Elaborate lie or not seeing my SO until earliest June 2012

[FadedSunrise]

AHH SOMETHING I NEVER CLARIFIED. I have relatives in China, in a city about 4 hrs away from his. They would be paying either now or this winter to send me back for my regular visit to the relatives(includes both grandparents). Thus what I am asking for is just an extra stop, funded fully by me


This was posted on my blog, but since I'm feeling so clueless/hopeless, and I really need to make a decision ASAP, I was hoping I could get more ideas this way.

What the title said. Either I lie, or I don't see him until earliest July 2012. My parents are against him, but even if they had not known him and developed a bad image...what would "I'm going to use your money to buy a plane ticket to oh, go see relatives, but also spend 2 weeks traveling with my bf in China...alone?" sound like to overprotective (Chinese) parents, folks?

I'm so not used to big lies though. I tell white lies to skype with the boyfriend weekly, but those are over easily and nobody keeps track. 2 weeks though...or really, any amount of time of me romping off to a foreign country. It's so easy to get caught. I don't know how I would be caught, but it just feels so easy to be caught.

To clarify, I do have an idea for what I'd say, and I've been easing them slowly into it since early March...so they have slowly been buying in and asking me for more details about "our trip" planning and when we can show them the full details, so they can ok me to buy a ticket. Basically, I said two friends from Wisconsin I met study abroad got awarded a study scholarship in Taiwan, and with extra spending money want to stop in Beijing and meet with me and my best friend so we can all play there for 2 weeks, and kind of travel for a bit more. I said my best friend has her plane ticket covered by frequent flyer miles, on a different airline my parents are against using.

They want me to write them a more detailed itinerary, a budget, and a list of where I'll be staying. I feel like pressing them for more requirements is going to make my plan suspicious.

EDIT: I'm getting so down about this that I'm thinking of changing my story to my friends have ditched me, and my new truth- a week to a couple of days in Beijing to catch up with OTHER friends, go to Great Wall which I didn't go to, and by myself. This would be my whole truth-I don't have to worry about being caught with my SO, cuz it would be short, and they have no way to check. I'm so willing to take any scrap I can get. Sure I can learn to deal and wait out my time, but really I'm now willing to take

even a DAY. this year. A day is better than none.

[jenny_ell]

sorry i guess i am not understanding this very well, your parents are against you spending their money on a trip/do not want you going on a trip to see your SO?

i know it sounds obvious but is there any way of you making your own money? i am 21, still live with my parents but i work and i afford all my trips on my own. its awful, about 800 a plane ticket, but i try to make it work.

you shouldn't lie to them, especially about something as serious/complicated as a trip abroad. it would be easy to get caught in the lies and its not worth trying to figure out a story and stick to it. what if they want to call and talk to your friends? or want to see pictures from your trip? or find out that your friends are actually not even on the trip? its not worth it because if you betray them once, they won't trust you again and it will be A LOT harder to get their approval next time.

i guess i don't really understand the culture but maybe you can explain your relationship to your parents. or maybe your SO can come visit you and meet them and it will help them trust you more/be comfortable with what you are doing. i understand your situation though and i guess that unfortunately one day parents need to let go and let their children make their own decisions.

sorry i don't know the whole story. but maybe if you made your own money and could pay for the trip or at least contribute to it, would that help a bit?

[FadedSunrise]

I tried to make my own money. I made 800 already for quite a substantial stay, eating well, and contributing to dates.(1 to 6 USD to yuan exchange rate, thank you!) However, it would be 1400 now ontop of that to get me to and from Beijing. I go to school full time, 15 units, trying to make straight A's to keep a 3.8+ GPA so I can one day go to a top 15 law school. I intensively babysat away my winter break to earn the 800, and just don't have the time during the semester to maintain a job with enough hours to get me 1400. By the time I earn that much it will be time for my next year's scholarship visit anyways.

Yea, my parents are against me being in a relationship with my SO. I screwed up the first time in not cushioning the blow for them/introducing him as just a friend, and they yelled and we argued for a week. I cried every day non stop, and in the end they threatened me to choose him or them, and if I chose him I would be disowned. This made me break up with him for about 3 weeks, and then we got back together secretly. They tote the idea that we "can still be friends, so long as there is no romance"...but I've been burned too badly to trust that.

My SO is graduated and working...a not too bad job by China's standards, but the problem is he's working in CHINA. The exchange rate works against him, he'd have to save 6 times as much to get money to come see me. So this is not going to happen any day soon, since he's only been working a slim few years.

Oh, and about the culture that you mentioned. Chinese society(though I lived most of my life here in America, I still think very Chinese about some things) is HUGE on filial piety. So as much as I want to listen to people here who tell me to put my foot down and declare my adulthood, it'd kinda like...the kinda GUILT I get from deviating off filial piety is so immense that it brings me crashing down.

Not that, you know, I don't cry most nights at the thought of not seeing my SO...ever.

[FadedSunrise]

I just thought of one last desperate, crazy measure. I have about 2,500USD saved in life savings from odd 10 hrs here, 10 hrs there tutoring jobs since I was 18. It's really little, I know, but I don't need to pay a dime for most other things since the parents cover it all and buy me things like new clothes to boot, and asian parents prefer their child to study more and work less hours(I'm really extremely controlled, to be honest).

But. In addition to my 800 from January it is MORE than enough to buy BOTH the plane ticket and living in country for the time I want. Knowing my parents they will still grumble that money is not what they care about...but it suddenly gives me a rush of power that I can just pull the "I bought the ticket already. I'll be back in a month, here is the number to call me when I'm travelling".

Or at least...I think I can. =_=

Thoughts? I'll be coming back to my future in law school and a 3 figure salary after graduation(I'm aiming high, and I think I can do it, because I have nearly photographic memory if I apply myself and standarized tests are a breeze). Thus, the petty change of 1 plane ticket? gone.

[Mara]

I don't particularly like the idea of lying to your parents for several reasons, but I do think you have to make this decision for yourself.

I do think it is a bad idea though because if the truth were to come to light [and somehow it always does] then, there will be even more bad blood between your parents and your SO because they will see it like you were sneaking off using their money to see the man they forbid you from having a romantic relationship with. I would do one of two things. The first being wait to see your SO. I know it seems like a long time away, but many here wait that long between visits. Time passes quicker than you think. If you were set on going, I would use your own money or get the money by some other means.

I just think lying to your parents and using their money to go over there and see him is a recipe for disaster.

[FadedSunrise]

I realized. I do have more than enough of my own money to go. But it might not be about the money at all. It might just be about the fact that I live under their house...and WHETHER OR NOT I USE A CENT OF THEIR MONEY, they will control me if they care, because they can.
...and this infuriates me to no end. It's not even entirely about missing him or not anymore. Its more about the fact that even if I can get the money, even years later when I'm employed and have financial freedom... I will never be truly free of their control. A part of me will always live by their will.

[13000km]

Oh, and about the culture that you mentioned. Chinese society(though I lived most of my life here in America, I still think very Chinese about some things) is HUGE on filial piety. So as much as I want to listen to people here who tell me to put my foot down and declare my adulthood, it'd kinda like...the kinda GUILT I get from deviating off filial piety is so immense that it brings me crashing down.

This is so important. My parents' favourite lie when saying "no" to something I want to do is "it's not about the money..." I am a working adult, and even though I will be paying for whatever using my own money, if I'm making a big decision, they have to be involved.

I don't know about the lying. I've told lies to them before to get around the "no means no!". But this...is a big lie and it could very possibly end very badly. I go with the "I'll be back in a month, I will contact you regularly so you know I'm safe" option. Maybe add in a few more details about your trip.

[Insanity]

It's probably not best to rebel by travelling overseas to see you're SO. I can imagine you miss him but it seems it's more about your relationship with your parents. I'm not sure how old you are and if you are under 18 then I say it's best to respect their opinions. I read on your profile that you started dating in february which really isn't that long ago. Maybe you're parents would feel more comfortable if you took some time to let the relationship and friendship to develop. I'm sure they have their reasons why they wouldn't want you to spend your savings to fly over to China an maybe that's something you need to talk about with them.
Anyway what would happen when you got back?

[FadedSunrise]

Maybe tomorrow it'll finally start sinking in that I can't do it. That I tried so hard and the world hates this idea and told me no.

I'm 20, btw. In my junior year of undegraduate, with a year left.

And no, they would never feel comfortable about this relationship. They are the "we just don't like him, he is different from us, we cannot have that". Plus, they want me to date many boys(have like 10 exes by the time I marry-I asked at one point what they meant by date around, and they literally threw out this number), and never date seriously until it's a Chinese, tall(hello, parents, I'm 6' tall), doctor or lawyer. Less than that they will never approve. You all might think I sound bitter, but such words came from their mouths directly-that they will not approve of interracial marriages, they do not think boys shorter than me look "proper", and they think social class is defined by career, which means future lawyer x personal trainer=not the same social class, and out.

[FadedSunrise]

I'm SO SO SO SORRY for the additional spam, but really all of a sudden this is getting to me. Too used to keeping always a fake smile, my emotions constantly hidden. It's all bursting out now.

I get what you are all saying. Thanks for the opinions. My new thought is just to ask for a couple of days to a week in his city, fully funded by me. I will even pitch in on the plane ticket to sweeten the deal. I'm not quite sure how to unspin the lie I've spun, but my intention is now as I say in the first post-I will take even 24 hrs. 24 hrs this year is better than ZERO.

[FadedSunrise]

I'm SO SO SO SORRY for the additional spam, but really all of a sudden this is getting to me. Too used to keeping always a fake smile, my emotions constantly hidden. It's all bursting out now.

I get what you are all saying. Thanks for the opinions. My new thought is just to ask for a couple of days to a week in his city, fully funded by me. I will even pitch in on the plane ticket to sweeten the deal. I'm not quite sure how to unspin the lie I've spun, but my intention is now as I say in the first post-I will take even 24 hrs. 24 hrs this year is better than ZERO.

[LadyMarchHare]

Your parents are very old fashioned and very traditional, it stands to reason they would have this mindset and firmly believe it is what will make you a successful person and make your offspring successful. To differentiate from their ideals, in their minds you are dishonoring them, shaming them in front of family, friends, and the world and there is probably a very very likely result of disowning to save face for them and pretend you are not their blood. My mother, to a lesser degree, is the same way. She was born and raised in an era where blacks were segregated from whites, then when de-segregation happened they were still below whites. It is what she grew up knowing and I imagine her parents were some shade of racist. When I revealed I was dating a black man I was told I would be disowned if I ever married him or had his children, that we were an abomination in the eyes of God, and if God wanted us to date different races we would all be one color and on one continent. Even now, more than a year later all she can say about him in a positive light is "he is not a woman and he makes you happy (most of the time)".

I am close to my mom, she influences my decisions and my actions because I still live with her despite being 21. However I hold my own sets of beliefs, even as far as religion goes, and luckily she does not fight me, often, on these things. Your parents I'm not sure will ever get to that point, they are that set in their ways, but 20 is a bit old to be playing rebel and running off with your savings and chancing reprimand. I'm beginning to think that if you do go now instead of waiting a year you might end up spending the entire trip worried about your parents' reaction if and when the cat gets out of the bag, and that's no way to spend a visit. As mentioned, you two are only two months into your relationship and while a lot of couples do visit as soon as they can, I do think it is a bit early to be visiting not only because there are things you two still don't know about each other but because I think the consequences concerning your parents isn't worth it. In a year when your relationship is stronger, maybe, but two months in I'm not sure about. That aside, would your SO even be happy if he knew you pulled that sort of stunt?

Ultimately it is your decision as you mentioned you have the funds to go without needing their money, but I can't really see a good outcome from just being desperate to be with your SO for a little while.

[Mara]

I don't think there's anything wrong in including your parents in your life decisions or taking their opinion in mind, but when your parents are ruling your life or have control over you, I think it's too much. This is coming from someone who spent the majority of their life marching in line to their parents' beat. At some point, you have to decide who you are, what you want, and what you are willing to do to accomplish these things. I don't believe in living my life for anyone else or by anyone else's standards because in the end you have to be satisfied with your life choices.

I am beginning to think this trip isn't a good idea though because I don't think you are emotionally or financially ready to face the consequences of what would happen if you were to stand up to your parents and visit him. I'd try to visit him when you are financially secure and ready to, after the visit, reveal your relationship and face things with your parents.

[FadedSunrise]

Apologies all around for my unacceptable behavior last night. Life has not been good lately with my mother's health, the pressure of applications, and upper level classes. But that is still no excuse. If I have nothing nice to say I shouldn't have caused a ruckus at all.

Let me write a concise post detailing everything, since there seems to be a few details crossed up(I was going to do this last night, but the forums like to shut off on me after 1am).

1. I'm 20, still living with the parents, still in undergrad. They pay for everything, because they say it's not about the money, it's about filial piety, and them saving face in being able to provide for their children.

2. To be technical, I've been dating my SO for 2 months. We met when I was abroad, last September, started talking last October.

3. I have both sets of grandparents in a city in China about 4 hrs by car from where he lives. I am obligated to go back to visit at least once yearly, more if I'm in the area for studies. Therefore, if I were not to go to China(and perhaps or not stop by his city) this summer, the same process would be repeating this winter.

4. I'm just a lot more anxious now because it's all lot more likely to let me go travel in the summer. They'd expect me to freeze to death, and also get kidnapped(of course, because all girls are at a disadvantage in life in this...) if I were to stop in Beijing in the freezing winter.

5. My idea to use my saved money to travel came from the fact that my friend at her internship had a now lawyer tell her that when this lawyer was in law school, she used some of her childhood savings, got into some debt, and basically I guess appeared financially unwise to reach her dream of travelling the world and studying abroad in various countries. Sure, law school was expensive, this was even more on top of that, but this lawyer said she got all the travel money paid off after just one year of post graduation working. She encouraged myself and my friend, future aspiring lawyers, to take what opportunities we can to travel and have fun, even if it meant extra spending, when we were in school. She tells us that after we get to be employed, there is no such thing as travel, because new lawyers work upwards of 60 hrs a week, and we'd just be going from stressing in school to stressing the real world, ending with retirement at an age too old to enjoy travel.

6. Filial piety is a big thing, also too because my mother has epilepsy(again, not an excuse, just a fact). I usually follow EXACTLY what they say, always happily march to the beat of their drums and put especially her happiness first. The guilt when I dont is just too much. I was almost willing to give up on this relationship because she willed it. Almost.

7. I'm not lying anymore. I have a teacher from study abroad in Beijing who taught me Chinese one on one. We're close, she's almost like my older sister. She often takes in extra students who need a place to stay and want language immersion, so the time I'm going in the summer she will have no students. I asked, and she is willing to take me for a week or so if I help around the house.

But you all probably don't think it's a good idea to go anyways. That I shouldn't be hiding this relationship at all, and I need to face the full honesty of it or wait and back out ATM. In the end, I've slept on it, and unfortunately, I just want to see him too much. It's not about the romantic relationship, I could care less if I even get a kiss this time. I just want to be around him, because its like my parents barred me from my best friend.