No matter what we do, someone will get hurt.

[Zephii]

I'm just sharing a piece of my life. It's mostly relevant to those who are in international long distance relationships or who's ability to travel is severely restricted.

I've been here in Canada for two months, one week and four days. It seems much much longer. Before we came here, Obi lived with me for four months in Australia. We had a lot of good times there, but I know it was very hard for him. He suffered bouts of depression and homesickness and culture shock.

Because I'm here for a year to a year and a half, I have to make a life here. I'm not immagrating, but I'm staying too long to be really visiting either. That's been hard. There is a lot of red tape and every little bit of it is so expensive. I'm not and never have been wealthy, but the government seem to think moving to another country is only for the rich. There have been a lot of set backs. But luckily, I don't actually have the money to give up and go home. I'm stranded here and I have to make the best of it.

But what do you do when you get to the point where the words "Honey, I'm leaving you" are right on the tip of your tongue? I came very close last night. It's not that I don't love him - I do. He is my everything. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to have his children and still walk down the street holding hads when we're all old and wrinkly. He is the only gap in the misery I experience in this country. I have given up a lot just for him. But sometimes I feel that no matter what we do someone will get hurt.

I know that when he was in Australia with me his family missed him very badly, his mom confided in me that his sister cried several times... And I feel for her. I cry because I miss the sister I left in Australia, I don't want to cause that same pain to anyone else. If we're in Canada my family and I suffer. If we're in Australia his family and him suffer. When we're long distance, we both suffer and we take it out on the people around us. (Unintentionally, but it has been pointed out to me on several occasions). There is no way to win. Sometimes I think if I call it, we'll only be heart broken for a little while... but I've tried to stop loving him in the past and it never works.

His family don't yet know that at the end of next year we are both returning to Australia so I can do uni. I want him to start preparing them now so that when the time comes they are more prepared and comfortable with the idea, but he hesitates. I'd like to return at the end of this year rather than putting it off another year but that's probably the resentment talking. I resent that he has the education for his career and that I do not and I have to wait. And I hate Canada; though I try so so hard not to.

For me LDR was a lot easier. It was an endurance thing, like this is, but I had a future with the man I love to look forward to. Now I'm living that future with the man I love and all I see is endless saddness, it's much harder to get through all of a sudden.
I'm going to have a circle and pray, and hopefully when we move out of his parents house in a week things will look better... but this whole thing has been much much harder than I thought it was going to be and I think that because a lot of you will face the same thing it was right to share it.

I'm not really asking advice, I'm already doing as much as I can to combat the saddness I feel and ease the strain on the people I've left behind, but if anyone wants to share or add anything or whatever....

Thank you for listening. I know that was massivly long!

[folclor]

*hugs* things will look up, Zephii. ^^ And spring is coming soon so maybe when the flowers start to bloom and the trees start bearing leaves again you'll feel more energetic, too. I don't know what the weather's like in BC (I know Alex said that it might still be snowing in Alberta when I visit him in June which is hard to imagine for me as the flowers in Texas are already beginning to bud) but maybe you'll like Canada better then. I know the aesthetics aren't the only things causing you not to like Canada, but maybe when those get better you'll feel more at home. I'm glad that you are going to go back for uni and I'm glad Obi's going with you, maybe this time he won't find it so horrible. Anyway, I know I haven't given any advice (I know you didn't ask for it) but things will look up. They always do. And, yes, they always get stormy again but it clears up afterward. ^^

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

**hugs** I don't have much of a problem with the distance and family. We live only 2 hours from one another and will more than likely move with him when he's back down. While, mom can't just stop in day to day the distance isn't so bad that we'll never see each other. I'm sorry to hear that! *HUGS*

[agentholli]

That is a really hard situation. All I can think of to say is Love conquers all. The distance between your families is great, either way..but if you two love eachother I believe you can work something out where both of you have to compromise on something. Maybe move somewhere where neither one of you are with your families and you have to travel to visit both of them? *hugs*

[Bluestars]

Zephii, I am so sorry that you are having a hard time adjusting to Canada

My boyfriend moved closer to be with me in December and ended up moving back two months later because he couldn't find a job and he hated it here. Heck, we are only 800 miles apart, which is nothing compared to the culture shock of what you have had to experience. He was unhappy for a lot of reasons, but a lot of it was because he moved to soon and did no planning whatsoever. But it was really hard for me to hear him be sooo homesick and not happy. At first, we had a bumpy road going back to LDR, but at the moment, things are looking up. Now, I have no idea when we will be able to live in the same place. He might try to move back in a year, but that is not definite. I graduate in two years....so there is no reason not to be together then. Hopefully, planning will go into it next time and things will go smoother.

But yeah....this is one of the suckiest parts of an LDR in my opinion. I know it doesn't happen in all situations that the person who moves isn't happy, but when it doesn't work out quite so nice, it is so sad because you have sacrificed so much

I wish you the best of luck!

[Svea]

Agreed with Holli; love does conquer all. In time, the answer will come to you. If you love each other enough, you will make it work.

[lunamea]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm probably the wrong person to talk to you, though - my husband should, because he has experience with leaving his family, while I don't. He moved to my country after we'd met (600 or so miles from his family), but things are much better economically in my country than in his, so that also gives him a good reason to stay. I know that he still misses his family (he does have a sister who lives "only" 3 hours from our city, though) but he only gets to see his parents and other siblings 2 or 3 times a year. In your case, things are more complicated.

I think your momentary desperation mostly comes from having no option of going back - I think whenever you feel trapped, you want to get out all the more. I'm glad you didn't ask for advice, because I can't really give you any, but I'm confident that things will be much better once you move out from his parents'! I have always been convinced that living with the "in-laws" is a sure way to destroy your relationship...

[woop woop]

I have had similar thoughts Zephii. My boyfriend and I are fortunate in that I'm from the UK and he's from France, so the distance isn't that huge. We are both qualified, and I'm in the first few years of my career and he is just starting. We are trying to work it out so neither of us feels like we're giving something up, but sometimes it feels impossible. You guys are an inspiration for everything you've achieved!

I agree with lunamea - living with his parents is not going to be helping you anyway. Heck, if I had to live with my parents I'd go mad, never mind anyone else's. Plus not having an immediate exit strategy must put another strain on you. It's hard living in a new city - a new country must be even harder. Be kind to yourself -and make sure he is too.

[MadMolly]

I went through this when I moved to Dave but I was much closer to home, a $100 flight, it was easy for me to run away. I actually assumed that because I was moving back, we'd break up because I simply didn't have the energy to go back to long distance at that point but he told me not to be silly and we just did the long distance until the time was right for him to come here. I want to say something which people will probably disagree with but I do not believe love conquers all, in this case love won't be enough to stop you missing your families (why would you ever stop missing the people you love) and you are completely right in your post title - no matter what happens, one of you is going to miss their homeland.

I can relate to you a little bit as I moved to NZ in my teens from my beloved Australia and the wet, damp, cold days here are just so different, everyone speaks with an accent, you have no sense of "belonging" - and I don't even have to worry about international/residency laws like you do in Canada. All I can say is that time will make it easier to live in a new place, but you are never going to stop missing your family and your homeland but it will become easier to deal with over time.

I think that if there is absolutely no way either of you could settle in eachother's country (or any country if you have both considered moving to a new place for the both of you) then you would just be left with the option to end it, or be permanently long distance (which is hardly feasible). Breaking up would be terribly hard but you have to weigh the pros and cons and see what option is the hardest. It just sucks to think of a living a life of thinking "what if" about the person you had to leave because of circumstance.

[Mio]

I'm sorry to hear this Zephi. I'm kind of in the same situation right now. My boy moved to my country to be with me, and even thought he is strong enought some days he misses his family soooo much or have culture shock or other things that make him a little depressive. His family misses him so much too, at least they can skype every now and then, but still he feels is not the same. But he is determined to make a living here. I feel so bad about the fact that he had to leave everything behind, that I wish it was me the one that made the move, but still it doesn't make a difference. But at the end is something that we have to endure, and to work on. I am a firm believer of the 50/50 happy medium, let's see where the road may lead us. Best wishes and lots of hugs.

[Zephii]

Thank you all *hugs*

Marian: BC is warmer than Alberta, lucky for me because I can't stand the cold (which is a chunk of the reason I'm unhappy in Canada). I'm hoping you're right and the warmer weather will perk me up. I've been here in summer before thaough, it's a bit wimpy compared to what I'm used to lol.
Thinking of Canada, I can't believe how close your counter is getting!! You'll be with Alex in no time

Agentholli: I've never understood the "let's both move" thing. I mean, it's very fair, but bluddy unpractical. Moving, especially internationally, is hard enough to do without making double the problems by having both people do it. We joked for a while about moving to hawii because it's the only thing half way (well, sort of half way) between Sydney and Vancouver, but realistically, this would be harder if we moved to a place where neither of us were citizens.
I think it would also be petty for one of us to say "I have to leave my family so I'm going to make you do it too" and then we'd have to pay twice as much money on visits home. Crazy! It's good in theory though

Bluestars: I remember you telling us about his unhappiness, it was sad, but I think you both handled it admirably. Planning helps a lot, I guess I just didn't factor in how much my country itself means to me. I knew I'd miss my family and friends, but sometimes I just miss home itself. Some days I know even if I could move all the people I care about to this country I'd still want to fly back to Australia. But planning planning and more planning is so very important. (Now if only Obi's parents could understand that! They always wonder why we discuss things so far in advance.)

Svea: Loving each other doesn't stop us loving our families, friends and countries though. It gives us strength to overcome it, give us something to make the sacrifice worth it, but it doesn't change how much it sucks. But I still appreciate your kindness.

lunamea: Moving out will really help! It's much easier to like people when you don't have to live with them. ^^ We move out this week and I really can't wait. You're probably right and being trapped is a part of why I feel this way, but at the same time I'm glad I'm trapped, because it stops me weakening and running away.

woop woop: Your post made me smile. I'd be hard pressed to live with my parents too lol. I hope you and your SO can work something out. I doubt you'll find a solution where neither of you gives up anything, but hopefully whatever you do have to give up wont be too much.

Molly: Thank you so much. Your post really helped, I think you most closely understand my endless ramble! Our solution at the moment is to make a life in both countries. We realise that as we get older, have kids and aquire assets this will become harder and more expensive, but we are hoping that with the support from the people around us, hard work and careful planning we can pull it off. I don't have to wonder "what if" with Obi - we've been there, I never want to go there again... but some days I'm not as tough, thats all. I'm with you on the love not conquring all thing. "All you need is love" is another one I don't subscribe to.

Mio: I'm sorry he's having trouble adjusting. Skype just doesn't cut it especially if there's a time difference. I guess you feel a kind of guilt? Sometimes Obi appologises to me for being born in the wrong country/ being the reason I moved... I don't think it's that much easier on the person who doesn't move. Best wishes!