Advice?

[juliaentwined]

Please refer to this forum first if you don't know what's going on: https://members.lovingfromadistance....dvice-welcomed!)

I know some of you have been helping out a bit with this lately.

But an update on me and Parker with his mother.

He finally tried talking to his mother. Now, I don't know exactly what was said. I only know what he told me. But in what he told me, when he tried to talk to her, she started going off about how wrong it was for us to be together, and said I was manipulating him and that I had him wrapped around my finger.

Obviously, it's official she hates me.

So, I wrote this letter. I haven't sent it. And I wasn't intending to, but a couple of people told me I should. I just felt I should have more input before I do.

"'m sorry. Not for something I did, but I'm sorry that you cannot accept our relationship. I'm sorry that you cannot see that, your son is happy. That I make him happy. Maybe that sounds pretty conceited, but to be honest, I know I do. And he makes me happy too. I'm sorry that you can't accept me. I've been the kindest person to you, and I don't get the same treatment, and that just hurts. I. Am. In. Love. With. Your. Son. Maybe that's not what you want to hear, but I'm not a very dishonest person when it comes to caring for people. I would give your son the world if I could. You think we're not serious about this. I understand that. Most teenagers don't know what the love means. But I think I do. And I'm pretty sure I love your son with every fiber of my being. Sure, I'm selfish sometimes, and high maintenance. What girl isn't? What PERSON isn't? We may be young. I'm not saying that I won't ever hurt your son, but I can promise you, I never will unless absolutely necessary. But right now, it's not me hurting him. It's you. You may not think I'm good enough, but to be honest, if me doing everything in my power to make your son happy, isn't good enough for you, then, excuse my language, but screw you.

I won't let you push me out of his life. And the more you try, the more you push him out of yours."


Now, of course the "screw you" part will have to reworded, but still. I don't know if I should even acknowledge that I know anything about this.

[snow_girl]

I would try to avoid as much drama as possible. Your letter is only going to fuel the flames. I don't think it would do much good either, she seems to be set in her ways and a letter is not going to change her mind.

If you do still insist on sending it, there are a few parts in the letter that I think need some rewording. Saying that you won't hurt her son unless absolutely necessary is not something that should be included. Don't focus on the negatives like that one and how you might be high maintenance.

[Zephii]

This is just going to make everything worse. I'm on the "don't send" boat.

[BabyGund]

Julia, as someone who has BTDT and I was a 26 year old adult at the time....

Don't send the letter. It wasn't my place to address his parents and as a teenager, it sure as hell isn't yours. Period.

She doesn't have to EVER like you....but if you and Parker continue the relationship, she can either accept it and show you basic courtesy and respect, or risk alienating her son. But that is her decision to make. My in-laws, God rest their souls, decided to accept it, and I was eventually able to make peace with both of them before they each died. But even if they didn't, it was no sweat off my nose, as it wasn't my fight. It was my (now ex) husband's.

I am giving you the wise advice here. This is Parker's fight. And it is difficult for him, as he is also young and it appears from your posts here, he's a bit of a Momma's Boy. He very well may choose her and his family over you; you need to be prepared for that. And if so, you have learned a very wise but painful lesson. I certainly hope it doesn't come to that. But confronting her will do you all no good.

[juliaentwined]

I didn't think it would. I honestly had no intention on sending it in the first place. And really don't now.

And BabyGrund, I am prepared for him to chose them. I've actually tried to kinda push him to, because I'm tired of being such a huge "problem" to them. It honestly just makes me insecure, and I can't stand it.

[shelski91]

Please...do not send that! As someone on the other side of a situation like this (my parents don't like my LDR) I know my parents would not appreciate that letter from my SO. The letter has an angry tone to it and I don't think thats helpful...

My 1st advice would be leave it alone...just stay together and show them in doing that that you really love one another. Show them your realitionship and your love is strong. If you do this eventually they will come to see things differntly and realise that this isnt a teenage fantasy. It may take a very long time but stick with your boy. if you want to be with someone you need to accept his family for what they are too....good bad hard or easy...

But...

if you really must send a letter send one thats more 'Dear (name)i'm sorry to hear that you do ot fully support my relationship with your son, I'm writing this letter to let you know that I intend to do right by your son and do all I can to ensure his happiness,...(insert a bit more calm respectfully toned sentences)...if you still cannnot give your blessing to our relationship I will respect your decision and regret that we cannot get to know you better as he mother of the love of my life.

However

[Sierra]

Look, I'm just going to be completely honest with you.

A number of years ago, when I was younger, about 20, I was involved in a different LDR. My ex and I were engaged and everything, but my mom hated him. Sadly, she had reason to hate him, and we decided to ride it out for the sake of our relationship, because, well we were in love.

I hate to admit it now, but not only did it destroy our relationship, it destroyed my family. My ex broke up with me because he cared about me and he saw the wedge it was driving between myself and my family. I had already lost my friends due to our relationship and the last thing I should have lost was my family because of it. Shortly after, I convinced him that staying together was still the best thing to do - after all, we loved each other.

But staying together wasn't the best thing to do. It took 7 month after that for me to end our relationship, but I did. He grew depressed seeing what I was going through and knowing it was his fault. I guess our breakup was mutual, but it was definitely the best thing in the end.

Being with him and going through everything we did taught me how to be strong in a relationship. It taught me that I was strong enough to endure anything and it lead me on a path that put me in my current boyfriends arms, and I know, without a doubt that he is the right man for me. My previous relationship wasn't worth the wedge it drove between myself and my family.

You shouldn't send that letter, you will make thinks worse. But I think you're at a point where you have to see what your relationship is doing to your boyfriend. I'm not saying you guys shouldn't be together, but maybe you should be when you both are independent adults without parents hanging over your head. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is let them go, especially when your relationship is causing so much drama.

After everything I went through I hate to give this advice because I thought my relationship with my ex was worth sticking through, but you know, like I said, the juice wasn't worth the squeeze. Now it is and I couldn't ask for anything more.

Best of luck to you.

[leonsfangirl]

Another don't send it here, it gives his mom something else to dislike you for.
My ex mother in law hated me with a passion for no reason other than where i came from (apparently the area of the city i grew up in is full of drug dealers/whores and criminals) but that doesn't mean your relationship won't work because she doesn't like you. I was with my Ex for 10 years and for the most part his mother wasn't an issue. Support him as best you can,don't insult his parents as that puts him in the middle and makes it harder for him to deal with it.
Sorry your in this situation but its not the worse thing in the world, you still have each other.

[Heather]

Don't send....

If you want to really send his mother a letter, kill her with kindness. I know that saying doesn't always work, but I would suggest not making things worse than they already are.

[juliaentwined]

I just talked to my counselor, and she said the same thing about the kill her with kindness. I'm still going to send a letter, but it'll be totally different. I'm basically going to sit and thank her for things she HAS done that were pretty nice.

[LadyMarchHare]

If you're gonna send her a letter I have to agree it has to be the nicest, most sugar-coated turd you could plop in her lap. The original letter was dripping with aggressiveness and like everyone's said you'd be doing the equivalent of setting that woman's hair on fire after saying you'd put it out. Could even make the whole letter about thanking her for giving birth and raising such a fine young man who knows how to treat someone he cares about.

My personal opinion is to not confront her if you don't have to, even with kindness and all that, because you're never sure of what you'll get back. She may take the high road and stay civil with you or she could spit in your face, scuff your shoes, and call your mom some variant of 'whore' for ever birthing you. I have days I'd love some way to contact my SO's mom and give her a verbal fist to render her toothless but it's not my place to call into question how she raised him or how she chooses to treat him now that he's an adult, even if I'd love to call her a slew of things that aren't fit for anyone's ears.

But, do what you feel you need to and if you feel the need to write that letter then you do it and we'll all help as much as we can.