Giving up on the long distance thing!

[tinkabelle]

My flight left 15 mins ago, however, I'm not on it. My bf informed me yesterday that he had a mandatory event to attend tonite (we're both involved in the motorcycle world). I understand that we both at times have events to attend but I feel like I should come 1st ocassionally. I've been crying since yesterday & have decided to end it with him. He said he was upset but I really couldn't tell that he was. So I'm back to being miserable & wondering what's wrong with me & why I can't seem to have the kind of relationship I want.

Thanks for letting me vent!

[snow_girl]

How long were you planning to visit him? Could you have not still gone and hung out with him the other days? Anyway I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. Wish you all the best the future.

[LadyMarchHare]

If you planned to be over there more than one day I think he could have spent time with you and you could have gone the one day without him if the event was mandatory. I realize it's hard when stuff like that is put before you, especially when there was a planned visit, but just throwing in the towel doesn't solve anything.

[Rosebud]

I'm sorry to hear this but since we don't have much information to goon it's difficult to give much advice You said it's a mandatory event and that implies to me that...well, it's mandatory, he really had no choice in the matter and I don't think you should see it as him choosing it over you. If you were only able to spend a short amount of time with him I can understand how that would have been hurtful as he'd be gone, but I don't think you should end it with him over this! Talk with him, tell him how you're feeling if you don't feel you're recieving enough attention and see how he reacts. It sounds like there was nothing he could do about the event so don't place all the blame on him. See if it can't be discussed first. Good luck!

[13000km]

This situation can be tough, feeling like he chose something over you. Whether it was really his choice or not, think hard about giving up.
I have been tempted to give up on one or two occasions because I wasn't happy with the dynamics of my relationship, but had to force myself to remember that if I did give up, I would not have a relationship at all with this amazing man. A relationship that requires a lot of effort is better than no relationship at all with him, and the LD part of it isn't going to last forever.

If we can all just push past one obstacle at a time, we'll make it. All the best.

[tinkabelle]

I was only going to be there one day since it will be my last weekend off for 6 months. It had been planned for a couple of weeks, however, the event wasn't made mandatory til Thursday. Right now, he's upset with me because I've been snapping at him since yesterday. He said I've been going at him like I want to push him away but its not like that. I want him to understand how upset & hurt I am. He got really mad when I texted him that he was like the other men in my past that put me last. I just think he could have blown his motorcycle family off this 1 time for me.

[LadyMarchHare]

I was only going to be there one day since it will be my last weekend off for 6 months. It had been planned for a couple of weeks, however, the event wasn't made mandatory til Thursday. Right now, he's upset with me because I've been snapping at him since yesterday. He said I've been going at him like I want to push him away but its not like that. I want him to understand how upset & hurt I am. He got really mad when I texted him that he was like the other men in my past that put me last. I just think he could have blown his motorcycle family off this 1 time for me.

Well to be fair you're only able to see things from your side and what you know right now is that you're angry, you're feeling neglected, and you want him to understand that. All he knows is you're angry that he had to go to this thing and now you've made the uncalled for comparison between him and your exes. Even in anger, never ever bring up past relationships especially if they were bad ones. No one likes hearing "you're just like x" especially if they know that person treated you badly or was a general asshole.

On one hand yes it would have been nice if he could have ignored the sudden change to "must come, no excuses" just to have one day with you, but at the same time I'm still not seeing the logic that one incident of neglect justifies throwing him into the middle of the ocean, proverbially. If he has a history of shirking you for other things when you've made solid plans beforehand then yeah maybe if you can't talk it out, but just once is pretty much overreacting and that's what I think is going on right now. You're overreacting because you're upset and what you need to do is find some way to chill out and think straight before you contact him again about this to talk about how you feel.

Though, y'know, I personally don't see the point in spending good money on a plane ticket for a one-day visit but that's merely my point of view since I don't personally have a lot of money.

[Mara]

Snapping at him isn't going to make him understand how upset and hurt you are, it's only going to add insult to injury. I know right now you are understandably upset, but don't you think your SO is upset as well? I'm sure he would have much rather seen you than go to some mandatory meeting. Did the two of you discuss at all whether or not he would be able to get out of going to the meeting or whether the two of you could still spend some time together after or before his meeting? Surely, it wasn't going to be an all day meeting.

I do think you need to communicate your feelings to your SO, but snapping at him isn't going to get that done. Explain to him that you feel hurt and why you feel hurt. I do think some of this isn't just about the fact that he went to this meeting either, but it sounds as if you have issues from your past relationships that you haven't dealt with. I'm taking that from where you should he was like the other men in your past that put you last. The men in the past that hurt you or disappointed you should be the farthest thing from your mind! This is a new relationship, a different guy, and I'm sure a completely unique situation.

I also wouldn't end things with him because of this, but you have to do what's right for you. This situation could have been handled better on both parts, but I just don't think it's worth breaking up over.

[tinkabelle]

Maybe I did overreact. But I feel that since he sees them daily & we only get together every couple of months that I should be more important. However, I do understand how things are in the club world & sometimes that has to take precedence. I'm not gonna contact him for a couple of days or a week to give us both time to cool off. I'll try to talk to him then but I'm really bummed that we won't be able to get together for 6 months. I'm trying not to blame him for that but right now its hard not to.

[LadyMarchHare]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be important to him, but if his life and passion is grounded in this stuff you're pretty much fighting a losing battle there. You knew what he did when you got together with him, or you learned after, so it's natural you'd come to expect stuff like this to happen. I'm not saying it's fair but people have their priorities and if he felt he needed to be there then there was nothing you could've said to get him to not go.

Personally if you're going to take a break from contacting him, I would tell him because if you two have any sort of regular contact, a few days or a week with nothing might add to the problem more than help it even if you mean for it to be time to take a time out.

[vpavelock]

Maybe I did overreact. But I feel that since he sees them daily & we only get together every couple of months that I should be more important. However, I do understand how things are in the club world & sometimes that has to take precedence. I'm not gonna contact him for a couple of days or a week to give us both time to cool off. I'll try to talk to him then but I'm really bummed that we won't be able to get together for 6 months. I'm trying not to blame him for that but right now its hard not to.

I don't think you overreacted, for weeks this visit has been what you were looking forward-- what kept you going, and he needs to see that you want to be a priority. I do think you two can probably fix your problems if you are open minded, but you have every reason to be upset.

[tinkabelle]

Update: I received a text this morning from him stating that his bike was stolen last nite & he was pissed off about. I replied sorry for your loss & left it at that. I don't know what he expected from me so I kept it simple.