need some advice--think we're in a rut

[gr8shortandwise]

Hi--

I haven't really posted on here more than a few times before, but I've been feeling off about my relationship lately and I don't really know where else to go where I won't be judged.

My SO and I have been together 18 months, we were CD for the first 6, and are about 300 miles apart now. We see each other once a month or so, and are planning to close the distance in the next 8 to 12 months (he is moving to me). In a week and a half I'm leaving for Europe for four months to do field work (I'm a doctoral student), he's planning on visiting me there and we're going on vacation together. The preparation has been somewhat stressful--I don't speak the language yet (part of the reason I'm going is to learn) and don't have much idea what I'll be doing there as of yet.

We went on a short vacation to California together on my spring break, about two months ago. I was really stressed out--grad school and vacations don't mix well--and didn't enjoy it as much as I should have. Since we came back I've been noticing feelings of frustration, annoyance, impatience, etc. directed at my SO. I don't think that it is directed at him so much as at the situation. I really hate talking on the phone and that is the majority of our communication. I feel like I can never hear him properly and at the end of a 12-hour school-and-work-day (I have 3 jobs in addition to a PhD courseload) I'm exhausted and don't want to repeat myself every time I say something. We rarely Skype because the connection never seems to be good, and for the reasons just mentioned, I don't have much spare time between commuting, classes, hw, and jobs. I know LDRs don't fulfill all your emotional needs because your SO can't be with you, and I guess I've been feeling that more lately. I've also gotten resentful at some of the sacrifices we have to make--last summer I could not for the life of me find a job because I have a BA but was still a student, and it was extremely stressful, and I am still feeling the ramifications of not having made any money this summer. I didn't apply for several jobs because they required working weekends, which would have meant not seeing my SO at all. Right now I'm struggling with my class schedule for the fall, and potentially teaching, and working around visits. I guess I just am getting so impatient because I want him to be here and have an apartment and a job and have a life together, not a bunch of phone calls where we can't even hear the other person. Another issue that I'm afraid to mention to any of my friends is that I've started to become attracted to my closest male friend at school. Part of it, I think, is that he is just there. We have all our classes together and are close friends, and I spend more time hanging out with him than with my SO, obviously. I would never act on anything and I think it's just out of loneliness and envy (grad school means lots of married friends/people living with their SOs), but it really bothers me that I'm attracted to someone else, even a little bit.

On our last visit, despite my feeling like this, everything was absolutely fine--I loved being with him and things were wonderful as always (minus one crying jag by me due to school stress). He'll be here this weekend for our last visit before I leave, and I'm hoping things will be good again, but I'm worried that I'll start doubting things again while I'm away. I know that the next year til we close the distance will go by in due time, but if I'm doubting our relationship in between visits, what good does that do? Most people recommend keeping busy to take your mind off the downsides to an LDR. There's really no way I could get any busier unless I stopped sleeping.

Another concern I have is family-related...his family (extended and immedate) absolutely love me and are constantly pressuring him to propose. We're in our early 20s and have only been dating a year and a half, and we'd both like to wait until we're CD again. My family isn't so sure about him. They like what they hear about him from me, but he is incredibly shy and hasn't really bonded with my family, despite the fact that we both live at home so when we visit we spend lots of time with each other's families. My mother, who I'm very close with, thinks that he is too serious for someone so young and that he'll change his mind in ten years and regret settling down so fast. He's bonded more with my dad, they work in the same industry, but it still bothers me that my mother and two younger siblings aren't that crazy about him. I want my family to love him as much as his apparently loves me.

I guess maybe we're just hitting a rut or I'm having one of those weeks/months due to stress where you get really down about being in an LDR and focus on the downsides rather than the good things about your SO. So maybe this is more of a whiny post, and if it is, I'm sorry--I was just wondering if anyone had any recommendations for kind of keeping my chin up or working through things. I haven't mentioned to him that I've been feeling like this because I don't want to upset him or think that I want to break up, especially right before I leave. I really appreciate any suggestions anyone has, and thank you for reading this really long post!

[Mara]

I think the main problem in your relationship is the amount of stress you are under.

Stress can create problems in anyone's relationship because often when people are under stress they take that stress out on their significant others. My SO and I are both under a good amount of stress, but I have resolved not to take that stress out on him or our relationship or let the stress get to me to the point I am just overwhelmed. When I know I am upset about something that has no relation to him or I am just not in a mood to talk- I don't force myself to. I find making yourself do something you don't want to do (i.e. talking on the phone when you hate it) only adds to the problem.

I'm not much a phone person either actually. Most of the conversations between my SO and I are through email, text, etc because neither of us care for talking on the phone. We do talk on the phone, at times, but only when we miss the sound of each other voices or when we have something important to say, but even those conversations aren't held for long. It's just not a good form of communication for us.

As for your family, I think they will like him more as they come to know him. You said yourself he's shy and they haven't really bonded with him. I think on that front, give it time.

It sounds very much like you need a breather though from all this stress.

[Joyce:)]

you say it yourself: you are stress, and i'd be surprised if you weren't.
i am amazed by the amount of things you have going on, and by the fact that you can still have a relationship.

about the male friend attraction thing.. last summer, at my cousin's wedding, there was this young and modern pastor, who gave the truest speech ever: it's not that when you are committed all the other people in the world stop being handsome and beautiful and attractive. you are going to have crushes on people now, and you will in 30 years, the point is distinguishing what is simple temptation from what means the world to you (your SO), and not making a big deal out of the crush, or this whole little tiny issue will seem important to you, and you will start believing that it's bigger that what it is. so relax, don't sweat about it, enjoy his presence if it relieves stress and don't feel guilty, because little crushes can happen even when you are married. the whole point is just to keep things in prospective.

i'm sure your mum and siblings will come around, don't worry, he just needs time to be less shy.

and don't worry, things will get better, i bet it's just a bad time for you.

best of luck, and once again, i think it's amazing how many things you have going on

oh, and where in europe are you going?

[Karringtyn]

Stress. I live it every day.

I made myself SO busy that I would be able to deal with the LD part of our relationship. Job, kids, life...and then added tons of extra responsibilities.

Ask yourself this.

What do you get out of your relationship? What is the payoff?

You also mentioned you have only been dating a year and a half when you were speaking of engagement. What is your timeline? How long do you think you should be dating?

[gr8shortandwise]

@ Mara--oh yes, I definitely do need a breather, but there's no such thing in grad school. I'm hoping once I settle in to life in Germany that that can be more relaxing. We also won't be able to use the phone while I'm there so that may be more relaxing for me.

@Joyce--thank you, that makes me feel a lot better :-) I'll be in southwestern Germany this summer.

@Karringtyn--we've discussed engagement on our own, independently of his family bugging him, and I told him I wanted to be together at least two years, preferably a little longer, and be CD again for several months so we can adjust to being in the same place again--as you can see, I've created quite a busy life without him and I know that fitting him back in will be a challenge at first. He agreed, and added the criterion that he wanted to have enough saved to not have to finance an engagement ring (we just graduated from college a year ago). Our 2-year anniversary is October, and I really doubt we'll have closed the distance before then, as he is going to start looking for a job this summer but we all know that's not easy right now. I'd guess he'll be here by next winter at the earliest and then we wouldn't be engaged for at least another 4-6 months from there, which sounds fine to me...we're young and not in a rush. I have several years left of school and don't want to move in with him until we're engaged because he'd be supporting me--I have no funding right now and my jobs (grading and tutoring) make enough to cover incidental costs but nothing else.

[GatoGirl]

Hi, Gr8,
I agree--it sounds like there's so much stress that it's affecting everything. I'm a doc student too, and I get that! My stress was so high the last visit, that it was just horrible. I was so cranky in spite of my best efforts. I think you said it when you commented that it is more about the situation than your LDR.