My Current Situation (wicked long!! Youve been warned)

[Eyelids Bare]

SIGH = I went over the word count. This is part one... haha

I want to try to keep this short and sweet but it may get rambly at times, so apologies in advance if I run in circles. The past several weeks have been hell! One minute I am fine and secure the next just a complete mess trying to figure out which is the more appropriate response.

So this girl and I started talking just before New Years. I knew her online 10 years prior. I had this instant cruch on her during our first phone call. Unlike my usual "high school crushes" (even though technically I had just graduated) this felt really different. There was just a real sense of connection...
But I brushed it off as another crush. I got those a lot back then.
I moved. Lost ties with a lot of people including her. Regained some over the years but always this one girl who had sent me some art work and other assorted artifacts. No matter where I lived I always put her art on my wall. Every state. Every new life. And whenever I saw at my drawing desk, I would look up and wonder what came of her. Even asked a former friend of hers if she had heard from her by some off chance. Her livejournal long gone. Mine too. She just seemed a ghost. No internet presence it seemed.

So time goes on. Ten years of it... and randomly she looked me up one random night in Dec, she had logged onto AIM, with her old screen name which I had forgotten entirely. She knew my name. So I asked her who it was and once she said her name I just felt like exploding. Or imploding. Or both at the same time. In the best way possible. It was crazy...

So we start talking.
The usual stuff (hows life? what have you been up too etc)
And we enjoy our time talking. Both of us at a very strange point in both our lives. I have had to move back with my family at an age that feels shameful because of my entire life just giving way home. So I've been picking the pieces of my life up here... but lately it feels like it is time to go. But I just don't have the money to go anywhere yet. So its been shifting from being a helpful situation to one that has started to depress me and make me restless. Her situation is a little more extreme but in essence she feels very much the same about where she is. She had a really bad injury that left part of her back broken. She recovered really well but still has some time to go before she gets a clean bill of health and it will have some life long effects on things like lifting. Apparently she was drinking and that led to her fall from a roof.

The more we talked the more we got passed some of the fluff. We started to really get a sense of the other. She was the first to make this really simple comment that I sounded much more relaxed and excited to be talking to her after several weeks of chatting periodically. I suppose I can be a little introverted at first. She can too...
But when she mentioned it, I saw that it really was mutual. And it had just been so natural I had no even noticed it. She said she really liked it. It made her happy to realizes that as we talked more and more, my tone had shifted.

One thing I do regret is maybe trying too hard to still project some sort of outward sense of who I am. I do not feel confident. But she says other wise. So I tried to project that more. I would stray from talking too in deepth on my own problems. It was not that I did not mind sharing it just felt somewhat pointless. My mess is my mess and the only person who will save me, is my myself. That and I was always far more interested in hearing about her life and trying to help her. I am more the listen then the talker I suppose.

Anyway... So things went on. Weekly chats became twice a week ordeals - became multiple calls a week... and in the past three months or so, it has become nightly calls. Some going on for as long as ten hours. Which was unheard of for either of us. Even talking about nothing some times... it just was great. The sun went down and came back up. We started to fall asleep on the phone at times. Or if I had to be up early and was just being stubborn about sleeping she might read a story. Feelings came into play more and more. We started really aching to be with one another. There were nights we were so sad. Why couldn't we just wake up with the other there? You all have been there. Sure it makes sense. She always greated me with some silly cuties name of some kind whenever she would pick up the phone. It was silly but flattering. Usually involving some varation of babe/baby/hun - -

Anyway. We started talking about me visiting. She insisted on me getting a hotel not because she was ashamed of me but she just really is insecure about living with her parent (even though she has her own studio that is not even attached to the house) but as we talked it just seemed clear how ashamed of her life she was. How much she hated it. And I knew she was down. Usually more then me. She had lost her job. One she had for seven years. Because of her back injury. Most days she was a mess. I never really fully knew how much... how could, I was only with her on the phone. I knew she was drinking but it never seemed excessive. I drink more then I should but when I tell people how much I drink weekly they just laugh. I mean maybe a six pack. I don't drink on work nights unless I am out socially. Anyway... She seems sad more and more when talking about her life. She starts to get sad that I am not there. I tell her, I will be. Soon as I can. And she should put her energy into thinking on that and not that which we can not change at this moment. And anyway I would tell her I was there with her... just not physically.

We are both a little shy. Both have our issues with our bodies (I mean even clothed... My face makes me insecure enough). So we had not even began to Skype but were finally toying more with that. Because sending occasional photos just was not enough...

Anyway trying to keep this short and sweet...
I thought maybe she should come see me instead. After all, I hate flying (or rather the idea of falling and the possibility thereof) and the train takes two days one way. So right there is four days of my trip killed. Plus she really wants to get out of her dark little world. She has only ever been to Jersey and Florida. She could add a new part of the world to her life experiences that she longs for. And well, I just wanted to give her a week outside of her house. She is around a lot of negative people. She has a list of Exs that have wronged her in every way from mental to psychical. I will spare details but if I was her, I would hate men too. Not even distrust them. Hate them. How she says she only hates 95% is generous enough...I was looking into airfare. Its new to me. Haven't flown since I was 12...so I was taking my time trying to really get the cheapest flight for her. Etc. Plus she had to save up. Unemployment checks take a while to save up... But the plan was actually for what would not be next week.


So here comes the plot twist!
Apparently she was drinking far more then I knew.
One night she was drinking "some wine" but so was I. She never really sounded drunk unless it was something like vodka, which she rarely drank. I only ever thought she was really drunk like twice. And to be far, she did not drink all the time. Usually she would just drink before I called. And we'd talk so long most nights, I know (despite fearful insecurities that I now fight) that she meant everything she said.

[Eyelids Bare]

PART 2 (can't say it enough sorry I just... don't have anyone to really talk too that understands the situation, I left a lot of personal details but we really had talked about so many things and were just trying so hard to take things slow...)

... But one night while on the phone, it sounded like she dropped the phone and there was a small thud like some fell. It was silient on her side for a few minutes. I kept checking the icon on my cell to see if I had been disconnected (a regular event because I am in the country). Still there. So I started to get worried. Some times she would hit the mute button, but usually I would just ask her and she would realize it and fix it. No luck. So I started to get worried....She got back on the line and said that she was a tlittle tipsy and fell. I asked if she was okay but she plaid it down as just from too much wine. I didn't really press it. Figured she was embraced and didn't want to talk about it. Later she was complaining of a headache. I told her she was probably getting dehydrated. To get some water. She did. She said it was getting worse, I told her to get some air. Maybe she needed a smoke and to try a cool cloth. So she was going too have a smoke outside. My phone drops. I call back within seconds. No answer. Okay... Usually if my phone drops we might take it as a chance to get a drink or use the restroom etc haha.
But she did not call me back as usual. So I waited a maybe 10 more minutes.
Left a voicemail, maybe she was resting or something... after several hours I was a little worried. So I called her back before trying to sleep.

Days go by. Nothing. Not a peep. Not a text.
So a little worried becomes VERY worried.
I write her (but she doesn't do email, I always have to tell her when I wrote her and have her check it, as she never uses it) just to see if maybe her phone had died and her bill was late. Something we phased earlier on while talking.

Just shy of a week does by. I've been freaking out for several days with most friends telling me "its probally nothing just chill... if it was something bad surely someone would have called you"
...Surely someone did.
Her picture came up on my phone and I was so excited I was piratically stuttering but it was her Mom. And as soon as she introduced herself, I just wanted to die! But I tried to keep calm. I can't even imagine what her mom is going through so just keep it together, don't break down, try to find out the details...try to stay calm. But soon as her mom hung up I just lost it!

Turns out she had fallen down her stairs when she went outside to have her smoke. Her then hit hit and still somewhat mending back, were roughed up some more! Her mom said it looked like she had been hit by a car! She must have been confused because she was found in a neighbors yard in the morning. About 2 hours after I had spoken to her last.
She seemed very solid though going into the ambulance. She was making jokes (since she used to work at the Hospital she was heading off too and had been recovering seven months prior from her back injury). What happened in those two hours is unknown. Some neighbors saw her walking around the neighborhood. Her mom was woken up about half an hour after my call dropped but she was apparently used to her stomping around the house when drunk, so she just said "Oh, she is just drunk again.." and went back to bed.

....A cat scan revealed a clot forming in her brain.
She was rushed to brain surgery.
And yeah. I was wrong...She drank more then I knew. Most of the time before I called. Not every day but close too it. Enough so that her body was having a withdrawl issue. Seems she had not really been eating much either. So while not in a coma, she remained under for days. Waking maybe three times briefly and being very confused. One time very angry and aggressive (which was said to be expected until they could get her body to require less drugs to remain stable...)

That hole fucking week I was just a mess. I wanted to run the airport! But oh yeah. Still broke as a joke! I was going to borrow money from a few people but I had talked to her mom and she did not want me visiting. As there was no way of knowing how she would be when she woke! If she would remember me or anything. I did not want to make anything worse for her. So of course it made sense. But fuck was it hard. I was literally losing it. I wanted to be there. Holding her hand. Meaning every word I told her about helping her, being there for her, taking care of her etc...
I tried to work those days but I was miles away all the time!

Some nights (which nights of course were the worst) I would swear I just need to get on a plane! That I needed to be there... But my friends tried to keep me calm. And agreeing with her Mom. It seems everyone but me did. In fairness too, she might not want me to see her like this. She is more self conceous them me for sure, and is insecure enough about herself that I can see her really not wanting out first encounter to be in such a state. So I try to get through the week...

...But she finally came too. After being under for six days! She was in ICU still but a day after she was awake they let her have her phone (which is her tie to me and her friends, again she does not do the internet or computers, just what her iPhone allows her to do) and she called me right off. I could barely understand anything she was saying. She was still heavily drugged and exhausted from everything. She kept trying to tell jokes and down play things, I could tell that much because she would just laugh after saying some things...which I loved just hearing her laugh. Her speech was the only thing affected. And it would only be for a while with some speech therapy. But she could say most words and sounds. Just a few things she had trouble with...

We don't talk for four days later. Which was hard because I wanted to talk to her every day to at least check in on her. But the funny thing about being in a hospital is that you get little rest with doctors and specialists of all kinds coming in almost hourly. Even through the night for medication if nothing else. And she always had family or a friend in, so there was never time to talk. Long as she was getting rest. Thats all I cared about.
When we had hung up... it sort of just fell out before we said goodnight, "I love you".
Not that I had not said it before once or twice but more casually and far more playfully. This was dead honest... after something like this you really realize just how much someone means to you!! I had more feelings then I even knew.

But then a week had gone by. With not even a text. Which again, rationally I understand. But emotionally insecurities were creeping in. I mean what if her Ex was there... They always fought whenever they talked but mostly because he refused to hang out with her (even on his bday) if she had been drinking on that day. Not even drinking then but easlier even... Of course now i am seeing the dots connect more. Things she said. That never added up on their own. A lot of little things that she plaid down. Anyway...Now it was a great in for him (in my mind) to be like "I told you" and he could be the guy "who knew what was best for her all this time."

So it had been a emotional rollercoaster for those three weeks and I guess I just was so exhausted that Ego and insecurities started to really get to me... maybe she came too and didn't love me anymore. Even though she said it that night before we hung up. In my mind I was thinking "what if she just said it because you said it" etc...

Stupid shit.
Heart and mind so divided.
I finally got paid (I get paid every other week...now I had money to fly out. Get a rental car... hell sleep in it for all I cared!) So I start battling do I go out or not?
She calls me. She sounds distant. To be expected. Can't even imagine what is going on in her mind. How much she has on her plate right now...But it just seemed like she could have been talking to anyone. It was 4AM and she was waiting for one of her medications that they brought at that hour... I told her I want to be there. Asked if she wanted me to go... she did not say no but also not yes. She just said "Youd be so bored!" and I told her it was not a vacation. I just wanted to be there for her. Hell for myself at that point. hah

And I was not going to really press anything with her and figured we could talk about it the next morning more when she was more awake. But it was hard. Cause I was a mess and it was hard to be rational anymore. Our conversation could have been with anyone. No little hints of affection/connection/emotional attachments of any kind.
But I am trying to keep my own emotions and feelings aside, wanting to be there for HER, this is NOT about ME.
But still...Part of me just wished she would have said she wished I was there. Or missed me. I mean we had been saing it for months now...I know I would want her near. And I would want to call her often to hear her voice. Even if just for a few minutes...

[Eyelids Bare]

So blah blah blah...
Its been over a week since I heard her voice. I didn't get in touch with her mom until the day before she left the hospital so I could not even send flowers. So I just mailed them to her house. She has since been in speech rehab.

....And I am just at a lose.
One night I had my mind made up. I would just go. I mean she had friends visiting, if nothing more, I wanted to be there, as a friend. But what if all her silence was from something else? What if she wants time and space and does not know how to ask? I can respect time and space for sure... but silence kills.

So I got very emotional one night. I went into work. I told them to take me off the schedule for the week for an emergency. And was going to book tickets that night. Just before clicking the final buttone to buy them... I just...couldn't. I could not just head there, draining my entire bank account (and then some) to arrive and find out she did not want to see me right now (she did mention she still wants to come out here, stills plans on it, so that should be a hint atleast but... just so twisted emotionally lately that hints aren't enough). And what if the worst of my darkest imginations came to pass and she is with her ex etc? So I don't book. Not until she tells me too... But she hasn't.

And in over 3 weeks we've spoken 3 times... its maddening.
I am emotional. Heart on the sleeve. All to honest.
But i am also, rational. Able to step outside myself. I can be a rock for someone. But right now I am all of these and yet none hah.


But I don't want to push her away. So I stopped leaving her voice mails. Stopped texting. stopped checking in if no one was going to get back to me. Cause it just made me more insecure. It has never been like her to not reply...
But in all this stress I started smoking (only a few here or there) and yeah. Drinking just to calm my nerves at night ( did I mention nights are helllll?). Soon as I got word of all this. I just dumped all the alcohol I had. Because no, I don't have a problem. But she does. And while they say bullets don't kill people but people, the same is true of booze. The alcohol doesn't kill the alchie. Their choice and lack of getting help does. etc... whatever they say or don't even... I just was unable to even think about drinking because of how it had poisoned her. But I got a six pack the other night.

To end this (i know right! FINALLY) what I really suppose is.... would you have gone? Would you still go? Or would you wait to know what is thinking... what she wants etc?

I mean yesterday I had the ultimate facepalm moment.
And while just walking outside trying to ease my mind, I called her. Left her a short message. Said I missed her something awful. Etc...

And left a longer text. Just saying some things. Took me half an hour to write it hah. Just wanted to make sure I was not being overy emotional. Wanted to make sure she knew that it was not about me... but that she could tell me anything. And I just want to know what she is thinking. Whats on her mind and heart etc... when she was ready.

To end this little epic, she sent me a text back the next day that read: "y again last night (pain killers), sorry. True, I have a lot on my plate and a lot to figure out still. Rehabd and what not, bummer.. All I do is crosswords LOL. Bastards. Talk to you later on ds...lame. But I have to call you in the evening cos' my bill skyrocketed $400! I never do that! You apparently a special guy..lol. I went over 15 hrs. My mom gave me the flowers!!! They're gorgeous! You shouldn't have. My mom said the house smelled so good. Lol. Thank you thank you"

...She has an iPhone. I thought she had unlimited minutes like me. I pay less and have unlimited everything. So yeah. I feel so dumb. No idea if she can really text (she had sent it via AIM)

...I am just a mess...
Any thoughts would be great!!


If you made it this far, your either very kind, very bored, can't sleep, or possibly insane.
Either way: THANKS!!

I really hope this or myself do not come off to crazy... I've never been in this sort of situation. I mean I've made it a point to not get involved with anyone for almost two years getting myself solid. And I have been trying to keep us moving slower then either of our natures would prefer (we are Aries and Sagitarius, if you go in for that astrology stuff, that is all I have to say). I don't know how she snuck through the lock and keys that my heart has been vaulted away in. I've turned down dates...and despite all sexual frustrations have turned down girls who on even just holding hands let a lone more. No idea how she got into my heart... none. But she is there. More then I knew.
Time for some coffee! THANKS so F'n much. Everyone who read. I came to this site...because of just this. I wnat to progress us, if she does...I mean i want to get her out of her little ceasepool surroundings. Show her the better parts of life she longs so. Simple things. She just wants to be an adult. But misery loves company so all her support there... really don't want her to get better. Not fully... cause then she would leave them. And they NEED her. Literally she is far to giving and was a nurse because she takes care of people. Just not her self. And I want to just tell her to pack her tooth brush and we can reinvent our worlds. Together. Grow indviually but together as well. No plans to save her, I mean not completely. Ive tried to save myself for too long to think anyone else can do that... But yeah thanks again
- A Rambly Mess

[TknandLvnIt]

Wow! That was a lot to read and I'm sure a lot for the two of you to deal with. I have always been the person that is able to put my feelings aside when I see that someone else needs help but whose going to be there when you need help. I think that now is the time to be there for her. I think that her answering is a good sign. I'm sure there are reasons why she has been unable to contact you. I am glad that she didn't have too much damage and hopefully she gets the help that she needs for her alcohol problem. I personally would consider therapy or church which has always helped me. I think that you need something to help you sort things out and to help you to be better so that you can better help her. As much as you want to, to broken people can't fix each other. I found that in order to best help others and be effective in a relationship I had to be whole and fulfilled on my own. I don't think that you should have gone out there. I don't think that a crisis is the right time to meet for the first time or to deal with your emotions. I think that the first priority is to get her the help that she needs and make sure that she knows that her drinking is a problem and then develop your relationship from there. You weren't official so she may not expect you to be there or want to be there and I think that you are doing a good job of showing that you care about her and want to know what is going on with her. I don't think that you should stop talking to her all together nor should you bombard her with calls and texts. You were taking things slowly before so continue to do so. Reach out to her but don't beat yourself up if she doesn't answer right away...she has been through a lot physically and it may be difficult for her to do so. I think that the next time you are able to talk to her you should tell her how worried you were about her and that you want to see her doing better and try to make sure that she knows that nothing has changed about how you feel/felt about her. I also think that maybe instead of a visit you should Skype her more often or at least try and have a phone conversation. She may not be able to talk to you as well now so maybe that's why she is avoiding the phone. I'm not sure if that helped but I really hope that things work out for the best.

[Kristin91]

I think right now it's best to give her physical space to heal and get better, but I think it's also important for her to know that you're still there for her and that you still love her. Try getting her to check her email more often (that will also save on her phone bill, or if she switches plans)... best of luck to the both of you, and keep us updated on how she's doing and what's going on between the two of you!

[LostInLove]

I guess I'm in the possibly insane category?

You are doing everything right. At this early stage in the relationship, I would not travel to see her without her permission. Like you said, you guys haven't even skyped yet. Does she really want the first time you see her to be just after she had brain surgery? She might be more upset than happy if you actually visited her right now. I would keep up what you're doing now. Let her know you're here for her, let her know you'll talk to her whenever she needs to, give her all the support you can from a distance. But keep it at a distance until she's ready to see you.

As for the phone bill, did you know you can skype without using video? That's one way you could still have phone calls without either of you being charged.

[Eyelids Bare]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all the feed back... I really dreaded coming back to read my post because I know I sort of just exploded in text form. Since this post she is now home! So we were able to talk via AIM because right now she can't Skype or much of anything else with her phone till her bill is paid up. She got the provider to knock it down half way so that is great and I offered to help pay half of the remaining since really, it was half my fault.... of course she said to shut up. hah

Anyway! Now that she is out of speech therapy (with some work to still go, her thoughts still go faster then she can get the words out right now but she seems to not have trouble with words as much, just retraining her self to get her speed up between mouth and mind). We did have a good honest chat and she says nothing has changed. That it was good I was not there because I would not have been able to even see her during most of her time there.... And when I could have she either had therapy, a specialist, tests or was sleeping from the meds she is on. She still sleeps a lot due to strong pain killers. It will be a few weeks before the pain really fades out. But yeah! All insecurities squashed. I sort of felt like giving myself the largest face palming ever. But its just hard. With the timing and all... this would be the week she was coming out and then this happens and it is something I don't think people really stop and honestly think about. One of those big "what ifs" that I never really thought about at all with an LDR... It is not something you should dwell on really until it comes to pass or with luck and most often, doesn't come to pass.

So anyway, she is great! Far more a night person by default, she has been forced to be a day person, because her meds knock her out by 9PM...
All the crazy messages I sent her, were hardly crazy she said. So again that one was purely in my head. She said it was nice to know that even though she could not really call me back that she still got to hear from me. And it was enough to know I care and was thinking of her...

Thanks again for your thoughts. What I realized was the major issue once all the insecurity with this situation was destroyed (amazing what a few honest answers can do) I saw that most of this mess was from completely unrelated insecurities that I had not really delt with. Nothing to do with her at all really....
I've come a long way since staying with my family. Really healed a lot. Got solid again but I was attacking the BIG issues. Not the smaller ones. I was trying so hard to really get some of the big stuff stewing inside me resolved, that I never really even noticed the little nothing insecurities.
I have not had a real honest cry in a long time. Sure little ones here or there but when I got the news from her mom, I mean I lost it. Which actually surprised me even as I was going through it. Once those flood gates were open I think all the little issues sort of snuck out too. And hid behind this surface issue but now that the LDR stuff is out of the way, I just see all these underlying things that seemed to add up to more then the situation. If any of that makes sense. So I was up late after talking to her really meditating on things...

It is sort of like an embracing emotional hang over. But she still lesbians me (scott pilgrim joke that we adopted to sort of say the Big L word without saying it too soon. If you've seen the movie, you know. If not you should work on that). It has been a few days since we spoke but its completely a non issue now because I finally know what is going on. That really was the key. All the unknown silence. Waiting... To know anything at all.
Cheers folks!!

[TknandLvnIt]

I am glad that you two were able to talk things out and that you were able to get the reassurance that you needed from her! Good luck in your relationship and I'm glad she is feeling a bit better :-)