some background: i'm 19, he's 22. we met accidentally last may through some friends on the internet, and have met many times in person since. he lives 450 miles away from me.
my boyfriend (shit... ex boyfriend again. ugh.) just broke up with me for the second time, mainly over the same issues that caused the first break up, back in october. we were both kind of stupid for getting back together in the first place without really talking about WHY we broke up.... but at the time, i was so happy to have him back that i didn't want to freak him out or scare him off by questioning it. i'm honestly not sure that we would have even gotten back together had we not seen each other in person in january. he and i both love the packers (football) and i had 2 tickets, so i invited him to come with me. mind you, we barely EVER talked before this. wasn't a strictly NC relationship, but it might as well have been... so we started talking again the week before the game, and then saw each other and fell for each other all over again.
honestly, i never quite got over him. i loved him immensely, i still do, perhaps even more so. so, fast forward to now... for the past couple months or so, we've been arguing a lot. for the past 2 weeks, it's been nearly constant. it's mostly the same problem as before: communication issues. we both have entirely different styles of communication and before this week, i didn't realize exactly what those were or how to fix the problem, i just knew we had one. i can't make him understand that i need some loving reassurance every once in a while without basically nagging him, which is so counterproductive in the long run (as i now know). he doesn't know how to tell me he doesn't like me nagging when i'm doing it, so he bottles it up until he reaches his breaking point, which is exactly what happened last thursday. let me say this: my birth control and added outside stress has been making me ridiculously over-sensitive lately, and that is my fault and my fault alone, but it has exaggerated everything and made me act that much worse. it makes me feel like i can't control my emotions, even if i know logically that i am acting ridiculous. it is a problem that i am working on. the combination of all that + ex bf feeling like he's not good enough because of all the nagging and therefore pulling away even more = me feeling like he doesn't care about my feelings or love me anymore. i KNOW he loves me... but i don't feel it.
last thursday, he said something i didn't like, i pointed it out, and he finally just had enough. he said he feels like he is always doing everything wrong and that he can't win no matter what, and that we are never on the same page and aren't compatible. this sounds like break-up talk to me, i get freaked out but don't show it. he asks for space. i say okay, do you mean a break from talking to me for a while or a break from me altogether? he says "idk, i'm feeling pretty apathetic right now." that hurts. a lot. he says "i love you, but i guess i'm not in love with you." i am not really sure how to take this and end up more confused. he asks for space again. i ask if we are still together or not. he says "idk, it seems like no." i profusely apologize and agree to give him space.
there are no terms agreed to because once he's checked out, he's checked out, and won't answer any more of my questions. i am miserable all of friday and some of saturday. i text him friday ONLY to tell him i got the job he was previously concerned for me about, and i am clear that i am not trying to invade his space or start a conversation. whether this was a mistake or not, i have no idea. he responds enthusiastically and starts a new conversation, then texts me on and off (without me responding for a couple times) for about an hour. i don't reply because it sounds like he needs to be done talking.
sunday, i have the revelation that my birth control has turned me further into a dragon lady. i facebook message (instead of texting; i figured he would feel less smothered because he wouldn't see it instantly) him saying that i have figured that out and i'm working on myself and my own behavior, and apologize once more, and once again make it clear i am not looking to start a conversation when he is not ready to talk. sunday i feel much better. monday i feel pretty good too, and have pretty much figured out how to fix our communication issues. i am trying not to be hopeful he will want to stay and work with me, but my friend has talked to him and it sounds like he may want to, so i am a little bit hopeful.
today (or yesterday aka tuesday really since it's wednesday morning now), he decided he was ready to talk, and unblocked me from msn, although he texted me first because i was out. i asked if we could wait til i get home to talk about this, and he agrees. i get home and get on msn, and ask him if he's sure he's calm and completely ready to talk about things. he says yes, and then says that he feels like things are not the same in our relationship anymore, and he is very stressed out because of my behavior towards him, and feels very dejected. he has said the same things during breakup #1. i then start apologizing for all the specific things i know i have done wrong and i state what i should've been doing instead, and that i completely understand how he feels. i say that our issue is not incompatibility, but mere communication issues that are easily resolved.
he says that he doesn't think we can fix "us" and that he doesn't feel the same as he did at the beginning of our relationship. i say that of course he doesn't, that's normal, we aren't in the honeymoon stage anymore and we've just had a big fight. he asks if we can be friends instead but still talk and remain very close. i say that will be a problem for me because i love him a lot and i can't just downgrade that to a friendly kind of love. i ask why he doesn't think things can be fixed, he doesn't really give an answer. i try to explain to him exactly how we can fix things, and he becomes angry and interrupts me and says that he will NEVER feel that way about me again and we can NEVER fix things.
this makes me extreeeemely sad, but i just ask why he doesn't think he can ever feel that way again, because he said nearly the exact same things during the last break-up, and obviously we both missed and loved each other and came back to each other; so perhaps he is still confused about his feelings. he doesn't really give an answer, just repeats that he feels dejected and things just can't be fixed. then he says he is tired of repeating the same things and the same patterns and he doesn't think that we can be together and not repeat the past. i say that i am tired of repeating it too, and i would not even bother to work to fix this if i thought that we were doomed to repeat the same cycle over and over again. i ask him how he knows nothing can ever fix it if he hasn't listened to what i have to say. he gets angry and remains angry and tells me to just shut up and accept it and that we are over. i give up trying to fix things and simply ask for some closure, asking why he suddenly has no feelings for me whatsoever when only 5 days have passed since he said he still loved me.
he doesn't respond at all. i say a few more things, he continues to not respond, and to get his point across, he goes on facebook and changes his relationship status to single. at this point, i just said that he doesn't owe me anything, but at some point if he feels calm and reasonable enough to explain to me why he feels this way, i would really appreciate it if he could contact me in some way and tell me. and then i signed off and deleted him from everything (facebook, msn, phone) except skype.
i am honestly devastated. i kept a nice tone the entire time, i did not once say a mean or catty word to him....... i just don't understand how he could HONESTLY hate me that much so suddenly. i don't understand why it wouldn't be worth trying to fix our relationship if we have nothing to lose. if we fix it, we fix it and that's great. if not, we're right back where we are. i don't see how he can actually mean the part about wanting to be close friends and not still want to try for us. since he said so many of the same things the last time and didn't completely mean them and ended up regretting it, i can't help but wonder if he's doing the same thing this time; if he's yelling at me and being so rude because he's trying to convince himself of the same things. maybe that's just me having a hard time accepting that i fucked it up for good, idk.
i know that i should definitely leave him alone for at least a month.... do you think there's ANY chance AT ALL that he'll be receptive to wanting to get back together and having a better relationship after that? i'm not really sure how to go about things because last time our getting back together was kind of an accident. i invited him to the game, but i didn't expect at all that we would EVER get back together. i honestly thought he really disliked me after everything that happened, because of everything he said then and everything he repeated just now. so again... i don't know whether to take him at his word that this is really it, or to believe that he's saying those things because he's hurt and frustrated, like last time.
cont.
my boyfriend (shit... ex boyfriend again. ugh.) just broke up with me for the second time, mainly over the same issues that caused the first break up, back in october. we were both kind of stupid for getting back together in the first place without really talking about WHY we broke up.... but at the time, i was so happy to have him back that i didn't want to freak him out or scare him off by questioning it. i'm honestly not sure that we would have even gotten back together had we not seen each other in person in january. he and i both love the packers (football) and i had 2 tickets, so i invited him to come with me. mind you, we barely EVER talked before this. wasn't a strictly NC relationship, but it might as well have been... so we started talking again the week before the game, and then saw each other and fell for each other all over again.
honestly, i never quite got over him. i loved him immensely, i still do, perhaps even more so. so, fast forward to now... for the past couple months or so, we've been arguing a lot. for the past 2 weeks, it's been nearly constant. it's mostly the same problem as before: communication issues. we both have entirely different styles of communication and before this week, i didn't realize exactly what those were or how to fix the problem, i just knew we had one. i can't make him understand that i need some loving reassurance every once in a while without basically nagging him, which is so counterproductive in the long run (as i now know). he doesn't know how to tell me he doesn't like me nagging when i'm doing it, so he bottles it up until he reaches his breaking point, which is exactly what happened last thursday. let me say this: my birth control and added outside stress has been making me ridiculously over-sensitive lately, and that is my fault and my fault alone, but it has exaggerated everything and made me act that much worse. it makes me feel like i can't control my emotions, even if i know logically that i am acting ridiculous. it is a problem that i am working on. the combination of all that + ex bf feeling like he's not good enough because of all the nagging and therefore pulling away even more = me feeling like he doesn't care about my feelings or love me anymore. i KNOW he loves me... but i don't feel it.
last thursday, he said something i didn't like, i pointed it out, and he finally just had enough. he said he feels like he is always doing everything wrong and that he can't win no matter what, and that we are never on the same page and aren't compatible. this sounds like break-up talk to me, i get freaked out but don't show it. he asks for space. i say okay, do you mean a break from talking to me for a while or a break from me altogether? he says "idk, i'm feeling pretty apathetic right now." that hurts. a lot. he says "i love you, but i guess i'm not in love with you." i am not really sure how to take this and end up more confused. he asks for space again. i ask if we are still together or not. he says "idk, it seems like no." i profusely apologize and agree to give him space.
there are no terms agreed to because once he's checked out, he's checked out, and won't answer any more of my questions. i am miserable all of friday and some of saturday. i text him friday ONLY to tell him i got the job he was previously concerned for me about, and i am clear that i am not trying to invade his space or start a conversation. whether this was a mistake or not, i have no idea. he responds enthusiastically and starts a new conversation, then texts me on and off (without me responding for a couple times) for about an hour. i don't reply because it sounds like he needs to be done talking.
sunday, i have the revelation that my birth control has turned me further into a dragon lady. i facebook message (instead of texting; i figured he would feel less smothered because he wouldn't see it instantly) him saying that i have figured that out and i'm working on myself and my own behavior, and apologize once more, and once again make it clear i am not looking to start a conversation when he is not ready to talk. sunday i feel much better. monday i feel pretty good too, and have pretty much figured out how to fix our communication issues. i am trying not to be hopeful he will want to stay and work with me, but my friend has talked to him and it sounds like he may want to, so i am a little bit hopeful.
today (or yesterday aka tuesday really since it's wednesday morning now), he decided he was ready to talk, and unblocked me from msn, although he texted me first because i was out. i asked if we could wait til i get home to talk about this, and he agrees. i get home and get on msn, and ask him if he's sure he's calm and completely ready to talk about things. he says yes, and then says that he feels like things are not the same in our relationship anymore, and he is very stressed out because of my behavior towards him, and feels very dejected. he has said the same things during breakup #1. i then start apologizing for all the specific things i know i have done wrong and i state what i should've been doing instead, and that i completely understand how he feels. i say that our issue is not incompatibility, but mere communication issues that are easily resolved.
he says that he doesn't think we can fix "us" and that he doesn't feel the same as he did at the beginning of our relationship. i say that of course he doesn't, that's normal, we aren't in the honeymoon stage anymore and we've just had a big fight. he asks if we can be friends instead but still talk and remain very close. i say that will be a problem for me because i love him a lot and i can't just downgrade that to a friendly kind of love. i ask why he doesn't think things can be fixed, he doesn't really give an answer. i try to explain to him exactly how we can fix things, and he becomes angry and interrupts me and says that he will NEVER feel that way about me again and we can NEVER fix things.
this makes me extreeeemely sad, but i just ask why he doesn't think he can ever feel that way again, because he said nearly the exact same things during the last break-up, and obviously we both missed and loved each other and came back to each other; so perhaps he is still confused about his feelings. he doesn't really give an answer, just repeats that he feels dejected and things just can't be fixed. then he says he is tired of repeating the same things and the same patterns and he doesn't think that we can be together and not repeat the past. i say that i am tired of repeating it too, and i would not even bother to work to fix this if i thought that we were doomed to repeat the same cycle over and over again. i ask him how he knows nothing can ever fix it if he hasn't listened to what i have to say. he gets angry and remains angry and tells me to just shut up and accept it and that we are over. i give up trying to fix things and simply ask for some closure, asking why he suddenly has no feelings for me whatsoever when only 5 days have passed since he said he still loved me.
he doesn't respond at all. i say a few more things, he continues to not respond, and to get his point across, he goes on facebook and changes his relationship status to single. at this point, i just said that he doesn't owe me anything, but at some point if he feels calm and reasonable enough to explain to me why he feels this way, i would really appreciate it if he could contact me in some way and tell me. and then i signed off and deleted him from everything (facebook, msn, phone) except skype.
i am honestly devastated. i kept a nice tone the entire time, i did not once say a mean or catty word to him....... i just don't understand how he could HONESTLY hate me that much so suddenly. i don't understand why it wouldn't be worth trying to fix our relationship if we have nothing to lose. if we fix it, we fix it and that's great. if not, we're right back where we are. i don't see how he can actually mean the part about wanting to be close friends and not still want to try for us. since he said so many of the same things the last time and didn't completely mean them and ended up regretting it, i can't help but wonder if he's doing the same thing this time; if he's yelling at me and being so rude because he's trying to convince himself of the same things. maybe that's just me having a hard time accepting that i fucked it up for good, idk.
i know that i should definitely leave him alone for at least a month.... do you think there's ANY chance AT ALL that he'll be receptive to wanting to get back together and having a better relationship after that? i'm not really sure how to go about things because last time our getting back together was kind of an accident. i invited him to the game, but i didn't expect at all that we would EVER get back together. i honestly thought he really disliked me after everything that happened, because of everything he said then and everything he repeated just now. so again... i don't know whether to take him at his word that this is really it, or to believe that he's saying those things because he's hurt and frustrated, like last time.
cont.
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