Extremely hurt and trying to get through it.... DESPERATELY need some advice. PLEASE.

[brittany2022]

This may be long, I apologize in advance but PLEASE PLEASE just take some time to read this and help me out here, I am asking for ANY advice possible. I am going through an incredibly hard time right now.

So my SO (I am 22, him 21) and I have been dating for a year on April 9th (Not all, but more than half of our relationship has been long distance).

I went out to visit him April 13-17th and all was WONDERFUL. I return back and the following day he tells me he has something to tell me. Well, he told me that there was a couple instances out there (he's out in NJ for an internship) that girls had tried to kiss him. After further conversation 2 turns to 4 that turned to 5 that turned to some girls on multiple occasions (almost every weekend at the bar/drinking). He also confessed to me that he danced with other girls, held hands with other girls, kissed another girls neck, had girls texting him to go to bed with him, etc. However, the catch is that every time someone went in for a kiss he ALWAYS backed off and "technically" never cheated because he KNEW it was cheating and "would never do that". He knew what he was doing was wrong but he some how made his mind believe that even though he always put himself in these positions and knew they were inappropriate, he knew that he would always stop it from going further.

However, I can't get over that I feel like all of that WAS cheating. All of this was alcohol related. And during this entire time of me not trusting the girls he hung out with (and me expressing how I felt) he always reassured me that these girls knew he had a girlfriend and he would never do anything - not to worry.

Another thing is that he is sincerely disgusted with himself and absolutely sorry for everything he has done to me and hates himself for hurting me incredibly much.He actually flew home this weekend because of how much it affected him. He said he'll do anything and WANTS to do anything to keep us together and that our relationship is worth all the time and struggles to get back to where we were.

Now here is where I need advice with. HOW DO YOU FORGIVE SOMEONE FOR THIS? I understand he's trying to be honest with me and make things right and "technically" never cheated and WANTS TO DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD TO KEEP US TOGETHER. And even after this all I am still ridiculously in love with him. but I am SO SO hurt. My heart just aches. My problem is I WANT this to work out because I have never loved someone so much (what my heart is telling me) but how do you get your mind to see past his mistakes and the images he's created in my head (which is constantly replaying over and over). I still don't see myself with another man ever (we've talked about marriage multiple times) but is this only because I love him so much? I am honestly so confused and have never been in such a mind game in my entire life. I go from being okay and trying to get past this to thinking I will NEVER be able to see past this. All this only happened Monday night so it's still new....

So my question is has anyone ever been cheated on and succeeded to forgive? And during this process of healing was there any significant doubts that you couldn't get over it even though you loved your significant other SO much. I want to get over this but don't know if I can see past all of this. I know the decision is ultimately up to me but any advice from those who have been cheated on before would be great. Please be positive if you can since I am EXTREMELY negative and upset with all of this.

But honestly, ANY advice would be helpful. Thank you so much for taking your time to help me out. I can't express to you how much that means to me....

Also, he is willing to make some major changes to make this work. I have also told him that through this all if marriage isn't in your mind for the future then STOP THIS NOW, that I am not going to try to mend something thats not going to last...but he continues to express to me how much I mean to him.

Thank you guys again...

[Rach321]

I think the key for you is to really convince yourself that he has been faithful to you, even if he's putting himself in situations that may test that faithfulness. In the end, he is being honest with you. And it can be hard when alcohol is involved.

Definitely, the relationship can be saved. Really, it's up to you to work through it and figure out what you need to feel you can trust him. This isn't easy, and it does take time, so you'll both need to be patient.

Decide what would help you to feel more comfortable. Does he need to call you more often? Does he need to limit his drinking? (this might not be something he's willing to do, but perhaps you can negotiate some). Maybe he needs to tell you more about the girls he hangs out with. That can help you to not fret about what's going on, and it can also help to keep him accountable for his actions.

Best wishes to you! I'm sorry that you're going through this. I know it's hard.

[vpavelock]

I have to say that cheating can have such a huge impact on a relationship, even so minor as what he's done. But cheating does not always mean a person wants something more or something new, cheating can derive from multiple different things. In my relationship, I have been the one to do the cheating. Why? Because I get myself in really crappy scenario with really forceful men, but I can assure you my love for my SO is beyond words. Therefore the cheating isn't for a lack of love or anything like that, it just happened somehow and I really hate that I put him through that. In my opinion, before you completely take him back you should tell him that things need to change, and hopefully you will start seeing the changed. See if you can tell if this changes will be long lasting. Evaluate, through your intuition, does he have purely good intentions ad the true desire to change.

Forgiveness really begins with 1) trying to understand why he did what he did 2) communicating with him and making sure he knows that you need more reassurance after knowing that he's cheated and 3) come to accept that if he told you everything, all he thinks about is probably you and as soon as he regained perception, he was probably thinking, "what i just did could hurt her, i would never want to do that.

I hope you can find it within you to forgive him and try to move forward. I think you guys can work through this!

[kiara_silver]

This is entirely up to you, weather you can truly forgive him. If you can't fully get over it then idk, I personally had a chaotic childhood because of cheating. I won't give to much details but my mom and dad had a issue like this. It happened so long ago, years before some of my siblings were born, and even tho it only happened once, there was never full forgivness, and to this day still hurts. Always picturing it and being tormented, they love each other to death but its caused alot of issues. So i think its up to you, i think it can work out if you want it to. but i also was know its hard to have that trust once its been broken. I was i guess you can say cheated on? it was a accident, but he put himself in that position so in a way he let it happen, and having seeing what holding onto hurt has done to my parents i knew if i wanted to keep my relationship i needed to fully forgive him. And since then we have remained strong. I love him and am glad i forgave him and moved on. Don't rush this if your unsure. give yourself time to think, if he really is sincere, and you believe he means it, and won't hurt you again. I would then work on forgiving him and moving forward, but you know him best. I am sorry if im not giving the best advice, i pray things will work out for you too. I am sorry you have to go through this.

[MadMolly]

My boyfriend has cheated on me (if you consider that kind of thing cheating, he never went for more than a kiss, which is piddlesticks to me anyway), and I forgave. He has some brain problems which contributed to it but that's not why I forgave. Sometimes you just have to give them a chance if they are truly sorry and if they fuck up again, then you walk away. Hormones are a pretty hard thing to resist sometimes and I understand that. Nothing more than hormones and alcohol and impulse behaviour.

[MrsExPrez]

To be quite honest with you dear, I don't believe a word he has said. There is a reason more and more kept coming out. I bet you there is much more to it than what he has told you. I am not trying to be negative, but I don't believe his apologies and his confessions were for you. It almost sounds like they were to rid him of his guilty conscious. If he tells you it was all of the girls' faults, every single time, that lets him admit something wrong happened, without him being the one to blame. Kinda fishy.

However, I can completely understand wanting to forgive him and make it work in spite of all of the hardships. As everyone can see from my blogs, I got back together with my SO after he called me a nasty name, after he pulled a disappearing act for two weeks, etc. etc. You are the only one who truly knows how you feel, and you are also the only one that knows your relationship with him, and what it is made out of.

It really does sound like you will get back together, I can sense your longing for it. So my advice is just to take care of your heart, and take your time developing your trust in him again. And if this happens again, then I think at that point you know where to go..

[Semperfikindoflove]

I have a lot of advice for you from my previous relationship.

My best friend and my ex fiance are Marines. I dated my ex fiance after my best friend had broken my heart. My ex fiance and I were planning on getting married after he returned from a seven month deployment to Afghanistan. It was about four weeks before deployment when my ex and I got into a huge fight. He went out one night and got really drunk. He had called me and I told him not to leave me right now, let us work through it but his friends were pushing him to come with them. So he hung up on me and left. My best friend stayed on the phone with me all night because I was crying and stressed out. I trusted that my ex wouldn't do anything to hurt me, we were engaged I thought everything would be just fine. My best friend found out half way through the night that my ex had slept with one of his relatives who was staying near base for the week. When my ex got back, my best friend told him that if he didn't tell me what he did, that my best friend was going to tell me. I got a call at about 6 am. I found out that he had slept with someone. I sobbed, I was angry. He seemed so cold and distant. My ex went to physical training and came back, he was sobbing when he called me, saying he was so sorry that he hurt me and that he loved me.

I couldn't believe what was happening, we were so close to deployment and I was supposed to see him in a week and a half. I had a choice to make, it was forgive him and move on because deployment was so close or not forgive him and let him go on deployment feeling alone and like he had nothing to lose. I made the choice to forgive him and it was the best choice I ever made. It helped us to make it through deployment for a while, we had realized that we were no longer in love the way that we use to be so the relationship was ended. But it's so much better to forgive and forget then it is to hold onto the grudges and hurt from it every day.

I know it's hard but give it time. If you need anything please feel free to message me!

[DollOnAMusicBox]

I've been there. My boyfriend kissed the same girl, on multiple occasions, with alcohol involved. There was a huge amount of pressure from everyone around him to be with her since she was CD and I was LD. She knew about me, even spoke to me, and still pursued him. Like I said, alcohol was involved in most of the incidents. He came clean after about a month of it. It really hurt me. I still remember telling him for days that I hated him. He was on edge for a month not knowing if I'd stay with him. It was the worst thing I've ever felt. I felt like I wasn't good enough, I felt like I'd never be good enough as long as we were LD. It was a blow to my own confidence, my trust in him, and my faith in our relationship. But I still remember, even the night he told me and I logged off crying till 4AM...I was still concerned with what HE was feeling. I was upset with myself for caring that much about someone who'd just totally betrayed me. There was a lot of talking, yelling, and ignoring while we were on that roller coaster. Its been just over a year, and we're happy again. There's still times I feel like I'm not good enough. There's still times we have to talk about it. But we're together, and we are happy. I have forgiven him, and he's regained a lot of trust.

The advice I would give you has already been given. Be clear to him that things have to change. Whether its the drinking, or distancing himself from these girls by not texting them, or whatever you feel is fair to ask in your situation. Be very clear with him how you feel; write letters, emails, texts or whatever you need to do so he knows how you're feeling. Don't be afraid to ask him questions, either. I know that there's sometimes a sense of shame and you feel like you don't want to know, or that you shouldn't be asking about it. Ask. If he's willing to help you through this, then there shouldn't be any shame, and there shouldn't be any question that goes too far.

Good luck and be strong.

[Amber]

First of all...being in a relationship with someone means that other person is your special person. So you get to hold their hand, kiss their neck and send them sensual text messages. I understand that he feels bad for doing these types of things with girls, but he is still a guy. They do tend to go further then you really think they did. I say this because he took the time to fly all the way home to make sure everything was okay with you.

If he wants to make it up to you then make him do it. Test him on this. Make him call you at certain places and make sure you know who is with him and if he questions it then remind him of the promise that he made with you and explain to him that he broke the number one rule in a long distance relationship: TRUST!...So really out some rules on him since he is away in NJ.

In my rule book...you cheat and you are more likely to cheat again. I have been cheated on by EVERY guy before my boyfriend now and I tended to stick around and they did not work out. yes at the time I thought that I loved that person so much that nothing could bring us apart but I had so much resentment and hurt inside and that vision of him with other girls always in my head. or if he was out then he was sure enough cheating again. And sure enough, they were.

Im now with a great guy and you know for sure when things are different when you receive the love of your life. He treats me like no guys has in my life! I wish this upon you. There is room for forgiveness. And you can forgive him and give your boyfriend another chance, but just be careful with you heart and make sure that you dont wear it on the outside of your chest. It always hurts the second time around too.

Wish you the best and if you are confused by anything that I say, just let me know!

[jenny_ell]

I think that if these type of things are happening when he goes out, why is he still going out?

My SO goes out with the same friends usually every weekend to a few bars in town. I have questioned him sometimes and have had conversations with him about me being worried when he goes out. He has assured me I can trust him and nothing is happening, and trust me, I am a Facebook/text message creep and I have yet to find anything questionable. I completely trust him. The reason I sometimes feel the need to reassure myself is because I often see women(or even men) who completely tell themselves their SO isn't cheating....come to find out he/she is. So I don't like to be completely oblivious and I need that reassurance sometimes.

The thing is, if this was happening to your guy, why is he still going out? You would think the first time this happened, he would think he should calm down and stay in or something. Also usually, girls don't just jump at guys, sometimes they do....but the guy usually has to be showing some sort of interest or coming off as obtainable or something...

thats just my opinion. I'm really sorry about your situation. It might be better to try to be more observant. Even if it means looking at his FB or texts. (We all have done it!) it is better to find out something yourself because most of the time he won't tell the whole story. Guys can be oblivious too and usually won't realize you are creepin' if you do it well.

Also, that he did not technically "cheat" what do you think of guys you see dancing/flirting/being with girls at a club yet come to find out the guys have a girlfriend? And then you think of the poor girlfriend, she does not deserve that!! Does that make him look like a nice guy? Not really....

Do I think you should forgive? Yes, but don't let your guard down and if it happens again....well thats your decision

I'm sorry if it sounded harsh. Good luck and update us please!

[nicole]

Sorry but this sounds a bit off to me. If this kept happening, a) why didn't he tell you right of the bat b) why did he keep going to the same place?

It IS possible to go out drinking and being social without these incidences occurring believe me, I've gone out partying, I hang out and dance with my friends and go home- I drink too, yet I still manage to not dance and flirt with members of the opposite sex. Why would he give these girls his number? Obviously if you meet a girl in a bar, more often then not, if you exchange numbers, it insinuates something which is far from innocent.

He might blame these girls for this, but he is far from innocent- he actively put himself in those situations. No one forced him to dance with them, no one forced him to give them his number; those were all his decisions.

It may not be "technically" cheating, but that sort of behavior is a huge red flag IMO, and can lead to cheating. It's up to you whether you want to forgive him or not. If you do, I think some ground rules need to be layed down. Like not exchanging numbers with girls at bars for example, or dancing with them. It's not right to ban him from going out and socializing, but I think it IS acceptable to ask him to take measures against putting himself in those situations, out of respect for you and your relationship.

Good luck with this, it's an incredibly hard situation for you to be in, I am sorry

[brittany2022]

Hey, guys! Thank you everyone for giving me honest and blunt advice about this. It has been far from easy to deal with this, but I seem to be managing it (along with college finals and tons of papers ha).

I have decided to try to forgive him and get past this. I can tell that he is extremely sincere about everything he says and that when he says he WANTS to change it's because he truly does and regrets everything that has happend. I have definitely set some ground rules which he told me he already planned on doing them if I had or haven't told him.

I want to hit on some key points from some the posts:

I definitely think the relationship can be saved but with LOTS of time, patience, reassurance and communication. I want this to work, but I can honestly say to you guys that even if I love him so incredibly much, it wouldn't be fair to myself to continue this if come 2 months from now I'm still having issues with this and can't get past this. It wouldn't be healthy for him nor I and I REFUSE to be in a relationship that I am always wondering or have to be controlling.

One of you hit on to understand WHY he cheated and then proceeded to say when they cheated it wasn't an emotional thing at all that you loved him incredibly a lot. I understand that but still it just SUCKS. However, it makes more sense to me thinking of it that way bc in our case, I think that hits it on the dot.

Someone mentioned that they had a chaotic childhood because of cheating and all needs to be forgiven in order for this to work out. Like I mentioned before, I dont want to have a relationship we're I'm married and my husbands working late and I am wondering HMMM what's he doing....I think this will come to be much sooner though so I would be able to get out of it before I married him. Like I said, if I can't get past this come 2-3 months, I have to let go.

It was also mentioned that maybe this was him simply trying to rid his guilty conscious and THATS IT. That definitely made me think A LOT and raised some red flag. I confronted him RIGHT away after reading the post and his response that "yes, I needed to tell you because I felt incredibly guilty about this all but it wasn't for me, it was to be honest with you. Something that I should have done lot ago and to make things right. If I wanted to simply rid my guilty conscious I would have told you and then broke up with you. Not having to deal with your hurt and trust issues would be a lot easier but that's not what I want. I love you and want to be with you and work this out however long it takes".... I think his response made sense and cleared that wondering of WHY he was doing this. Thank you for bringing that questions up, though!

A lot of you say that you think he may have gone further then he says. Out of all of this, I can honestly say I do NOT think he did. I don't have a lot of trust for him right now, but when he says that I know he's sincere about this. He has even told him mother about everything that has happened (big mama's boy) so I really know he's sincere about this all.

I will be sure to NOT forgive to soon (if I even can completely forgive him) and make sure my guards are up and the "rules" and boundaries we make don't get blown off come 2 weeks from now...which again, with how bad he feels and is willing to change I dont think they are.

Lastly, some of you have asked if he knew these things were happening then why would he still go out or WHY did he get these girls numbers. I am not making up any excuses for his behavior and CERTAINLY wont be in the future but this is the reasoning: He is currently at an internship that there are 3 boys (including him) and 10 girls that live close by each other. Obviously since they all work with each other numbers will be exchanged and hanging out will happen very often. HOWEVER, although I felt bad for him and understood that he's in a foreign place with mainly girls I told him that that reasoning will no longer be accepted that he's ruined any sympathy for himself that i had about that and he understand completely and know he brought that upon himself and agrees with my completely. Again, WHY did he keep hanging out with these girls when he knew they were trouble was BEYOND me. He's reassured me that the will NOT converse, hangout, talk to, etc any of the girls for the rest of his internship and he doesn't even want to drink which I think is appropriate seeing as what this is all caused by.

He moves from NJ to chicago May 20th. It's only a 4 hours drive from where I live to him so we plan on making sure we drive to each other every other weekend and take turns because this is what we need. Even there he said he's going to be more aware of the people he associates himself the positions he's in. I think he just thought it was okay because he knew in the back of his mind he would never "cheat-cheat" on me...and he admits that is the furthest from the truth and doesn't understand how he let this all happen. He's honestly hating himself right now. I am not trying act like what he did wasn't bad because it's HORRIBLE but he's really having a hard time with what he did....and he SHOULD but I can honestly say that i know he's sincere about this all.

I have made sure to mention on multiple occasions that if you still don't see marriage or a future (yes, things can still happen just like we've always said...) then DONT DO THIS. There is no reason to try to mend something that's not going to last and he keeps telling me that he wants more then anything to make this work and get past this.

I know this is now apart of our relationship its all about the ability to forgive and forget and move on from this. He knows that I am still up in the air with this and I might NOT be able to forgive him but he's willing to go through this.

Anyways, I think I've rambled on enough. If there are any other concerns or advice anyone wants to give me PLEASE don't hesitate!

I hope everyone's doing well and that no one has to deal with this in the future! GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE!!!!

[nicole]

Best of luck to you Just take things slow ok? work through it day by day with him, and hopefully you'll both be back on track in no time!

[shelski91]

i'll tell you a story about when me and my SO were not yet LD .
he can be very hot headed and can say things he didn't mean, for this reason he's stopped drinking. However day during our relationship he had a very bad day and was very angry basically he got mad at me for no reason and said he was going out...later he text me telling me he was drunk...his friends had rented him a prostitute (very easy to get in our place in the Philippines!)...and he'd accepted her and was going to sleep with her. I text him back protesting, but he just replied 'shut up, your distracting, i'm turning of the phone'

Then in the morning he tried to text me 'hi honey, Goodmoring I love you' as if its all okay'...obviously I went mental! he told me it was all an angry lie (which i half knew already but there are always the doubts)...but basically I told him i didn't belive I was leaving him (neither of us had been with anyone before, so his saying he was sleeping with a prostitue was a bit 'slap in the face'...

I never planned on leaving him premantly as still belived it was all a big story, (if it was i really was leaving)...so I ignored him, wouldn't talk or answer the phone. When I though i'd let him sweat enough I allowed a meeting, which he begged my forgiveness and proved to me it was all lie. After i'd forgiven him he left me lying on his bed and when he came back he was crying...i said 'what are you doing?...I forgave you didn't I?' he said 'yeah...but i just realised I nearly lost you...by being so stupid'

Honestly he's never lied, or came close to cheating ever again. Sometimes it takes tough love honey...I left him tempoarily to see if he loved me enough to come back. If yo need to trust him...make him show ypu!