Tells me he'll visit, but keeps hesitating

[Zapookie]

Hi everyone! Just gonna let you know, this will be a little bit long, so please please bear with me.

My SO lives in California, I live in Sydney, AUS. We decided in January that we would try to meet each other this year (we have never met before). A little bit of back story to him, he has ADHD, and suffers from anxiety and paranoia (he has a good hold on himself for the most part, though).

We both have money to see each other (which I am so thankful for, 'cause I know how hard it is having little money, I've been there before!). He is the one who insists that he wants to come here. So in January, we decided we'd start the process. He didn't go down to the post office to get the papers until the beginning of Feb, and didn't get his SS card and Birth Certificate from his mom until March. During that whole time, I kept asking him to hurry it up, because we said the best time to come here would be April/March (before winter comes around in June).

He was supposed to be here by now.

At this current point in time, he has filled out the papers, gotten all the appropriate documents and had his photos taken. He just hasn't gone to the post office to hand them in and pay the fee. I have kept reminding him and asking him when is he going to do it, but he tells me not to worry. You don't understand how frustrated this makes me. I ask him if he really wants to do this, and he says that he does (but obviously if he did he would have done it).

I wrote him a long message on FB on monday while he was sleeping one night, so that my head would be clear (I usually can't bring it up while chatting to him). I pretty much gave him an ultimatum telling him that if he doesn't do it by friday, that my part in this relationship is over, because I can't continue to waste my time, energy and emotion on someone who isn't taking this seriously.

Since then, we've spoken on MSN (no skype to cloud my judgement), and I asked him again why he can't do it, and he says that he's scared. He said he's scared of taking the step to see me, even though he really wants to. He's scared of what this is (he has never had what he would consider a real relationship before, love and all).

My question/dilemma is.. what do I do? Do I support him and keep waiting, bearing in mind that he hasn't given me a set date as to when? Or do I forget about him and carry on with my life? (not the option I really want, but I'm so lost and confused right now). Please, any advice you can offer me right now is most appreciated

[Zapookie]

I see all these posts of people with legitimate reasons as to why they have to hold off their visits, and then I think of him.. and it just puzzles me :|

[LadyMarchHare]

I was pretty much like your SO when it came to the idea/action of a visit. I made excuses for a while because I was scared even though I really did want to see him. It's a big step, especially if you're not exactly the most emotionally stable person on earth. There are a lot of what-if's to be had and a lot of things to fear and it makes you drag your heels more than run faster so you can see the less frightening reality faster. In the end you can support him and say all the encouraging things in the world but he has to fight his demons and face his fears himself and I can guarantee when he does he'll feel stronger for it and won't think twice next time. Like me, my biggest fear about visiting was the plane ride as I've been frightened of airplanes since I was a kid. The two months before I saw him I was crying nearly every day from the fear the plane would crash or I'd miss a flight or I'd lose my luggage, just inane things that I saw as Armageddon. Several times I thought about canceling the trip, even looked for excuses to say I missed the flight but in the end I got on the plane and after clinging to the chair for a half hour, I was fine.

At the same time I understand your frustration. You were of the mind he was taking care of everything, was just as excited, and was essentially on the same page as you about when he'd come. Basically you got your hopes up for nothing and when someone pops your happy balloon it's hard not to want to sock the twit with the needle in the babymakers. I honestly don't think leaving him because he has a case of cold feet is necessary, it's not going to make the situation any better. Just keep talking to him about it, let him understand that you want to see him and that there's no reason to be afraid of you or what may change in the relationship due to such physical proximity. Heck bribe him if you have to, anything that'll get him to face his fears so that he's able to do what he really wants--see you.

[Zapookie]

Thanks for your response LadyMarchHare. I have tried to be consoling to him.. I keep telling him that this is the last thing that he has to do on his own, and once he does his passport, we'll choose the right flight together, I'll pay for half, and that I'd take care of him when he gets here.. I don't know what else to say to him without coming across as nagging him. He said he isn't scared of the flight. Idk.. he keeps making excuses and I feel like his excuses are insignificant and shouldn't be trumping the fact that this is to plan our future together :/

[LadyMarchHare]

This is merely observation as I can't read your SO's thoughts nor do I know him, but there is a chance that he feels pressured even though you're trying to be understanding and not bite his head off despite your aggravation. There might also be a chance his excuses are a ruse for a bigger problem or just something he feels can get him out of having to do anything further and face the music. Like I said, that's only observation.

You said this is pretty much his first real relationship and time dealing with love and that can be a daunting thing. If he's used to thinking and planning for only him, suddenly throwing someone else in the mix can be disorientating and pretty freaking scary. In the end the behavior is just a result of fear and though it seems silly to you and any other observer to him it's a real fear. It's like someone with a phobia of cotton balls, as someone who isn't afraid of them you can shoo away their fear with logic but, y'know, fear doesn't have logic. Some people are just scared of things because they are. But again he needs to put on his big boy pants and weigh the options. What's ultimately worse for him, facing whatever fear he has in regards to seeing you, or never seeing you?

[Sierra]

This would be a huge warning sign for me. A passport doesn't come instantly, it can take months for it to come and then he has to book the trip.

I understand being scared, but at a certain point, enough is enough. He HAS to face his anxiety or not to.

[FadedSunrise]

Eh, personally, my passport only took exactly the 6 weeks that they said it would, and before that my naturalization process was also pretty good. I guess maybe I got lucky?

My SO is also my first relationship, and first "love" so to speak(I hesitate to use that word this early), so I can definitely understand his nerves. I've certainly gone through what he felt about planning the trip, but in the end, he has to go for it. It's all in his head-the world is only as bad as we make it, at least most of the time.

[Zapookie]

@Sierra about the passport.. he told me that he's going to pay extra to get it expedited.

He is also kind of my first love.. I have never had a serious relationship before. I offered to go see him if he was too worried about coming here but he insisted he come instead. Sometimes I can't help but feel he's doing it on purpose :/

[Zapookie]

@Sierra about the passport.. he told me that he's going to pay extra to get it expedited.

He is also kind of my first love.. I have never had a serious relationship before. I offered to go see him if he was too worried about coming here but he insisted he come instead. Sometimes I can't help but feel he's doing it on purpose :/

[Anolinde]

I'm actually going through a similar situation myself, so I just wanted you to know you aren't the only one. I think men have more relationship anxiety about this thing maybe. I don't have any advice since I'm as baffled as you but just hang in there, I'm sure it'll happen eventually he probably just needs time to understand how he feels.

[Thad]

This is indeed a tough situation. My first reaction was that this should be a huge warning. However, reading the thread and thinking about makes me think otherwise. He does need to make the choice himself. There is nothing you'll be able to do to force him to do. Make as many ultimatums as you wish and it will still be up to him. Its clear that you already know that though.

I would continue to express you desires and needs, but also try to help him understand how his actions make you feel. I think if he saw that it would better help him get over his fears than you just telling him so.

And while I agree that this isn't something you should leave him over -- at least not yet anyway -- I think it is something for you to consider for the long run. Regardless of how much he loves you, he will be dealing with these issues for the rest of his life, like it or not. If you are in a long-term relationship with him, then you will probably be forced to deal with issues like this. Think about if you are okay dealing with that, and if not try to figure out why. Express that to him by telling him how it makes you feel rather than just telling him the issues. You'll have a better chance at solving the problems if you are both connected emotionally.

I hope that he comes to see you soon!

[Sano]

My bf kept pushing off our visits for the longest time. He did quite a few time that I just told him Im not getting my hopes up anymore. I didn't give him a ultimatum or anything but he saw how his delaying was hurting my feelings and he finally came out with the truth to why he was hesitating. He said he was scared of meeting up and having to face me not liking him in person. I told him I was scared too but I still wanted to see him. So now we've rescheduled (hopefully) for the last time in August. But we'll see I guess

[agentholli]

I have been in this situation before. Mark always has some excuse to not come see me...i ended the relationship because of it. He doesn't have money, that was always the "main" reason. If your SO has money and still doesn't do it, I would be sooo upset. Men also just don't do things like women do. I am so sorry, I know the feeling and the frustration that you are feeling. It is one of the worse feelings in the world.

[Casey]

I know what it's like to be scared to visit. For mine, we had been in a CDR for 4 1/2 years and had been living together for a year before he moved! I was so scared to go visit him, that I put it off for months. It seems all so trivial now, but I was scared of seeing him, seeing the town I was planning to move to, leaving my puppy for a week (I had basically clung to her while we were in a LDR). I was afraid of all these uncertainies. I didn't want to have to go through another "good bye" etc etc I had a million trivial excuses, but in the end I knew I had to see him. He was lonely in the new town.

There could be a million reasons he is putting it off? Maybe he wants to see how the relationship progresses, maybe its work or school or family? Maybe its just a fear of not knowing how this will affect your relationship? Maybe he is planning on proposing and wants to save for a ring?