Confused on what to do? Advice? LDR

[chevan14]

well right now he is all sad. He just told me he is jealous of Joe cause Joe can give me what Jake cant right know (closeness, being able to talk to them in person ect. He told me to give up on him cause hes not worth it. That he doesnt deserve me and and wants me to be happy. I want to be with him, but i also wanna see what happens with Joe. But i know i cant do both. I dunno what to do. Talkin to Joe and Joe takin me out on dates is making Jake jealous and upset. I dont know how to cheer him up. Im tryin to comfort him as much as i can.

[Rach]

I completely agree with PucasKitten

[LadyMarchHare]

well right now he is all sad. He just told me he is jealous of Joe cause Joe can give me what Jake cant right know (closeness, being able to talk to them in person ect. He told me to give up on him cause hes not worth it. That he doesnt deserve me and and wants me to be happy. I want to be with him, but i also wanna see what happens with Joe. But i know i cant do both. I dunno what to do. Talkin to Joe and Joe takin me out on dates is making Jake jealous and upset. I dont know how to cheer him up. Im tryin to comfort him as much as i can.

This might cause a bit more confusion but hear me out. Ask yourself this question: If both Joe and Jake left your life entirely tomorrow, who would you miss more and why? Both guys are a part of your life but both can have different impacts on you and thus mean more in one sense or another.

You mentioned earlier just wanting a guy to make you happy and make you laugh and those sorts of things. Do you get that with Joe? Could you honestly see yourself dating him even if just for a little while? You are right, it's not fair to either guy for you to have them both to some extent. If Joe is the reason Jake is upset then really the only solution to that I can see is telling Joe goodbye but, again, that's your decision. All any of us can do is give advice and voice our opinions, we can't make up your mind for you or tell you who is the better choice for you in the long run because we don't know either guy and we don't know you enough to even begin to know what you would want.

[chevan14]

So i would like to annouce that Jake and i have decided to coninue. After alot of talking and tears, we realized that we just care for eachother way to much to leave. He wanted to leave at points and i was the one sayin no. Then i was the one wanting to end it and he was the one saying we can still do this. We just cant bring ourselves to end it cause we care for eachother way too much. We were alot happier lastnit. I told Jake that he has to improve, and he agreed. He is going to try to do better and be more involved and what not. He says hes going to...well see if he does. The situation about Joe...we have agreed that i will tell him about Jake and my situation when i get the chance. Then after i tell Joe what is all going on, it is his decision if he wants to still talk to me ect. So we are basically playing this by ear and taking things as they come. I just hope Jake does what he said hes going to do, because if he doesnt, then its going to bring everything up again. And most of all...I hope Jake talks to his parents asap about coming up in the summer.

Thanks for all your advice, I'll keep ya'll posted. I like this site cause its all ldr people. Where other sites its people who arent in the same situation and dont understand what you are going through. Thanks

[LadyMarchHare]

You might try instead of sitting back and waiting for any signs of change in Jake, to try and feed him encouragement to sort of give him positive reinforcement about trying. "Hey I appreciate you doing this" or stuff like that. I had a friend who always told me she would change her bad behavior or try something and I learned I had to almost spoonfeed her some confidence to get anywhere.

The best of luck to you and I hope Jake's parents come around.

[chevan14]

I tried everything you guys said. I have been telling Jake how much i appreciate everything he does. I have tried to keep stong and help him. So everything was good on friday, we were happy. But halfway through the nit, hes internet crashed. Then i was waiting for him perdy much all saturday. And he never came on. I asked his friends and they didnt know what was up. This kinda hurt me, because when my computer isnt working or im grounded or something, i call my friend to write him on fb and let him know, so that he can carry on and not wait ect. Well Jake didnt do this, so i sat there concerned. I feel at times that im not worth the phone call to let me know wats up. He hasnt been coming on time, he is about like an hour or wo late. Lastnit was the first time in a long time that he was only 15 min late. He has homework, and i understand. But i do too, and house work, but i get all that done ahead of time so i can talk to him ON TIME. Another thing that i just found out lastnit is that he is slightly depressed. He has never told me this. And i always find this stuff out weeks later, which really bothers me cause its like he cant talk to me. I have told this to him countless times b4, to talk to me about everything that is going on, no matter what. This whole thing with Joe, i dunno if this is bad, but i kinda wanna see what happens, experience what a normal relaitonship is like, get experience. Cause i might not be able to see Jake for a few years. And i read alot lastnit and watched a movie based on ldr, and seeing your SO every 3 months...is not a relationship. I know that many of you guys are doing this, and i wish you luck. But i havent seen Jake once! I might see him for up to 5 years for his school. I dont wanna tell every guy no, if they ask me out, cause i have a boyfriend in the usa...but i have never met him or seen him in person...and we are together, but we arnt? ldr are hard, and i think its taking a towe on me. My friend things that hes not trying. And i have told him that. told him that he has to step it up, show that he really loves me by being serious about the situation, by talking to his parents, looking at flights, something that shows me he is really in this. We cant let eachother go, we have tried. But the one thing i think about, is, wat if i met another guy that happens to treat me way better, isnt lazy, doesnt leave things to the last minute, tells me things, TRYS. I dont wanna waste 5 years telling guys no, and then it not even work out with me and Jake. Im really confused. I feel like riight now i could tell Jake that we need to take a break. But when im actually on cam, i just cant do it. Hes so emotional and so am i. Like prom is this saturday, and i kinda wanna ask Joe to the after party. But i dont wanna lead him on and hurt Jake. Talking to a guy from another country who you havent seen in PERSON for over 15 months...is not a relationship. He knows this, i know this. So why is it so hard to let go of eachother? I dunno wat to do. I want Jake, but i dont in ways cause of how hes not changing. I just want us to be happy again, but that wont happen till he starts doing something like tlaking to his parents. Which sadly i doubt hes gonna do any time soon.

This is a message that Jake sent me on fb that i got this morning, how am i suppose to react to that? Obv it makes me happy, but actions speak louder then words, My friend (guy) thinks hes just saying things i wanna hear so i dont leave. im soooo confused. i think imma turn lesbian soon lol

"Watching your ocean blue eyes stream down tears of saddness is worse than a stab to the heart. I hate making you feel bad because of my own mistakes. You don't deserve a guy like that but Vanessa I truely love you in everyway. I will always think I'm not worth having you but what I always want to give you is happiness nothing else. Your smile is like seeing a glimps of heaven. You are the best thing that has ever happen to me, you comfert me when I need it, seeing you smile and looking at me shows how that I make you happy and that you love me. Everything you do for me Vanessa I love it everything and losing you is losing my lover and I will feel lost in this world. I love you baby so much so very much and I'd give myself up for you for you are worth everything."

I care so much for him that i cant let him go. I think im in love, but i wont b able to really see if i am till i meet him in person. Help. Thanks for you advice in advance

[LadyMarchHare]

If he has depression, even if it's not severe, you have to understand the mindset that comes with it. People with depression, whether it's situational or clinical, are a lot like horses with blinders on. They only see what's in front of them and a lot of times what is in front of them is a mirror that shows themselves and their mistakes. In other words they often only think of themselves because that's all they can see and feel and will in turn subconsciously turn their back on people and avoid them, especially loved ones because the sadness and fear is seen as a weakness, especially in a guy, and they don't want that. Your telling him he needs to up the ante and prove his love most likely is not helping even though to you and your point of view that's what needs to get done. I know how rough it is to go without seeing them in person, to think you'll never get that chance because it seems like no effort is being made. It took me a full year to see my boyfriend and I was only able to see him for 2 1/2 days before he had to go back to work. Yes it is important to see them in person, see how you two interact in the same room, but it doesn't define your love. I also think you're going to find a lot of people will resent your comment about situations like these not being a real relationship. By society's standards they may not be normal or what's preferred and plenty of people hold the opinion that they are fake, but to those that go through them, they are as real as any relationship can and ever will be. You're speaking solely from hurt.

Support Jake and don't take a riding crop to his back. There are ways to encourage he take these necessary steps without feeling like he's being whipped into doing it, which will ultimately make him pull away and hesitate more than get it done faster. You want a man who will treat you right and make you happy, you have him but you're not acknowledging it because there happens to be a mileage problem. Yes, it blows that you can't right now experience the "normal" dating scene, but ask yourself: is Jake worth the wait? If you found out you couldn't touch him until 5 years from now no matter who flew to who, would you be willing to wait? If your honest to God answer is "no", you need to let him go and move on because you're not doing either one of you any favors by continuing on in something you can't even call real. Yes it is very much easier said than done, but honey if life was easy we wouldn't have long distance relationships, all our soulmates would be living next door.

[chevan14]

The comment that i made about MY RELATIONSHIP not being a real realationship is what i ment. Everyone has their own opinions. For ME, i feel that since Jake and I have never met, and never get to see eachother, is not a "normal" relationship. I agree with what you said. It gives me alot to think about. You asked me if right now, i didnt have the chance to see Jake for 5 years, if i could still wait for him. My answer to that would be, i would, but i dont think for 5 years i could do that. But...if he came to see me in the summer, my answer would change. It would change because i can actually miss the physical Jacob, how he touches me, kisses me, hugs me, talks to me, how he smells ect. so it would be alot harder and id be 100% sure about him. But since as of right know, i dont think i could if he didnt see me sometime soon, just cause it would be easier to let him go cause i cant miss all those other things he offers me. Right know, he offers me someone to talk to, laugh, comfort ect. Its hard to explain how im thinking about this. But to sum all that up, if Jake came and saw me in the summer, i would wait for him. If he didnt, i dont think i could. Just because i have to be 100% sure about him, meetin him in person would help that. Some people dont need to see their SO in person to be 100% sure they love them, wanna be with them, but i do. Everyone is differernt. I have to decide between Jake, who i care so much for, we have so many things in person, he understands me, makes me laugh, loves me, but lives in another country, which makes everything so much more complicated. Or...Joe a guy that is interested in me at school, very nice, funny, respectuful ( i still need to get to know more about him) and can be there for me, like really be there for me in person. The only thing is, well im just going to be very blunt about this, but Jake and I are very dirty minded lol. We laugh alot cause we are simular in that way. We can confortably talk about anything sexual. But with Joe, only knowing him for a few weeks, i dunno if id be able to be my dirty-minded self. Just cause hes very farm boy, gentleman, old fashioned...redneck lol. I dunno how he would take it, or if he would even like it. But that is part of my personality.

Is it bad that a part of me wants to see what happens with Joe and I? I dunno if i should talk to Jake about taking a break because i do wanna see what happens with Joe. But i dont wanna hurt Jake in the process. He knows that we are both single, we agreed that we can date ect so we dont miss out on those experiences. He can go date as well, but he isnt even trying. He thinks that no girl will like him or be attracted to him. Im really confused. I need POSITIVE feedback please. Some who agrees with me, rather then against me, or just someone that understands what i am going through. Thanks everyone

[LadyMarchHare]

I think you missed the point of my question but I think you answered it anyway. I meant if you couldn't see him at all for 5 years, as in not one visit beforehand and not one during. You said you could wait on the condition you got to see him, but not if you couldn't. And I am well aware everyone is different, I've been on the forum long enough to see people who have shot to see the person within a month or two of dating to make sure everything was worth the pain and the physical distance and I've also seen people who have gone several years without ever touching. Everyone's needs regarding the physical aspect of a relationship are different. But I still stand by my previous comment about you talking about this sort of relationship not being real. Just because it's happening to you and not someone else does not make it any more special or insignificant. You are in a relationship, there is distance between you.

What you're describing to me as far as what your relationship is defined as between Jake and you is more an "open relationship", which is where two people are dating but they will see other people as well, just not on a serious note. Several long distance couples have done it to let the other keep options open as well as sate any sexual needs that arise when they aren't there. The key to these relationships though is you have to trust your partner and not become jealous. If you think this would be more beneficial to you and Jake rather than splitting up or taking a break so you can go out with Joe, then maybe do some research on the subject and get his opinion and talk about it. They don't have to stay open forever, many will become "exclusive" after a certain point or when they are ready to be with the one person and take it to the next level. That could be something you two could do after meeting or whenever you feel more serious.

I will point out that I am not here to badger you, harass you, or hurt your feelings. You asked for help and opinions, I am giving mine. You don't have to agree with it but you can't expect people to pat you on the head and spoonfeed you, either. We're a forum made for support and people have different methods on how to give help. Me, I am blunt and perhaps more harsh than some other members but I am genuinely trying to help you sort out your predicament.

[Lissy]

I think it'd be in your best interest to read LadyMarchHare's advice objectively, and really think about what she's saying instead of feeling attacked. I know that's hard when you're under pressure, but her advice is good and extensive, and she's offering you a lot of guidance.

Personally, to put it bluntly, I think you need to pick one or let both of them go. It doesn't sound like you're completely committed to an LDR with Jake at this point. While it seems like he's really into you, you can't help but ask yourself if a close distance relationship will be more fulfilling (not saying that you're not into Jake, too, because it's obvious you care for him a great deal). And that's fine. LDRs are hard and they aren't for everyone, but having both of these guys waiting around for you isn't the best time to do some deep soul-searching of whether or not you can handle the long distance. That, and it's obviously taking a lot out of you, and that's not really fair to you either.

[chevan14]

Sorry if my comment came out that way. I do know that you guys are only tryin to help me, and i understand that. Thank you. I think Jake and i sorted everything out. Im pretty happy i must say. Sorry again, i guess im just under pressure and stressed. We agreed that i can see how things go with Joe. Right now we are playing things by hear. We are still gonna talk everyday.

[chevan14]

Hey everyone!
So heres an update on Jake and me .
First off, Joe...well hes been talking to me for days. And then the other day he asked me to be his gf in a werid way. I was put on the spot and didnt know what to say, so said "sure". But then later that night, i was on fb, gonna change my relationship status. Joe was online. And i was talking to him, after everything i said he kept saying "lol". I told him how nervous i was about this whole thing and he again wrote, "lol". So i got to thinking. Do i just want this relationship because i want a boyfriend? Am i doing this for the right reasons? Will Joe make me happy? Most of my friends kept saying to me to just do it and be with him. BUt after our little covo on fb, i realized that if im gonna have a boyfriend, he has to be able to talk to me, like really talk to me. Not just say lol all the time. I like Joe, he makes me laugh, but just they way he is, i dont think id be able to show him off to my family and say, "im proud of this". I changed the relationship status on fb cause he was asking me how to do it so he could do it. But it took me the longest time to push it, to publish it. WHen i finally did, for some reason, i felt extremly nervous, i felt sick to my stomach, and i couldnt stop shaking. It just didnt seem right. Ya he is the only guy that has every tried to be with me "in person". But i want to be with someone that i really really like, and want to be with, not just go with someone so that ill have a boyfriend and have that physical part in a realtionship that i dont have with Jake. Anyways, long story short, the next day i took him out to lunch and we talked for a bit. Then i told him my situation, how i was feeling and that i think we should just be friends. He looked bumed but said he was ok. I felt bad because he wasted his time on me for almost 4 weeks. But we were both trying to get to know eachother, so i did learn sometihng. He took it pretty good, we talked for a while about his family and just random topics. I felt releaved, because all that night i was debating what to do, i didnt want to hurt him in the future but i also wanted to get into a relationship. But through this whole expreience with Joe, iv realized how much i Love Jake, and how much i click with him. I couldnt see myself making a poem, a drawing, a letter for Joe expressing my feelings like i do with Jake all the time. I wouldnt want to do those kind of things for him.

Anyways...i was my first relationship for 24 hours lol. I still feel bad, really bad. But everyone told me that its for the best and that ill find someone because im amaziing and just a caring girl. I hope thats true. Jake resently has been told that hes parents got him a job for the summer. He needs one and couldnt find one on his own. Well hes dad said that he would be working at a camp for the whole summer, helping kids get their badges. This job is in wisconsin. So closer to me, but he wouldnt be able to see him cause he has to work. Im happy about this, because Jake has a job, it will be a good experience for him and hell be getting $1000 for doing it. We were sad, cause we wont be able to talk. But he said he comes bk for july 4th for that whole week. So we can talk. HIs boss called him yesterday and told him all the detials....and when he has to leave. Hes leaving June 11th. So we have a few weeks. We are helping eachother a great deal though, not lettin the other person think about it cause they will get all emotional and it wont solve anything. We are just gonna enjoy the weeks that we have. He said that he promises hes gonna send my gifts from bk in December and January b4 he leaves .

Oh, and some other news. So on my prom night, Jake told me that when i leave, hes gonna ask his parents about coming up to Canada in the summer to see me. We finally got our answer after 15 months. A answer we didnt want. It was a no . In ways we prepared ourselfs for the worst, so we didnt get emotional about it. We just talked. IM happy with how things are. I just hope that in the summer, i meet a really nice guy and see where things go. Jake is planning to come up next summer, but we can never be too sure.

I know we will get through all this...we always do Im glad i have him in my life, and i can happily say, he has changed my life for the better and made me a better person .

So heres an update on our situation. Its gonna be harder after 2 weeks, not being able to talk to him for months. But thats what long distance relationships are all about lol. Its not easy. We all know that. Im not giving up that easily, hes worth it Good luck on all your ldr !!