My Love's Father Died and Now I am at a loss.

[Lostintime]

Hi Everyone,

I posted awhile back while her father was going through some health problems, questioning advice. But he did pass away and now things have changed.

I feel as though she is distancing herself from me. We used to be so close and talk all the time even while I was at work. We have already met in person and had the most amazing time you could ever imagine. I am saving up to go visit again, but I would like her to come here to the states as well.

Now she is not even online, she'll sit in her living room from what I have been told and won't talk to me. She'll watch TV but won't talk to me. She'll go out with her girlfriend but won't be part of our scheduled day on Sunday anymore. This started going on a bit ago and now is getting worse. But in the beginning she always wanted to know where I was, what I was doing, when I would be back, and want to spend as much time with me as possible. Now she doesn't and well frankly I miss it. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

Should I log off of our chat program or go "invisible" and see if she txts me like she used. That seems wrong to do to, but I read in the forums it is a way to let someone you love miss you.

I know that her father died, and I am grieving as well, because when she is in pain I am in pain to. But I guess I don't know how to be strong. I am very emotional.

She kept saying she was going to get a passport and come visit me, but for one reason or another it seemed she spent the money in other places. I told her, to enjoy herself as much as possible as I know she has had a rough life and money never came easy for her and now she has a job.

Then her father got sick.

At first she was updating me all the time, even crying on the phone with me about everything, but then, she started to distance herself and not call or txt me as much about his illness. Her father and I also became very close, as well as with her mother because we all frequent the same chat areas.

I know that I have to give her space, but I am dying, and I also know that my feelings are probably selfish, but I miss her and fear I will lose her. She has not given me any indication of that, and I know I have to be strong.

It has only been 7 days from when he passed, and I realize that grieving is lifetime.

This woman is the one I want to marry and be with forever, and I just don't have the cash right now to make our dreams into reality. I am scared that I will lose her, and my emotions are running havoc on my mind. I am ready to board a plane to the UK and abandon everything I have in the states. The obvious problem with that is, life would be better here, money is better to make etc. She agreed with me at one point she would come here and stay with me and try it for several months. Now I am just at a loss.

What do I do guys? The pain I am feeling is tearing me apart from the inside. I feel as though I am losing everything........................................ ..................................... Please help. I love her and I'm dying.

[snow_girl]

It's only been a week since her father died! Give her a break! she is probably going through a horrible time right now and is trying to deal with it the best she can. Yes she could be distancing herself from everyone right now, watching tv to keep her mind off it, I wouldn't want to talk to anyone either. Did you ever think that her going out with her girlfriend is maybe her friends idea to help get her mind off things? I would stop worrying, if she needs two or three more weeks to grieve let her. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you she just needs time.
You are making it sound like its been a long time since he died, she missed one scheduled sunday date. If you say you want to marry her then you need to give her this space and be there for her when she is ready to talk or open up.

[Miramaid]

You do not have cash to propose to her? I doubt she will only accept your proposal with a $10000 ring. You can propose and get her a fiance visa and work towards her coming to the USA as your fiancee and get married to you here. All you will need is $ for the visa process and tickets.
A big wedding and a cool ring can come later.
I am sorry if I come out harsh, but I just do not think that "no cash" is an excuse to not get married. Yes there are people who want a big wedding and expensive ring and a dress, but I personally think that is shallow. You marry someone to be together forever and marriage license do not cost much. Tickets and visa do, but that can be worked out if not in a day or two, at least in 6 months it can. But it will give you a goal and perspective on where both of you are going.

I have never been to UK, but I do not think it is that much worse in terms of money than USA. At least she is not from Mexico or Ukraine or Indonesia or smth like that.

My honest guess is that apart from her loss (lets just forget this factor for a minute) she may be loosing faith in that you two will ever be together. She might be thinking that you only feeding her words. I do not know. I know i have been there where I thought and really felt that i was waiting for nothing being stuck in my country and i was right. Everyone needs reassurance and with LDR everyone needs a plan

[Lostintime]

Please,

With all due respect don't attack me. If you read my post fully you would understand this has been ongoing. Not to mention that I am trying to vent. Because it does hurt. I was close to her father as well, we talked every day and it is hurting me I can't talk to the man I confide in. I think your response was unreasonable and frankly, as a member of this forum I am looking to vent my feelings, not get judged. I am about to delete my account and leave.

Thanks for the uplift.

[Lostintime]

Again you don't understand the whole picture. I do not worship money. I am in debt and trying to secure my finances and my parents had suffered cancer for 5 years and I had to take care of them. I am far from shallow, I just want her to have a decent life, and living in a box isn't the way.

You really need to learn how to respond to people and not be judgemental and attack. Especially when I cried out for help......

[Lostintime]

That goes for the both of you. Miramaid and Snowgirl.

Unbelievable, I am off the forum. Thanks for those of you who actually give a damn about someones feelings. And don't use it as a launch point because of your own insecurities and shortcomings.

If that's how you will live your life. you will fail at an LDR and at any relationship. Have some compassion.

Bye for now.

[ioanna]

i am sorry for your loss, both of you.
the only advice i can give you is to give it time. i know from personal experience, everyone grieves differently. your SO is probably withdrawing herself from everyone in order to cope better. maybe you shouldn't expect her to react to things they way you would have... i imagine you must be quite frustrated because you want to be there for her, but sometimes there is nothing you can do. i'm sure she knows how much you care for her, and how upset you are. i'm sure she also knows that she can come to you for support when she feels ready for it.
hang in there...
Hugs!

[Lostintime]

Thank you Ioanna someone who knows what it means to just vent when you have nobody to talk to. <3

[Lostintime]

That's what pains me the most, that I can't comfort her ((((((((((((((((((((

[Lissy]

I doubt any of these ladies set out to attack you, or make you feel attacked. They likely either did not fully understand your post, or were simply being a bit more blunt than you're used to. Also, sometimes text doesn't translate well and we interpret people's words differently than they actually mean them. Since you are feeling vulnerable right now, that could very well be the case. But I don't think you should accuse them of being insecure simply based on their opinions and tell them they will fail at their LDRs as retaliation, even if you are in a fragile state.

Anyway, on to your post. I agree with Ioanna in that your SO just needs time on her own to grieve. Her father died very recently and cutting off contact with the people who care about her right now might be a way of coping. This is not unhealthy unless it is prolonged, it is simply part of the grieving process. If she were to talk to you, you would certainly attempt to comfort her, offer to talk about it, etc., but right now, she might want to just forget. When she is ready to talk about it, I'm sure she'll come to you, as you seem very eager to help her and obviously love her very much. Just be patient and don't smother her, but make yourself available. I'm sorry to hear of her loss, and yours. Good luck.

[ioanna]

i've been in that situation a few times, and this is the part i dread the most in being LD.
my SO is very reserved, and closes up when he is in pain. when we were CD i could always comfort him by little things, like making him his favorite dinner, cuddling and hugging, and just being there to listen when he needed to talk about what had happened.
being LD now, i know he knows what i'd be doing to comfort him, and will reach out for me when he feels ready, but it doesn't take the pain away from not actually being there crying next to him when he is, and not being there saying all those silly things just to smile for an instant...
at times like these, it's the feeling of being utterly powerless that hurts me the most

the only way i've found to remedy from this was to accept the situation as is. trully accept what i felt, and then try and make something positive out of it. for instance, i would sometimes write a letter to send out, or start an art project...
i don't know your story yet, but for me the only consolation i have is that my SO knows he can come to me when needed, and i think your SO does too.

[Lostintime]

Thank you Lissy, and I apologize to both Miramaid and Snow_Girl, and your right they didn't mean to attack me. I do love her, and just its so hard, and I am a bundle of emotions, and its just difficult as you all know in an LDR let alone to deal with things like this. I just wanted to vent and talk, and feel part of a community because it is lonely sometimes. And I am actually talking to her now and I guess I make things worse then they are sometimes.