I'm legitimately curious, where do we draw the line?

[FadedSunrise]

Based off that parents and rules thread, I really do am beginning to wonder. I don't currently have an opinion either way on this so I'm going to generally present my situation, and let the rest of you take a crack with yours.

Like the OP in that thread, I have strict parents. Strict parents who I really shouldn't have told that I was dating my SO to, because they flipped and strictly forbidded it-and issued the ultimatum that if I was to date him they will never talk to me again. They would not kick me out of the house or disown me, for that is bad for their own "face" and "honor". But they will act as though they have. Strict parents who are against interracial marriage, who judge character by the basis of education and career(artist and doctor=different social classes).

The first time they told me this, I cried for a week, and then obediently did as they asked and broke up with him. I felt like I had chest pains for that long because of how much I didn't want to.

Then after 3 weeks I couldn't take it any longer. I really liked him, still do, and so I secretly got back together. I pay, of course, for all our communication by text(online service) and phone(phone card), and letters mailed. But that doesn't really matter-just that, somehow my silly little mind felt like even though LD is hardly a real relationship the words "Breakup with him" still caused me shivers and made me cry myself to sleep at night.

But I do understand, truly, as you all said about their house their rules. Whatever they ask of me to do for household maintenance is done, and sometimes I do extra. They have rules to call before I leave to go home, call if I'm going to be out past a certain hour, and not come home later than 10:30pm. I have never broken a single one of those rules.

Although I have more than enough money to pay for my own plane ticket and living expenses in a hotel to visit my SO in China this summer, because my relationship is not open to them and because they forbid me travelling alone("because you're a girl!"-I have to admit this rankles my nerves. I've always been tomboyish though), I spent another week crying myself to sleep and hardly concentrating but in the end obeying them.

Aside from the fact that "technically" we're not broken up and I am sending him small gifts and letters, everything else I've done in my relationship and my life has been 80%+ obedient to their wishes. I consider myself extremely filial, and have always put others, especially their, needs first. To the tune of two giant boxes of tissues cried over my relationship in 2 months.

So, forum, where is it that we financially dependent living at home kids are supposed to draw the (excuse the language) FREAKING LINE? You can tell me to just go and get my own place if I'm this annoyed, but its not that easy. It will be 3-4 yrs till I've got my law degree in hand...

[Zandria]

I can relate, I'm having issues whether I should visit my guy even though my mother thinks I'm crazy and will be absolutely upset with me. Where is the defining line to appease your parents, but at the same time live your own life and be happy with your SO? I'm finding this quite difficult to find one, since apart of me wants to be like "screw you" and just do what I want, cause it's my own life and I'm an adult. But, I want to keep the relationship with my parents, I almost see it as being unfair, especially to my SO, since he feels like it's his fault..

[LadyMarchHare]

As I was going to say in the other thread before it was closed, I don't think anyone is going to argue that parents can and do sometimes get out of line regardless of what the intent behind their actions is. It depends on a lot of things including (but not limited to) how they were raised, their cultural background, their personal beliefs, and whatever other influences have entered what they believe they should or should not do as a parent. The media's actually a good example on how parents can get out of line because the news doesn't exactly play up positive stories so there are a lot of tragedies, kidnappings, murders, and so on and it feeds paranoia.

When you have to go to the lengths of hiding your relationship entirely then I would say that's crossing the line because while we should respect our parents, we should not be ruled by them in the same way a slave would be ruled over by their owner/master. To me there's not really love in those sorts of actions, it's more about control than keeping their child safe and their definition of happy.

I had a very controlling parent and I'm talking the mentally-unstable version, not the standard strict parent. I was never allowed to be in any room he was not, no door was ever allowed to be shut, not even the bathroom door, and if I was on the computer he reserved the right to stand right behind me and watch everything I typed. If I was on the phone, he was listening in on another phone in the house. All my mail was read by him first, every purchase I made had to be approved by him, and if he did not like anything I brought into his house he reserved the right to throw it out or take scissors to it while I watched. He wasn't doing any of it because he loved me, he wanted complete and utter domination.

And despite my mom being more controlling when I was younger, I proved to her that I was intelligent enough to not do drugs, smoke, drink underage (or, as I'm now 21, become an alcoholic) or anything that was deemed destructive and irresponsible. I still live with her and I do consult her about most things, but even if she does not agree with me so long as I present some logic to her she will not stop me. Case in point my relationship, my mother is very against my SO because he's black but she did not stop me from going to see him, did not tell me we had to be in separate beds or that sex was out of the question. My point is she trusts my judgement enough to back off even if she does gripe and give me "talks" like I'm 12 still. I wish she wouldn't but I know it's how she shows she cares instead of just letting me do whatever without some word of wisdom and possibly regret it.

Everyone's parents are different, especially when it comes to a controversial subject as LD dating. It's hard enough for some parents to grasp their kid's old enough to date at all, but when you mix in the fact they're x number of miles away, in a different country, whatever then it's almost a recipe for disaster. If they can't handle it, that's on them and if talking to them like a reasonable adult doesn't stop them from throwing up a STOP sign in your face then you basically have to figure out how to endure until you're able to be in a situation where you can make decisions for yourself without consulting Mom or Dad first.

[theyellowdart]

Well, i'm not sure i'm much help in this thread.. but i'll give my story I suppose.. I grew up in a house where my parents were very relaxed simply because I was a boy. I could come and go as I please (within reason) and ultimately do what I wanted to as long as I was being safe about it. However, once I turned 18 it was one of those situations where my parents said time to get out and do something, because you're not getting a free ride with us anymore. Since than I have joined the military, and have been paying for my education by serving.. It was probably the greatest thing my parents could of done, because now here I am, 23 years old, living in my own place, progressing in my military career and working on my degree so that here shortly when I get out I will be able to find work! I've greatly enjoyed being out on my own, and being able to make my own decisions without my parents having any say in, well, anything. However, that's just my situation. Everyones is different, and I feel for you guys who have to deal with you're 'rents still being a big portion of your decision making. It's the pits, man, its the pits :P

[Phimini]

I'm very lucky in that my parents have been, over all, pretty accepting of my relationship. At first they were hesitant to let me go to see him, a 320 mile and six hour drive. But I think they realized that I'm 'growing up' and I'm old enough and mature enough to do this. I still feel like it's kind of an 'elephant in the room' still, but it's gotten better.

Personally, I think that any person still dependent upon their parents should have the right to do what they chose, if they have the maturity to, it's not something that will get them in trouble or hurt, and they a way to pay for it if it requires it. Obviously, that's not always what happens though... I think it's very unfair for the person being restricted because when you're mature enough, I think that you really need to start doing new things. But parents' house means parents rules or else things can get complicated fast... that's the problem I had the first time I wanted to go see Corey. My parents still had not made a decision on if they would allow me to go. I told my friends about it and some told me to just do it, but I know that I live with my parents and I have to follow their rules because they give me a home, food, and pay for my school.

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm very lucky in that my parents have been, over all, pretty accepting of my relationship. At first they were hesitant to let me go to see him, a 320 mile and six hour drive. But I think they realized that I'm 'growing up' and I'm old enough and mature enough to do this. I still feel like it's kind of an 'elephant in the room' still, but it's gotten better.

Personally, I think that any person still dependent upon their parents should have the right to do what they chose, if they have the maturity to, it's not something that will get them in trouble or hurt, and they a way to pay for it if it requires it. Obviously, that's not always what happens though... I think it's very unfair for the person being restricted because when you're mature enough, I think that you really need to start doing new things. But parents' house means parents rules or else things can get complicated fast... that's the problem I had the first time I wanted to go see Corey. My parents still had not made a decision on if they would allow me to go. I told my friends about it and some told me to just do it, but I know that I live with my parents and I have to follow their rules because they give me a home, food, and pay for my school.

I would've used the word 'privilege' instead of 'right' since even when you're on your own you don't always get that chance to do what you want, but that's beside the point. Point is I think that's the perfect way to word it because I have to say that not everyone who is an adult in the eyes of the law is mature because physical age doesn't equate to maturity. You don't automatically become an adult when you hit 18, you become one when you can handle yourself, the situations you're in, and handle them well. So long as you have the potential to take care of yourself and have proven you can be trusted and are mature, parents should indeed respect that and give leniency. But we don't really live in an ideal world so we can't always get ideal situations like that, y'know?

[Phimini]

I would've used the word 'privilege' instead of 'right' since even when you're on your own you don't always get that chance to do what you want, but that's beside the point.

True, privilege is probably a better word.

[FadedSunrise]

For the record, the parents don't think I'm old enough or mature enough to do this. They were clear when we argued that since I went away to China and somehow came back with a connection to someone I'd seriously like to have a serious relationship with, then obviously my mind was abducted by aliens and they must redouble their control efforts because I was growing up so normally before. They do not know him, and they will not-they have made it also clear that they only wish to meet my final choice for husband.

What does not make sense is that they say I can and should only date casually now and use boys as fling toys, but then somehow by age 28 have already had a steady boyfriend of a few years. They wish for me to not be their drone, but will only approve boys of Chinese heritage who are doctors/lawyers, etc, and initially only looked down on my SO for his degree in athletic training. Honestly, that remains the only things they bring up-how he will not have a career when older, how he cannot make it in America, how I am superior and should look for people of my education and upbringing in America.

[LadyMarchHare]

For the record, the parents don't think I'm old enough or mature enough to do this. They were clear when we argued that since I went away to China and somehow came back with a connection to someone I'd seriously like to have a serious relationship with, then obviously my mind was abducted by aliens and they must redouble their control efforts because I was growing up so normally before. They do not know him, and they will not-they have made it also clear that they only wish to meet my final choice for husband.

What does not make sense is that they say I can and should only date casually now and use boys as fling toys, but then somehow by age 28 have already had a steady boyfriend of a few years. They wish for me to not be their drone, but will only approve boys of Chinese heritage who are doctors/lawyers, etc, and initially only looked down on my SO for his degree in athletic training. Honestly, that remains the only things they bring up-how he will not have a career when older, how he cannot make it in America, how I am superior and should look for people of my education and upbringing in America.

That sounds like a cultural bias to me, which I can understand. I have a cousin who's fiance is Vietnamese and her family is of the same mindset. The ironic thing is they have never approved of her relationship despite them knowing each other through highschool and being engaged for 7 years (she wanted to get married after she finished Pharmacy school) yet her brother met a Vietnamese woman once when they went to visit family and within not even a year were engaged and married and they approved of it every step of the way simply because she was the same culture.

I find it rude that your parents don't find you mature because the few times I've talked with you, it shines through very easily. Some people, however, only see what they want to see and believe what they want to believe regardless of if the truth is beating their skulls in.

[Phimini]

It's unfortunate that your parents don't feel you are mature enough to do what is you want to do. Although I don't know you personally, I've seen no indication that you are not a perfectly rational and mature person, capable of making sound decisions.

I hope they can come to their senses someday. Until then... Stay strong. You and your SO have what it takes to overcome this.

[leonsfangirl]

This is a tough issue.
In regards to the parents thread that has caused a bit of a stir, i would sneak around them and do it anyway but my parents were never that strict. I had my boyfriend come on a family holiday that my parents paid for and they really didn't care where we slept as i was 18 and in the U.K the legal age is 16 so no law breaking and if we were allowed to under there roof, we wouldn't take stupid risks and be more open about our relationship with them.

I would do exactly as your doing in your situation too, as i dont think parents have the right to control there child in that way UNLESS it's a serious situation that could be dangerous for the child.

Just keep doing what your doing within reason, be safe and remember it won't be this way forever.

[LadyMarchHare]

This is a tough issue.
In regards to the parents thread that has caused a bit of a stir, i would sneak around them and do it anyway but my parents were never that strict. I had my boyfriend come on a family holiday that my parents paid for and they really didn't care where we slept as i was 18 and in the U.K the legal age is 16 so no law breaking and if we were allowed to under there roof, we wouldn't take stupid risks and be more open about our relationship with them.

I would do exactly as your doing in your situation too, as i dont think parents have the right to control there child in that way UNLESS it's a serious situation that could be dangerous for the child.

Just keep doing what your doing within reason, be safe and remember it won't be this way forever.

I have to agree with this despite my belief that honesty is the best policy because sometimes the situation is just flat out hopeless and you're better off keeping thing on the down low than introducing mass amounts of drama into your life that can be avoided. Trust is a two-way street and if your parents cannot trust you with even a pen despite you having shown you're capable of making sound, adult decisions then there's really no reason for you to trust them with information such as your dating. Depending on your perspective it's not lying but rather an omission of the entire truth. (hey if you have to justify it, might as well, right?)

The only time I can understand a parent being almost obsessive in their behavior of control/safety is if the child is reckless, irresponsible, or just generally dumb in the head. If it's an honest to God reality they'll hurt themselves or do something they'll regret when they grow a brain then yeah step in a little, but if there's no logical reason to be that uptight then the reins need to be loosened. Let them prove to you that they can do something and give them breathing room in turn.

[BlueCat]

I never really had issues with not being able to do things because my parents didn't want me to.

Growing up I certainly had rules etc, but I didn't find them too strict and I stuck by them. A lot of them were fairly unspoken, but we still knew they were there. And I just found, that by respecting their rules, they developed a respect for my behaviour and judgement. I've been with my SO for over 5 years now, and we still sleep in seperate rooms when he visits, though I've never bothered to ask for a change in that rule, firstly because my bed isn't really big enough for both of us anyway, and secondly because I don't want to push it with something like that. No parent likes to think about their child in bed with someone under their roof (sex or no sex).

At his house though, I started in the guest room, the last time I visited I was staying with him at his college apartment so obviously we were sharing then, and when we got back to his house we simply kept sharing the same room and they didn't mind. It just worked out. At the start when I visited, they would ask him to keep his door open when we were in there together, but I think they've gotten used to me now

Sometimes it just takes time and patience, but it does depend on if the parents are being reasonable in the first place, I didn't find anything in my situation unreasonable at all, but some people would probably argue that. In any case, if you can have an open discussion as to why something is an issue, without yelling or getting into a heated debate etc, it can really help, just to see each other's point of view.

[Caitlin2009]

first off how old are you?

[BlueCat]

This thread is just another one of those that seems to be coming up at interesting times, after reading and replying yesterday, my SO has since told me today that he's having a lot of trouble with his mum with her being really controlling. Not wanting him to go out to see his friends, demanding he comes straight home from work and doesn't stay up late etc. Which is all ridiculous, because he's 24. But she has always had a bit of a thing for having a go at my SO as opposed to his other siblings. No matter how many things he does right, she goes out of her way to find something to berate him about. Really stressing him out at the moment, and he left Uni/college for the semester so that he could get away from stress, not have more piled on top of him.