worries about going back to CDR

[lunamea]

Okay, so as my year abroad is ending in 2 months and my husband is increasingly meeting up with his new best friend, I'm getting really worried about how things are gonna be when I get back. I won't start work anymore because I want to finish my studies and I wanted to put the internship I want to apply for off to autumn so I can enjoy the summer with my hubby. The last 2 weeks made me question those plans… what's happening is that he's meeting up with his friend almost daily. They've been going clubbing every weekend before and I was fine with that, but out of the past 5 days, they met up on 4, which strikes me as odd. His friend is married, but unemployed, so he has a lot of time on his hands. Still, I'm very surprised at the frequency at which he contacts my husband… they talk on the phone daily or he texts him or they meet up to have dinner or go have a drink. I've never heard about adult friends meeting up that often and it annoys me greatly. There are three reasons to this: 1) the financial aspect (we're saving up for a car and obviously, going out 5 times a week is not saving money), 2) I'm jealous, because I usually only get to hang out with my friends on weekends here and back home, I used to meet up with my friends as little as once or twice a month! 3) I'm really scared that things with his friend will go on that way after I'm back. My husband promised they won't, but before I left, we've constantly been arguing about this friend of his, and by now, I'm expecting nothing to have changed when get back. Or rather, things will have changed for the worse, because I'm not working anymore and have a lot of time on my hands, too. For a few days now, I don't feel like going back anymore and I feel guilty for that, because for the past 2 months (since my last visit), I've been yearning to go back...

So, for the people who are planning to go from LDR (back) to CDR: do you also worry your SO has gotten so used to having their life to themselves that having you there will make them feel trapped or controlled? Thoughts? Advice?

[agentholli]

I don't have any advice..i haven't been in a CDR with my SO. We haven't met yet in person. I am afraid however, that when we do go to CDR..it won't be what he wants because he likes to have "his time" he claims he wants to be with me 24/7..but I don't know really how much he means of that. I wonder often if when he is here if he would come home from work and want a couple hours to himself to unwind. He likes his unwinding time.

But I can understand why you feel this way. I hope that things work out the way you want them to. I wish you luck!

[Italia10]

My SO will be ending his year long position in Italy in about three months. We are not married but I have some very similar concerns as you. This past year I have worked hard and saved because we discussed taking the next step when he came back. However, he is in another country and has been traveling and going out to dinners, happy hours etc. He also has other friends and family visit...and he shells out a lot of money for those trips as well. This drives me nuts because I always say to myself "What about us?" Also, he was sort of like my social director. He likes to go out where I am homebody. With out him here I actually miss going out! Tonight he also fell asleep while we chatting on AIM. (BUT...that is another story for another night).

However, I do believe that our minds have a way of playing tricks on us. I believe a lot of my concerns are based on the fact that I dont know what the future holds and I am way too fixated on it. Maybe you too are just anxious to get back to your home and right now your SO really is not doing the typical things he normally does when you are there. If it really concerns you however, I think you need to talk about it. Going out with his friends may have become habit for him and he might not even see what he is doing because he just does it so often.


Good luck and feel better!!!!

XOXO

[Bluestars]

While I have not gone back CDR, I have gone from LDR, to CDR, back to LDR again, and I can understand your concerns. I think Italia10 is right. You are probably just uncertain about how things will be when you get back. From experience, any transition like this will be hard to adjust to (at least for me lol). Remember how it was when you first went LDR? Did it feel a little bit stressful and take some time getting used to? It might just be like that when you get home. You both might spend a month getting used to living together again, but eventually you will fall into a normal schedule again

If you know in advanced that you might have a little more free time since you will not be working when you first get there, you might want to start a hobby or something. I know when either my SO or I have nothing to do, we both get bored/ irritated somewhat easily when the other one is busy. If you give yourself something to do, then you won't be as bothered when your SO does go out because you will be doing something as well.

[Mio]

Just let it flow as it come!

[Zephii]

I understand that. Whilst we weren't CDR, I had a long holiday in Canada, came home, and then had some similar concerns on returning to Canada - especially as my SO is so young/inexperienced. He didn't go out with his mates quite as often as your husband does but it was still often enough to make a financial dent. We talked about it, and having me here seems to help him say no a lot of the time, or I'll suggest things that we can do together that wont cost money. I also make requests about how long his outings with friends take/ what time I want him home by and stuff, and usually if it's reasonable he goes along with it.
I agree that it is weird for a grown man to hang out with a friend that much and it would erk me too.
Bluestars hobby suggestion is a good one. I'm like that too, I'll get irritated with Obi if I'm home alone and he's out with friends, so I try to keep myself busy if I know in advance he'll be out.
I don't know what you can do to avoid him feeling trapped or controlled though.
Wish you all the best

[lunamea]

Thanks for your replies! It's good to know that other people worry about the same things and that financial issues are a point of potential argument for you, too.
I know that I'm a worrier and, to make matters worse, one that worries too far ahead of time. Actually, my husband told me the same as Mio:

Just let it flow as it come!

I guess there's some truth to that – it's early enough to have a fight when I get back and he really keeps going out with his friend almost daily. It's just that the time before I left was very rough for us (it was stressful because we had to move apartments and I had some big exams while working at the same time, plus our work schedules only allowed us to see each other for an hour/day before he went to sleep [he worked the early shift and I often worked the late shift, part-time] and then he started meeting up with his friend on weekends…] – all that combined with the constant thought that I'll be leaving soon was just very hard and resulted in a lot of fights and drama. I don't ever wanna go back to that.

I am afraid however, that when we do go to CDR..it won't be what he wants because he likes to have "his time" he claims he wants to be with me 24/7..but I don't know really how much he means of that. I wonder often if when he is here if he would come home from work and want a couple hours to himself to unwind. He likes his unwinding time.

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about as well – as it is now, my hb can do whatever he wants when he gets home and usually, he sleeps for some time, then watches TV/talks to me and then goes to bed. When I'm back, he'll have to get used to not sleeping in the afternoons again, which is very hard for him because he works physically and is quite exhausted when he gets home. We've had quarrels about that before, because my job would involve sitting in front of a computer for hours and I would want to go outside a little in the evening, to which he would, of course, be opposed because he'd been outdoors all day (he's a roofer)! We're just perfect opposites in our jobs and that makes things very difficult. Then again, he lately does go out with his friend on weekdays and that's where I get annoyed – he claimed to be too tired to go out with me but not with his buddy.

That's another aspect of the whole thing: I just feel unfairly treated. Also on a financial level: right now, he can throw his money around as much as he wants, because, even though I know how much it costs to go out so often, I don't know exactly how much he spends/how long he's out and don't really say anything as long as I'm not there because I don't expect him to spend all his time at home. And yes, it will be less when I'm there, just as it was with you, Zephii. However, I don't see why it should be! If he spends money on doing fun stuff with his friends, why not spend money on doing fun stuff with me? I don't see why I should deny myself fun things when he doesn't do the same when I'm away. When I visited (I was there for 10 days in January), I wanted to do something the first weekend I was there (go see a movie, go clubbing, whatever) but he rather wanted to stay home and go out the second weekend I was there (I fell ill before that, however, and we ended up not going out at all.) He told me that he likes staying home with me, being couchpotatoes and, as much as I like that from time to time, I just felt like I wasn't worth spending money on (as he refused to split the plane ticket costs, we agreed that he'd pay for everything while I'm there visiting).

Still, I feel it's the right decision not to do my internship in summer. I'd be home for a few weeks and would then be living a 3-hour train ride away for 2 months again. Of course, this would be better for my studies, because if I do the internship in autumn, I'll lose a semester to that. But I guess I can use the time in autumn to study for my final exams – this will probably be my hobby! Also, our new apartment is anything but finished and my granny, who had a minor stroke a few weeks ago, might need more help as well.

So, all in all, I agree with you guys that I'm just worried about all the changes that have taken place while I was gone while at the same time being afraid of things with my hb going back to what they were before. I guess I'm afraid of things having changed and of things not having changed at the same time!! A perfect example of "doublethink" (for those of you who know Orwell's '1984').

[Gurl]

Him meeting up with his friend so often could be nothing more than him trying to fill the lonely hours that he won't have as many of when you get back.. I often try to see the positive spin on things

There is a post here somewhere on what a military GF/wife should expect when her man comes home. I think a lot of that applies to any situation where you were once CDR and have been apart for a long time, with few visits. I'd suggest reading that before you head home. Either one or both of you could go through those stages for varying amounts of time, but knowing what's going on can make it easier to deal with. Hopefully, though, things will be smooth in transitioning back. *big hugs*

[Tanja]

I don't have experience on going back to CDR but I'll throw my comment in lol.

I've found it a bit hard to let Andy be a part of my everyday life whenever he's here (babe if you read this don't panick yet lol), meaning that I'm a very independent person and it's hard for me to let Andy help me around the house and do stuff for me cause I'm so used to doing everything, and I mean absolutely everything, myself.

He often complains (for a good reason though) how useless he feels when I won't let him participate in the chores and he just wants to help and I understand it but I still won't completely accept it lol. I've gotten better at it though!

I think in your situation you have nothing to worry about because you've lived together before and it's still your life and your home you're going back to so I'm pretty sure things will get back to normal fairly soon. And I'm sure his friend will have the brains to give you guys more alone time and not to pop in everyday. If not, tell him to back off lol.

[agentholli]

I think that uncertainity brings a lot of fear and if you let your mind go into those fears, you can get into a dark place fast! Me and my boyfriend often talk about that. I know its harder to do then to say, but sometimes you just gotta let it play out. I know that i personally have to remember that!