should i let her go..or not?

[MarkyP]

I met my gf in college as she was an exchange student. Make things short, we were so in love that she basically lived at my place. She's the only girl that ever changed me and straightened out my life. We were together for about 7 months. Then she went back to her country to continue her studies. I dont know when am I going to see her again as she is busy with her life. We still talk and see each other everyday via facetime. But now, we both hit the "3 month mark" and things are really changing. I always tell her that I love her, but now she feels guilty bc i love her so much that she cant repay me back with the same amount. I've told her that I dont care about repaying me back and that all i want is for the both us to be together. I understand her point of view that she is pressured. She thinks that our relationship will only go down in 2 ways, either we marry or not. Recently we had this argument and that she really cant bare her feelings for me anymore, she feels really guilty that she cant repay me back and even said that she doesnt love me as much as i do. Things really fall apart when distance is involved. There are a lot of guys that admire her in her hometown as she tells me. From our fight, she tells me to leave her but i resisted. So we got back again couple days letter and things were doing great. But then again, we fought bc now she tells me that she still feels guilty and that she only focus on 2 things. 1. her studies, 2. The guy that she will marry that is the same culture with her. This really broke my heart. and i really want to give up. So ive come to my senses and told her that the only way for us to be happy is to let her go. I said that if I disappear from her life, i won't be able to block her from the plans she has, no more stress for her, and no more pain for me. As I was saying my final goodbyes, she keeps resisting and asking me not to disappear from her. Ive told her that this relationship is going nowhere anymore, but now she says that she doesnt want me out of her life and still loves me. I just hate the fact that if one guy does a nice thing for her, she always compares me to them. She doesnt get the point, that even though i want to do nice things for her, i cant bc we are so far away from each other. I really dnt know what to do anymore.

[LadyMarchHare]

From what I can guess (and this really is just a guess) you may have been overdoing it with the "I love you"s and affection and if she felt any hesitation to be with you, she'd automatically feel guilty that you love her so much yet she's on the fence or feels she can't invest that much of herself to you. And while you say you're OK with that, eventually it would hurt and you'd feel the inbalance.

Talk to her, ask her what she's comfortable with in regards to you and your relationship, make some compromises, and just pull back a bit. If she wants to be with you, she needs the room to let her feelings grow, not have them shrink because yours are overpowering hers. Does that make sense? Let her know what makes you uncomfortable too, but don't accuse her or point fingers.

[skinbyrd85]

I think you really both need to work out where your heads are at and exactly what you want from each other and the relationship, and where you both expect it to go. Then you need to start talking about your long term plans about it.

If you love her and she loves you, then you both need to make a decision about whether to be totally committed to making this thing work come hell or high water. My SO and I have been in a relationship for over a year now, and have spent a total of 2 full weeks together in person. But we still love each other more than anything and have long term plans.

You're either together or you're not and if you ARE, then there is no saying "Oh this is too hard I want to give up" when times are rocky. If you really love each other and decide to be committed to each other, then when times get rocky the only thing to say has to be "I love you and we will get through this" and then you talk and plan HOW you are going to get through the rough patch and what you will do as individuals and as a couple to get through the rough patch.

It is also a good idea, if you decide to stick this thing out and make it work, to talk about your long term plans, like what age you might like to get married, have kids etc, and when you would like to close the distance and live together again. And also when you could visit each other. Then you need to look at the practical side of how long it will take you to save up for a visit and how long it will take you to save up to make the move to be with each other, and start working towards those goals.

It's not true that you can't do anything special for her from far away. If you have a look through the forums here, one of the other sections has a lot of ideas for little things you can do for your long distance SO.
Some of the things I've done are:
- Sent him a message in a bottle. I saved a plastic soft drink bottle and took the label off. Then I rolled up a letter I had written and translated in to Russian (his ethnic background), tied it with rafia and slid it in to the bottle. I also put confetti hearts in the bottle. I screwed on the lid and then taped it on, and taped on a piece of paper with his address and sent it to him.
- Sent him an envelope full of paper hearts and confetti. Each paper heart had a reason why I love him written on it.
- Now and then I buy a post card with a picture of something in my local area in it, like a tourist attraction or local landmark etc, and write on the post card telling him about the thing in the picture and how I can't wait to take him to see it when he visits me, and I send it to him.
- Made him an un-valentines day card (because I'm really bad at remembering dates) saying that no matter how many valentines days I forget, I will always love him with all my heart and "Happy Un-Valentines Day".

There are HEAPS more little gifts and things that you can send your SO to surprise her with. Love letters are a must - it doesn't have to be anything long and drawn out. Even just a note saying "I miss you so I decided to send you this note to tell you that I'm thinking of you" will go down well. It's wonderful to go to the letterbox and find something special in it that your SO sent to you.

Good luck with everything and I hope it all works out for the best for you both.