She's making me crazy - Some help with arguing

[Xandal]

I know I'm new and requesting help before participating elsewhere isn't usually my thing, but this can't wait. We need help. I need help.

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a bit over a year now, and I've known her for 2. We originally met in person and have spent a lot of time together in person, but we still have to deal with the distance more often than not. She's 16 and I'm 18. This is our first relationship on both accounts. We fight often, most of the time about very petty things, and we've fought ever since the relationship got past the 3 month mark. However, lately it has been getting extremely heated and is becoming a terror in our relationship. I'm actually posting this right after one of our worst ones. A small note before I get in to the discombobulated details; most of our arguments start in the ways listed but turn in to things that are much worse and sometimes are even pointless or stupid.

Like stated previously, it's usually small things. But, lately, it has been getting worse. Much worse. From my point of view it seems to be all initiated by her. Whether it be the way she acts, what she says, or just her starting to argue. We started arguing because I believe she is extremely ignorant and thinks she's perfect. It started as so... She came back from doing something, and as promised I had a conversation topic ready. (Actually, I had her wait a few minutes because I was still reading the last answer to a question on this site.) I began to tell her some of the suggestions from the answers in the FAQ area, and also what I believed to be a major issue in why we argue so often. She, quickly, started to get very defensive and act like she did or never has done anything wrong. She even claimed that she constantly said those things (I believe that she has never, ever done so.) The point we were arguing about, specifically, was the "stop surfing the net" while talking thing. She claims that she never does anything while we talk, or never surfs while we're having trouble getting the conversation started or keeping it alive. I know for a fact that she has, because I can hear the keyboard and mouse going in the background, and she does it in person sometimes as well. This turned in to much more.

It quickly became me speaking of her ignorance and her "I'm perfect" attitude. It happens every time we get in to a fight. If I calmly speak and try to tell her something she is like a wall. Nothing gets through to her. While fighting, I tell her the things that were bugging me, why I think it started, what I think she's done wrong... And all I ever get is an "Okay" or silence. On occasion I'll get an apology, but that's normally after an extended period of arguing in which she gets tired of acting like a mule. And more often than not, the apology is sarcastic. Even in situations where we take time off to cool down and come back she still gives me this cold shoulder type attitude. I try to explain my reasoning, my thoughts, and how it hurt me. All I ever get is silence, okays, or whatevers (except in the very rare case in which she gives a real response). Why is it that I can't get her to express herself? Why won't she open up to me or believe a word I say? She assumes she's always right and is the perfect girlfriend.

The fight only got worse, old issues began to arise. One specifically, the main one, was about how she doesn't let me have time to myself. I enjoy playing games with my friends who are all in faraway places because of College. It's great guy time, and since I'm not in school right now, it's all I have. I enjoy talking with my buddies about the things she hates hearing about, and love playing things that entertain me. She just refuses to let go of me though, even if it's only for an hour. I have even adopted the respectful notion of asking her if she was okay with me going for a bit, and even when she says it's okay, she gets all depressed, gives me the cold shoulder when I get back, or complains about how we never talk or do things together. And recently, it's been even worse. Sometimes I can't work because the weather is bad and when she gets home from school I'm in the middle of doing something with my friends... Well, that all goes downhill. Even if the second we're done doing whatever I rush to talk to her, she is pissed off at me for "deciding to play/hang even though I knew she was getting home from school". I should not have to spend every waking moment talking with her! And all she has to say to me about this is that I should entertain her because she's bored. She can't entertain herself at all and expects me to do it for her every night for 6+ hours. And, in respect for her, I've even pushed that guy time past her bed time and decided that it would be better off that way... But she complains about me going to sleep too late (even though I wake up early to talk to her while she's on the bus even though I could still get another hour or more of sleep).

I'm losing my mind. I can't stand not having time for myself, and when I do decide to just deal with her acting depressed, using a not caring tone, giving me the cold shoulder, or even just being plain POed with me... I can hardly enjoy what I'm doing, or the feeling of having a good time ends the second I start talking with her again. She's always right, I'm always wrong, and she even says this. I can't stand the fights that happen all the time. Mainly because I have time to myself, but also because if we're not talking constantly she gets depressed and when she decides to just sign off, turn off her phone, and make her self unavailable to me just because I wanted to do something with friends.

I need help, no... We need help. We can't continue fighting or we won't last. I love this girl to death and she loves me, we want to last. She refuses to ask for help, so (even though it's behind her back)... I'm asking. Someone please help us stop fighting.

Also, as a last statement. I am not at all claiming to be perfect myself, and I admit to making mistakes. I do some things that warrant her anger and when I realize it, I apologize and try to do something to make up for it. I'm human, I screw up, I know it... She doesn't.

(Oh wow, sorry for such a long post :<)

[MadMolly]

She sounds like she is very immature relationship-wise and she needs to understand that you are *not* there to please her - you are your own person and you *both* need to spend time on your own activities. There is nothing wrong with talking every day but when it becomes 6+ hours every day and you *must* entertain her I can understand that you'd be pretty overwhelmed. You need to tell her that you have your own life and it does not revolve around her (and hers should not revolve around you, either). If she can't entertain herself, that is her problem not yours! You sound like you are putting in a ton of effort and all you're getting back is bad moods and fighting and she needs to realise that and be nicer and more understanding to you. Perhaps you could show her this post after a few people reply and she might see it from an outsider's perspective.

[lunamea]

Welcome to the site!

Hm, truly sounds really difficult. First off, though, the only people who can make you stop fighting is the two of you. We here offer advice, but in the end, it's you and your gf who have to find compromises you both can live with. And finding compromises you should, I think. 6+ hours strikes me as a lot if you have other things going on in your life (school, work) and it seems to me a lot of the problems you mentioned come from this. I know that you typed your post right after the fight and you were still agitated, so I hope that you're not talking to her that way if you want to achieve something. Be as gentle as possible and try to see her side of things... going from close distance to long distance is obviously very hard and it's understandable she's clingy. Tell her that you're unhappy about the way things are at the moment, but don't threaten her with a breakup. You phrase it nicely when you say that "we need help" - I would continue that rhetoric and not make it seem like she's creating the problems by herself. She obviously expects different things from the relationship you do, but that doesn't mean you can't find compromises together. I don't know if you're talking all the time or doing other stuff (gaming, watching movies online, doing homework) together, but if you try only talking for that long a time, I think it can get very exhausting. I'd rather set a time for talking (pure f2f talking without surfing the internet etc.) and then - with mutual consent - going on to doing other stuff, while still online, if possible. Hope that helps somewhat...

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

I'm with MadMolly on the immaturity relationship-wise. It sounds like you're putting A LOT of effort into this. Idk, this is tough one for me. I expect the SO to talk to me every night, that's just because he's in the Army and we have that opportunity right now. I also understand he needs his game time/guy time. It's his stress relief and there isn't a whole lot to do around base. When he explained all his game time this way, I was much more understanding about it. We do try to plan things more often now. I know he needs his game time and has a lot of friends who play, but I also want MY time with him, so I'll tell him before hand and we kind of schedule it.

Have you tried explaining to her WHY you like playing your game. She doesn't sound like she's all that flexible with the time she expects from you, but MAYBE it would help. She sounds like she's being a bit clingy. And if it's a constant thing, it's not healthy. You both need to be your own people too and do your own thing. Idk. My one suggestion would be to tell her why you like playing your game. Its not that you don't want to talk to her, but you just need some you time too. I was more understanding when he explained why he "needed" to play. And on those bad days I let him play with out complaining about it, and when I'm having a bad day he'll usually spend a little less time playing and more talking to me. You two need some BALANCE! Well good luck, wish I had more advice.

[Frank]

Hi Xandal,
Lunamea has a good idea of having some dedicated time only talking together. Then, act like you are just 'hanging out' and both surf the net or do other things while talking.
It is a good way to get 100% attention. Then, allowing her to not have to pretend like she isn't surfing the net while you are talking.

Your post is full of reasons why you do not like this girl. Other than the fact that you know she loves you, I really don't feel like you stated why you are with her.
Please share with us the reasons you are her SO. What is the reason that you are wanting to stay together? I know that can be a hard question to answer if you really think about it. And you don't have to share every personal reason, but think about it for yourself. Finding the real reasons you are with someone can help change your attitude towards a person.
I bet you go into almost every conversation 'waiting' for a fight. You know that it is going to come. So you are ready for it. However, this could inadvertently contribute to a fight. Your subtle tone, certain remarks. Who knows what happens. But I do know that the attitude you take into a conversation totally affects the outcome. That is why they tell customer service agents on the phone to always smile before answering the phone.
MadMolly is also right in that it seems your girl is immature in this relationship. Is this her first relationship? How old is she? While you may have a point that she is acting like a wall or a mule, telling her that in those words will not get your point across to her.
Keep in mind that fighting is not about "winning" a fight or "losing" a fight. Fights are healthy, but the mind-frame that there is a winner or a loser is not good. You want a mutually advantageous outcome.
Finally, I am not surprised when you said 3 months after the relationship started is when things started going downhill. That 3 month period is known as the 'romance phase'. You can look that up to better understand it. But it is essentially a period of time before you start to learn their flaws, so everything seems perfect.
If you are in love with her, you are in love with her flaws. And maybe it is a flaw that she "thinks she is perfect". You can't convince someone that truly believes that, that they are not. You have to find a way to rationalize it in your own head.

Welcome to the site. I hope browsing the forums will help you

[folclor]

heh, I'd chalk it up to immaturity. You said she's 16, right? Most 16 year olds are not in the right mindset to truly comprehend, enjoy, or thrive in a strong, lasting relationship (note, this is just from my observations of classmates in the past, I didn't have a relationship until I was 18 so I don't know from experience). She's a girl, so she automatically wants to spend more time with you than you likely want to spend with her (it's just the natural order of things, I guess), and she's 16 so it doesn't always make sense to her that you need space and time away (unless it's something she wants to do at the moment). Honestly, it probably is just the maturity difference. If I were you I'd try to do one of three things: keep on in your relationship, slowly cutting down on the hours y'all talk until you're both older and more mature; take a few steps back and keep her as a close friend until y'all are older and can try it again; or keep a tenuous romantic relationship until you're older and can see things with more maturity. Fact is, two years isn't that big of an age difference but when you're younger it's a huge maturity difference. I'm sorry I'm not much help. =/ I wish y'all the best, though.

[Xandal]

Thank you everyone, for everything you have offered. I'm a bit... Specific with my responses. So I'll respond to everyone.

To MadMolly:

I honestly can not show her this page. This was done "behind her back" as she does not like help from other people. But, it's my life too and I love being with her so I'm doing what I can. I try to put in a lot, and trying to hang with her for 6 hours is a lot when she refuses to try new things. And it is very overwhelming when, on top of getting stuff ready for college, work, family, friends, I have to try and please her almost constantly or she will complain to me about being bored and then get depressed (and I honestly can't stand that mood so I try what I can to help). I read it was a suggestion to just take a day off sometimes and have a day to yourself and talk the next day for improved conversation, but we've tried that before and she was just POed the next day enough to not want to talk. And that's good advice, I play because they are my friends and I enjoy it. I can zone, have fun, talk with friends, and just temporarily forget about the daily stress everyone gets.

To lunamea:

I wasn't necessarily asking for one of you to make us stop fighting, just asking for advice. But, I'm guessing you knew that :P Anyway, to the main point I liked in your post. Recently I've had lots of money to play around with and have had lots of off time. I've spent time with her in person at least once a month for about 2 weeks for about 3 months now. Do you think that maybe is a reason for the increased fighting? Because the increased there and away thing? I do try to phrase it nicely, but when I get too mad I slip and it comes out all wrong. I'd much rather do this when I'm calm, but whenever I try that she just wants to "enjoy the good time" before we argue. I would love to compromise, but I don't think she understands where I want her to give.

To BJL:

The clingy thing is constant. She expects a good morning conversation and then an hours worth before I have to get ready for work via text, and then 2 hours worth of texting around 2. After that I get home and all she wants to do is sit on Skype and chat, but most daily conversation is gone and stressing my mind to think of topics is a pain in the butt. Plus, I'd really enjoy some relaxation, maybe even a power nap at that time. And like I said, if I try to leave once I get home, she gets upset which is ridiculous. Balance and compromise... If only we could get that right. I'll try to work something out with her.

To Frank:

Well, wasn't expecting an admin to comment... But I do really like the question "Why are you with her?" My answer to that is difficult to think of actually. It's not at the top of my head, but after straining my brain a bit I realize that I like almost everything about her. She's very much like me, but is just more immature (although she refuses to believe it and says she's VERY mature... The immature comment was actually stated in another relationship help forum). I thoroughly enjoy doing things with her, dates are very fun, walks with her are a great experience, she makes me laugh and makes me happy when I'm down, and she's just a very nice person. I could probably think of more, but it is truly late... Time has slipped my mind tonight. I will probably offer up the idea of a set time to talk with each other, she actually suggested that a long time ago and it never made it past a few sessions. And yes, I think I've stated this is her first relationship and it is mine as well. I'm not fighting to win, we argue for a reason I'm not so sure of... Probably because we're both stressed out and things set us off. It's easier to fight with someone you know won't leave you for it than with someone who you risk losing as a friend... I guess. I'll try to get a compromise, and I think I'll be able to offer something she won't get mad at or complain about... Just gotta polish the idea.

To Marian:

I personally think she's immature and even more so around certain friends of hers, but she refuses to believe it and thinks she's as an adult. It's not that I don't want to spend time with her, it's just that when conversation is lacking or when we've both exhausted topics it's nice to take a break. Of the three suggestions, I don't understand the first, the second just wouldn't work for either of us because of how we are, the third... I don't like the idea of time fixing it, I'm losing my head here and I know for a fact she's not doing much better.

Thank you for your help everyone, a bit of the answers could be combined because of the similar comments. I'm calmer now than before (of course), and noticed I made her sound terrible... Not my goal, just how I could best express it. She's a good girl, I know it.

Anyway, I'm going for the night. Bye bye~

P.S - What's SO stand for?

[Veiled_Dreamer]

SO stands for significant other. =]

Definitely sounds like an immaturity issue to me. Basically all I can do is agree with what's been said. >.> My SO and I will do things together, but separately. Like, we'll both be doing homework, but different homework obviously, even though we're sitting there with the IM window open so we can talk if we feel the urge. You have to have your own life outside of her. It's not healthy to have your life revolve around eating, sleeping, breathing, and her. If you constantly feel like you have to please her, you'll feel exhausted after a while (like you do now, I bet) and like you must talk to her. We have a tendency to not do the things we feel we MUST do. You should be with her because you want to be, not because you have to be or else she'll get angry. I think the best thing to do is have a discussion about this. Maybe, write her a letter about how you feel, so she can't interrupt you? Consider the reasons you're in the relationship; Frank is right, maybe encourage her to figure out why you guys are together too. Another thing I've realized I've done before is "you" statements. They never help. Instead of saying "you always act like you're perfect, and you're not!" maybe try, "I feel like you think you're perfect, but we're all human, and we make mistakes." Putting into perspective that this is what you think, not the cold hard truth, can help her be more accepting.

[Zephii]

Hey, welcome to the forums!

First off, there's a really easy thing you can do while speaking to diffuse a lot of hurt. Try to always say "I feel..." instead of "you're doing this..". Sometimes the meaning is the same, like "I feel like I'm a lower priority than your friends" means the same as "You spend too much time with your friends and not enough with me" but is less likely to make the other person defensive. Try to sound more like you're asking your gf for help and less like you are acusing her of stuff.

Secondly, I think you're doing the right thing by getting advice. Relationships of any sort are not easy, especially when it's your frist one and you don't know what to expect, what is reasonable etc. She needs to understand that the amount of time she expects from you is not reasonable. It is very unhealthy for the relationship for you to not maintain seperate interests and friendships, it's bad for you as individuals and stops you having new and interesting things to your conversations. You need to find a gentle way to tell her this.

She also needs to understand that in an adult relationship where you are both living together and working this sort of constant attention is simply not do-able. My sugestion is to use skype as a tool to erase the distance factor, allowing you to act as though you are living together. Generally when you live together you are in the same space but doing different things. Occasionally you'll speak or share something of interest, but there isn't a lot of constant natter. My SO Obi and I used this technique, as it was a progression from the written role-plays our relationship was founded on. We spoke and acted like we were in the same house instead of different countries. We'd get dinner together, sleep together and have our deep conversation time, but there was a lot of time we were on the headsets but doing our own things because it's just not practical LD or CD to do everything together.
I understand your gf's neediness because I suffer much the same thing. She just misses you and wants to be with you but doesn't yet have the maturity or experience to deal with it in a more healthy way.

You mentioned that she wants more of your time but wont try new things. That makes it terribly difficult! Generally to get around this problem with Obi I will suggest whatever it is well in advance of wanting to do it. I'll say "I was thinking today that it'd be cool if we could <do something>, I know that's a bit odd but I was hoping you might think about it for a while..." having good reasons already prepared can come in handy too.

I'm not sure if this was at all useful but it's 7am so I have an excuse lol. I wish you all the best of peace love and carrots!

[lunamea]

To lunamea:

I wasn't necessarily asking for one of you to make us stop fighting, just asking for advice. But, I'm guessing you knew that :P Anyway, to the main point I liked in your post. Recently I've had lots of money to play around with and have had lots of off time. I've spent time with her in person at least once a month for about 2 weeks for about 3 months now. Do you think that maybe is a reason for the increased fighting? Because the increased there and away thing? I do try to phrase it nicely, but when I get too mad I slip and it comes out all wrong. I'd much rather do this when I'm calm, but whenever I try that she just wants to "enjoy the good time" before we argue. I would love to compromise, but I don't think she understands where I want her to give.

Yeah, I knew you don't expect us to actually make you stop fighting.
As for the going-back-and-forth frequently thing: I definitely think it's possible that she's clingy because of this. It always takes some time to adjust to you being there or you being away and if you're visiting quite often, I guess she never really gets over the "mourning that you're away stage". For me, that stage lasted several weeks last time and I only stopped being depressed and started focusing on my life here instead of thinking about my SO and how much I miss him all the time after that. It might sound weird, but I think it's not too far-fetched to say that the more you are there, the more she will want you to be there always.

It's strange that you say that whenever you're not fighting, your gf will just want to "enjoy the good time" and not talk about the problems because my husband is the same!! He's just like "we're both in a good mood now - let's forget about the past". It might work out for a short time, but ultimately, you'll be back where you left off fighting if you never talk things through and never reach a compromise. It's also very frustrating to come back to the same issues over and over again, so a calm talk about everything that bothers you will certainly improve things.

I think your problem is mostly one of "quantity over quality" - perhaps you could argue that you'd rather spend 2 hours laughing and talking to her in a nice way than 6 hours of fighting... surely, you don't feel the same every day and sometimes, the conversations will be just "blah", despite the efforts, but that's life. I'd still prefer a shorter, interesting conversation to a long one where I get tired of talking and listening to the other person and can't think of anything to say.

[Mio]

You must have a serius talk about it, she must understand the word Respect more!