New Directions and Goodbyes

[Auiamini]

Well I recently cut off all contact with my SO about 4 or 5 days ago after finding out he's engaged. We had been dating over three years, and we ended everything about 5 months ago because he couldn't take the distance anymore. He had been sick for a while, and I guess with all that, me being so far away and not being able to be there for him, and the fact that we were in a rough spot just made him give up. We had continued to talk and be friends and I'm still not sure all this even happened, I guess it hasn't set in yet. I was a bit hesitant after we ended everything to continue talking because I knew getting over it would be 10 times harder but I went with it anyway. I was on face book the day before I removed him from everything, and apparently 3 hours before he had entered into an engagement...first time I'd heard about it, first time I heard he was even dating someone else. I honestly would of been okay with it if I had been told, some type of acknowledgment so I could have closer, but I wasn't...I found out over face book (seriously?). A lot of my friends said I should of talked to him..but what am I suppose to say? "Congratulations on your engagement I'm happy for you but I really want to go die right now".
One of my friends is a mutual friend of ours so I was talking to him about it, and his first reaction when I told him was "Already?" So he explained that they had been doing okay for a while I guess a few weeks maybe a month I don't really know, but he said it was way to soon. I suppose now it really wasn't meant to be, and a few people told me I should have done something, but what is there to do? Obviously he cares enough for this other girl to get married to her after a short time so...why attempt to stand in his way. Besides she's actually there...I'm not . After I removed him from everything, he sent me a message on face book and was like "and you deleted me..guess this is farewell..goodbye." That's all, so I wished him good tidings and asked him not to contact me again. If I talked to him I probably would of said some really regretful things, but in a way I hate that that is how we said good bye. It's hard enough watching someone you love, love someone else...so I really am not sure what to do now..I know the routine of moving on, I've gone through it a few times...but this time its different, if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.

[rsvpnj]

I am sorry for your situation! I have been through a similar situation before and I know how betrayed you can feel.

The only comfort that I can offer you is that life does go on and your closure is the betrayal you feel. This is your sure sign that this person was not the one that was meant for you. I am sorry if that offers little comfort... but I say them with all the empathy in the world.

[Auiamini]

I am sorry for your situation! I have been through a similar situation before and I know how betrayed you can feel.

The only comfort that I can offer you is that life does go on and your closure is the betrayal you feel. This is your sure sign that this person was not the one that was meant for you. I am sorry if that offers little comfort... but I say them with all the empathy in the world.

Thanks, I guess I never thought that in its own little way that was closure..even if its not how I wanted it to be.

[rsvpnj]

I know its difficult. I felt the same way about my first love. Our relationship ended in a similar way (although we were not long distance) and I felt no closure. It was not until years later when I met my current SO (even after a failed marriage).... that I realized that his betrayal of our love had been all the closure I needed. When I realized how wonderful my BF is, that's when I realized I had deserved better all along and I didn't need "closure" from a doomed relationship at all.

Stay Strong!!!

[iamangel]

After reading your thread I feel the pain that you feel right now. I want to cry because I know it hurts and its like i feel it too. But I know all the pain that you feel will fade away in no time... Just think if this, you deserve someone better than him. Kisses and hugs for you :-*

[JEREIANEDREI]

...I feel the pain,,I feel so sad as I read your post..augh I'm crying...I'm sorry...
I'm sorry for what happens,,If I were you I dont know what to do too and what to feel...Im such an emotional person,,and such a crying baby...to be honest i've been in a doomed relationship a for a few times,,and I moved on...but now with my SO now,,I dont know if I lose him,,I think i'm dying too...

all I can give you is the advice of just think of EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON...maybe God has better plan for you,,don't lose hope,.God is Good,,close your eyes,take a deep breath and ask for God's assistance,,.he is the only one I know that can help us in rough times like this...Be strong...who knows,,maybe one of this days your SO will come back and talk to you,.and tell you the real story..maybe not to bring the relationship back,,but for the formal closure for you to move on easily...God Bless you!... :'(

[Auiamini]

After reading your thread I feel the pain that you feel right now. I want to cry because I know it hurts and its like i feel it too. But I know all the pain that you feel will fade away in no time... Just think if this, you deserve someone better than him. Kisses and hugs for you :-*

Thank you, and your right...the cure for most everything is time, it just feels like it will take forever..

[Mizpah]

Not to play devil's advocate here, but he really doesn't owe you anything. I know that you spent over three years with him, and were trying to be friends, and as a friend you'd expect to be told of a new girlfriend or something as major as a fiancee, but you're not just the friend. You're the ex. And that is apparent from your reaction. Just a friend wouldn't feel 'betrayed,' but they would be pissed that they didn't know about a girlfriend or get told about an engagement in a more organic and thoughtful way. This doesn't apply if he lead you to believe that there was a chance of you two working things out.

Before my ex (was with him a bit over three years, engaged for two), went stalkery and suicidal and we were trying the friend thing, I still didn't tell him about the guys I dated. It seemed thoughtless and cruel, especially since he ended up having a hard time with the break-up. Making it clear we were over seemed like enough salt in his open wound. By the time I met Aaron (three months, one day after the breakup/two days after I would have married my ex), my ex had become those things and a jerk to boot, so I didn't tell him of my move to NC to be with my now-husband just three months after we became a couple, our engagement barely two months later, or our elopement that summer. I know it seems quick, and confusing, or like he must not have cared about you. That isn't true, and I can say that since my husband and I are kinda like your ex and the new girl in the sense that he had met a girl online in December '08. They started talking, became a couple around February, met in person, and she turned out to be high drama and kinda mean to him. She dished out ultimatums and broke up with him in February. They kinda got back together, and were kinda broken up again not long after. This went on until he ended things with her when he moved over 1,000 miles away to be with his family. Until me, he'd thought she might be what he'd been looking for, but her unstableness and other things that simply would not have worked between them became more apparent even before I came along at the end of that September. They still talked and she was still not over him until a month or two before we met.

We were fast to fall in love, and it was everything we had ever dreamed of and more. The ex who was no longer in contact, or even a FB friend, became a stalkery wreck. Even sent him a "book" she had written about them including all their messages back and forth over the course of their short-lived romance. When he informed her that she did not have his permission to publish, that he was engaged and had moved on. She was not thrilled to say the least, despite the fact that this was a year after she had dumped him the first time. Accused him of having "fake feelings for her" if he was with me now and so forth. While it's true that he had thought he loved her, and did not, he had cared for her. There was no cheating, betrayal, or false feelings in that. Someone cannot betray you by not feeling the same as you do, or by finding that as much as they might have wanted you to be the one, you simply weren't.

That does not mean there is anything wrong with you, nor does it mean he should be penalized for finding the person we all dream of finding. I hope for his sake, and hers, that what they have is real, otherwise it will be a horrible mistake. And let me tell you, you may have truly loved him, or you may discover that what you felt for him was a cheap imitation when you find your person. That's how it was for me. Let yourself hurt, embrace that pain, but also let yourself heal. This isn't the end, simply a new beginning.

P.S. *Hugs.* I know it hurts. I have had awful experience when it comes to guys so I can sympathize and empathize. It didn't feel too nice when my ex-fiance started hanging out with the ex he swore he had no feelings for every weekend after I called for our break/break-up. I had to remind myself that he was free to hang out or be with whoever he chose, and in my case, I hadn't loved him as much as I tried to but it still stung.

[Auiamini]

...I feel the pain,,I feel so sad as I read your post..augh I'm crying...I'm sorry...
I'm sorry for what happens,,If I were you I dont know what to do too and what to feel...Im such an emotional person,,and such a crying baby...to be honest i've been in a doomed relationship a for a few times,,and I moved on...but now with my SO now,,I dont know if I lose him,,I think i'm dying too...

all I can give you is the advice of just think of EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON...maybe God has better plan for you,,don't lose hope,.God is Good,,close your eyes,take a deep breath and ask for God's assistance,,.he is the only one I know that can help us in rough times like this...Be strong...who knows,,maybe one of this days your SO will come back and talk to you,.and tell you the real story..maybe not to bring the relationship back,,but for the formal closure for you to move on easily...God Bless you!... :'(

You're right, God does have a better plan for me...it just seems like I'm the only one who doesn't know it. In a way, I guess I've always known that, but I've spent so long trying to figure it out on my own...

[Mizpah]

You're right, God does have a better plan for me...it just seems like I'm the only one who doesn't know it. In a way, I guess I've always known that, but I've spent so long trying to figure it out on my own...

Been there. He really does have a plan for you, and it was just three months and one day until He showed me who I was meant to be with after I finally stopped trying to figure it out on my own and gave it to Him.

[Auiamini]

Not to play devil's advocate here, but he really doesn't owe you anything. I know that you spent over three years with him, and were trying to be friends, and as a friend you'd expect to be told of a new girlfriend or something as major as a fiancee, but you're not just the friend. You're the ex. And that is apparent from your reaction. Just a friend wouldn't feel 'betrayed,' but they would be pissed that they didn't know about a girlfriend or get told about an engagement in a more organic and thoughtful way. This doesn't apply if he lead you to believe that there was a chance of you two working things out.

Before my ex (was with him a bit over three years, engaged for two), went stalkery and suicidal and we were trying the friend thing, I still didn't tell him about the guys I dated. It seemed thoughtless and cruel, especially since he ended up having a hard time with the break-up. Making it clear we were over seemed like enough salt in his open wound. By the time I met Aaron (three months, one day after the breakup/two days after I would have married my ex), my ex had become those things and a jerk to boot, so I didn't tell him of my move to NC to be with my now-husband just three months after we became a couple, our engagement barely two months later, or our elopement that summer. I know it seems quick, and confusing, or like he must not have cared about you. That isn't true, and I can say that since my husband and I are kinda like your ex and the new girl in the sense that he had met a girl online in December '08. They started talking, became a couple around February, met in person, and she turned out to be high drama and kinda mean to him. She dished out ultimatums and broke up with him in February. They kinda got back together, and were kinda broken up again not long after. This went on until he ended things with her when he moved over 1,000 miles away to be with his family. Until me, he'd thought she might be what he'd been looking for, but her unstableness and other things that simply would not have worked between them became more apparent even before I came along at the end of that September. They still talked and she was still not over him until a month or two before we met.

We were fast to fall in love, and it was everything we had ever dreamed of and more. The ex who was no longer in contact, or even a FB friend, became a stalkery wreck. Even sent him a "book" she had written about them including all their messages back and forth over the course of their short-lived romance. When he informed her that she did not have his permission to publish, that he was engaged and had moved on. She was not thrilled to say the least, despite the fact that this was a year after she had dumped him the first time. Accused him of having "fake feelings for her" if he was with me now and so forth. While it's true that he had thought he loved her, and did not, he had cared for her. There was no cheating, betrayal, or false feelings in that. Someone cannot betray you by not feeling the same as you do, or by finding that as much as they might have wanted you to be the one, you simply weren't.

That does not mean there is anything wrong with you, nor does it mean he should be penalized for finding the person we all dream of finding. I hope for his sake, and hers, that what they have is real, otherwise it will be a horrible mistake. And let me tell you, you may have truly loved him, or you may discover that what you felt for him was a cheap imitation when you find your person. That's how it was for me. Let yourself hurt, embrace that pain, but also let yourself heal. This isn't the end, simply a new beginning.

P.S. *Hugs.* I know it hurts. I have had awful experience when it comes to guys so I can sympathize and empathize. It didn't feel too nice when my ex-fiance started hanging out with the ex he swore he had no feelings for every weekend after I called for our break/break-up. I had to remind myself that he was free to hang out or be with whoever he chose, and in my case, I hadn't loved him as much as I tried to but it still stung.

I understand what you saying, I didn't really think of it like that. True, he didn't owe me anything, no explanation or justification of his actions, I honestly didn't expect him to tell me he was dating someone else. My only problem was a conversation that had taken place a few short weeks before. Some things were said to me, that you wouldn't tell someone if you generally knew they were trying to keep things on a friendly bases. Plus if your dating someone else, they shouldn't of been said in general, but you are correct I am just the ex. I guess I expected some form of politeness from him that I shouldn't have. To me honestly if I was in his shoes I would of said something...because I wouldn't anyone to be in the position I am in now. But thank you, kinda put things in perspective.

[Mizpah]

I understand what you saying, I didn't really think of it like that. True, he didn't owe me anything, no explanation or justification of his actions, I honestly didn't expect him to tell me he was dating someone else. My only problem was a conversation that had taken place a few short weeks before. Some things were said to me, that you wouldn't tell someone if you generally knew they were trying to keep things on a friendly bases. Plus if your dating someone else, they shouldn't of been said in general, but you are correct I am just the ex. I guess I expected some form of politeness from him that I shouldn't have. To me honestly if I was in his shoes I would of said something...because I wouldn't anyone to be in the position I am in now. But thank you, kinda put things in perspective.

I'm glad I was able to help and that you understood what I meant My post, I know, could easily have been taken badly. That's why I added that disclaimed, I wondered if he had said something (or some things) that might have lead you to believe that there was a chance. I am sorry that he did that. That really isn't fair, especially with the whole other girl thing. Do you have any idea how long she's been in the picture? I do wish you the best in time and healing. It's hard, but sometimes the heartaches are what reveal the most to us. I am actually thankful for mine now, and now that I have found my person, they seem like mere skinned knees Funny how perspective changes with time and circumstance.

[Sav88]

You are strong and you just have to pick yourself up and move on. There's a much better man out there for you and I'm so sorry to hear about this. I don't think that his engagement (or marriage) will last with this new woman. But you do wonder if he was cheating on you when you were together since he was the one to break it off with you. But you did the right thing. Just move on and you'll find happiness again. *Hugs*

[Silviar]

Not all relationship ends are clean. My own marriage failed, and I had no closure - I had plenty of hurt and anger, just like yours. you may not get over it right away - don't be upset about that. Do the best you can, give yourself time to be angry - say, 15-30 minutes to rage out a day, but tell yourself that after that time you're off to live your life. I'd recommend working out, it'll do wonders for your hurt and stress about the situation.

His hang-ups are his hang-ups, and him choosing to not talk about his relationship or a very fast engagement tells a lot more about him than you. Remember that. It sounds like you may have saved yourself a lot of trouble.

[Auiamini]

I'm glad I was able to help and that you understood what I meant My post, I know, could easily have been taken badly. That's why I added that disclaimed, I wondered if he had said something (or some things) that might have lead you to believe that there was a chance. I am sorry that he did that. That really isn't fair, especially with the whole other girl thing. Do you have any idea how long she's been in the picture? I do wish you the best in time and healing. It's hard, but sometimes the heartaches are what reveal the most to us. I am actually thankful for mine now, and now that I have found my person, they seem like mere skinned knees Funny how perspective changes with time and circumstance.

Yea, when I first read it I was kinda a bit angry but I thought about what you said and it made sense. I can't say for sure for how long shes been there, but if its who I believe it to be..probably since December of 2010. And thanks again, I've already thought long and hard about it all, so I can begin to move forward...just taking it one day at a time.