Help!

[looby1707]

Hey guys, I'm new to this site!

I met my boyfriend at my best friend's wedding to his brother in October 2008. I'm 30 and he's 41. At the time we met he was living in Ibiza and I was in England. I visited him in Ibiza for Christmas 2008 and he moved back to live in the UK in February 2009. He stayed with me for 5 weeks before returning to Scotland to stay at a friend's house. This was only supposed to be temporary until he found a job near me when it was hoped he'd move in with me!

We were a couple until January 2011 when he decided to call it off without discussing it with me but kept in contact with me "as friends". It turned out he was scared of moving down to mine and having a family (he's already got an adult son). 2 months later (in March) he told me he'd made a mistake and wanted us to try again! I agreed although he'd really hurt me because he told me he'd realised he did want to move down here and have a family with me .

We met up while I was in Scotland in April 2011 staying with my friend and his brother but we didn't talk things through! We've tried to talk about things on the phone but we both end up getting frustrated and argue. My feelings for him have been damped down by the hurt I felt when he ended things but we've spoken today and the thought of giving up on us made me cry so I know my feelings for him are still there! He's supposed to be coming down on Wednesday to stay with me for 5 days so we can see if we can get back on track.

I'm scared that spending time with him will make things harder. He's really struggling to find a job even though he's looking in Scotland and by mine. I own my own house and have been in the same job for over 10 years so I don't think it's fair to expect me to consider giving those up to move to Scotland. Also I'm very close to my family whereas he was away from his family and his son for 3 years while he was in Ibiza.

I feel like we've reached a stalemate but am trying to keep positive! He's on antidepressants which aren't helping him and I'm having work worries too on top of all this which isn't helping me. And my mum doesn't believe that he's right for me because in her eyes he's not making as much of an effort as he should to make me happy. I know she's got a point but she really needs to realise it's my life!

I feel like I've nowhere to turn and I don't know what to do!

[TknandLvnIt]

I think you need to talk to him. My SO did something similar with me and all it took was a visit from me to convince him that he wanted to be with me. I wasn't taking no for an answer and I really wanted to see him even if we were just "friends" and that helped him to know that I was serious/special. The trip will be a good idea because you can talk face to face. You can say a lot of things over the phone but in person things are real and if the connection is still there you may be able to continue your relationship. Tell him all of the things that you are expressing here! I told my SO that he hurt me when he said "he couldn't handle the distance and that meant we should just stay friends" and he knew that he would have to earn my trust back and knew that he would do whatever it took for as long as he had to make sure that i knew he was serious and all past doubts were gone. I hope that your SO does the same thing.

[looby1707]

Thanks TknandLvnIt! I hope you're right. What doesn't help us is that we're both stubborn although I generally contact him sooner than he does. He has a habit of cutting off his nose to spite his face which is what he did in January! Part of me thinks he was selfish for asking me to try again in March when it doesn't really seem as though anything has changed but at least I'll know one way or another after this visit, huh! I actually feel better now I've joined this site. It's reassuring knowing I'm not the only one out there and there are people who are going through the same thing and who are prepared to talk about it to make it easier for themselves and others :0)