Am I overreacting or should I bring this up?

[Mara]

I told my boyfriend tonight about something that was bothering me [unrelated to our relationship]. He became worried and I told him simply to go to sleep as it was late and I was [for the most part] fine.

"No, your not Mara, you've been dealing with this for weeks without telling me..."
"No, I haven't. I've only been feeling like this for the last week or so and I did tell you."
"I'm worried."
"Why?"
"Because obviously there is something bothering you but when I ask you to talk about it you act like there's nothing wrong only for us to be back here a week later."
"I'm sorry. I won't bring it up again."
"I'm not saying don't bring it up. I want you to share with me. I'm just saying don't tell me nothing's wrong when something is."

After this, I pretty much refused to talk anymore and told him goodnight. I'm not pissed, but I am a bit miffed that somehow me being depressed became about him and me telling him things. I feel this is a common pattern. I get upset, I try to talk to him about it, and he offers little to no comfort but does mention something related to him.

It also is starting to severely annoy me that he feels somewhat entitled to know every little problem or thing that upsets me. If you know anything about me, you know that I internalize my problems. I don't like talking things over with people because I find people usually offer little to no comfort or somehow seem to make my issues about them.

If you leave me alone long enough usually I'll get over whatever is bothering me. The thing with him is that he won't let things rest. He is constantly asking me what's wrong if I act the slightest bit off and usually nothing is wrong and I tell him so, but he never seems to believe me or let it go.

Right now, like I said, I'm not pissed, but I am a bit miffed that every time I do tell him something is wrong he gets worried I end up comforting him and swallowing down what's wrong with me or he goes on some rant about how I should have told him sooner.

Honestly, I don't know if I should bring this up or not, but it's starting to grate on my nerves. I just feel like, at the least, I want him to stop asking me what's wrong all the time and accept the fact that I'm just not the type of person to have some big pow wow about everything that upsets me.

Or am I overreacting and should leave well enough alone?

[smorgasbord]

I just feel like, at the least, I want him to stop asking me what's wrong all the time and accept the fact that I'm just not the type of person to have some big pow wow about everything that upsets me.

so tell him that's what you need. make sure not to do it in a demanding or criticizing way, but gently suggest to him that if he asked you what was wrong less and just supported you by comforting you more, it would help you deal with being upset a lot better.

[holdinghands]

I guess I'm on the other side of your question. My boyfriend doesn't have the best life (lives with his parents at 25, can't get a job etc. ) and only last night did he tell me that he has been depressed basically the entire time of our relationship. And I asked him why he didn't tell me, and he just said he wasn't the sort of person to talk about feelings and he always hid his bad emotions from me. So you could say I know how you're SO is feeling :P

I think you should maybe try and work towards a compromise. Just tell him a few bad feelings you are having, or things you are worrying about etc., but don't go all out if thats not who you are. You just need to reassure him that you are not hiding major things from him. And I agree that sometimes you need your personal space and you don't want to tell him everything, but a little reassurance every now and then goes a long way :P

Sorry if this post was biased

[smorgasbord]

I guess I'm on the other side of your question. My boyfriend doesn't have the best life (lives with his parents at 25, can't get a job etc. ) and only last night did he tell me that he has been depressed basically the entire time of our relationship. And I asked him why he didn't tell me, and he just said he wasn't the sort of person to talk about feelings and he always hid his bad emotions from me. So you could say I know how you're SO is feeling :P

my boyfrienKJBGDKFBEX. MY EX-boyfriend is in the same situation, and while he hasn't admitted to being depressed, i can kind of tell he is to an extent. he is also the sort of person to internalize problems and feelings/emotions, so i also know how you and mara's s/o feel.

while i do think you should tell him what you need, it's good that you talk to him about the problems you already currently feel comfortable talking to him about. as long as you don't internalize EVERYTHING, there should be a pretty balanced amount of give and take.

[LadyMarchHare]

My general rule is if it's enough to bother you, it's enough to talk about. I agree that sometimes bringing things up depending on the subject tends to lead to it not being left alone or the situation being blown out of proportion, but usually it's just a sign of concern no matter how annoying it may be. My SO will go into what I dubbed "Big Daddy Mode" where he becomes very upset and protective of me and while I appreciate the sentiment sometimes I don't find things need that sort of treatment. I tell him to calm down, to trust that I know what to do, and if I don't then he'd be the first to know. He grumbles, but he accepts it because he knows I'm not stupid nor am I any definition of a "damsel in distress".

If how he's handling problems you tell him about bothers you, tell him so because it's better you both be on the same page about how issues, big or small, are handled rather than bicker because one of you would prefer to just not talk about it and the other wants every minute detail thinking they can be Superman. I personally don't recommend 'internalizing' problems, but I can't dictate how people choose to react to life and if it works for you, go with it.

[Caitlin2009]

honestly, im on his side with this. just because your not the type of person to share your feelings doesnt mean you have to exclude him, he's not making it about him he's worried about you! im sorry but in relationships especially LDR's even if your not that type of person you should always ALWAYS say whats on your mind and why you feel like that because it will help when you do, keeping things bottled up inside you is not healthy, this is something i had that Denise had to overcome when we first started dating even before that, back then it took me a half hour just to get out what was wrong with her now if she doesnt wanna talk about it, it only takes me a minute or less. she was under the mistakin impression that she couldnt tell people what was wrong because she didnt wanna burden anyone with her problems or she felt she needed to be the strong one constantly, and i kept telling her over and over she needed to tell me what was wrong because it would help and thats what im there for to listen to her problems and offer advice, i think your a tiny bit like her in that aspect and its something you need to work on because your not the only one in the relationship, you need to tell him whats bothering you so you guys can talk about it and he can offer some advice and help you through it

My general rule is if it's enough to bother you, it's enough to talk about.

big amen to that!

[smorgasbord]

honestly, im on his side with this. just because your not the type of person to share your feelings doesnt mean you have to exclude him, he's not making it about him he's worried about you! im sorry but in relationships especially LDR's even if your not that type of person you should always ALWAYS say whats on your mind and why you feel like that because it will help when you do, keeping things bottled up inside you is not healthy

that's not necessarily true for small problems. usually it's the case for men rather than women but in this case, it's the woman in the relationship who doesn't feel the need to share her small problems because she can deal with them on her own. i don't think there's anything wrong with that. talking about it doesn't help for everyone. you have to understand that different people process feelings differently, and different methods work for different people. to tell someone who internalizes problems to ALWAYS say what's on their mind is to try to change a good chunk of who they are and how they function. compromise, such as telling him the things that bother her the most, is a much better solution.

[Caitlin2009]

that's not necessarily true for small problems. usually it's the case for men rather than women but in this case, it's the woman in the relationship who doesn't feel the need to share her small problems because she can deal with them on her own. i don't think there's anything wrong with that. talking about it doesn't help for everyone. you have to understand that different people process feelings differently, and different methods work for different people. to tell someone who internalizes problems to ALWAYS say what's on their mind is to try to change a good chunk of who they are and how they function. compromise, such as telling him the things that bother her the most, is a much better solution.

i dont agree with that. small problems can become bigger if you keep them inside and let them fester for days, as someone said if it bothers you then talk about it

[smorgasbord]

i dont agree with that. small problems can become bigger if you keep them inside and let them fester for days, as someone said if it bothers you then talk about it

this may be the case with problems pertaining to the relationship, because resentment can build up if the issues are not resolved, i know that firsthand. but there are people who are perfectly capable of dealing with smaller-scale problems by retreating into themselves and thinking on it for a while. a loooot of men are like this, and a smaller but still fair portion of women are as well. it does not help EVERYONE to talk things out. it's not a big deal, it's just different ways of functioning and processing things, as well as communicating things.

[Caitlin2009]

this may be the case with problems pertaining to the relationship, because resentment can build up if the issues are not resolved, i know that firsthand. but there are people who are perfectly capable of dealing with smaller-scale problems by retreating into themselves and thinking on it for a while. a loooot of men are like this, and a smaller but still fair portion of women are as well. it does not help EVERYONE to talk things out. it's not a big deal, it's just different ways of functioning and processing things, as well as communicating things.

and its also not a healthy thing to do, believe me I know that one first hand considering i used to do it and it led to me harming myself, just because people do it doesnt mean its healthy or they should do it, just my opinion

[smorgasbord]

and its also not a healthy thing to do, believe me I know that one first hand considering i used to do it and it led to me harming myself, just because people do it doesnt mean its healthy or they should do it, just my opinion

we're talking about 2 different kinds of internalizing. there are people that naturally solve small problems on their own, they have since birth. they KNOW they if they need help or outside advice, they will ask for it. otherwise, they are fine solving the problem on their own.

i believe what you are talking about is not the natural kind of internalizing, but the instinctive kind that kicks in once someone has experienced repercussions for expressing their problems/feelings to other people, and will avoid talking about them at all costs, even if it hurts them.

[Caitlin2009]

we're talking about 2 different kinds of internalizing. there are people that naturally solve small problems on their own, they have since birth. they KNOW they if they need help or outside advice, they will ask for it. otherwise, they are fine solving the problem on their own.

i believe what you are talking about is not the natural kind of internalizing, but the instinctive kind that kicks in once someone has experienced repercussions for expressing their problems/feelings to other people, and will avoid talking about them at all costs, even if it hurts them.

if you say so......

[holdinghands]

and its also not a healthy thing to do, believe me I know that one first hand considering i used to do it and it led to me harming myself, just because people do it doesnt mean its healthy or they should do it, just my opinion

Completely agree with you hear, sorry smorgasbord, but I myself used to internalize problems (being the youngest child by a heck of a lot led me to be a bit of a loner) and I tried to suicide a few times and I cut myself eveyr day up until a few months ago, and also my SO is an only child who has spent his entire life 'internalizing' things and has even admitted it, and that has done nothing but make him spiral into depression. I guess you could say we are an extreme case, but last night my SO said he had a sorta revelation and yeah he did get sad, but it was just what he had always been feeling inside. He would kill me if i knew I told people but he even cried, something I have never, ever seen him do even when his grandmother who was like his best friend died, and he said he feels a lot better after last night.
So internalizing things ISN'T healthy. I should know, I used to internalize things.

[kteire]

we're talking about 2 different kinds of internalizing. there are people that naturally solve small problems on their own, they have since birth. they KNOW they if they need help or outside advice, they will ask for it. otherwise, they are fine solving the problem on their own.

i believe what you are talking about is not the natural kind of internalizing, but the instinctive kind that kicks in once someone has experienced repercussions for expressing their problems/feelings to other people, and will avoid talking about them at all costs, even if it hurts them.

I think the bigger thing here is not that some people can internalise properly and others can't, it's more that everyone can internalise for only so long before it becomes harmful to your mental health. I don't believe there are two types of internalising. It damages everyone eventually, just maybe some people are better at keeping things inside for longer before they get messy.
I know I'm not a person who keeps things inside at all. I guess maybe because most of the hardships I've had to deal with have been in my adult life, and when I've tried to keep even little things to myself, they escalated and contributed to my depression and lack of self-worth.
My boyfriend's the sort of person who wants to know every little thing that's bothering me, and he can tell instantly when I'm not acting like my usual self. He's not the best at offering advice, and often does what Mara said about bringing up his own things, but I realised that that's just him trying to relate to me.

[redbellepepper]

My general rule is if it's enough to bother you, it's enough to talk about.

AGREE!