the futility of telling an adult what to do regardless of where they live and who pays what bill each month.

Parents are going to believe what they want to believe and if they think the internet's full of perverts and con artists, well, they're not that far from the truth but at the same time they need to be reminded that just as you're an every day person perusing the internet, others do that too and said people can bump into one another and start a conversation that won't lead to bad things happening. Start small, talk about this guy as though he were in the neighborhood or basically local. "Oh I met this guy, he's really cool and we both like x, x, and x. We get along real well." Build it up and somewhere in there eventually mention you guys talk via the internet. If they balk, offer to let them meet him/talk to him (warn him first and make sure he's alright with this, don't go "surprise here are my parents!") and just generally stand your ground if/when they still pitch a fit. It may take time, it may never happen, but don't expect immediate acceptance of him or your relationship in general. If they do something like disconnect your internet service or whatever else you use to contact him, there are ways around it if a friend is willing to let you use their computer or you guys could send letters to one another with yours being mailed somewhere else (or even a PO Box if you can afford one) that way your parents can't intercept the mail.

Respect their opinions (i.e. don't scream or throw a fit) but at the same time ask they respect yours and try to get to know him before they spit on his face.

[cartoonartist]

Um... ok but how do I bring it up or soften the blows? Any ideas? And I was thinking telling them they can talk to him as well. Like msn? Will that help?

[LadyMarchHare]

Well you either have the casual approach or the direct one, either way you can start out with "there's something I want to talk to you about, and it's not bad news." As for softening blows, just make sure you're not overloading them with a life story and keep mentioning positive points about your SO to reinforce that he's a genuinely good person. Any venue you think would be comfortable for both parties involved will do, though most try to get their parents to meet the SO over a webcam chat or over the phone. My mom personally chose the phone because she's not computer savvy and felt intimidated by dealing with a webcam or IM service and at the very least it got her to see he was real and for her to give him the atypical "you treat her right or I'm going to break your kneecaps" speech.

[cartoonartist]

Thank you for all your help, I just have one last thing though, speaking about it to my mother yesterday, lead to her mentioning for she thinks LDRs can't work or rather you don't know if that person on the other side is lying to you/this is all a hoax/he's trying to make you falling in love with him/he wants to take your money. How can I argue against that?

[13000km]

Don't argue against that. Slowly let her get to know the guy and see for herself that he's decent.

[LadyMarchHare]

Well, everyone lies so I can see her concern. However, if a person honestly wanted to lie to you, they wouldn't need to be some hundreds or thousands of miles away to do it and get away with it. There are people who lie with a straight face every day to people in their lives and no one knows the difference. So really you can't know for sure if they're lying, but it's the same with someone you could date locally, they could lie to you about the same things someone on the internet could, save for gender, race, looks, and a few other menial things that eventually get outted via pictures or webcam. As for the money thing, unless he is straight up telling you all the time he is poor, can't pay this bill or needs x amount for that or just flat out asks for money, he doesn't want your money. Men don't play games like that, if they want something they're gonna get it from you if they think you'll give it. It's the same with the issue of sex, if all they want is sex they wouldn't bother with someone online unless they were getting hookers off Craigslist, and even in person most guys these days if you don't put out and they WANT you to, they're gone faster than a fart in a windstorm.

Just because there is a screen and some miles between two people does not automatically mean one of them is a liar, a user, a serial killer, or anything else. All those misfortunes can happen in person, but because the internet is still new and wholly unexplored and is constantly changing that is what the media and people fear or say to fear more.

[LadyMarchHare]

Don't argue against that. Slowly let her get to know the guy and see for herself that he's decent.

Personally I'd rather maturely contradict someone on their ignorance and either debate with them over it or lay the facts bare for them to see rather than let ignorance fester until some later point in time or until they learn for themselves. It's genuine concern but a lot of the concern is based on media paranoia, hearsay, and straight up bullcrap.

[cartoonartist]

Is there any hints you can give to Don though, when he meets my parents? What can he do to get their approval or at least, think better of him? What are the things to do and the things not to do?

[LadyMarchHare]

Tell him to be polite. "Yes ma'am, no ma'am", that sort of stuff. If they make underhanded comments or seem to be looking for anything to scrutinize just tell him to be on his best behavior, act like a gentleman, and kill them with kindness, i.e. no matter how bad they act to him he needs to just smile and be kind in turn. As long as he's not being rude or making grabby hands at you or anything and shows respect I think he'll be fine. He can have a seizure about it when they leave the room.

[cartoonartist]

Grabby hands?

[LadyMarchHare]

Grabby hands as in constantly touching you whether inappropriately or not. Usually when you're meeting parents for the first time it's generally not a wise idea to do a lot of touching or "making eyes" at one another like you just want to be all over them. It makes for awkward moments and can lead to the wrong impression, that and it's kinda rude.

[cartoonartist]

Sorry to bring this all up again, but I'm freaking out. My exams are ending in about 2 weeks and I'm going to tell my parents about Don and I'm panicking so much it's giving me gastric. Any tips on HOW TO RELAX? D:

[LadyMarchHare]

You're probably freaking out because you're studying/preparing for exams along with more than likely overthinking the whole "When I tell my parents" thing. Do some stretches, get a lavender scented candle (lavender and chamomile are very good aromatherapy for relaxing), meditate, listen to calming music, jog, whatever you feel will get all the jitters out of you whether by relaxation or exhausting yourself physically.