He is driving me crazy

[vpavelock]

So I decided to get back together with my bf after I realized he was really trying to change, but now he is being so needy and psycho obsessed with me that I'm going to scream. He just doesn't get that I can't handle it and I have my own life. What do I do to get through to him?

[LadyMarchHare]

My best friend had the same issue with her last LDR relationship after their first (and only) visit fell through and he ended up sitting in jail for 2 weeks. He was calling her almost every hour to find out where she was, who she was with, and if she didn't answer the phone he left messages saying he was going to commit suicide if she didn't return his calls. If he found out she was talking to/around another guy he would call her a slut and accuse her of being unfaithful. Weirdly enough in the middle of all this he tried proposing to her (he had asked me to get her ring size the year before so I knew he wanted to marry her) but she turned him down and left him. For maybe a month after he harassed the both of us by IMing us with different usernames but then it suddenly stopped. I have no idea what happened to him, personally I don't care.

If he is practically up your butt 24/7 with "me me me" on his mind, he needs to be reminded that just because you took him back doesn't mean he gets a bottle in his mouth and your total, undivided attention. There is no way you can possibly be in constant contact with him to relieve any fears, rational or not, he might have nor can you be expected to see after him like he's 2. He's a grown man, he needs to act like one and if he can't trust you enough to leave you alone for a few hours so you can have a life outside of changing his diaper then he either needs counseling or to not be in a relationship. It's hard to rationalize with someone when they take on that clingy, obsessive attitude because to them it's logical, they believe they have a right and a reason to act that way. Even if it's just with a friend, stuff like that isn't healthy. You can't put a leash and a GPS system on someone and expect them to be okay with it.

[Tanja]

I think you need to tell him to back off or you're over with him - obsessive behavior won't make this relationship last and he needs to understand it. If not, then move on cause it's not healthy for either of you.

[XX, Lexi]

I agree. You gotta tell your boyfriend to back off and realize that you need to live your life sometimes, as he needs to live his. That's one of the reason me and my old SO broke up, because he was being way too possessive about me and flipped out even when I went to go to the store and I couldn't handle it anymore. It's not healthy in the least and if he doesn't back off, then ending it would be best.

[Moon]

So I decided to get back together with my bf after I realized he was really trying to change, but now he is being so needy and psycho obsessed with me that I'm going to scream. He just doesn't get that I can't handle it and I have my own life. What do I do to get through to him?

Hate to say it, but most people can't change that quickly. He only said that, and made sure to appear that way, until he got you back. In other words, he manipulated you and it worked, so now he thinks it's easy. I think, until he grows up A LOT, you aren't going to get through to him. He's too selfish to think about you not being able to handle it, because he's too wrapped up in his own obsession. If you broke up once because of this, got back together and the problem still exists, I hate to sound harsh, but it sounds like you need to walk away for good. Sometimes (and I said sometimes) these are the kind of guys that become dangerous, and not in a good way. That type of jealousy and possessiveness, where you can't do anything without him up your ass, is neither healthy, nor romantic. Put your foot down, and don't put up with it.

[Caitlin2009]

Hate to say it, but most people can't change that quickly. He only said that, and made sure to appear that way, until he got you back. In other words, he manipulated you and it worked, so now he thinks it's easy. I think, until he grows up A LOT, you aren't going to get through to him. He's too selfish to think about you not being able to handle it, because he's too wrapped up in his own obsession. If you broke up once because of this, got back together and the problem still exists, I hate to sound harsh, but it sounds like you need to walk away for good. Sometimes (and I said sometimes) these are the kind of guys that become dangerous, and not in a good way. That type of jealousy and possessiveness, where you can't do anything without him up your ass, is neither healthy, nor romantic. Put your foot down, and don't put up with it.

a big ditto to all that, people change but not that fast in a short amount of time!

[rivi87]

I understand your frustration....In all honesty I could never deal with a SO smothering me over phone or computer...It would really bug me that obviously he has trust issues...I mean LDRs are hard enough without that. I mean no matter how much I Liked someone..I would never have the energy to either do that or put up with it :P

[Shaylon]

If things are going that roughly, you've really got to open your mind to him and tell him your feelings on all of it, very firmly if nothing else is working. I agree that its hard for people to change behavioral issues when they're this severe so constantly, but if the relationship matters enough to him, he'll listen when you address these issues toh im and hopefull work towards changing to better your guys' relationship.

[vpavelock]

Thank you everyone. Yesterday I had an awful headache and he was bugging me and I decided I didn't want it back, and I wanted to stop stringing him along as soon as possible but he got very... drastic and I didn't know how to handle it so long story short we're still together, meanwhile I'm starting to be interested in another guy that i had talked to while me and him were not dating, so I REALLY need to cut him loose, but I don't know how. My life is a mess! aahhh

[LadyMarchHare]

Correct me if I'm wrong but you said the reason you two got back together was because he was getting "drastic" and you didn't know how to handle it? If that's true, that's basically the worst thing you could've done.

[vpavelock]

Yea.. uhm I'm feeling kind of stuck.

[LadyMarchHare]

I assume by drastic he was probably threatening self harm or suicide? I've known a lot of people with exes who use the same tactic thinking the fact they take them back means they love them when in reality it's just to get them to stop and you feel like you've got no other option.

If that's the way he went and you have the means to contact any family or friend of his, I would notify them about how he acted and that while you no longer have feelings for him romantically you still care and want to see him safe and unharmed. If he does hurt himself, you are not to blame because you didn't plant the madness in him and if it wasn't with you it'd be with someone else. Guilt's a nasty, underhanded tactic to use but, well, it does work.

[Moon]

Hey, seriously, go to your parents and if that's not possible, another older relative who would know how to help you with this. I know it sounds lame as hell, but do it, and keep yourself safe. I don't have a good feeling about this guy.

[LadyMarchHare]

Hey, seriously, go to your parents and if that's not possible, another older relative who would know how to help you with this. I know it sounds lame as hell, but do it, and keep yourself safe. I don't have a good feeling about this guy.

My next suggestion would be calling the cops in his area and notifying them of the erratic behavior.

[vpavelock]

His campus, his parents, his friends, his RA, etc. have been contacted about it various times. His family is too far away to physical do anything, but they've been checking up on him more and all, his campus watched over him once but after that they don't care. He almost admitted himself to the hospital for being suicidal but noone would drive him there. I really feel like no matter who I contact it doesn't really get through to anyone.