One of those lonely and insecure nights...

[Eyelids Bare]

Those of you that read my earlier thread know that there has been a lot going on with a girl that while we are not officially official, we were just about there when she sustained a major injury. Skipping all the chaos I wrote about, the last time I heard her voice (other then voice mail of course) was on the 5th... She is now out of Speech Rehab and home. With some recovery still to go. She still is on a decent amount of meds. The big one being the one she has to take for the pain in her head that will take another week or two to subside. Those knock her out. Ironically during free evening call hours... So it goes.

But its been hard.
We did speak on AIM somewhere around a week ago. It was good talk, with her even admiting she was stailing going to bed and she had mad an effort to stay up FAR later then she has been able too in many weeks...Which completely said a lot to me. And I had a chance to lay some of my selfish insecurities out there to which she assured me nothing had changed. And things were fine for the week but it always seems hard at night. Knowing we can't talk. We got out of hand talking every night, again it just happened so naturally we did not think about it realistically. I know she is not 100% comfy with the phone yet too with her speech but she has called me in the past and since all this and should have nothing to worry about it.

And we are different people I suppose. I can say I'd be calling her far more often then she seems to need or want to talk to me. And it is not so much about being needed but really that I just want to know how she is. How she is doing... What she is thinking etc...

So my mind and I do admit it is something I am working on because I should not be this insecure (it is not really her that makes me this way, so I've been trying to really give her space, and only call every couple of days and drop an email here or there for when she gets around to checking her email) - it is myself that has some small insecure scar with an itchy stich. I don't want her to see me in such a light but at the same time, just hearing her voice or talking to her online for even a minute, helps.

So what do you do on those insecure nights? Where you know all is fine but some part of you just is thinking the worst all night? Its a hard situation. Knowing that she is out of the hospital now... This week, I've just rounded it all up to getting re-settled at home but I know next week and the weeks to follow, I will want to go visit because before all this it was just sort of...part of our lives. Knowing now, I could have lost her, not just in a hopeful romantic sense but geniunely lost someone I cared for more then even I knew... Every day just feels so long.Every day, is one more that I realize we only have one life. And I simply want to give us a chance, to see how far our path goes together...

[LadyMarchHare]

If you fear coming off as insecure, perhaps tell her this and ask that she let you know when you've crossed the boundary, nicely. Just one sentence, maybe a particular word, whatever works that way you can know what is taking it too far and can work on it so you don't do it again or as often.

I've had about roughly a hand full of nights or strings of days where if there is little to no contact I tend to have very negative thoughts. Sometimes they're insecure, most times it leans more toward paranoia. There have been at most 3 separate cases where I've called his phone 30+ times in the span of a couple hours regardless of if I left messages or not simply because I became concerned if he was alright, if something was wrong, so on. It's easy to say you just have to trust they're alright and that they haven't left you, but there is such thing as overthinking or thinking about something so much that it stops being an idle thought and becomes reality. The mind is a complex and dirty dirty thing.

[Eyelids Bare]

Yeah, the irony is that this completely has flipped things. She used to be the really insecure one. Until the last month we were talking regularly she would apologize for all sorts of nothings, like rambling and what... A few times, she would even ask if I still liked her, which would sort of take me back because I was not sure how clear I was making it... but I think I've always made it far more clear then she has. Often I would just tell her to hush in a playful way and she would know that she was being silly... And now here I am being the one that wants to ask her if she still likes me. I think its just hard knowing she is home and there are means to be in touch beyond just cell phones and I've suggested a few. Its to the point where if she says she will call me the next day I just have doubt. And before there was never doubts. The longer she is home as the weeks go by it is just hard not hearing from her. The hospital was one thing. Speech thereapy was understandable. And I know she goes to be early... but I know a lot of the day is spent just watching movies and resting but resting while awake. Not just sleeping like before... Anyway rambling. Its just crazy - again - before all this, she was the insecure one and I was trying to let her know she has nothing to be insecure or worry about... and now here I am.

[LadyMarchHare]

Insecurity often times follows no logic, it's there because it can be not because there's reason for it to be. And I can understand if she's just bumming around the house, she may not feel emotionally up to talking whether it's a short conversation or not, it happens. My SO and I tend to take turns with the insecurity and other negative emotions because we both suffer from similar problems that stir the emotional pot here and there. As long as one of you can assure the other when it happens, then you're alright. It's when you both have it at the same time that you're in trouble.

[Eyelids Bare]

Thanks for the reply, I suppose technically we've been on alternating shifts with our insecurities... Though, I can not say for sure since I have not been insecure until now of all times. When all I want is of course to be strong for her. But just going so long without even knowing what she is thinking about... how her recovery is going. It is hard... If I can just talk to her even once a week, I'd feel far more at ease. Just to know how everything is on her side...

[LadyMarchHare]

If there's a way to get hold of her, perhaps you could ask her for a weekly text/phone call/IM/whatever to just update you on her healing process, how she's been, and so on? It's not much to ask for and wouldn't require a great deal of effort if it was just once a week.