Trying to be supportive, but it hurts.

[meg]

My boyfriend was meant to be coming down next week. I'd booked the week off work, he'd bought the ticket.... and he's cancelled.
He's got university work to do, which he's put off and left to the last minute, and now has to catch up. So far, I've tried to be as supportive as I can - we've not had a single visit since our first meeting, back in January, and I've tolerated this and said I understand, that school comes first, that he needs to concentrate on his dissertation, etc. etc.
This was going to be our first visit. I've literally been ticking off the days since January to get to June 1st. And now he's cancelled, I'm heartbroken. He won't be able to make the next visit until the end of July, another two months.
That'll be 7 months I've waited patiently to have this one visit. He only lives 4 hours away, but he won't let me visit him because he's "too busy", but then he's had days where he hasn't worked at all, and there'll be more of them to come I'm sure.
I'm not really sure what I'm meant to do. I don't want to give him an ultimatum, because that would be cruel. I'm so upset, and he knows this, and he says he feels terrible. But 7 months?! I'm angry. I don't want to be his priority over university, but I'm only asking for a few days. If it were me, I'd work my butt off day and night to make that visit.

Thoughts please! Any at all. Tell me I'm overreacting.

[LadyMarchHare]

If he had to cancel because he procrastinated with his university work I think it's understandable you should be upset. He knew the work had to be done eventually and he chose to put it off, even if he was not aware in doing so it would affect your visit. That was his choice to not do the work and it affected you both, so next time he needs to think more about the repercussions in order to avoid a repeat of this. And I can understand the idea that he is busy, but if he has days off and the ability to take off there's really no other excuse. There's a chance he's using that as an excuse to hide perhaps a less than lovely living situation (such as living with parents, rude roommates, a bad apartment, etc) or just general embarrassment that might arise.

He's definitely made some less than stellar decisions and again you have the right to be upset over it and I do believe you should talk to him about it, but not in a way that's accusatory or finger-pointing. "I feel sad when...", "I feel angry when...", those sorts of statements. Gets your feelings across clearly without saying "look dude this is your fault, fix it." Might try talking to him more about the possibility of visiting him sometime and finding out just why he is refusing the idea. If he has some sort of skeleton in his closet it needs to be cleaned out.

[holdinghands]

I agree with everything LMH said.
I now your pain, though. I haven't seen Tom since May last year, and he said he was coming to see me on August 16th, October 24th, December 29th, this january, and then this May. Every single one has been cancelled, although not as drastically as yours, he cancelled days before he was supposed to book it. and now he's planning a visit in June but I doubt that will happen.
You're not overreacting, you have a right to be upset about what he did, but if he is showing genuine remorse then it won't be much use blaming him (not saying that you are) or focusing on how dissappointed you are in him. You should maybe try and make new things to look forward to for the time being, like go out with your friends more often or something to take your mind off of it just for now. *big hugs*

[JEREIANEDREI]

My boyfriend was meant to be coming down next week. I'd booked the week off work, he'd bought the ticket.... and he's cancelled.
He's got university work to do, which he's put off and left to the last minute, and now has to catch up. So far, I've tried to be as supportive as I can - we've not had a single visit since our first meeting, back in January, and I've tolerated this and said I understand, that school comes first, that he needs to concentrate on his dissertation, etc. etc.
This was going to be our first visit. I've literally been ticking off the days since January to get to June 1st. And now he's cancelled, I'm heartbroken. He won't be able to make the next visit until the end of July, another two months.
That'll be 7 months I've waited patiently to have this one visit. He only lives 4 hours away, but he won't let me visit him because he's "too busy", but then he's had days where he hasn't worked at all, and there'll be more of them to come I'm sure.
I'm not really sure what I'm meant to do. I don't want to give him an ultimatum, because that would be cruel. I'm so upset, and he knows this, and he says he feels terrible. But 7 months?! I'm angry. I don't want to be his priority over university, but I'm only asking for a few days. If it were me, I'd work my butt off day and night to make that visit.

Thoughts please! Any at all. Tell me I'm overreacting.

Once excused is enough...If that 4 hours distance you only have is too effortless for him then you have the right to feel upset..Wish we only have that short distance,,lucky you are you only have 4 hours away,,but us we have 18 hours away,,then needed visa just to be with him,,,a long process to take...now were almost 7 months being apart and its driving me crazy,,for my longingness to my SO,..for some point each one of us has its own reason and we need to respect that,,but sometimes men are inconsiderate,,but it doesnt mean they don't love us...LOVING IS UNDERSTANDING,,since you love him..it hurts but we need to accept it...but if you think that enough is enough,,then be vocal to him...you are not overreacting you are just being EXPRESSIVE for what you feel...I know what you feel,,I feel you...and one thing you need is to pray,,as God is the answer,,he will keep you positive and strong...Good luck to us!...God Bless

[snow_girl]

Once excused is enough...If that 4 hours distance you only have is too effortless for him then you have the right to feel upset..Wish we only have that short distance,,lucky you are you only have 4 hours away,,but us we have 18 hours away,,then needed visa just to be with him,,,a long process to take...now were almost 7 months being apart and its driving me crazy,,for my longingness to my SO,..for some point each one of us has its own reason and we need to respect that,,but sometimes men are inconsiderate,,but it doesnt mean they don't love us...LOVING IS UNDERSTANDING,,since you love him..it hurts but we need to accept it...but if you think that enough is enough,,then be vocal to him...you are not overreacting you are just being EXPRESSIVE for what you feel...I know what you feel,,I feel you...and one thing you need is to pray,,as God is the answer,,he will keep you positive and strong...Good luck to us!...God Bless

It doesn't matter if you are 4 hours or 18 hours away from your SO. If you don't get to see them its the exact same distance.

[Moon]

Once excused is enough...If that 4 hours distance you only have is too effortless for him then you have the right to feel upset..Wish we only have that short distance,,lucky you are you only have 4 hours away,,but us we have 18 hours away,,then needed visa just to be with him,,,a long process to take...now were almost 7 months being apart and its driving me crazy,,for my longingness to my SO,..for some point each one of us has its own reason and we need to respect that,,but sometimes men are inconsiderate,,but it doesnt mean they don't love us...LOVING IS UNDERSTANDING,,since you love him..it hurts but we need to accept it...but if you think that enough is enough,,then be vocal to him...you are not overreacting you are just being EXPRESSIVE for what you feel...I know what you feel,,I feel you...and one thing you need is to pray,,as God is the answer,,he will keep you positive and strong...Good luck to us!...God Bless

Please keep in mind that this isn't a religious forum, not everybody is a believer of the same, if any, faith. Also, men are no more inconsiderate than women, as I'm sure everyone here can attest to. I don't think it's helpful to tell the OP that she's "lucky" because she only has a 4 hour distance, it might as well be 1000 if she can't see him.

OP - I don't feel you're overreacting, I don't blame you for being upset since he really could have gotten that work done. I'm not sure I'd be quite as understanding as you are, he should consider himself lucky to have such an understanding girlfriend, and remember that next time you plan a visit. I'm sorry you'll miss him

[rori795]

Honestly, I don't think you're over-reacting at all. It's odd that he seems to be making no effort to see you, and I hate to say this but it almost seems like he's avoiding seeing you (won't let you visit even though you're only four hours away, he procrastinated his own work, etc.) I think it's completely appropriate to let him know that you're upset and this is unacceptable, but I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. If it happens again in July when he says he'll visit you, then I would reconsider that.

[Miramaid]

Did not read the comments, but read a word DISSERTATION in your post. I am in my first year of doctoral program and it is HARD!!!! And I swear to you when he says he is busy he most likely is and the moments he chooses to put himself together to continue to work he most likely wants to spend away from many people (including you).

If he is working on his dissertation and procrastinated and now has to catch up - yes you can be upset, but still do not overreact. We all are people and... GOD, grad school, especially on a doctoral level, SUCKS!!! And sometimes you just can't put yourself together to write those endless 30 pages papers all the time and read hundreds of pages every week. I myself had a lot of problems at school this semester and it is only my first year - not even close to dissertation.
Believe me lazy people do not get accepted to a PhD, so he sure is NOT lazy. A few of our professors made it clear to us that when doing PhD better not even have personal life at all because there is simply no time for it (of course people are people and not everyone chooses to stay single during doctoral studies).

Focus on seeing him in July. Writing a dissertation is quite a process and the school "owns" you during doctoral studies, so if he had to CANCEL his trip there must have been a reason for it

[DropkickDisco]

Once excused is enough...If that 4 hours distance you only have is too effortless for him then you have the right to feel upset..Wish we only have that short distance,,lucky you are you only have 4 hours away,,but us we have 18 hours away,,then needed visa just to be with him,,,a long process to take...now were almost 7 months being apart and its driving me crazy,,for my longingness to my SO,..for some point each one of us has its own reason and we need to respect that,,but sometimes men are inconsiderate,,but it doesnt mean they don't love us...LOVING IS UNDERSTANDING,,since you love him..it hurts but we need to accept it...but if you think that enough is enough,,then be vocal to him...you are not overreacting you are just being EXPRESSIVE for what you feel...I know what you feel,,I feel you...and one thing you need is to pray,,as God is the answer,,he will keep you positive and strong...Good luck to us!...God Bless

4 hours, 18 hours, 24 hours.. it doesn't matter. It's all distance. Also, this is NOT a religious forum. we all respect your religion but it's not appropriate to bring it up in this fashion. We're a diverse community of couples of different distances and religions. Please keep these things in mind when you post.

To the OP: you have reasons to be upset. I sure would be, anyway. If he wouldn't have procrastinated, he would be there. However... what's done is done, so try to not beat yourself up over it too much. focus on what could be, not what hasn't been.

[Mara]

I had this same problem with my SO. We went months once without a visit because he was busy with university work and his job. I just couldn't really understand why he was so busy or why he couldn't make time for me. At some point, I just had to accept that he really was busy and that he did want to see me, but he had other things that were more important than me that he had to attend to. I think it's been easier for me to understand this semester because I've been extremely busy myself.

I would be upset if I were in your position as well, but try to forgive him. I know he wants to see you and even though you may not realize it, he's just as disappointed as you are that the two of you aren't going to have a visit for another two months.

[TknandLvnIt]

Please keep in mind that this isn't a religious forum, not everybody is a believer of the same, if any, faith. Also, men are no more inconsiderate than women, as I'm sure everyone here can attest to. I don't think it's helpful to tell the OP that she's "lucky" because she only has a 4 hour distance, it might as well be 1000 if she can't see him.

OP - I don't feel you're overreacting, I don't blame you for being upset since he really could have gotten that work done. I'm not sure I'd be quite as understanding as you are, he should consider himself lucky to have such an understanding girlfriend, and remember that next time you plan a visit. I'm sorry you'll miss him

I understand that this isn't a religious forum but one's beliefs do influence one's opinion in a given situation. For the poster and myself God is the first choice when seeking a solution to a problem. However I do understand that you feel as though one should respect everyone's religious beliefs...but her opinion as was stated is based on a belief in God. I don't think its fair to respect one person's religious beliefs or lack there of and not the other's.

OP: In response to your post I do feel as though you are justified in your frustration. I think that your SO needs to make more of an effort to see you. It sucks to be counting down and have the date changed on you right before the visit (definitely been there) but at least he isn't canceling on you completely and is making an effort to see you shortly after that. Its only a few days later than you expected to see him but you will still see him. Would it be possible for you to visit him on the original date? You should definitely talk to him about how you are feeling about his procrastination, the distance and the sudden cancellation.

[Moon]

I understand that this isn't a religious forum but one's beliefs do influence one's opinion in a given situation. For the poster and myself God is the first choice when seeking a solution to a problem. However I do understand that you feel as though one should respect everyone's religious beliefs...but her opinion as was stated is based on a belief in God. I don't think its fair to respect one person's religious beliefs or lack there of and not the other's.

OP: In response to your post I do feel as though you are justified in your frustration. I think that your SO needs to make more of an effort to see you. It sucks to be counting down and have the date changed on you right before the visit (definitely been there) but at least he isn't canceling on you completely and is making an effort to see you shortly after that. Its only a few days later than you expected to see him but you will still see him. Would it be possible for you to visit him on the original date? You should definitely talk to him about how you are feeling about his procrastination, the distance and the sudden cancellation.

In order to be fair to everyone's beliefs, religion should be kept out of it altogether, unless it's wanted by the OP. There is a saying that goes something like religion and politics shouldn't be discussed in polite company, and its not very helpful to an OP when they're looking for practical advice. That's just my opinion though, your mileage may vary, and that's fine. Differences are what makes the world go round.

[LadyMarchHare]

I understand that this isn't a religious forum but one's beliefs do influence one's opinion in a given situation. For the poster and myself God is the first choice when seeking a solution to a problem. However I do understand that you feel as though one should respect everyone's religious beliefs...but her opinion as was stated is based on a belief in God. I don't think its fair to respect one person's religious beliefs or lack there of and not the other's.

OP: In response to your post I do feel as though you are justified in your frustration. I think that your SO needs to make more of an effort to see you. It sucks to be counting down and have the date changed on you right before the visit (definitely been there) but at least he isn't canceling on you completely and is making an effort to see you shortly after that. Its only a few days later than you expected to see him but you will still see him. Would it be possible for you to visit him on the original date? You should definitely talk to him about how you are feeling about his procrastination, the distance and the sudden cancellation.

Not to start any sort of religious debate, but there's a difference between offering advice and supporting someone's beliefs and offering your beliefs as the only valid advice there might be. Simply saying "pray about it" instead of anything else is about as helpful as posting "I have no idea what to do". It has little to do with the religion itself and more about the helpfulness of the advice being given. If someone offered reasonable advice, then tacked on something like "God will take care of you" on the end, there's no harm in that. My point is posting solely religious advice such as "pray" or "let God take care of it" is not helping the OP, regardless of their beliefs. If they do indeed share the same beliefs I would think the person would already be praying for guidance, help, and anything else God is willing to give them while asking advice in terms of what they themselves can do. Isn't there a saying that goes along the lines of, "God helps those who help themselves"?

No offense meant with anything I have said, I am religiously tolerant, but I understand why such advice given continually can be seen as annoying or offensive. It's just flat out not helpful.

[Silencedsongs]

Guys,

Not to add to the fire, as I'm sort of being a hypocrite by typing this, but... If the OP had any problems with the post, it should be up to them to decide such. Instead of filling the the thread with things that do not need to be added. If you thought it was important to be stated, could have sent a PM.

[redbellepepper]

Thoughts please! Any at all. Tell me I'm overreacting.

you're certainly NOT overreacting! your bf is lucky enough to have such an understanding partner like you. and yes, i agree with you---if it were us, we'd work our butts off just to make that planned visit.

do i sound to be on the same boat with you?

*hugs*