LDR and sex

[Miramaid]

I went to visit my SO this week. I am at the airport in fact flying back. Well the whole week was busy, we barely had time for each other. He worked during the day and went to school in the evenings. While he was at work i would stay in his office and do my homework and then go to school with him and do my homework there too (finals are coming). BTW, it was a surprise visit. I came 3 days before i was planning to.
One thing that bothers me A LOT is that during this week we only had sex once. The first day I arrived. And even that one time i kind of forced it (he was tired). HE constantly felt tired, every day. And yesterday, on Saturday when I thought we would finally have time for each other...there were no signs that he wanted to spend one-on-one time with me. HE wanted to go to movies and got upset that i did not want to do that. We were suppose to go have dinner with his friends...and again come back home late to only go back to sleep.
He did not however turn down BJs. I felt bad. I tried to let him know during this week that I would actually like to be close especially because we only get to see each other so much...
At some point I started crying yesterday and told him about what was bothering me. I started thinking all the bad things. HE said he did not feel like having sex period.
We argued over it very bad. To the point that i left his apartment. I came back later. I threw up twice. I slept on his couch. This morning he took me to the airport. We did nto say a word to each other. HE hugged me, said "have a safe trip" and that is it.
I feel crushed and used and unattractive and unloved
Any comments are appreciated.

[Caitlin2009]

sounds like work and school has started to rule his life, have you asked him to take a break from one or both of these things for a couple of days?

[leonsfangirl]

I agree, it sounds like work and school are taking up a huge chunk of his time and its getting to him, a break would do him good.

[NaNi]

The others could be right. Maybe he really is too tired to do anything sexual, so BJs are okay for him because he really doesn't have to do anything. I hope you two can work something out.

[LadyMarchHare]

If he was that busy then I can understand why sex was pretty much a no-go. Sex, when you're wide awake, is tiring. (least if you're doing it right, anyway) That and some people honestly have to be in a certain mood to even feel an ounce of arousal for the act to start or even be completed. Yes you were there but that doesn't mean that your presence means mandatory sex. It was a bad time for him. Just calm down and when he's not so busy talk to him about the trip and how you felt being denied sex and ask him why he denied you. Chances are it's not gonna be because he doesn't find you attractive, it's just seriously hard to be any semblance of horny when you're stressed out and busy. BJs are a different story because, as mentioned, he doesn't have to move or make any physical effort. You're the one getting him hard and completing the process, there's nothing for him to do but lay back and just let you do what you want.

[BabyGund]

I'm going to be honest, if you showed up on my doorstep 3 days earlier than I expected, especially since I work and go to school (which I both do), I'd be pissed. And yeah, I probably would take it out on you by denying sex.

Look at it from his point of view: he's already under a tremendous amount of stress and is very busy. Now you're there and he can't be expected to take time off from either work or school to entertain you. Honestly, as much as I miss The Boy, if he just showed up tomorrow, I'd be livid.

Keep his perspective in mind when you talk about this with him.

[Dauntedpoet]

I'm going to be honest, if you showed up on my doorstep 3 days earlier than I expected, especially since I work and go to school (which I both do), I'd be pissed. And yeah, I probably would take it out on you by denying sex.

Look at it from his point of view: he's already under a tremendous amount of stress and is very busy. Now you're there and he can't be expected to take time off from either work or school to entertain you. Honestly, as much as I miss The Boy, if he just showed up tomorrow, I'd be livid.

Keep his perspective in mind when you talk about this with him.

I think this is a REALLY good point.

[Miramaid]

I'm going to be honest, if you showed up on my doorstep 3 days earlier than I expected, especially since I work and go to school (which I both do), I'd be pissed. And yeah, I probably would take it out on you by denying sex.

Look at it from his point of view: he's already under a tremendous amount of stress and is very busy. Now you're there and he can't be expected to take time off from either work or school to entertain you. Honestly, as much as I miss The Boy, if he just showed up tomorrow, I'd be livid.

Keep his perspective in mind when you talk about this with him.

Hey I am in a PhD program and it is a few weeks before finals. And we actually argued over me not wanting to come at all to visit because I felt like it was not a good time for ME to come because i am in a PhD and i am freaking busy too! But he was upset that i did not want to come and assumed that i have someone here etc. So no that was not the case and he was happy i came actually. HE doesn't do physical work. His work is office work. I was at work with him every day doing a ton of homework and projects that i need to complete. And i did the same thing when he went to school (i went to school with him) and studied there. In fact I was MOTIVATING him to study by studying myself because otherwise he would not! And he even said that. I did not demand entertainment. All i wanted is a little more of physical contact, cuddling and just that feeling of being close and wanted. I needed it more than he gave me saying he is tired. I was just as tired as he is but i miss him and i see him only so often and yes i miss sex with him too and regardless of how stressed i am i would never turn him down! If it really was stress and not me being unattractive and all, why did he make me feel like i was wrong fro wanting to be intimate with him? He called me "selfish" and " smart ass" (when he said "Why are you not eating right now? Because you do not feel like it right? So i don't feel like having sex!" and i said "So sex is like food for you?" and he said i was a "fucking smart ass") and he left! Instead of talking to me and making me feel loved even without sex, he made me feel bad!
Why does he assume that i at least do not want to be touched and just lay in there end enjoy (like he does when I do BJs)? I would not mind that either!

[Joyce:)]

I'm so sorry, but don't feel unattractive and unloved, please.
I know that making love is a way to feel closer to your SO, and i fully understand why you wanted to spend more one on one time since it's a long distance relationship and you don't see him often.
Ask him what makes him not want to have sex, but really, don't blame yourself

[NaNi]

Why does he assume that i at least do not want to be touched and just lay in there end enjoy (like he does when I do BJs)? I would not mind that either!

This might not be the most grown-up advice, but I wouldn't give him any more BJs until he realizes that you have needs too.

[BabyGund]

Then I rescind my comments. But still, not everything is about sex. He's annoyed at you about something and we usually take it out on each other through sex. So you two need to have a talk.

regardless of how stressed i am i would never turn him down!

Oh just you wait....we all say that now....but there are going to come times when you are too stressed, too tired, too whatever to have sex.

[Moon]

While I'm not going to guess at why he seems to have such a bad attitude about sex, I am going to agree with NaNi, which wasn't childish advice at all, I don't think. No more blow jobs until there's some reciprocation! Be careful about giving all in a relationship, when its one sided, y'know?

On another note, last Summer I went to see my guy for 16 days, it was our second visit. The first 10 days of the visit SUCKED. He wouldn't touch me, and hardly spoke to me, he was extremely stressed over work and a few other things, but I traveled a long way to be treated so shabbily. Anyway, the last 6 days were OK, but that visit shook me to the core, I couldn't understand what happened and why he didn't want me, it bothered me for a very long time. All of our subsequent visits though, have been fine, better than fine even, they've been fantastic! I guess what I'm saying is maybe this visit was just off for whatever reason. If you'll see him again in the near future, you could possibly just wait it out and see how the next visit goes. If its back to normal, then just let this one go, maybe he was just having a bad few days.

[LadyMarchHare]

Hey I am in a PhD program and it is a few weeks before finals. And we actually argued over me not wanting to come at all to visit because I felt like it was not a good time for ME to come because i am in a PhD and i am freaking busy too! But he was upset that i did not want to come and assumed that i have someone here etc. So no that was not the case and he was happy i came actually. HE doesn't do physical work. His work is office work. I was at work with him every day doing a ton of homework and projects that i need to complete. And i did the same thing when he went to school (i went to school with him) and studied there. In fact I was MOTIVATING him to study by studying myself because otherwise he would not! And he even said that. I did not demand entertainment. All i wanted is a little more of physical contact, cuddling and just that feeling of being close and wanted. I needed it more than he gave me saying he is tired. I was just as tired as he is but i miss him and i see him only so often and yes i miss sex with him too and regardless of how stressed i am i would never turn him down! If it really was stress and not me being unattractive and all, why did he make me feel like i was wrong fro wanting to be intimate with him? He called me "selfish" and " smart ass" (when he said "Why are you not eating right now? Because you do not feel like it right? So i don't feel like having sex!" and i said "So sex is like food for you?" and he said i was a "fucking smart ass") and he left! Instead of talking to me and making me feel loved even without sex, he made me feel bad!
Why does he assume that i at least do not want to be touched and just lay in there end enjoy (like he does when I do BJs)? I would not mind that either!

No offense, but work is work. Doesn't matter if you sit in a chair all day and file papers or type on the computer instead of, say, lifting heavy boxes or whatever. Shit like that can tire you out more than you know. I'm not trying to be mean but you're sort of contradicting yourself when you say you never asked to be entertained or have him go out of his way for anything because you showed up on his doorstep one day randomly yet at the same time you're upset because you weren't being given something you were obviously demanding from him. And as BabyGund pointed out, you'll find out one day there will come a time when you'd rather sleep than have sex because you have to be up at 7 am or have so many things to do the next day that giving him that extra hour for physical fun is out of the question.

Also his comparison to you not eating was not him saying food is akin to sex in his mind. It's like a simile or a metaphor, you compare a similar situation with the one at hand to make a point. People don't eat all the time, they eat when they feel hungry. Same with sex, you don't have it all the time (unless you're a Nymphomaniac) you have it when you're horny. If he wasn't giving you what you wanted, why the heck were you blowing him anyway? You don't get anything out of it and chances are he's tolerating it at best just to shut you up. I agree with NaNi and Moon, don't give unless the man is going to reciprocate in some form. You're not going to win any argument with him over that if you just go ahead and do something anyway despite knowing he'll just roll over and go to sleep after. It's like being a doormat with a nasty greeting on it, no matter how rude the words on the doormat are, people are still gonna wipe their feet on it and walk over it.

[Miramaid]

Then I rescind my comments. But still, not everything is about sex. He's annoyed at you about something and we usually take it out on each other through sex. So you two need to have a talk.



Oh just you wait....we all say that now....but there are going to come times when you are too stressed, too tired, too whatever to have sex.

I have no idea what he could possible be annoyed at me about because I seriously think I was a perfect GF that week. We did not argue or anything, i made his bed, did the dishes, cooked for him and studied with him. I do not know what he could be annoyed at. I really do not know how to have a talk with him. We haven't talked since I left. I am afraid to contact him first because of many reasons: i always do, and because what if he really does have someone else and that is the reason why he did not want sex with me? Because I am afraid i really am not attractive to him any more and that he doesn't love me any more. Because I am afraid it is over. And i am afraid to call or text him first.
I also think he handled the situation very poorly and it hurts me too and yes I still feel rejected.
I was looking at how his text messages to me used to be: every word was "love" and they were so sweet. It has been gone for quite a while now. I am afraid it is just all gone and he has no balls to tell me that he is done. On the other side, he was excited that i came and he does say he loves me and the week was fine. I am VERY confused. And we NEVER had any problems with sex even if he was tired. So i really wonder if he has someone else...

[Sierra]

I'm going to be honest, if you showed up on my doorstep 3 days earlier than I expected, especially since I work and go to school (which I both do), I'd be pissed. And yeah, I probably would take it out on you by denying sex.

Look at it from his point of view: he's already under a tremendous amount of stress and is very busy. Now you're there and he can't be expected to take time off from either work or school to entertain you. Honestly, as much as I miss The Boy, if he just showed up tomorrow, I'd be livid.

Keep his perspective in mind when you talk about this with him.

This is SO passive aggressive and not healthy in a relationship.

Sex should be an activity when you come together, and while yes, it's acceptable to not have a high sex drive, to deny sex out of spite is not the sign of a healthy relationship. Communication is the key.

If she showed up early and that upset him, he should have told her, instead of making him feel the way that he did.
I agree with everyone though, it sounds like he could be quite busy and caught up in school and work, and I hope that you were able to effectively communicate your feelings with him about this.

I think that since sex is a way to be physically close to someone, that in a LDR you are apart from, and to be denied that is a very hard thing to understand. Hopefully you guys will talk through it and get to the bottom of the issue and it won't be a problem again.