Betrayed..

[Butterfly-x]

I've only posted here a few times, but id like people's opinions on this.
Today, i was reading through some of my bfs conversations with a male friend, and found some rather hurtful things. In the past, ive told him how much i appreciate keeping our relationship private, especially when it comes to our intimacy.
Now, i know that sex is something that comes up a lot in a boy-boy conversation and that boys will probably always tlk about what theyve done with their gf, but i thought he understood my concern, and respected it.
I guess not.. He was telling a freind of his that he visited me recently, but failed to refer to the good times we had together. Instead, he made it sound as if his sole purpose was to have sex with me.. and other things he said. Now, as much as i know thats not the case. We've been together for 1 yr and 3 months, been through tough times but have always found our way through.. it hurts to think he'd say that, and talk about us that way.
I'm so disappointed and hurt. Currently giving him a cold shoulder. I know most of you will tell me thats not the way to go, but what do you do when your bf talks about you like you were some whore? despite telling him on numerous occasions about the importance of keeping your relationship private.....

[Butterfly-x]

some responses would really be appreciated.... thnx..

[Gurl]

I started to reply as soon as I saw this thread earlier today, but decided not to as my response will likely just upset you. Though its not my intention to upset but to be honest in saying what I see and think. And be prepared..I am VERY BLUNT...but here ya go.

I think the true issue here is what in this world were you going through your boyfriends private conversations for???? That is wrong on so many levels....and you should know this. Even if he gave you his password, reading private conversations is just not cool...its called trust. and you obviously do not trust him since you were snooping through these convos. So, I am wondering why you are with someone you don't trust? Answer those two questions honestly and without sidestepping with excuses (sure you found something, but should you really have been reading what you were?? I think not.), and you might be able to make the relationship work.

If I were him though, you'd be out the door fast. I don't allow people to read my private conversations. There has to be a place where I can say and do what I want (without crossing cheating lines) and know it will be PRIVATE. It's healthy for the relationship...truely sharing every little thing is usually destructive.

[Butterfly-x]

@Gurl

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate your honesty.
Yes, we do have trust issues, something that we are working out. He has broken my trust, but i refuse to give up on our relationship. We discussed about ways to rebuild the trust and he suggested he'd be open about his conversations with others and let me see them if needed. So technically, i wasn't snooping, he showed me the conversation.

[Zephii]

The way I see it is, everyone has a couple of people they tell nearly everything too, and sex isn't off the list. As long as he wasn't refering to you in a derogitory way, is it bad for one or two of his friends to know you're good in the sack and to congratulate him on this fact?
Everyone has sex, it's not a big deal and it's nothing shamefull. As long as he isn't telling complete strangers, putting you in an awkward situation by bringing up private moments in your presence and his friend isn't trying to use the gossip in some way , then I don't think there's much to worry about.
But, if it's important to you, you need to talk about it with him yet again. Communication and compromise are the only ways you'll get anywhere.
Good luck

[Bluestars]

I sort of agree with Gurl, but besides the going through his personal conversations, I can understand why you would be upset. I certainly would be. However, I can understand that guys have a different perspective on these things and they often like to brag about sex. That does not mean that it is right, but your guy was probably trying to show off. Yes, he had a wonderful time when he visited, but he may not want to sound mushy gushy to his friend. Instead, he just talked about getting laid.

That being said, you should probably tell him why you are upset and ask him not to do it again. He should respect your feelings and apologize. If you feel that those things should not be discussed with friends, then he should not discuss them. You can let it slide once, but if it happens again, then you should tell him that there will be serious consequences.

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

I was wondering the same thing as Gurl. Why were you going through his private conversations. I don't agree with that. It's not like I do anything that I don't want the SO to find out about, but there are just some things that I expect to be private; I wouldn't want him reading my emails or texts so I would never do that to him. Did he give you his passwords? Did you sneak on, did he forget it signed on? And why did you read it? Trust issues? Curiosity? Explain why you read his stuff and how you accessed please.

That being said. I think he was just being a guy. Example, the last time the SO's best friend came in he had a new girl. I over heard him talking to the SO and it was basically guy talk, lots about the more intimate details of their relationship. Yet, when he talked about her to me it was totally different and he was a total sweetheart about her. I think it's just a guy thing, many guys aren't exactly comfortable with expressing all the mushy gushy emotional stuff so freely, that's just what they talk about/brag about. I've also heard exchanges btw the SO and his best friend and it's usually more in a joking manner when they talk about it. It's like boys will be boys, they never grow out of thinking farts and burps are hilarious. I can't say I've never bragged about some of the more intimate details to my friends either though. Not that I go into very detailed play-by-play descriptions, but sex comes up and when it does I can't help but brag on him.

Also cold shoulder is about the worst thing you can do. Sure you may need some time to cool down, but avoiding it will only make it worse. You need to admit to reading his conversations and let him know how they made you feel. You also need to give him time to explain himself and really listen and HEAR what he has to say. Like I said, I know I've heard the SO and his best friends convos (well at least half of it, both are in the army so most exchanges are phone calls) and I can tell when the best friend makes sexual comments. I know the guy so I know they are usually in a more joking manner, and the SO will of course respond with the dirtiest explanation he can.....they're just making conversation, joking around, goofing off. It doesn't bother me much because I know no matter what the SO loves me more than anything and has the utmost respect for me. Then again I'm not offended by a whole lot of anything and will usually joke around about it too.

I think you need to think about and address the issues of why you were reading through his stuff though. That just doesn't fly with me at all. If you feel like you needto; like there is some reason you have to....then you really need to sit and think about just what you expect in a relationship and what you expect from him as compared to what you are getting!

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

So while I was typing my reply the other replys happened...so he let you read them it wasn't like you were snooping. If you feel like you need to read them I think you have some serious thinking to do about what you're getting vs what you want/expect in a relationship. Its definitely important you explain exactly why you didn't like it and what you expect. If it was a good friend he may have thought he didn't fall into the "do not share our relationship with" category.

[folclor]

Okay, I agree with Gurl on the private conversation thing.

At the same time...if he's talking about you in a derogatory way, he's in the wrong as well. If it's not a close friend and it's someone who doesn't know you (I also don't know your bf so I don't know what his personality is) he might just be talking about sex and his friend might not want to hear anything about the relationship. If it's a close friend who knows you and would want to know about the relationship, then I'd be worried. Because, remember, guys and girls are different. Girls are going to sit down and ask about what? "Oh my gosh!! What did he get you? Where did he take you on your date? Oh, that's so sweet~!" Guys, as a general rule, don't want to hear about that. And some guys are different, granted. Some guys aren't going to tell their friends about their sex lives. Others won't tell about their relationships.

But you said he talked about you like you were a whore. If he objectifies you then you need to get out of the relationship. If that's just how he talks to his friend...you might just need to get over it. ^^;

[Gurl]

again... if the trust issues are that major... sounds like you are focusing on the wrong problem. He IS male... unless it was a random stranger OF COURSE he will talk about the sex..and depending on the age be all macho about it. There are VERY FEW males who don't brag when they get laid...For guys, its a huge deal and harder to achieve....or so I've heard. Again just my two cents worth.

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

I keep coming back to this hoping there has been some resolution for you. But I think there are too many factors that play in to really giving you our opinions. I mean why were you reading the emails. How much of an issue is this trust thing. What was he saying. Was it just normal guy talk or really derogatory. Was he just bragging about getting laid or was he really just objectifying you. Was it bragging or detailed play-by-play description. And to who. Was it a close friend or someone that might as well be a stranger.
Because this would strongly sway my opinion of get over it or set him straight.
Hope it all works out.

[Rach321]

I have wanted to reply too, but I feel there isn't enough information to really give advice.

If you feel you've made it clear that you don't want him to talk about these things with others, and he continues to do so, it isn't very respectful. I guess I've never asked my boyfriend what he shares about us, but I really can't imagine that he talks in any detail about it. If I found out that he did, I would probably feel uncomfortable about it and ask him not to. If he didn't listen and continued to do it, it would be a big problem for me.

But I also agree with others that reading private conversations is really bound to cause problems. You just don't understand the context or relationship the same way he does. Even if you have his password, it's not a good idea to use it. For me, it's a sign that the relationship is not healthy. I know my boyfriend's password, but I've never used it to read his emails. I just wouldn't feel comfortable with it because I trust him enough to be honest with me about everything. Even if there might be things in his account I don't know about, I wouldn't want my relationship to be any other way.

[William]

Just a guy point of view here:
You don't want to bore your guy friends with lame stories about how you held hands in the park. Although we enjoy doing such things, telling our friends about that is just Super lame. Every guy is guilty of telling a one-sided story; it's what their friends want to hear. I don't know just how juicy it was; it shouldn't be much more detailed then 'We finally did it (a few times); she's good' and maybe 'She into different positions and really enjoys it too', but certainly no details on which positions, how you perform, etc... I have never heard any of my friends talk about that, and we're all frat guys who get laid regularly (other than the 3 in relationships).
That having been said, I think other people have made it fairly clear by now that reading private things is a sure way to make you even more untrusting; you're sure to interpret everything in the wrong way and some things are better left private because of it. I'm sure girls have similar discussions about their boyfriends, except focusing on other things than sex. I wouldn't want to hear what she says about me to her friends; that would only cause arguments for no reason.

[Butterfly-x]

Hey guys.
Thanks for your responses. Ive spoken to my bf and although the issue isnt 100% resolved, i think we are getting there.
For some of you who are focusing on me reading his converation with his friend, let me stress that i never snooped or went behind his back. He willingly showed me the conversation. I know that doesnt reflect well on the amount of trust we have in each other, but like ive said, we have trust issues and we're trying to work them out. I may seem like an overly paranoid person, but that hasnt always been the case in our relationship. In the past, i trusted him completely. He never gave me any reasons to do otherwise. Even in moments when anxiety takes hold, being a naturally anxious person as i am, i still reminded myself that it was all me, and never him. Now, after he broke my trust (he didnt cheat on me) , i find it difficult to neglect my paranoia like ive done in the past. Again, i ll stress that im a naturally anxious and find it hard to trust ppl, and that nothing to do with him at all. Its just that the trust issue doesnt help at all. I dont know if any of you can understand... I know most of you will say, 'If you dont trust him, why are you with him?' Well to that question.. none of us are perfect.. if you have something special, its hard to let it go so easily. We have something special, and apart from this trusting issue ( which i believe we can work on and are working on), our relationship is amazing.

Secondly, what many of you have said about the 'guy talk' is right, and that i understand. I get the bragging thing, and i know its just nature. It's just that, being around guys.. i see how they talk about their gfs, and most of the time, more like a sex object than anything else even though in most cases, she means more to him than just an object for sex. Thats sth i never quite comprehended. ''If you love a girl, why would u talk about her like that? and if she heard you make sexual references about he in that wayr, how would she feel?'' Like i said, i discussed this with my bf, and he promised hed never go into such details. Not to say he did, its more the way he referred to me .. like his sex object tht lives on the other side of the world.
Ive told him how that made me feel, and he apologized, saying it was nothing but stupid guy talk (bragging, i guess).. though i find it sick.

anyway, im sorry for the big long rant. maybe after this, you guys wouldnt be so confused about the situation. or not o.O
once again, thanks for your contributions.
x

[Mio]

Don't give the cold shoulder, talk to him!