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[Amber]

Here is the story!

Called my SO one night because I missed him and I had one of the best nights since I moved away! He was having a horrible night and kept complaining because he doesn't see me for another week instead of this weekend. But...finals are this next week and we both have studying to do! No time to travel back and forth due to studying.

I still blame myself for the pain he feels when I'm gone because it is my fault for why we are in a LDR. But I'm also furthering my education. He did not notice that I was crying when he was talking about how much he wanted to see me and my heart sunk. I asked about homework...he said he had tons and he would be up all night. But...he was going to watch the NFL Draft instead. I said that he should study while the draft is on and he flipped out! He went off on me about how he hates school and he cant wait to move away from all of this state and he doesn't care. I could not take him snapping at me. Time and time again I calm him down and this time he was freaking out on me when I was being 100% supportive. I hung up after crying in silence and him being a jerk.

He did call over and over and left a voicemail apologizing. I cried and passed out. The next morning he called me while I was at work and he texted me saying he was sorry. We had a conversation and he said he is sad he doesn't get to see me all the time and it scares him that when he gets a job out of college that he won't get to see me even once a month.

One thing that he did say was that he wants me to be part of his life. Which is something that he has never voice in this manner before. Which made me feel so much better. Him saying that him freaking out on me like that way does not show that he wants me in his life so he is sorry that he did that. I get it.

We talked some of it out. Not all. But here is the deal....since that happened we have not talked on the phone and hardly even text each other. We usually text each other every night, morning and call at the very end of the night. Since he yelled at me on the phone I just can't get the nerve to call him. Every night since it happened I have sat in bed and tears just roll down my face because I feel hurt. I'm upset over so many other things. I know this comes down to communication and things that we need to talk about but....it seems like we are always doing this. Always having problems like this and then I have that feeling that I can't open up to him the same. Does that make sense? Any advice? Maybe I'm not organizing my thoughts right but I do know that I'm still hurt, and I'm afraid that things will change between us and that it will be hard to talk about it.

UGH! HELP! IDK!

[LadyMarchHare]

First off don't blame yourself for your LDR. Which would you prefer, time apart so you can give yourself a better education and future or time with him and not taking that opportunity? You'd eventually regret it and might have even resented your relationship for it. So just because you chose what you wanted to do regardless of how hard it was going to be on this aspect of your life, do not blame yourself.

If his yelling at you or generally snapping when you try to give advice or support him is a common occurrence then he needs to turn to handle his anger. He can't take it out on you just because you're there or when he doesn't like what you're saying because not only is he communicating badly straight out, he's making you not want to talk to him. I know I wouldn't be calling my SO any time soon if he up and yelled at me on the phone or even in an email. Have you ever expressed to him before how his outbursts hurt you? I'm sure he knows that enough when he's apologizing frantically later but it's easy to say "I'm sorry" to someone and not really mean it. It takes a lot more to say "I was wrong" or "I made a mistake". I'm thinking you two need to work on not just communicating, but how you communicate so that you don't always squabble or push each other away emotionally. But that means he's gotta realize what he's doing wrong and you have to realize what you're doing wrong and a lot of times that's easier said than done.

Nobody wants to be with someone, whether it's a boyfriend/girlfriend or just a friend, they feel they have to walk on eggshells around. If you can't tell him when he's hurt you and he can't tell you more calmly when you've upset him or just when he's frustrated in general, then you're gonna either be as emotionally distant as the stars are to here even if you're sitting in the same room.

[Amber]

Thanks so much for the advice. You are right that no one wants to be with someone that makes them feel that they are walking on eggshells! And when we are together he never snaps at me; in general he never lets his anger out he is not a person to do that, but with finals and graduation and his job taking up his life I understand he gets frustrated, but he shouldnt have taken it out on me. I've never hung up on him in that fashion before so I think it stunned him, and he called me back right away over and over again before i turned off my phone. Idk. I know that I need to speak to him about it, but I just have that feeling of fear to call him and bring this up when he is busy with other things. Just fearful i suppose. And I shouldn't be. First time I've felt this way.

[LadyMarchHare]

Finals are stressful, exams are stressful, school is stressful but just because you're stressed out doesn't mean you can do the verbal equivalent of punching a hole in the wall. What happens down the road when you're together again and he gets stressed out at his job? How you handle your anger is important. And I understand the hesitation to contact him while all this is still going on, perhaps it would be better to wait until all the school stuff is settled and you both can think more clearly so you have less of a chance of that situation being repeated.