He won't visit!

[Amber]

I'm still having trouble with my SO coming to visit me! I am always having to travel back and forth every other weekend or sometimes more to go see him! He is usually working on weekends, and I go there and if he is working then I go out and do my own thing.

How do I get him to come visit me? I have dropped hints, I've told him to his face and have expressed in happy and sad ways how much it would be nice that he could come see me!

What other ways can I tell him that it would be really nice if he would make the trip to come see me?

What brought this up is that he has a open weekend before summer classes start up tomorrow and instead of coming to see me he goes and visits his guy friends that I am coming up next weekend for to celebrate their graduation! Two weekends in a row with them...and the entire time he is there he has been texting me that he wishes he could kiss me right now, or cuddle or watch a movie. And he tells me that I should have joined them, or that he should come see me saturday and sunday, yet they got to drunk friday night so they sleep and lay around the rest of the weekend. Its sad how much I know what they do and because of what they do I know what lazy butts they become after!

IF he is going to tell me he wants to come visit....then why doesn't he? Last time he was here was 5 months ago when I moved here. Frustrating! HELP!

[Stubborn Hope]

I would be completely straightforward with him. Tell him, "Listen... I am the one doing all of the traveling. You haven't visited me in five months. I think this is very unfair, and not creating an equal relationship between us. So, I'd really appreciate if we figure out a good time for you to come visit. Let's say... In the next month?"

I wouldn't bring how he chooses to spend his free time into the equation, unless you say something along the lines of "I'd like to spend some time with my friends here, like you get to, instead of traveling. We need to work this out. We both have other friends, and social lives." Criticising his social life is never a good path to go down, especially if you want him to see your side of things. Clearly he doesn't think he's being ridiculous or unfair.

However, if you do have a problem with the drinking and/or how he spends his free time (aside from seeing you), that is a separate issue, and should be addressed as such.

I would be super frustrated in your position! But yeah, be honest, be direct, and take the equality angle. Good luck!

[LadyMarchHare]

I agree with Stubborn Hope in saying you have to be completely straightforward and blunt. A lot of guys aren't very good in taking hints, subtle or obvious, and really it's just a better policy altogether to not beat around the bush when the issue is something like this.

If he has the time and the money available, ask that he visit you instead of you going to him but as mentioned do not verbally beat him over choosing to hang out with his friends. Ever heard the saying "bro's before ho's?" Crude as it sounds that's pretty much how it is, people can and will choose their friends over their relationship, especially when they're closer. You have to respect he has his life that he wants to live and being LDR allows him that freedom, but he has to respect as well that there are times where spending time with you has to be the priority especially if he's whining about wanting to be with you constantly. He cannot expect to bitch and moan until you give in and shell out time and money, he has to return the favor.

[Truth_Hurts]

He obviously isn't trying in this relationship. You should tell him to stop wishing that he could do this and that with you and just go do it, because in a fellow guy's eyes, that's hypocracy. Bros before hos is indeed a saying, but I highly doubt you're a ho. He needs to man the fuck up or he'll risk losing you.

Also, how he spends his free time is deeply tied to their relationship because every relationship needs a healthy balance. From what I'm reading here, this is not a healthy balance; things are tipped in his favor. I suggest having a serious talk with him. Don't be overly emotional when talking and stay calm. I wish you the best.

[JEREIANEDREI]

they are definitely right..I agree to the both of them...
...tell him directly how you feel,..my SO last visited me 6 months ago,.I'm missing him so much...but I understand why he can go visited me again,,coz there is a valid reason,,.Just be vocal and tell him how you feel,,sometimes men are insensitive..they just care of what they feel,,but dont care our feelings of missing them....be honest to him...Iknow your SO loves you..

[SDPersona]

Yeah, as the others have said, be straightforward in a nice way! No criticising him, because honestly it's just going to put him on the defensive and might even raise his hackles. Instead just tell him what him not visiting you makes you feel. "It makes me feel sad/angry/like a moron because of such and such..." for instance. Change You-statements into a feeling I-statement. That way you avoid the big guns while still being straightforward enough. Hope that helps! Wish you luck!

[LadyMarchHare]

He obviously isn't trying in this relationship. You should tell him to stop wishing that he could do this and that with you and just go do it, because in a fellow guy's eyes, that's hypocracy. Bros before hos is indeed a saying, but I highly doubt you're a ho. He needs to man the fuck up or he'll risk losing you.

Also, how he spends his free time is deeply tied to their relationship because every relationship needs a healthy balance. From what I'm reading here, this is not a healthy balance; things are tipped in his favor. I suggest having a serious talk with him. Don't be overly emotional when talking and stay calm. I wish you the best.

You misconstrued my reference to that phrase. Its meaning is that friends will always come before relationships, just because it has urban slang in it and is a little misogynistic doesn't make the meaning any less clear or true. Both men and women will put their friendships over their relationships or whoever they're dating because we all grow up with the mindset that "friends are forever". Does it excuse his going out with his friends more often? No but it puts it in perspective even if it's hypocrisy.

[Sav88]

Gotta be straight with him and tell him that a relationship is a two way street. If he really does love you and care about how you feel and about the relationship, he'd come see you in an instant if he feels like he's not doing the right thing by you.

[Truth_Hurts]

I fully know the phrase's meaning, but like other slang or idioms they have specific uses in certain context. But I'm not here to debate semantics, we're here to help the OP.

Side note, I'm not using what you said to antagonize you. Rather to illustrate a point that amber needs to show her SO that she is just as important to him as his friends are, if not more.

[LadyMarchHare]

I fully know the phrase's meaning, but like other slang or idioms they have specific uses in certain context. But I'm not here to debate semantics, we're here to help the OP.

Side note, I'm not using what you said to antagonize you. Rather to illustrate a point that amber needs to show her SO that she is just as important to him as his friends are, if not more.

Never implied that was your intent, I got the impression you took the phrase's mentioning the wrong way and merely wanted to explain it better in case that was indeed what happened. And I can see where you were going with it, but that was why I thought it was misunderstood since you said "but I highly doubt you're a ho". I didn't want anyone to think I was calling someone a name or being derogatory since that is rather far from the point of this thread or forum. You are right in saying the guy needs to be made aware that she has the same value as his friends in terms of company, if not moreso since she is more than a friend, but it is a sticky conversation to have since people can be sensitive about being told they're spending too much time with person A than person B.