Really new to LDR's...Help!

[eaoreilly]

This is the first time that I've EVER been in an LDR...and it's really a very long distance - 10,300 miles. We'd met 21 years ago when I was vacationing in his country, and by a quirk of fate, I contacted him in March...two months later, he loves me. But I am finding this to be really difficult - I do love him, but how do you get past the lack of physicality? We email, im, and talk via skype (I don't have web cam capabilities) every day. The earliest that we might be able to see each other is in August...If he can get to the US.

How does anyone else deal with this, as I could really use some assistance. Thanks much!

[LadyMarchHare]

There are ways to make up for the lack of physical presence. Some people find becoming closer emotionally helps, others seek comfort in gifts or a favorite shirt or piece of clothing their boyfriend/girlfriend has given them basically as something physical to hold that reminds you of them. You have to find what works for you, if you need the attention or if you can bear some silence, if you need something, even just a handwritten letter, to hold when you're feeling down. There have been times when I want my guy to be with me but he can't be so I'll go into my room, turn off all the lights, and pretend he's beside me in my bed and I'll talk. It makes me feel better but I have an active imagination so the reality that he's not there doesn't bother me.

Anyway, welcome to the forum. You've come to the right place for advice.

[BlueCat]

Welcome to the forum. LDR's are tough, and it seems like you're doing pretty much everything right, talking when you can etc. If you can get a webcam, I find that really helps, it's nice to hear a voice, but matching it to a face and seeing his expressions etc is really nice.

August isn't too far away, and I hope he does manage to visit. If you can send each other real letters or a gift, it does help. A card or as ladymarchhare said, something like a t-shirt or even a plush toy is really nice, because it's something that's actually physically present that you can hold that he's given to you. Occasionally, I'll take to the habit of when I'm in bed, laying an extra pillow along my back so it's like someone's there pressed against me. Just don't give up

[eaoreilly]

Thanks so much for the advice...I have to admit, it was such a surprise to me, and he's so sweet. Both of us are in our 50's, and this type of relationship is quite new to us...

[rori795]

Welcome to the forum! Of my five serious relationships, three have been LRDs, so i'm like the queen of living without physical contact. haha. I do what the other two ladies recommended. I have a very active imagination, so I often times pretend my guy is with me when I'm about to go to sleep at night. Getting a body pillow really helps, because it almost does feel like there's someone next to you. That pretty much has gotten me through the past few days since my SO headed to Basic (I'll have no contact with him via phone or internet for 6 weeks!). Luckily, before he left, I was able to steal a shirt from him which smells like him. Because of your distance, it would be hard to steal a shirt from your SO, so maybe ask him to mail you something.

The biggest thing about a LDR though is communication. Basically the only thing you have when you're not together is communication, so writing letters, keeping a shared journal (you keep it for a month and write in it every day, then send it to him and he does the same), talking on the phone, chatting online, etc. are the most important thing. We also made mixed tapes for each other before he left, so that whenever I hear certain songs, I think about him. Lyrics are a great way to communicate your feelings. I would also recommend investing in a webcam. You can get a cheap-o one with ok quality on ebay for less then $20, and it will hook right up into your laptop or desktop computer. You don't need the best quality, but it's nice for him to be able to see you.

[Junebug]

Welcome to LFAD!!! Yes being in a LDR is not easy because of the distance and the not being together but it is all worth it. Just like someone above said that you have to be emotionally and spiritually connected. My SO and I are so close to each other because of the spiritual and emotional stuff that when we are apart and can only talk on the phone or with text that it is okay. We know that we will be together as soon as we can and know that when we are together that it is the best time ever and we make every moment last as long as we can. The physical distance is hard but when you know that one day you will get to see each other and hold their hand and be close then that is what makes the difference. Love makes a difference.

[Élan]

Welcome to the forum!

First of all, I'd recommend getting a webcam. Once you start using it, you won't know how you lived without it! Being able to see and hear your partner is so much better than a regular phone call. Once you get a webcam and get used to being in a LDR, the lack of physicality won't be so bad. It's difficult at first, but I think it's something everyone learns with their partner.

I might also recommend getting a journal for yourself. There may be occasions where you're really depressed or frustrated with the distance, but you know neither of you can fix it right now. It really helped me to write all those sad and angry thoughts down in a journal, which I have since discarded! It helped me get rid of those strong emotions without bringing the negativity in to my relationship.

By the way... wow, what a story! You met 21 years ago and just reconnected? That's fantastic!