Make or Break Time!?!

[looby1707]

Hey guys

My bf is coming to visit tomorrow and staying until Monday. I know I should be happy about it but I'm worried! We met in October 2008 and officially started going out in December 2008. I've always been honest about wanting a child or two and I feel that time's running out for me. I'm already 30. He's a bit older and has a grown up son but said at the beginning that he'd like the second chance to have a family and "do it right".

I've also always been honest about the fact that I believe it's right for him to move to me. I've been in the same job for 10 years and have my own house. He's been unemployed for the last 2 years and is staying in a bedroom at a friend's house! But the way the government is here he'd lose his benefits if he came to mine without a job and I can't afford to keep him on my wages! He tells me he's applying for jobs all the time but I know he's being choosy about the jobs he applies for!

Is it wrong for me to get frustrated and take that as him not really being committed to moving in with me???

To make things worse for us, he finished with me in January 2011 and for a time refused to have any contact with me. Then he started contacted me as a "friend" which really messed my head up!

Then in March 2011 he decided he'd made a mistake, wanted to be with me, have a family and was prepared to move down here. I agreed to give him a chance to prove himself to me but it wasn't long before he was acting as though everything was ok and we were back to the way we'd been before! Nothing has changed that has given us a date when we can say that we'll actually live together!

To top it off he's been really depressed (he's on tablets from the doctor) and now he's saying he doesn't know what he wants. I can't help feeling he was selfish to ask me to give us another chance when he doesn't seem to be doing anything to prove himself to me!

I love him and believe he loves me but I'm worried he just can't commit enough to give me what I need or us a chance to work!

This is the first time we're going to meet and actually be able to speak openly face-to-face since March and I really don't know how it's going to go although I'm trying to keep an open mind!

Sorry for the rant! As you can probably tell I needed to let that out!!!

[LadyMarchHare]

If he's been depressed for a while I can understand his lack of action. Depression's not just being sad, it affects you physically. It makes you tired, it makes you hurt more than usual, it can take an act of Congress to just get out of bed every day and even with anti-depressants, if he's in a bad situation they're not going to magically make him happy or content to the point he'll start firing out resumes left and right and taking whatever job's available in order to get where he wants to be. And really I think he can reserve the right to choose what jobs he applies for. I'm only 21 and I'd sooner be in a box under the interstate than work certain entry-level positions I know are standard fare for my age group. He's already having a hard time dealing with daily life, he can at least get a job he'd tolerate over one he'd probably get fired from for not wanting to show up because he hates it so much.

The thing with these situations is, you never honestly know if they're trying or not because you can't physically see them looking in the Classifieds every day or filling out applications or patrolling the streets for "help wanted" signs. All you can do is go by what they say and whatever assumptions you make from their words or their lack of them. So for all you know, he's doing the best he can with what he has available to him. It's not easy and it's honestly easier to become discouraged and upset than it is to remain positive and upbeat, especially when you start to not hear anything from prospective jobs because you might be too old for their tastes, you don't have the right experience, your existing medical issues might end up a problem, etc.

Take the face time to talk to him, gauge where he's at with all this, what he's been doing, what he's willing to do, and what YOU'RE willing to do. You're a team, if one of you isn't picking up the slack the other needs to stop and figure out why, not keep going and assume they'll continue working eventually.

[looby1707]

Thanks for the input LadyMarchHare. I know what you're saying makes sense in relation to his depression and I should be more supportive but I can't help but wonder whether he's ever going to get any better or if this is how he's always going to be.

Your points about his job hunting also make sense but I can't help wondering if I'm being taken for a mug. That's not helped by my mum and friends being negative and telling me he should be doing more if he really wants to be with me.

I've got problems with my work at the minute and we seem to be at a point where I don't know what to say to support him and he doesn't say the right things to support me.

I'm hoping we'll be able to talk things through while he's down here and we'll also get time to relax and remember why we started our relationship in the first place but I can't help being scared that we'll get back on track and things still don't go our way in that he doesn't get a job!

I don't know if I can do the distance thing indefinitely because the way it's been since March is no good to either of us but then not having him in my life doesn't bear thinking about! I just wish there was a date that we were working towards when we knew we'd be together!

[LadyMarchHare]

Depression always has the ability to get better even if it's clinical (i.e. no reason for them to be depressed vs situational which is depression because of, well, a situation therefore justified) because there are a lot of medications out there as well as therapy. The problem is, no one can ever say WHEN it will get better and I think that's what a lot of folks have trouble swallowing. With a cold or the flu or a broken arm you generally know when things will return to normal and you can anticipate it even if it's off by a few days or weeks. Depression, along with pretty much every mental disease/disorder, can't be calculated so easily and so it becomes hard to understand why, even with medication, someone isn't getting better.

I think what this comes down to is your personal stress and the people around you putting bugs in your ears about him is coloring your vision. And really when you're stressed out it's all too easy to become influenced by what someone else is telling you, what they say this person should be doing versus whatever you might be thinking or versus general logic. The woman I called my best friend for 9 years, last year when my SO dropped contact with me for a month out of nowhere, started accusing him of cheating, possibly doing things I would not approve of, lying, avoiding me, etc. And after a while her bull started to make sense and I lit into him in text messages and voicemail. Now while he was not exempt from a little tough love because he had indeed just up and vanished for a whole month, the reality of the situation when he finally found it "safe" to talk to me was a far cry from what I was being told and frankly I felt a fool. I'm not saying the two situations are exactly the same in that aspect, but I wanted to emphasize the possibility that you're thinking what you are because of what's being pounded into your head by the people in your life as well as general stress and your own genuine worries.

You're both down on your luck emotionally right now and that can spell disaster in some cases because it's hard to say "everything's going to be alright" when you feel like the world could end tomorrow, you feel so awful. But you're both adults, you're both capable of picking yourselves up enough before you fall over completely even if it becomes harder each time. So long as you're both fighting, regardless of progress being made, then it will be worth it.

[looby1707]

Thanks again for that! This is the killer... he's now not able to come down after all because his car's broke and he only realised it wasn't up to the journey after he'd filled the tank with petrol. Now he doesn't have money for train fares either and I don't have enough to pay for them either! He doesn't seem very disappointed or sorry and had a go at me when I was upset!

[LadyMarchHare]

Well that's not very good. Is there no possible way you two could reschedule for a later date when one of you is able to pay for the train ticket? Though right now if he's got a bug up his butt about something it may not be the best time to try discussing it with him.

[looby1707]

I'm not sure! When we ended our earlier call we were barely on speaking terms!

[Engel]

Look, I always wanted kids, and i always told my boyfriend that as well. we are together since dece 2008/jan 2009. the difference is, we are younger than you, im 22 now and he is 24. but i told him that maximum 30 years old i want to have a kid (but at the youngest 26, i want to enjoy my time with him just us for a while). if we are not married and with a baby on the way, or at least trying when im 29, is byebye. and if we are married and he doesnt think we are ready for kids yet, i dont think i would continue in a relationship like that. i always told to myself i will be a mother someday, even if i have to buy sperm from a bank. so it goes to how much is all that important to you. to be with someone for so long as you are with him without anything settled and no plans for kids would be one of the few things in the world that would make me leave my man for good. but thats because this things are important for me.
i never wanted to get married before i met my so, and if, God forbid, thinga dont work between us, i dont think i will want to get married to noone else. live together, maybe, but not get married. but i want to have a child someday. with or without a father by my side, if it comes to that.

[looby1707]

I think the decision has been made. He never made it down because his car broke! We fell out over the phone and haven't spoken since! Part of me is relieved! The other part is disappointed! Having a child is important to me and it is a deal breaker for me! I hope things work out for you Engel