I want to sabotage my soon-to-be LDR.

[Snap]

I've been dating my bf close to 6 months now. For the first 5 months or so, things were fantastic. We are so compatible, enjoy many of the same things, same life goals and values, same backgrounds, really attracted to each other, etc. It just works. A month ago, however, I found out that I will have to move 200 miles away for work. I've been internally devastated since then. My bf and I discussed it a while back and we've agreed to take one day at a time and see what happens when I move. But I just have this ****ty feeling that things are going to end horribly. All of his past relationships ended because they were LDR and they never got to visit each other. My gut feeling is telling me that:
1) right before I move away he's going to dump me. Or
2) He won't want to visit me and will fade away gradually

No, he hasn't given me any explicit evidence that he'll do either of those two things but my gut feeling should be good enough. Now I just want to push him away.

It's weird though because I vacillate between wanting to act like a jerk around him to push him away but other times I want to be so clingy because I don't want him to leave me. I don't know why I'm doing this. I feel like I love him so much that I need to push him away. Maybe I'm scared about being hurt?

I don't know...I need advice. If more details are needed let me know.

Thanks in advance...really, I appreciate it.

[LadyMarchHare]

In cases like these, "gut feelings" aren't ever good enough. Gut feelings translate to the word "assumption" and, as I was told once, assuming makes an ASS out of U and ME. i.e. it's a bad thing.

If you are afraid of him leaving you before you go, I would seriously talk to him, mention you know his track record with LDRs and you want to, in all honesty, make it work. Talk with him about planning things you guys could do, how you guys will communicate, who would be able to visit who (speculation, you don't have to solidify that yet), and just other things that might help put more positivity not only in you, but in your relationship regarding the move. Take things slowly but at the same time be determined to communicate and not shut down or push each other away because things get difficult.

The mindset of pushing others away for either your own good or their own good is actually more destructive than helpful. If you guys can maintain a relationship after you move, you'll miss him but know that he's with you. If you leave him for this reason, you'll miss him and not be able to hold on to the positive nugget of wisdom that he is with you. It's like shooting yourself in both feet just to have matching wounds, I guess, in that it's pointless and hurts more than just one wound.

[vpavelock]

Personally, I spent a lot of time starting fights because I was in fear of my relationship inevitably becoming LD when we went to college. For one, I didn't fully appreciate the time we WERE together 2, I tried convincing myself he didn't love me enough and didn't want to just be with me for the rest of his life, meanwhile he truly did want it, 3 I drove myself crazy thinking he was going to cheat on me because I wasn't enough, and cheated on him to "beat him to it". In a few words, I was horrible. We do a lot of stupid things out of fear of being hurt, but sometimes we have to let down our guard a little and maybe we'll be surprised at what the other person has to offer us.

[Alexandria Lora]

LadyMarchHare and vpavelock said it perfectly!... listen to them yes!!!

Don't let your fear of the unknown chase away what could be a love of a lifetime... that is a blessing you want to hold..

[Mara]

Sounds more like insecurity than your gut.

I dated my SO for a year before we went long distance again. I have to say I had all types of crazy thoughts and feelings. My favorites being; I'd never see him again, he was going to cheat on me, etc etc. Those things were running through my mind almost 9 months ago now. Yeah, none of that stuff happened.

Once I stopped being scared, starting trusting in our relationship, and trusting in our ability to make things work I could see how irrational I was being. Don't let the distance intimidate you or make you feel insecure. It's amazing what two people who love each other can and will overcome for the sake of that love.

[Snap]

Part of the problem is that I agreed to talk about what we're going to do (if we're going to stay together, visits, etc) once it's closer to the time that I leave. He's also extremely busy with school and I don't want to burden him with making big decisions. I don't even know if I'm in the right mind frame to make big decisions. Also, even if he were to reassure me right now, a week later I will be worrying if he's changed his mind. That's how my mind works.

I'm already mentally making a list of his female friends that will replace me when I leave. He has lots so it doesn't require a stretch of imagination.

I'm angry, feel miserable, and sick of crying. My bad mood is really trying to prevent me from acting normal around him.

[LadyMarchHare]

Maybe you should try to squeeze in time with a therapist or counselor before the move and resume with another once you have moved? Because it sounds like you're a touched paranoid in terms of trust in your guy and it also shows you have some self-esteem issues. If the guy honestly wanted one of his female friends more than you I can guarantee he wouldn't wait until you're several hundred miles away to be with her. Has he at any point in time given you reason not to trust him, such as lying about a big issue, any form of cheating, stuff like that? If he hasn't, really all you've got is whatever your mind makes up and I know first hand how cruel the mind can be. But I honestly think a step towards seeing a therapist (even if you wait until you move) might be a good idea. You get someone to talk to, who will give you mostly unbiased advice, and who will keep confidentiality about your problems. Your guy won't have to know you're seeing one if you don't want him to, nor does anyone else, it's your business.

[Majo Grajeda]

Have you talked to him about your feelings? Not just a little, but exactly the way you feel? Your worries & what you fear the most? There's no way he can know what youre feeling & understand you if you're not open & honest to him. I don't think it's fair either that you just push him away, if he's with you, it is 'cause he loves you & 'cause he wants to be with you.

The best way to overcome any problem is to talk about it. You need to talk to him. You need to tell him exactly what you posted up there. If he loves you he'll understand & if it's hard for you to actually say it, you could write him an email. I know it sounds hard to tell him everything, but keeping it all to yourself is autodestructive & will at the end up hurting you & him even more.

If you need anything I'm here<3
& if you need to talk, you can add me on skype; majograjeda
I know how that feels & the worst you can do is to bottle up your feelings, even if it's real hard to say them outloud