I'm my own worst enemy (long, but need some good advice)

[Lunar Snow]

I know I am peppering the forum with threads, but I have a lot on my mind! Ahhh! (I do promise that I had a very good visit with him in some ways, too, but right now I am bubbling and burning with issues!) Lobotomy time? (You will also see that a lot of this can all be kind of interconnected with my worries in some of the other threads I have posted recently and also the one I just posted in the adults section).

Two things:

1. I did finally find out more about the infamous girl who broke his heart and shut him down emotionally, etc. There is a lot of back story to this, but I hope that some of you will remember her cropping up from many of my threads and blog posts. Anyway, I am happy to have a first name--she IS human! That sounds silly, but she was this spectral goddess-elephant always in the room until recently. He doesn't have her on Facebook, but I see that both of his sisters have a girl friended with that name (and from looking at her, I don't actually hate her, but I hate what she did to him and still how she is affecting the way he behaves in our relationship). I am relieved that she is human, but then with his loooong talk about her and him confessing that "it's really difficult sometimes because her mom and my Mom are best friends and, so, I can't help hearing about her sometimes" with a rueful and reflective look into the distance. He loves me, I love him, we are a couple, we are going strong...so, why do I now have to worry that he still is pining for what could have been, because "there was no closure"? I was ready to put her in the illuminated, but not as awesome as me past box now that she was human...but it seems like she is somehow still affecting his present state of mind. That was back at the beginning of his university career, he had counselling, realized she was abusing his friendship, that he was only in love with the idea of her, several girlfriends or flings since her, and...not to forget...me, currently--am I wrong to feel rather upset or concerned that it is still scarring him? How do I help him definitively put her in the past?

2. I am a bad, bad, bad llama. So bad!!! I think you guys are going to descend upon me and tar and feather me. He left his Facebook logged in when he went for a shower. I heard my conscience, the whole chorus of Heaven, and all of LFAD telling me to just log out and close the page. ...but I snooped, oh did I snoop. Nothing too remarkable, but I did notice that he keeps things pristinely uncluttered (I'm talking almost blank news feeds, clearing out excess or old posts on his wall and inbox). So, nearing the end of my snooping, I was surprised to find that he had kept a long, long string of messages between him and the girl whom he had been friends with benefits with while he and I were also very interested in each other. He claims that he broke things off with her for me and never talked to her anymore and that he wasn't proud of how he had behaved (still, that fling remains a sore spot in our relationship and trust issues).

It was a super long thread, so I just started scrolling up and skimming I caught a bit about them deciding that it should just be friends and sex, but nothing more. Then, I started reading things about "desparately needing and wanting each other" and a lot of things on the same level...not even sure if it was him or her saying them. I was literally going to vomit (from emotional shock and also guilt), so I logged out and closed the page (he came out from the shower soon after that). I did remain on the computer and clear the browsing history, logging into my Facebook instead.

It's a catch 22, because I am freaked out that he would keep all these sexy messages when he seems to have very carefully pruned his inbox to only very recent messages about school and such--was it more special to him than he let on? Did it go on for longer than he wants me to know? Does he like thinking about it and looking at the messages to get his jollies when we are at a distance? Plus, if I was going to be so very backwards in my building of trust and reduction of jealous, I had wished that I had looked at the date when he had finally broken off with her clearly (because I have a vague feeling that the last message said sometime after April 2010...which was shortly after we became official and far after he gave me a whole dramatic story about wanting me to be a part of his life and breaking off what he had with her for me, even if we weren't official). Yet...he will rightfully be angry that I was looking through his Facebook. After that, it seemed he was very careful to log out of his Facebook if he was leaving me alone, but never let on that he thought I had snooped. I actually even left my Facebook logged in a few times, in case he wanted to do some retaliative snooping (dumb, I know). Should I fess up and ask him about what I saw? Or should I just not say anything?

I feel all messed up and so stressed about all these things, but then I also do really love him and am feeling so terribly sad about just having left. You guys must think I am crazy. :S

[Mara]

I have read your latest updates to your other threads and this one, I am going to try and respond to everything here.

On the snooping, you know you shouldn't have. There's no point in me stressing that because we both know you shouldn't have. I definitely think you should come forward and tell him that you went through his facebook, apologize, but ask about what you saw. As much as people want things to be black and white, nothing is. Who knows for what reason he kept those messages when deleting everything else? Don't jump to conclusions and even if he did keep those messages because she meant something to him..so what? He chose you over her and she was nothing but a friend with benefits from the beginning besides. I'd put it out of your mind, but I would talk to him about it and tell him what you saw.

About the girl that broke his heart, maybe you need to help him have closure on the issue? Suggest he write her a letter [that he doesn't send] or maybe see someone if he is having trouble getting over what she did to him. I don't think he's pining for her, but I do think it is still having a negative impact on him. Some people have a hard time getting over heartbreak though, but by how long it's been I would really suggest he try to get some type of closure on the issue by either writing a letter, talking to you, or talking to someone professionally. It's just not healthy to still be letting something like that effect him.

I do think from the sounds of it too that he is trying to hold you at arms length in a sense so he can't get hurt like that again. He's simply afraid of letting you be that close to him, of closing the distance, of making a lifetime commitment to someone. Maybe it's not just this girl that broke his heart either. Usually when people react the way he is to something like that there are additional issues present as well.

I don't think any of these things are things the two of you couldn't overcome, but he has to be willing to work with you.

[Lunar Snow]

I have read your latest updates to your other threads and this one, I am going to try and respond to everything here.

On the snooping, you know you shouldn't have. There's no point in me stressing that because we both know you shouldn't have. I definitely think you should come forward and tell him that you went through his facebook, apologize, but ask about what you saw. As much as people want things to be black and white, nothing is. Who knows for what reason he kept those messages when deleting everything else? Don't jump to conclusions and even if he did keep those messages because she meant something to him..so what? He chose you over her and she was nothing but a friend with benefits from the beginning besides. I'd put it out of your mind, but I would talk to him about it and tell him what you saw.

About the girl that broke his heart, maybe you need to help him have closure on the issue? Suggest he write her a letter [that he doesn't send] or maybe see someone if he is having trouble getting over what she did to him. I don't think he's pining for her, but I do think it is still having a negative impact on him. Some people have a hard time getting over heartbreak though, but by how long it's been I would really suggest he try to get some type of closure on the issue by either writing a letter, talking to you, or talking to someone professionally. It's just not healthy to still be letting something like that effect him.

I do think from the sounds of it too that he is trying to hold you at arms length in a sense so he can't get hurt like that again. He's simply afraid of letting you be that close to him, of closing the distance, of making a lifetime commitment to someone. Maybe it's not just this girl that broke his heart either. Usually when people react the way he is to something like that there are additional issues present as well.

I don't think any of these things are things the two of you couldn't overcome, but he has to be willing to work with you.

Mara, I am really appreciative of your helpful and sincere advice. Thank you.

The night before last, I did finally talk about many of these worries with him again. Yet, I didn't talk about 1 and 2.

For 2 (the snooping and finding messages), I feel confused whether I should confess or not. My sister said absolutely not and I kind of agree after he and I talked about other emotional things recently and he opened up a lot more, so I worry that that would really defeat the progress we made there. Yet, my conscience really agrees with you. So, right now, I am up in the air as to what to do. I think, for now, he and I need to have a few good online dates to re-bond a bit more and then I might still bring it up. I worry that if I wait too long or elect not to tell him that if I am at not at my best sometime (e.g. really feeling the distance, having had a fight over something else, feeling insecure, etc.) that I might bring it up and it could be a lot more catastrophic than it needs to be. Hummm...not sure.

For 1 (the girl on the pedestal from the past), I agree with you and feel encouraged that he is not pining over her. I think you also really put it well to say that he is holding me at an arm's distance sometimes--throughout our relationship, there has always been that sense and it troubles me and makes me feel insecure. Helping him with closure would be a good idea. I would like him to confide it in me, but I also find it really hurtful to have him go on about this other girl and have to be a counsellor instead of the one he is supposed to love now. I wonder, then, if encouraging him to attend some more therapy would be good or to write the letter? I feel hesitant to even bring the situation up sometimes, because then it makes him go inside and to another time where he couldn't be further from focusing on us and the future, but it must come about for him to heal properly for his own benefit even (regardless of our relationship, though I think our relationship should be a factor). As to the letter, you mentioned him not sending it, but what if he did? Should I help him with the letter and ever see it or should it be private? I think the letter could be a possibility, but I don't feel entirely comfortable with the idea yet (I wonder that if he writes it not to send, that he will keep it around and brood over it. If he writes it to send, will that start them off talking again and then I might have something to worry about with it interfering in our relationship and also playing with his emotions. If he does or doesn't send it, will I always wonder if the content was wishing that he was with her still...which really isn't doing anything to heal).

[Mara]

Hmm. I've done the letter thing myself in the past and I know others who've done it as well. Personally, I destroyed the letter after I wrote it along with everything that I had that reminded me of him, but I do know a girlfriend of mine that wrote her letter to her ex in an email then just exited the browser without sending it. I also know a couple of people who've actually sent letters to their exes, but I think it's a bit past the point for that in this case. He's in a new relationship [with you] and this was so long ago I'm sure that she wouldn't have anything helpful to say in response.

I did suggest him seeing a counselor because I wonder at his ability to get over this on his own. It wouldn't be such a big deal really if it wasn't effecting your relationship negatively, but it is. I can also understand you not wanting to hear him go on about her, I don't think anyone would want to hear their SO go on about someone else, but maybe if you know the full extent of things you could help him to heal and stop letting this negatively effect your relationship?

I don't think you should do anything immediately about the above. If I were you I'd think out the best approach then broach the subject with him.

As for telling him you snooped, I'm all for full honesty. I'm the sort of person who can't keep their mouth shut about stuff like that besides. If you don't want to tell him what you found then don't, but I'd at least tell him that you looked.