Can distance ever be the ONLY cause for a breakup?

[Snap]

Over the years, I have met several people who make this claim or something similar: "Distance was the only reason why we broke up. If we weren't long distance, we never would have broken up." But I've always wondered if that's true. I know one person who said that because they were never able to make time to see each other. But making time to see each other is involved in compromise and patience. So if they instead were patient and made some compromises, they would have stayed together. Besides, not being able to compromise and being impatient can manifest itself in CDRs as well. If they had been in a CDR, perhaps their impatience and inability to compromise would have manifested itself in a different situation? So in that scenario, is it really fair to blame distance? Why not blame unable to compromise and impatience as the culprits since they were underlying the whole situation?

What do you guys think? Can distance ever be the only cause? I personally believe that distance accelerates faults that would still be found in CDR, which would cause them to breakup regardless of the distance. But maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better about the whole distance thing.

[bluishskin]

No, I don't believe that based on how many successful LDRs there are...and a lot of them even end up in marriage. I dated my ex for about 7 years and we were having CDR, but then I went overseas to study for a year. The LDR itself lasted just a little bit less than a year becoz I decided to end everything just a few days before going back home. Why? Bcoz the LDR showed me how incompatible we were. I had sensed the incompatibility even before going overseas but I guess I was just too stubborn to accept the reality. But going through the 11-months-LDR actually opened my eyes and emphasised that I deserved a much better person. I think, if we were compatible and good for each other, the LDR shouldnt have been a problem. Although he did insist that the whole problem was becoz of the LDR, but I've never agreed with him. I'm now with a much better person and we've been on LDR for about a year and a half. Despite the distance, our relationship has been going well.
Hope this helps. Cheers.

[Sano]

I dont think distance is the root cause. I just think its easier to blame it on the distance than admit to the real problems of the relationship. If anything LDR force you to communicate with your partner more than a close distance relationship does. If you find out you can't communicate long distance, you probably can't close distance either

[Moon]

Sure it can. If one person in the relationship isn't cut out for it, it totally can. There are people who are more emotionally needy and more clingy than others, they need a partner that'll be right by their sides for everything, and definitely can't handle being apart for things like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Of course, they don't realize how badly an LDR will affect them until they're in one, so it's really not their fault or anything, they can't help it. If you've been around the boards awhile, you'll see new people come and go on a pretty consistent basis, many of them posting a few posts about how bad an LDR hurts, how jealous they get, how lonely they are, how they really can't deal with being apart, and so on. Then they just kinda disappear, and I think it's because doing the LDR thing just didn't work out for them. It doesn't work for everybody, and sometimes it's simply because the distance is too great.

[LovingHim]

I know a couple who had young children - both of them - which made it hard for them to visit each other and close the distance. They eventually broke up because of the distance.

Other than that, I agree with what Snap said that distance accelerates faults that would still be found in CDR, which would cause them to breakup regardless of the distance.

[Snap]

Sure it can. If one person in the relationship isn't cut out for it, it totally can. There are people who are more emotionally needy and more clingy than others, they need a partner that'll be right by their sides for everything, and definitely can't handle being apart for things like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Of course, they don't realize how badly an LDR will affect them until they're in one, so it's really not their fault or anything, they can't help it. If you've been around the boards awhile, you'll see new people come and go on a pretty consistent basis, many of them posting a few posts about how bad an LDR hurts, how jealous they get, how lonely they are, how they really can't deal with being apart, and so on. Then they just kinda disappear, and I think it's because doing the LDR thing just didn't work out for them. It doesn't work for everybody, and sometimes it's simply because the distance is too great.

I see what you're saying, but if you're clingy to the point where you need someone right by your side for everything, then that can certainly cause problems in a CDR. Dependency causes problems if you're 5 miles apart to 5,000 miles apart. The same goes for jealousy. If someone is prone to jealousy, they don't need to be in a LDR to have feelings of envy whenever their partner goes out to a party, hangs out with other friends, or whatever. I guess I'm basically going back to my theory that distance accelerates it.

Once upon a time, I was involved in an LDR a couple thousand miles away. Needless to say, we didn't get to see each other often. Yeah, it hurt and I was lonely at times but since I cared about him I stuck it out. We ended up breaking up with each other not because we didn't get to see each other often, jealousy, or loneliness. He had poor self-esteem issues, problems with addiction, and wanted to date around to "discover himself." I guarantee you that we would have broken up regardless of the distance. Or perhaps we wouldn't have broken up and ended up getting married. In that case I guarantee you that I would have felt absolutely miserable in the marriage. So in a way, I'm glad that we were in an LDR. Probably saved me years of misery.

But that's just my story. Your mileage may vary.

[vpavelock]

I think it can be the only reason also. If the distance is something that causes you not to see each other for a significant amount of time, not at all. or close to it. Distance CAN be the only reason. Humans have a desire to feel needed and desired that can not be completely fulfilled if their is indefinite distance. Also, evolutionary, animals have the need to spread around their genes and procreate, this may sound very backwards but there is still this evolutionary need in people that you really can't do with absolute distance.

[kiara_silver]

i dont know, distance is hard, really hard. and i do think it plays a big part in the struggle, because when ur SO is busy or is working or has no time for you, you could still at least be with them physically, just near them and not feel so frustrated or alone, you don't get that in a LDR. Its just being on your own. and that gets tiresome and at times u get fed up with being alone. So i do think distance can be a cause for breaking up. loneliness is hard, and i dont think its always bieng spoiled or clingy, cause in a LDR you dont get to have so much, so much u go without, so... yeah i guess im saying i think distance can be the only reason for breaking up

although i think if your strong willed and are in deep deep love then u can stay strong through it.

[Joyce:)]

i don't think you can blame distance. if you break up because of distance, it just means that you weren't meant to be together in the end.
i may sound clichè, but love conquers all, and by all i mean distance too.
sure, distance can make you break up, but it does only in the case you were going to break up eventually for another reason if there wasn't distance to blame.

When you blame distance, it means you aren't ready to admit that there were other issues too

[Rosebud]

Sometime its impossible to make compromises with the distance. People can have a tremendous amount of patience and love for their partner, but that doesn't excuse the fact that having hundreds to thousands of miles between them can make compromising ten times more difficult than if they were CD. I do believe that distance causes and flares up a host of other issues that probably would never have even arised, or makes it more difficult to resolve these issues. It doesn't mean that people aren't capable of compromise or such things, simply tha the DISTANCE makes it extremely tiring, painful and hard sometimes. And quite frankly, I think it's naive at best to think otherwise.

[LadyMarchHare]

Can distance be a reason why people break up? Yes. Can it be the sole reason? No.

Plenty of people use distance as a scapegoat or use it as a blanket term for all of the other problems their relationship is having and so when it comes down to it, that's what is blamed. Not "we weren't able to communicate" or "we couldn't meet each other's emotional needs" or anything else. And people believe it because we all know distance is hard and it's part of why we struggle every day. Yes there are people who cannot handle the specifics that come with distance such as limited to no physical contact, the lack of "normalcy", etc but just throwing the word "distance" over it doesn't say anything. Distance can mean anything, physical or emotional. Sometimes things just don't work out but personally I find it stupid to pin the blame on any one thing unless the person's beating the life out of you with a bat. Most logical breakups occur because of several factors.

[Silviar]

Yes, I think distance can be the only cause, but given how many break-ups I've seen in LDR, the odds are it isn't just the distance. There are some people who, although they really love/like the person they're dating, they cannot handle the distance. Distance means you can't touch, dating is more limited/difficult, and simply not being able to spend time in close approximation. I think saying "only just the distance" is arguing about semantics, because distance ties up many important things.

To be fair, I can't blame people for not being able to handle the distance. Some people can, and some can't. If my SO and I weren't able to have physical contact occasionally and close the distance, it would have made staying together extremely difficult, and I couldn't say either way if we'd be able to handle it because we're both touchy-feely people.

Again, though, I don't usually find the distance is why people break up - usually it's things like personality conflicts, long-term differing lifestyles/goals, no physical attraction once they meet... really, the reasons people who date close distance break up.

[blankita719]

I think it can be. If not the only reason, then a major part of it. My SO and I were together in 1997 for almost a year long distance and we split up over it. His reasoning being that he thought I was too young at the time to make a move 1500 miles away to an area where I knew really nobody, and he was in a different place in life than I was. I was 18 and he was 27 with a young child. Our only other issue was his ex, who gave him a hard time about us being together initially but she eventually got over that.

[Caitlin2009]

i think some people can handle it and some cant so it depends on the person. grant it ive wanted to a few times due to the distance because in my mind it was too hard and im sure everybody has that thought, but then you think what your life is gonna be like without them and then you dismiss the wanting to end it thought because it is worth it in the end, but it can be hard and diffacult. right now the only reason i would end it is if she cheated on me and i know that wont happen

[MadMolly]

It definitely can be the ONLY reason. Example: My boyfriend and I were long distance for 2 years, he lives with me now. If we say HAD to be long distance for 5 or more years - nope. I wouldn't do it. Therefore, distance would be the only cause for us to break up, even if we loved eachother dearly, I would not wait 5 years as long distance to see if it would be just as good as a CDR.