Best Tactics for Dealing with Minor Tiffs?

[Lunar Snow]

Well, I guess maybe we are talking too much or something? We ended up having a minor tiff tonight and I think it was silly, but I still feel kind of confused by how we reacted and wondered if you all had some suggestions. (Skip to the part at the end in stars, if you don't want to read it all).

I was trying to upload an episode of something (which is a show I like much more, but got him kind of into when I visited him) into Dropbox, so that he could watch it without having to download it or without having to watch a million commercials (last time we tried to watch it, the connection kept cutting out and so every time he re-loaded his stream, he had to watch 5 minutes worth of commercials--it was really frustrating for both of us) and it was taking beyond a ridiculous amount of time (I think it is still trying to upload). I was wondering why it was taking so long and he finally, somewhat reluctantly, suggested that he could maybe brave the commercials or I could send him a link for the torrent. I countered that the amount of commercials were disastrous last time and, for the latter, he didn't download stuff and I wouldn't want to make him get a torrent client either. He replied that he does use it and often for "legitimate" purposes.

So...I started to tease him about him actually using torrents and maybe I took it too far, because he said to me that it was really bothering him that I was teasing him. Well, gosh! Maybe I was being a little annoying, but I was genuinely surprised that for all he frowns on me for doing it sometimes and he claims that he never does, suddenly he does use it? I was just trying to help him so that we could have a decent date together without interruption.

I fought kind of dirty, though, because I became irritated and reminded him that I told him I didn't like it when he was making faces at me for most of a Skype date last week and didn't stop when I asked him to, so was it fair for him to get this mad at me for teasing him? I told him not to go to bed too mad at me to end things on a light note, as I felt that we needed not to talk on the phone at the point. He laughed a bit and did wish me sweet dreams, but I could tell he was still ticked.

It's all just so silly and I don't really understand why he should care so much that I tease him a bit about a computer use that he claimed he didn't do. Or, if he wants me to hold to not teasing him, then why can't he do the same for me?

**I was wondering if you had any tips for this situation or when the fight is over something minor. I am usually for talking it out if the problem is something bigger, but I wonder if the root of the problem is from talking too regularly--thoughts?**

[LadyMarchHare]

My guess is he read a bit too much into your teasing and felt more like you were calling him a hypocrite/liar than just poking fun. It can happen, I've had some heated debates with my SO over silly things like that. Personally if he doesn't seem to be upset/distant/angry the next time you two speak it's not worth bringing up again. Like you said it was something minor and if he can brush it off and not lord it over you down the road then it's best left untouched.

[Malaga]

Agreed. I think the best way to show you really did not mean to seriously accuse him of anything is to just go on about as if nothing happened. Be your usual self. Generally speaking I think men appreciate this approach more as they are great at forgetting all about stuff like that, it's usually us girls who overthink and worry, and that itself can irritate them as it makes it a bigger deal that it originally was.

[Silviar]

If it's a minor tiff, and it's the only one in that vein, then just let it go. If a pattern starts to emerge, then you know to bring it up at a neutral time. Something like "Hey, I noticed whenever we talked about these things, it seemed to be upsetting. Can we talk about it?"

[Alexandria Lora]

My guess is he read a bit too much into your teasing and felt more like you were calling him a hypocrite/liar than just poking fun. It can happen, I've had some heated debates with my SO over silly things like that. Personally if he doesn't seem to be upset/distant/angry the next time you two speak it's not worth bringing up again. Like you said it was something minor and if he can brush it off and not lord it over you down the road then it's best left untouched.

I agree with LMH, a minor tiff generally passes over. They tend to be "heat of the moment ripples" or tension re-leasers,at least in my relationship. When the "ripples" happen, my SO tends to move forward quickly, its like he just "forgets". In his opinion, it is best to forget the incidents that do not truly require discussion. It drove me mad that he was like this: how can you just forget about it?! But it was a beneficial lesson. I truly had to learn this from my SO and stamp to my memory that men think differently than women. For me, I always thought EVERYTHING had to be discussed and discussed so much to make ME feel safe in the relationship. But with the patience of my SO (he is VERY patient with me), I had to learn that some things aren't worth the time and energy, especially when trying to maintain an LDR or any relationship, for that matter.

It is hard enough being away from the one you love and even harder to stay strong when dealing with an argument from a distance. Learning to let go of the little "ripples" are sometimes required. That saying "Forgive and Forget" really does apply sometimes. You can't continue forward with tit for tat. Not every discussion or argument allows for that. It only weighs you down and you never get past anything. Unless you feel this "ripple" or tiff is TRULY a necessary discussion to repair your relationship, then yes, have that discussion. Let him know why you feel there should be a discussion about the incident and why it is effecting you. But if you think it was a moment were you both were just feeling abit tired or overly emotional (remember, you both are already tense from being apart AND dealing with just the regular day to day), then just let it go. Move forward... don't waste anymore energy on being upset...Its not worth any of your precious time.

(By the way, we have been together for almost a year now and I think it has taken me the WHOLE year to finally get it! hehe) Best of luck