PROPER APPROACH

[JEREIANEDREI]

...Coz this past few days I had a lot of problems...problems that needed some serious talk..and all I need is someone to talk with..I know that someone is my SO,.but he's not fun of serious talkin'...he said he wants a Happy talk always...he said he hates drama coz its giving him negative vibes...I dont want him to feel I'm pressuring him...

guys I need advice,,can u give me some?...on how and whats the proper way to approach my 'SO,,to have some serious talk with me?....

thanks

[kteire]

He can't just choose to only have the light, fluffy parts of communication in a relationship. He has to realise that relationships and people, have ups and downs, whether he's good at dealing with it or not! I'm sure he doesn't mean to be non-supportive, maybe he's got some serious things of his own that he would rather keep stashed away.
But do talk to him about needing support from him. Tell him you're only human; you can't always deal with these things on your own, and as someone who's important to you, it would mean a lot for him to try to be there for you. Just be honest with what you need from him. He needs to be there for you!!

[LadyMarchHare]

Honestly if he flat out refuses to speak seriously or address any negative issues, whether personal or related to your relationship, then you have a bigger problem than just feeling sad and lonely. If he can't do what it takes to soothe any frayed nerves or talk through an issue that, to me, shows he's not exactly mature. He's choosing to remain in ignorance and put on a happy face even if he has a knife wound in his side, but ignorance is never bliss. Either he talks to you or you find someone who has the sack to realize reality isn't made up of rainbows and brightly colored ponies.

[JEREIANEDREI]

thanks guys....

[BlueCat]

Yeah, you guys need to be able to have both the fun and the serious conversations. The serious conversations can be hard, I understand that and sometimes I don't want to have them and I'll end up crying but we still have the conversation, if you get it out in the open, and see the conversation through, we usually end up more relaxed at the end of it anyway. As for how to bring it up, I'm not sure. Just tell him that you need to talk to him about something that's important to you. If he can't listen to something that means a lot to you, then that's not good.

[JEREIANEDREI]

yah..i always end up crying..coz im too emotional,,it a serious one...

[Alexandria Lora]

Hihi Jereianedrei!
Honestly, he should be able to deal with everything in your relationship: the good, the bad, understanding your needs and wants. It shouldn't be one-sided; you should not only be working to make HIM happy, it should be a reciprocated process. Compromising is a shared process and if he doesn't care about what it takes to know what makes you happy, then there should be a discussion had between you both: What do you both really want in a relationship?

[redbellepepper]

the guys i personally know are somewhat like that. they tend to coil up when confronted with serious talks. but it doesn't mean that they care any less, on the contrary they want to be the problem-solver of their SO's issues. what they don't like is that they'll get caught unguarded. you can tell him straight away what you really feel deep down inside. if you were sad, tell him that you are and the reason that makes you sad. you can be as open as you can be without going too melodramatic. remember that most of guys want it straight to the point.

i have experiences of being way too emotional and however way i try to indirectly get his attention, he just don't buy it. and then i learned to be direct without denying my emotional needs. whenever i feel down and want him to listen to me, i'd start by telling him just that and i'd say that i feel he'll make me feel better if he could just listen to me. i am sure he'll listen to you. but if he keeps on avoiding serious talks, you could softly remind him about what relationship is all about. i see that you're engaged already to him and i believe that you should be having a different level of communication by now.

i wish you the best!

[Malaga]

the guys i personally know are somewhat like that. they tend to coil up when confronted with serious talks. but it doesn't mean that they care any less, on the contrary they want to be the problem-solver of their SO's issues. what they don't like is that they'll get caught unguarded. you can tell him straight away what you really feel deep down inside. if you were sad, tell him that you are and the reason that makes you sad. you can be as open as you can be without going too melodramatic. remember that most of guys want it straight to the point.

i have experiences of being way too emotional and however way i try to indirectly get his attention, he just don't buy it. and then i learned to be direct without denying my emotional needs. whenever i feel down and want him to listen to me, i'd start by telling him just that and i'd say that i feel he'll make me feel better if he could just listen to me. i am sure he'll listen to you. but if he keeps on avoiding serious talks, you could softly remind him about what relationship is all about. i see that you're engaged already to him and i believe that you should be having a different level of communication by now.

i wish you the best!

I agree with this. Perhaps the reason he wants to do only 'happy talks' is that he can't handle when you get too emotional or start crying. Men are particularly sensitive to guilt in my opinion, and they have a fight-or-flight response. He obviously doesn't want to fight you so he flees.

What I would suggest is, try to present your problems in the way that will be more clear and easier to handle for him. Try to keep it together as much as you can, get to the point as soon as you can and don't play the guilt card. Instead, be proactive and suggest what he can do to make you feel better about the problem. Let him know this is an isolated issue and you're not unhappy with him in general, just that this aspect needs more work. (If that's how you feel of course.)

My boyfriend hates guilt trips and he's prone to sulking and getting defensive. He has a big fear of failure and I normally have to pep talk him before I tackle any issues. I try to focus on how much happier I am when he does the opposite of what bothers me.

[Caitlin2009]

arguments and serious talks need to happen in order for any relationship to thrive and grow, if your just happy go lucky all the time its gonna be a problem in the end, so just say "we need to have a serious talk, i know you dont like those but we need to have one"

[JEREIANEDREI]

thanks guys...

[redbellepepper]

Instead, be proactive and suggest what he can do to make you feel better about the problem. Let him know this is an isolated issue and you're not unhappy with him in general, just that this aspect needs more work. (If that's how you feel of course.)

Exactly!

You can tell him ways he could help you address issues.

[Alexandria Lora]

arguments and serious talks need to happen in order for any relationship to thrive and grow, if your just happy go lucky all the time its gonna be a problem in the end, so just say "we need to have a serious talk, i know you dont like those but we need to have one"

I agree with Caitlin! You should be able to talk about everything (the good, the bad, the happy and the sad) between each other or in the end, one of you will become resentful for not being heard.

I also agree with redbellepepper and Malaga, some guys find it hard to deal with overly emotional issues and/or moments when he can't be there to comfort you. So I agree with having the conversation in a calm, less emotional manner so you can be heard. Plus being calm and in control allows you to say exactly what you need to get across to him an he'll listen.

Eventually, there must be some compromise between you both; he should listen to you when you need to be heard just as you would listen to him.

[Sierra]

Relationships are about communication, both you need to be able to express how you're feeling in a relationship in order for it to be effective. No man likes to hear the words 'look we have to talk', but there are things you can do to make your communication with each other more effective so maybe he feels like there's less drama.

I've found that by saying things like "I feel (how you feel) when you (their action) because (how it effects you)" is very effective. It personalizes what you're saying and doesn't necessarily place blame, but shows how another persons actions are effecting you, which is important in a relationship.

There is no way to avoid the bad sides, and while I'm all about avoiding drama myself, I do this by addressing issues as they come up instead of pushing them aside, the leads to less confrontation, breakdown in communication, and problems down the line. I tell my boyfriend my insecurities and why, and he tries to address them, and alternatively, I try to encourage my boyfriend to be open with me. I lower my defenses and don't get combative, or blame things on him, I hear what he has to say and we work out a solution together.

Communication, communication, communication. Without it, you have nothing.

[JEREIANEDREI]

thank you so much guys