Not What I Expected..

[Zandria]

Okay, I do not want to come off as being judgmental at all, but here I go. When I first saw my guy over Skype, he looked perfect to me. And on the online site we met on, he said he was athletic/toned, so from the first day that's how I envisioned him in my head. He told me he played football, so that rectified of how I saw him. Last night I told him since we were sending pictures back and forth, that I wanted him to take one of his entire body, since I never saw it, and he has seen mine. Well, he did so, and I guess you can say I was kind of shocked. How I "fantasized" of him wasn't completely accurate at all, maybe just a teeny bit, but that was it. Let's say he has some jiggly features, so a pinchable stomach and sides, and slight man boobs. Now, this doesn't change how I feel for him, but at the same time I want him to somewhat resemble what he told me he looked like. I want to tell him, but I have no idea how to go about it without sounding judgmental, because I feel I should never be that way toward him. I know I sound a little bit selfish, and I shouldn't care what he looks like, but still, the image won't get out of my head. I feel like I'm in complete denial saying he's toned, when that's not the complete truth. So I would love for your advice, should I say something or should I keep my mouth closed?

[kiara_silver]

Well how big of a issue is this to you? You say your feelings haven't changed, i know to alot of people appearance plays a factor into relationships, but how much does it effect yours? If its something thats you can get over and still want him in a physical way then i don't necessaries think you need to share your surprise. but if its bothering you in a way where this will put a wedge in your relationship then you may need to talk to him.

[rawrimolivia]

I know how you feel. My ex boyfriend before the one I have now was also long distance and he did the exact same thing. I felt so cheated lol. But I probably wouldn't say anything either way only because like, guys are also insecure, which is probably why he made up a lot of what he looked like. And it sucks, but if you really do care about him and want a relationship with him to go well, personally I wouldn't say anything. Guys get their feelings hurt too whether or not they like to show it. But if it really is bothering you then maybe you can try to bring it up in a more positive way.

[LadyMarchHare]

People easily misrepresent themselves online, even in photos as there is the wonder of photoshop. And really who's going to talk about their bad features? (except maybe me, I think I advertise my body shape too much sometimes) If seeing the reality of his body changes the way you feel about him, that's just how you are. I think you're feeling more shock than anything else right now so I'd give the idea some settling time before you think too much harder on it.

[Zandria]

Well how big of a issue is this to you? You say your feelings haven't changed, i know to alot of people appearance plays a factor into relationships, but how much does it effect yours? If its something thats you can get over and still want him in a physical way then i don't necessaries think you need to share your surprise. but if its bothering you in a way where this will put a wedge in your relationship then you may need to talk to him.

My feelings haven't changed, and I feel like it will have to be something far more serious to make them change. To me, I think you have to be attracted to that person first, then attracted to their personality, which happened to me. His personality and feelings for me conquer how I picture him. But, I can't shake it off though, which is killing me, cause I feel like it's such a selfish issue to mention him. At the same time, the only thing pushing me on is picturing him how I thought he was, though I know I need to come back to reality. I'm just confused, I guess. I feel like such a terrible person. /:

[Zandria]

I know how you feel. My ex boyfriend before the one I have now was also long distance and he did the exact same thing. I felt so cheated lol. But I probably wouldn't say anything either way only because like, guys are also insecure, which is probably why he made up a lot of what he looked like. And it sucks, but if you really do care about him and want a relationship with him to go well, personally I wouldn't say anything. Guys get their feelings hurt too whether or not they like to show it. But if it really is bothering you then maybe you can try to bring it up in a more positive way.

I wouldn't say he completely lied to me on how he looked, but at the same time, now that I think of it, his profile is a year old, and things change in a year. The more I think about it, I probably won't say anything, because I have no idea how to mention it in a positive way, lol. Plus, I want our relationship to work out, and I find that this is a simple issue, that I'm sure with time will fade.

[snow_girl]

I wouldn't say anything to him. What would you say? "ya so I thought you would be ripped and toned and well....your a little flabby and I'm not really pleased' If it doesn't change how you feel about him, I think only saying something might hurt his feelings. Everyone views themselves differently, maybe he thought when he said he was toned, he actually sees himself that way. Just cause you envisioned him as ripped/toned its not really his fault you pictured him differently.

[Zandria]

People easily misrepresent themselves online, even in photos as there is the wonder of photoshop. And really who's going to talk about their bad features? (except maybe me, I think I advertise my body shape too much sometimes) If seeing the reality of his body changes the way you feel about him, that's just how you are. I think you're feeling more shock than anything else right now so I'd give the idea some settling time before you think too much harder on it.

Well I admire you mentioning who you really are, lol, everyone needs to be like that! And yeah I think I'm just in shock, a couple of days and I think I'll be okay! :]

[Zandria]

I wouldn't say anything to him. What would you say? "ya so I thought you would be ripped and toned and well....your a little flabby and I'm not really pleased' If it doesn't change how you feel about him, I think only saying something might hurt his feelings. Everyone views themselves differently, maybe he thought when he said he was toned, he actually sees himself that way. Just cause you envisioned him as ripped/toned its not really his fault you pictured him differently.

That's a different way of looking at it, which is nice, so thank you! I definitely don't want to hurt his feelings, so I'm just going to have to suck it up.

[princessmeg1328]

I don't think you should say anything either. He gave his opinion of what his body looks likes and it's his perception. Unless this affects the way you feel about him, you should just let things keep progressing the way they have been. Sometimes even when they aren't exactly what you thought you wanted, they are exactly who you need.

[theyellowdart]

I completely agree, its not his fault that you envisioned him looking differently, and no matter what you envisioned him looking like, thats not what he actually looks like, so you need to push that image out and get used to his new image.. if you want to casually bring it up to him than go ahead, but like mentioned earlier guys get our feelings hurt just as bad as women, we just choose to hide it more. Example, when I met my girl in person, the second night we were together just laying there cuddling in bed and she looked up at me and said, "you are a lot skinnier than I thought you were." which in all honesty, to a guy, is hurtful. I don't want my lady to think me as being scrawny, I want her to consider me a big tough man that can protect and provide for her! So, to an extent, it hurt my feelings.. not a lot, but somewhat. So if you do choose to bring it up, just be tactful about it and be considerate of how he might react.. but if its not a big deal to you like you said, than I don't really see the point in mentioning it at all

[rori795]

I feel like your problem here is less about what he looks like and more about his misrepresentation of himself. I'm sure you probably like him enough to not really care what he looks like as much anymore, but it's the fact that he left it out, or well lied about it. Which is probably subconsciously making you uncomfortable because you're wondering what else he wasn't completely truthful about. However, I have no idea how on earth you're going to bring this up to him without hurting his feelings, so I'm going to go ahead and say you should let it blow over for now. If anything else happens that lets you know he's misrepresented himself to you, then maybe bring it up at that point. In the meantime think of it as a guy trying his hardest to impress you, which is actually pretty cute.

[rawrimolivia]

I wouldn't say he completely lied to me on how he looked, but at the same time, now that I think of it, his profile is a year old, and things change in a year. The more I think about it, I probably won't say anything, because I have no idea how to mention it in a positive way, lol. Plus, I want our relationship to work out, and I find that this is a simple issue, that I'm sure with time will fade.

I think that sounds like a good idea. I mean if you really do care about him and like him, I don't think you'll really be bothered much by it (:

[redbellepepper]

i agree to what have been said here. it is not his fault if you had envisioned him in a way that is slight different from how he really looks like. if you ask me if i were on your shoes, i wouldn't say anything at all. anyway, you said that your feelings haven't changed, so just let it pass. BUT if this really, and i say REALLY bothers you, then might as well bring it up to him in a tactful way.

I want her to consider me a big tough man that can protect and provide for her!

my SO feels the same way as this. he wants to be my superman, my all-in-one hero!

[Darth_Taco]

My boyfriend is a football player too. It's a common misconception that they're ripped or something. In reality, because of their diets a lot of players have some fat on them. My boyfriend is chubby too. His nickname with his friends is "fatman" :P. Anyway, this is normal. As for the boobs, it might be a condition a lot of men suffer from called gynecomastia which basically causes the growth of breast tissue in men. If that's the case, it's best not to point it out to him XP.