How to remember he actually cares?

[FadedSunrise]

So apparently recently I've been too weak to deal with the reality of my situation(read: that I won't be going back to him for another 13 months-you all saw how pathetically hideous I was in the previous thread I posted. It makes me sick at myself).

However, he's been dealing just fine and dandy. I tend to pull away and go into a shell when I'm not feeling well, because I hate accepting people's help like that. But it worried him, so eventually I opened up and told him I still wasn't coping well with the situation, whereas it made me feel extremely inadequate that he sprung back so quickly and was back to telling me to "live life to the fullest", and to "find other pleasures in life, because life is full of other things", and that he misses me too, but it makes no sense to dwell.

I know this makes even less sense and probably also makes me borderline manic depressive(my friend swears I qualify for general depression now), but somehow when I hear that, the logical side of me registers his comment as well...very logical, and being the strong, mature man I initially fell for. The pathetically hopelessly weak 4 yr old in me emotionally hears that as both criticism and dismissing my feelings.

I...kinda would have liked to get a *hug* virtually, and then maybe the logical, grown up advice, but skipping straight to logical grownup advice(even though he didn't, technically, he did acknowledge me, my illogical messed up self just doesn't see it as enough) feels like I just got brushed off.

I'm fairly busy now. Got more classes, finals, and will be working right after the semester ends. But every night without fail I go to this unhappy place, where my illogical self wonders why he decided to cope by putting up an emotional wall and preaching.

This is all over IM/text, btw, because he also suggested we video cam less so that we would have more to say each time and that time would seem to go by faster. I'm so confused...technically he has never given me a reason to distrust him, but the extra time in between after video camming 3-4 days a week is starting to give me dark ideas in my head, and this excess of "pick yourself up, pick yourself up now" is not helping things.

Thankfully, he's at work all day today, so I don't have chance to be batty and break us up because of my mood again. Or is it valid?

[Mara]

When we first became long distance again, I was a terrible, terrible mess. Crying all over the place, moping like the world had ended, and my SO was very calm, very put together, very strong. And how dare he be strong while I was falling to pieces. How dare he try to make things easier on me while I was so depressed? How dare he try to make things better by telling me the time would pass quickly and suggesting things to keep myself occupied?

It seems silly to me now, but then those feelings were so very real. I was angry, hurt, and confused because I wanted him to be just as much of a mess as I was. Misery loves company. It took me a while to realize that he was just as hurt as I was, but he was just choosing to do what I needed to do; be strong.

This is difficult and no it isn't ideal and yes, it does hurt, but you only have two choices fall apart or be strong. If you need some time just to be sad allow yourself that, I did, but after that time is over resolve to do whatever you have to, to stay strong for yourself and your SO. Also, if you need more web cam time, just tell him so. Especially now since you've just gotten this news. I find when there are huge changes it's best to have that extra time with your SO.

[LadyMarchHare]

There is a difference between manic depression and general clinical depression. What I think you have here is probably just a very bad case of situational depression, which is usually treated with therapy and stuff like cognitive thinking more than medication.

Back on topic: I don't think his rather positive and soapbox-y attitude are signs he doesn't care, I think that it's the only way he can see dealing with the situation especially if you're down and out. My SO and I have long ago established a system where if one is really down the other takes on a similar attitude like your SO has and tries to get the other to see the positive, to cheer up and not be all doom and gloom. It gets us by. However, we both suffer from similar dysfunctions so we have the advantage of understanding. I don't think your SO actually understands (really it's hard to) and so what he thinks is pep talk and something that might help you is being perceived as him almost saying "just shutup and be happy already."

Talk with him about it and tell him while you appreciate his trying to help you, his chosen method is not helping/is making you worse. As well if you find that extra time between chats is doing you more harm than good, let him know and ask that you go back to the schedule you two had regardless of if you guys just sit in silence.

[FadedSunrise]

Apologies for using terms in jest/bad mood that aren't supposed to be thrown around. >_>. X_X

Actually, not long after I posted this, he randomly decided to sign onto chat at work with his phone, and we had a well timed talk to talk me off my crazy horse. Not sure if the crazy is just going to go away like that, but it seriously helped a lot. I think it is true that sometimes he doesn't understand. The normal me is very independent, proactive, etc. He sometimes would lament, before, that he couldn't be here to protect me, and I'd confidently reply that I protect myself and would never NEED a man to do so. I think maybe sometimes he gets too used to that, and forgets steely girl can't always be steely. I've actually been guilty of the same, now that I think on it more, so its just one more thing we have in common, hah.

Anyways, I told him as such, aired EVERYTHING I wanted to say, my insecurities...and he took them. which is awesome. Told me to wait for his detailed answer in his letter, but I guess that's something to look forward to?

Definitely going to ask for the extra time back. This bothers me too much.

[lucybelle]

I didn't read the other replies but you can't get angry at someone because they don't feel the same way you do. People deal with emotional situations in different ways, I've seen people laugh at funerals because they didn't know what to do with themselves. If you know something that will make you feel better, ask for it. Ask for a "virtual hug" or some "grown up advice" whatever it is you need. But don't ask him to be depressed like you are. That's not productive.