Am I overreacting or should I bring this up?

[Silencedsongs]

Honestly, right now - I can relate quite a bit. The man knows of some things that have been hard for me, as my family just went through a very hard time. He knew of some other stuff that was adding to that 'feeling off' factor. The problem? He wants 'in' on that loneliness. Why would I want to share my 'alone' time? That's my time for me to take however long needed to gain the normal me points back. I've been withdrawn from him and everyone lately, and he knows -why-. Yet, he expects rays and sunshine sprouting out from my eyeballs every time we talk. Then it erks me when he'll say, "What's wrong?" "Why won't you talk with me?" "You're quiet." He thought it was something further bothering me that I had not told him. Negative, stop reading into every little thing. At which point, I actually don't log onto MSN until later in the day because I don't want to deal with it.

Talk to him about it if you haven't already, but simply point out that his being around you is enough - you don't need to go into every little detail of your daily life events if you're not wanting/needing to. Yet, also make sure you're keeping the lines of communication open. It seems like he just wants to make sure you're okay, and maybe as someone else said - providing a compromise would help... Maybe giving him just a scenario of what might have occurred/bothered you and telling him that you do not wish to go further into it, would help ease his mind that it was nothing on a large scale that he should be worried about

[Malaga]

Right now, like I said, I'm not pissed, but I am a bit miffed that every time I do tell him something is wrong he gets worried I end up comforting him and swallowing down what's wrong with me or he goes on some rant about how I should have told him sooner.

My ex used to do that all the time. Whenever I was upset over something, he was even more upset. Whenever I was down, he was even more down. Whenever I was panicking, he was even more anxious than me. It made me hesitant to share any issues I had because I knew that somehow I would always end up comforting him just like you, and promising him it would be OK. When he's the one who should be telling me that.

[snow_girl]

If you don't like how he acts when you tell him something is bothering you, either stop bringing it up or tell him. Its like telling someone ' i have a secret but I'm not telling you" That isn't fair. He only worries because he cares.

[Mara]

I want to thank you all for your responses so far.

A lot of the things I internalize are minor issues, that's why I don't tell him or anyone really about them. Things so small I can't even think of an example right now. Usually, I'll get over it in a day and then, forget it even happened so what's the point in me bringing it up? I just feel it's silly to make a big deal out of every little thing that bothers me or pisses me off.

I do internalize major issues as well, but that's because I'm never sure if I'm making a big deal out of nothing and also, if I talk about what's wrong with me right away it won't be anything nice. Just like last night, this issue bothered me then. I didn't bring it up because I knew anything I had to say would be spoken out of the fact that I was annoyed with him and it wouldn't be constructive or helpful to either of us. I decided to sleep on it and if I was still bothered then I'd think of a way to say what I have to say without being accusatory.

I do have more of a problem telling him things than other people because every time I tell him something is bothering me he starts in with how worried he is or how I should have told him sooner or he's hurt because I'm hurt or something like that. I love him and I feel the same way when he tells me about something that bothers or offends him, I just don't speak out on it. When he tells me about how worried he is or I can tell that he's upset that I'm upset, it burdens me because now not only am I upset, but I'm now upset that I've upset him.

Another example of this is I have anxiety issues. When he moved into a new apartment, almost a year ago now, I had some anxiety issues dealing with that. I just didn't feel comfortable, but that wasn't anything unusual as I always feel uncomfortable with new places it's just how I am. This went on for about two visits and the second time I mentioned it to him. This turned into him sulking because 'he wanted me to feel comfortable in his home' and him feeling bad. So then I had to spend about 20 minutes reassuring him that I was fine and that it wasn't any big deal and I'd get over it. Which I did in another visit or two.

Some of it is the fact that I'm used to handling everything on my own. It's not second nature for me to go run and tell anyone that I'm having a problem or am upset if I do then I am very upset and just cannot handle the issue on my own, but when he reacts the way he does it just makes me not want to tell him anything at all.

I know we'll talk about it today once he wakes up..but I'm doubtful anything constructive will come of it.

[meg]

Holy moly, I could have written your original post. My boyfriend is exactly the same, I finally get up the guts to tell him how I'm feeling about a situation, and instead of going through it and solving the problem, it's "why didn't you tell me sooner?" "you can tell me anything", etc. WELL I'M TELLING YOU NOW, SWEETIE. TRY AND FOCUS ON THAT.

>< I don't have a solution, but I know how you feel OP.

[TknandLvnIt]

Mara I completely understand how you are feeling because I tend to internalize and get over small things quickly and don't feel the need to talk about them. I also am the eldest and have felt many times that I didn't have anyone to share them with. I have learned to rely on my SO and he on me. We talk to each other about little and big things because if its a big enough issue for me to change in demeanor and not be my usual self then its something i should talk to him about. We preface conversations by saying we aren't looking for advice or that we already feel better about it but it something that was on our minds. That way we both feel involved in each others lives. Its hard enough being apart without feeling as though you are included in their lives. He was saying it out of concern for you and because perhaps he was feeling a bit out of the loop. I personally can't stand it when my SO tells me something late because it makes me feel as if he didn't want to include me or didn't value my input. I know both sides and can say that you should try and talk to him even if its not about everything. Tell him how it makes you feel when the conversation becomes about why you didn't talk about it sooner but tell him you will be more intentional about making him feel included.It has worked well for us thus far...hope this helps

[lucybelle]

I haven't read all the replies, but it seems to me that you're over thinking things. I agree with your SO. If you don't want to talk about it, don't bring it up. How is he supposed to decipher between a problem you do want to talk about and one you don't? Sometimes I have a real bad day at work and I just don't want to talk about it because it'll make me more mad. My SO will say "How was your day?" I'll say "Bad, but I don't want to talk about because it will make me more upset" OKAY. We move on.

When you bring up a problem that you don't want to talk about say "I understand your concern but I can handle this on my own, talking about it will make me more upset. How bout them RedSox?"

[Mara]

Well, we talked and while I'm not sure how constructive the conversation actually was; he explained himself and I understood where he was coming from a bit better. I also took into account everything that you guys all said and realized even though I don't like that's how he reacts when I do tell him something's wrong, it's how he reacts, he loves me, and in the future I will try to be more clear to him about what I need from him in those situations.

Thanks you guys for all the advice!